Tag Archives: wtf

an open letter to all entitled twats

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In short, “Go fuck yourself.”

Originally this was directed to one person who was blowing up facebook talking shit, totally unprovoked. I’ve since removed the references to that one specific talentless, hacky, derivative, delusional moron to reinforce the reason this kind of thing is so frustrating: this happens all the time.

Clueless, entitled twats are everywhere.. and they don’t understand why everybody doesn’t just hand them a stack of money and a development deal. They aren’t self aware enough to realize that they’re a dime a dozen, doing nothing unique or original or even noteworthy.

I literally met this guy once at a show and apparently he walked away expecting me to run a publicity campaign for him. For free. For his shitty act which was a terribly un-funny rip off of a SNL character from 15 years ago. He thought I was going to run home and get to work researching what the hell it is he does and then stop everything I’m working on to go out of my way to promote him? I’m not on your staff, jackass.

This happens to me a lot. Ten years ago, I inherited NashvilleStandUp.com from another comic who was moving on & I’ve tried to use it to build up and promote the local scene. It’s something I did because there were a lot of really talented people creating incredibly funny stuff and I felt lucky to be a part of it.

Of course, there’s always whiners and complainers. I’m not doing enough, I’m doing too much, I play favorites, I’m elitist.. 100% of the time, these people are the ones who choose to spend their time bitching about what other people are (or aren’t) doing instead of doing something productive themselves. Instead of writing comedy, they spend their days telling people that “this scene is too clicky.”

If THAT’s what your conversation is about then shut the fuck up. Be funny or fuck off.

If you want me to promote your shit, first you have to give me something to promote.. (and it has to be WORTH promoting!).. and and you have to make it easy for me to promote. If all I have to do is cut and paste your press release, chances are way better that I’ll do it.

And if I don’t? It’s probably for one (or more) of the following reasons:
1 – You’re not funny.
2 – You’re a dick.
3 – Your project (whatever it is) sucks.
4 – I’m busy working on MY projects (or projects that PAY $$$).
5 – It got lost in the shuffle (TONS of people send me stuff, and there just isn’t time to look at it all).
6 – I haven’t gotten to it yet.
7 – I forgot.

I hate stupid drama, but I bring this up because I want to make sure everybody understands something:

NOBODY owes you a god damn thing. I *choose* to promote shit I think is funny (and a lot of shit that I think is fucking mediocre at best) because I want to. If someone you barely fucking know don’t drop everything on their schedule to do something for free for you, it’s probably because that’s not how the world works.

Anybody who thinks they deserve this or that just because they exist.. just because they showed up.. just because they want it.. is a fucking idiot and doesn’t deserve shit.

However, if you’re doing something cool/unique/funny/interesting/whatever and want some help promoting it, give me a yell. I’d love to be involved. Just make it easy for me to help you:
1 – Learn how to write a press release. Then do that.
2 – Get some professional photography done.
3 – Get good looking and sounding audio and video clips made.
4 – Make promo kits. Then put that shit into my hands or inbox. (Also, put it online! There’s this thing called the internet, use it.)
5 – Follow up. Remind me, but don’t pester my ass.
6 – Be a professional.
7 – Be nice.
8 – Maybe do something for ME. When was the last time you promoted one of MY shows out of the goodness of your heart? Have you ever bought me a beer? How often do you talk to me when you DON’T want something from me?
9 – Hell, do something for YOURSELF. If you don’t have enough sense to do the things I’ve listed above, what makes you think I’m going to do something for you?

This isn’t a new idea or unique to me, this is how the fucking world works. I’m not a dick because I didn’t pick up the pieces of your open micer existence and build a 360 promotion deal and 50-city theater tour for you.

I’m sick of the idea that if I don’t do a complete stranger a favor by promoting his terrible, shitty act – I’m somehow wronging him. That, right out of the gate, I owe this goof something. That I should devalue myself, my brands, and the actual, WORKING comedians I associate with to promote some fuck-nut’s half-assed amateur bullshit.

I’m not a “gatekeeper” for comedy – I built a website 10 years ago to promote the local scene. If you don’t like what I do, fucking make your own website, you idiot. NashvilleStandUp isn’t a public utility that everybody has some birthright to utilize.

If you are pissed that I haven’t done FREE publicity for you.. keep in mind that this is one of the things I do for a living. YOU ARE NOT MY CLIENT. GO FUCK YOURSELF.

