Pop Singer Michael Bolton Loses U.S. Top Court Appeal

WASHINGTON – Pop superstar Michael Bolton lost a U.S. Supreme Court bid on Monday to overturn a $5.4 million jury verdict that his hit, “Love Is a Wonderful Thing,” copied parts of a song by the legendary soul singers, the Isley Brothers. This decision officially confirms Bolton as this year’s early leader among pop acts completely devoid of original thought and talent. Ricky Martin follows at a close second, due to his Pre-Presidential Inauguration Concert. The nation is still in shock following news source Reuters’ use of the phrase “pop superstar” in conjunction with Michael Bolton.

‘Friends’ Beefs Up for Battle Against ‘Survivor’

HOLLYWOOD – In a desperate move to limit the potential damage from CBS’ “Survivor: The Australian Outback,” .NBC will serve up extra-long episodes of “Friends” and a shortened prime-time version of “Saturday Night Live” from 8-9 p.m. on Thursdays next month. When reached for comment, an unnamed NBC representative was quoted as saying, “It’s OVER! It’s ALL OVER! Oh, my God it’s all crashing down around me! What have we done? What have we dooooooooonnnnnnnnnnne?!”

This reporter thinks they should just have hour-long Friends episodes where the gang sits around watching Survivor on their tv. Then, you get all the things you love about Friends, you don’t miss what happens down in Australia, and NBC would be slightly less conspicuous with it’s lack of faith in their product.

In other entertainment news, