It has been a long time since my last column. Now that I’ve typed that, I realize that any one of my columns could start with that sentence. I could lie to you and make up some lame excuse about how I was out helping orphaned chipmunks suckle their surrogate mothers’ teets.. but what would that gain? No, I’ve been really busy for several legitimate reasons.
First, I was deathly ill for five and a half weeks. I know.. “but Chad, you’re so fit and healthy looking!” True, years of beer and Italian sausage links have blessed me with the body of a Chippendale.. but even I get sick. I blame the kids. About the same time all the filthy students came back to town, I caught what must have been some sort of non-fatal strain of the West Nile Virus. The little punks came in from all across the nation, carrying disease like the filthy little rats and flies they are.
The girls all spent their summers “going wild” and the guys (I’m sure) spent at least some time passed out on a filthy floor.. so I’m not surprised that when they converge upon campus they become a melting pot of infections and viral sores. The kids.. the kids are nothing more than a fertile breeding ground for strains of inflictions unknown to modern science. Ahh.. but somehow (once again) I’ve digressed.
Secondly, I got married. I know.. “but Chad, you always said you weren’t getting married until you were sixty.. that you would then finally settle down with a hot little twenty year old.” True, true. I said that. Fact is, I couldn’t wait thirty something years.. On October 5th, I eloped with the hot little twenty year old I’ve been seeing for the last eight months.
She’s perfect.. It hit me the first time we met that she was everything I’d always wanted in a woman: she was beautiful.. intelligent.. actually talking to me.. it was like a dream come true. I never thought I’d meet anybody worth a damn. Most women seem to be funkless clones.. mindless lemmings.. psycho maniacs.. or insecure twits who’ve starved themselves for vanity.. but not my lady.
The day of our wedding was beautiful. First thing in the morning, she gave me a letter where she poured out her soul to me detailing her love and appreciation for me, her hopes for the future, her promises to me.. it was very touching. I felt really bad, though, because she had given me the greatest gift of all.. and I realized that all I had to offer her was bad breath and a boner.
We drove to The Little Log Chapel in Gatlinburg, and had a lovely ceremony.. just the two of us (plus the preacher and the photographer). Of course, when the news started getting out there were generally three reactions:
1) “That’s funny! Riden, you’re crazy! For real though, you didn’t get married, right?”
2) “Oh! That’s great! I knew it would happen sooner or later! Congratulations!”
3) “Thanks for the invitation, jerk. I was supposed to be there..”
Nobody believed it was real. My brother, Kirk, demanded to see the marriage license before he would acknowledge it. Once Jesse Perry realized it wasn’t just a silly hoax or a scam to get presents from people, he asked if I had gotten married so I could come up with material. Yes, of course.. that’s why I’ve pledged my life to this woman.. for comedy! It’s not the unconditional love or the vows of life-long dedication or the comforting peace that washes over me when I think about her.. no, I married her so I could be funny! (We’ll be renewing our vows this weekend.. it already seems to be wearing off.)
It is really funny to hear from the third category of people. The first thing they say is “What about me?! Me, me, ME!” That’s exactly the bullshit we were trying to avoid. Nothing brings out the pathetic drama queens quite like a wedding.
My youngest brother, Eric, got married last year.. and you should have been there to see it. When you’ve heard rumors that some redneck, welfare recipient jackass might try to bring a shotgun to the ceremony to shoot the groom.. you know it’s an East Tennessee wedding. After it was all over, my mother said to Kirk and I “When it comes time for you two to get married.. please elope!” So we did.
Be glad, too. It saves everybody from dealing with the hassle. I spent almost every weekend this summer going to watch friends of mine get married. It just seems so selfish to me.. “Mr. and Mrs. Whoever request the honor of your wedding gifts and presence for the joining in holy matrimony of Bleepity Bloop Whoever to Flippity Floop on A Saturday when you could be relaxing in the comfort of your own home, but instead have to drag your sorry ass off the couch, put on nice churchy clothes and drive hundreds of miles to watch people you barely know anymore pledge their stupid love for one another. Reception to follow. RSVP.”
No, I couldn’t put all my friends thru such an ordeal. To me, it’s just common courtesy. My lady and I are in love. Does that involve you? No, of course not. (Well, I should hope not..) Why should you have to blow a weekend just because we’ve taken a cruise on the Love Boat?
Some have said, “but you don’t get any wedding gifts this way.” That’s not what it’s about. If you got married just so your rich uncle would buy you a TiVo.. how screwed up is that? I understand, though, that people want to show you their and give you a nice keepsake. With that in mind, we’ve set up a registry on www.amazon.com so everybody who feels left out of the whole process can make themselves feel better. Not that we expect anybody to buy us anything.. but a lot of people have asked, so there it is. (It’s a service to you, see?)
Meanwhile, we’re happy and healthy and are having fun. The lesson here is: nobody can ruin your wedding for you if you don’t invite them. Now go over to Amazon and buy me a TiVo.