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2010-06-05

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  • Callia says, “Puppets are weird and I don’t like them. They always say stuff and want you to say things back, but they’re not alive. Weird.” #
  • I am currently booking dates for my new show called “The Arbitrary Adjective And/Or Ethnic Marketing Angle Of Comedy Tour” – watch for it. #
  • I want to die of natural causes. I’m assuming you consider massive amounts of drugs and alcohol and hookers to be totally natural, as I do. #
  • Shut the door! I don’t want any of these houseflies to get out. #
  • After a long battle with an infected hangnail, Chad Riden died this morning at 3:16 am. He is survived by one daughter and a mangy dog. #
  • Riden’s current understudy will continue to perform the act as a tribute and salute to the ‘Chad Riden’ brand of half-baked/assed comedy. #
  • Monetary donations in Riden’s honor can be sent to: Chad Riden’s Address; Nashville, TN.. or paypal chad (at) chadriden (dot) com. #
  • Incredible. // RT @TheInDecider Sarah Palin Lays Blame for the BP Oil Spill Where It Belongs, on Environmentalists http://bit.ly/9izJV8 #
  • RT @bdonahueweedman: @ChadRiden what happened? You okay? // Chad died, his understudy (me) was promoted to be the “new” full time Chad. #
  • thanks, almost forgot about that one // @BillyWayneDavis favorited a YouTube video – Dirk Schmeltzer: Desk Cop http://youtu.be/9mJmk-q2Ybo?a #
  • I’d like to see more links to things that are Awesome and NO MORE “ironic” links to things that Suck. Promote things worth promoting. #
  • I wish this broad would turn the volume up louder so I could better hear every keypress as she bangs out text messages. Her first phone? #
  • @themightychuck No, YOU’RE funny #ff in reply to themightychuck #
  • “The Truth is hack.” – @PattonOswalt, as told by @MarcMaron on the fantastic @WTFpod #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2009-11-14

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  • HEY @KeithAlberstadt I’m watching Florida play football.. turns out Vanderbilt has sports teams?! Thought you’d like to know. #
  • Back in Atlanta. What’s fun to do at 2am here? Hook it up somebody. #
  • so far I’m hearing ‘hookers’ and ‘blow’ both of which requires money in amounts that I do not have, but are otherwise fine suggestions. #
  • @ChadRiden no money if you do it right. (via @JaneHaze) #
  • @JaneHaze I’ve read all the Iceberg Slim books, but my pimp game is terribly insufficient for such an endeavor. in reply to JaneHaze #
  • Dragged to super douche nightclub.. It smells like Red Bull and sweat. Also many girls with great personalities! Ugh. (via @azizansari) #
  • “My stand-up career started sluggish—then tapered off.” Zane Sickle, Comic/Adventurer For Hire (via @veinarmor) #
  • Make a marketing post; it trips some keyword auto-follow thing the marketers use. Try it—don’t follow back! (via @veinarmor) #
  • Tonight’s my last night in Atlanta for a while: 8pm @ the Punchline w/ Larry Miller & Patti Vasquez http://tinyurl.com/yetmoce #
  • Listening to Marc Maron rant about his “validate me!” ‘status updates’ on WTF ep.3 #
  • …and relating completely. Listen to his podcast, it’s fantastic. #
  • Mississippi has declared a State of Emergency. It’s not the tropical storm coming.. they just realized that they live in Mississippi. #
  • I’m at Zanies in Chicago tonight. I lived in DuPage county as a kid.. It feels like going back to a home i’ve never been to. #
  • I had fun in Atlanta this weekend, but not the “bust in your house with Katt Williams and rob you” kinda fun: http://tinyurl.com/y8a8tbh #
  • crashed at the Chicago NashvilleStandUp.com Outpost near Wrigley Field w/ Damian Anaya, @AlexKendig & @BenBergman. On to Wausau, WI tonight. #
  • I don’t want to jinx it, but so far all signs point to this being a horrific disaster of a night. I smell “nightmare one nighter.” #
  • Warning sign #1: instead of hotel info, bookers instructions say to call the club mgr’s cell when i get close. #
  • Bad sign #2: managers phone rings and rings and goes to voicemail. #
  • Oh shit #3: at the venue, nobody to be found, but chippendales promo posters outnumber comedy night stuff 30:1 #
  • #4: bartender says, “oh there probably won’t be anyone here tonight. we just changed the night we do comedy. Last week we had seven people.” #
  • #5: 20 minutes pass.. manager does not call back. bartender calls him, he picks right up. He’ll be there in 10 min. #
  • #6: the key to the hotel room is an actual key. Make that motel.. And not a nice one. #
  • #7: I didn’t even need the key. My motel room door is slightly ajar and extremely murdery! Room is gross, old, dirty, and smelly. #
  • #8 the mattresses are covered in plastic. They are the ONLY things in the room that are not filthy. #
  • BTW, while I appreciate everyones comments and whatnot, I (for one) do NOT “like” my status. It is unfavorable. #
  • #9: comics pay full price for drinks #
  • #10: showtime was 10 minutes ago, the mic isn’t even set up yet. #
  • #11: no mic stand! no stool. #
  • #12: “club” lighting – purple gels on spotlights, spinny Saturday night fever lights #
  • 13: 7 people in the crowd. I ask, “how did you promote the show?” and the staff looked confused at the question. #
  • Comics Should ALWAYS Eat And Drink For Free Update: comics drink for free only while on stage here? I need a funnel. #
  • #14: one of the bartenders was in the back of the room talking LOUDLY to two dudes she is involved with and got thrown out. #
  • #15: bartender chick is back. Minus one dude, plus crying and attitude. #
  • #16: here’s what I was waiting for: manager says I don’t get paid here, the booker will mail a check. Perfect. #
  • It was nothing short of magic. // RT @Anundson: @ChadRiden sounds like a great night #
  • A couple that runs the motel were at the show: “anything we can get you?” me:”2 hookers and a case of champagne.” “we can’t do that, but..” #
  • Completely undeterred, tonight I’ll be dropping in for a quick set at the Comedy Club on State Street in Madison,WI 53703 @ 8:30 #
  • @ a coffee place in Madison, WI called “In The Company Of Thieves” – I knew I’d like this place just from the name. I feel right at home. #
  • @nambucom in the iphone app, when composing for ping.fm please add a character count like when composing for twitter. thanks #
  • #CHADRIDEN1K started on Oct. 8 with 388 followers. I’m now at 408. The response has been overwhelming, everybody. What a roller coaster! #
  • Woah! Define “hipster beard”-mines a “loser beard”// RT @ChristFinnegan It’s official-hipster beards r the Members Only jackets of this era. #
  • “the comedy club on state st.” in Madison isn’t the most creative name for a comedy club, but it’s a nice joint full of funny local comics. #
  • No! Do it!//RT @DrFunkhole: had been toying with the idea of trying my hand at stand up. EVIL SPIRITS COME OUT! Hallelujah! You’ve cured me. #
  • I’m gonna be extra funny and stuff tonight thru Saturday at Jokerz in Milwaukee, WI. Come laugh at my gut! #
  • Isnt this a Simpsons episode? // Radioactive water creeps deep under vast Nevada Test Site http://bit.ly/494vv1 via @LATimesNation #
  • On the road again…I just can’t wait to get on the road again…Willie’s right, its an addiction (via @billmaher) #
  • Every time I see someone in a turtleneck I think “you should get that circumcised.” #
  • I’ve been giving myself the slow, sarcastic clap all day. Everybody, stand-by for Gonorrhea jokes.. #
  • Do I hear the theme from “Superfly”? In Milwaukee tonight, doing two shows with Sinbad. http://tinyurl.com/sinbadWI #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2009-10-31

