Valentine’s Day

We all know, here the only thing worse than being completely alone on Valentine’s Day is being stuck in a horribly suffocating relationship that has drained you of your very will to live.

Valentine’s Day is yet another one of those stupid “holidays” completely fabricated by the retail industry (in this case, cheap florists whose prices increase exponentially the week of February 14th) for which we sure as hell don’t get time off from work. However, generic we are expected to have something special planned for our significant others.

For women, this means…. well, honestly (as in most cases) all you have to do is show up. For men, it’s a time of stress and pressure equal to none. There are three basic routes a man can take on Valentine’s Day:

1) Fabricate a “break-up scenario”
Start an argument that is sure to end in a break-up. If your relationship is like 90% of the rest of ’em, you’ll both do something naughty to get back at each other and be back together within 3-4 days. If you time this right, you can avoid V-day altogether.

2) Standard Valentine’s Crap
You cop out and buy some combination of flowers, candy, lingerie, and sex-toys. You take her to dinner (or cook one yourself) and hope to God that she is as unimaginative as you are and didn’t expect anything special.

3) Romantic Ingenuity
The phantom ‘holy grail’ of relationships: you actually care about your partner. Not only that, you want to do something totally unexpected and exciting because of your love. (This doesn’t mean doing something you read in Maxim. I know you think you have new, special moves up your sleeve now that you’ve read their latest ‘tried and true tricks’ article, but so does every other guy – and girl – that read that.)

I know, I know.. most people don’t believe this kind of love exists. Before I met my lovely wifera, I’d have said that I personally couldn’t vouch for the existence of such a thing, as most of my relationships seemed to involve some sort of cash transaction for every 15-minutes I spent with my loved ones. But I believed.. somewhere, somehow there was someone out there perfect for me. The lyrics of several Led Zeppelin songs told me so.. and if there’s anything I’ve learned in life it’s that wise old wizards and Robert Plant are always right.

If you want to really impress the object of your affection, there is one sure-fire way to do it: home-made crap. Whatever it is you’re giving her don’t buy it in a store, make it yourself. I know it seems stupid and way too simple.. but it shows creativity and imagination… and it’s cheaper.

I’ll help get you started. Here, my friend, are several home-made Valentine’s Day cards that the Jesse Perry and I put together just for you. Click each thumbnail to open a pop-up window to view the card. Inside the card there is also a link to open a page suitable for printing. Once you’ve printed it out, fold it in half, then in half again. Give it to your special someone, and watch the sparks fly!

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