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  • Good point! I’ll write a show for my new character “Wacky McHacky” // RT @Kerry_White You need puppets and/or other comics’ material. Both? #
  • Just realized the comedy world and I have an abusive relationship. I imagine Lady Comedy crying to the cops, “but I loooovvvve himmm!” #
  • How in the world did MC Hammer go broke? Oh yeah.. http://bit.ly/zyEQ3 #
  • I don’t have a problem w/ Dunham I just hate his show // RT @Gabe138 no problems with Jeff Dunham, but Mencia’s and unfunny joke thief. #
  • I think the real swine flu National Emergency is that we HAVE a vaccine for it, but people are scared to get it. (?!?) #
  • Incredibly stupid, gullible, crappy parents outraged that “Baby Einstein” videos are not even slightly educational: http://adjix.com/n2i5 #
  • WHAT!? You’re telling me actual interaction with a child is better than plopping them down in front of a completely retarded video? Get out. #
  • another newsflash: When you talk baby talk to your child, you’re teaching them to talk like a baby. That’s why your 6 yr old sounds 3. #
  • I’m so hateful. “Hey parents! Your kids are stupid because you’re stupid. (sfx: fart)” #
  • Also, the soul patch is DONE. // RT @JoeNarvaez When are dudes with goatees going to realize they are stuck in the mid 90s? #
  • @JDFelip Man says, “You have to book my familys act. It’s incredible! We rape the audience!” “What do you call yourselves?” The Aristocrats! #
  • @lgu I’ve tried to bake a decent loaf of bread many, many times using many, many recipes & end up with nothing but bricks. WTF am I missing? #
  • A booker asked how clean I can be. I told him my range goes from “my 92 year old Lutheran grandma from ND is in the front row” to.. #
  • .. “the still-sticky stripper pole is the cleanest thing on the stage.” Will I get booked? Guess again. #
  • Now that I think of it I’m not exactly sure how old grandma actually is, so that may not be completely true. #
  • Grandma & my mom curse, but they do it like this: horse-feathers! fish sticks! for Pete’s sake! I tell ‘em God knows what they really mean. #
  • Whenever poker comes on tv I think “OH SHIT, did I just watch Carson Daly?!” #
  • I saw a website that sells chocolate covered bacon. Sorry boys, no sales from me. I think I’ve figured out the secret recipe: choc. + bacon? #
  • bake or fry your bacon. melt chocolate chips. run bacon thru the choc., chill it in the fridge for a few. could be the greatest thing ever. #
  • WTF, everybody? C’mon now.. #
  • If there’s any one thing idiotic loudmouth dildos love, it’s other idiotic loudmouth dildos. #
  • I got to see Kevin Nealon wed, Lewis Black last night, the Music City Bar & Grill show tonight, Satan Day tomorrow.. it’s been a fun week. #

Found in my parents house: Lucky Jesus Cross

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Don't put all your eggs in one basket.

Don't put all your eggs in one basket.

I guess it makes sense?

If one good luck charm doesn’t work out the way they planned, hopefully the other will save the day, right?

I don’t know where you buy one of these but I’ll bet somebody got rich selling them. I wonder what they credit more for their success? Luck? Jesus? The fusion of both made their dreams come true. May we all be so lucky / blessed.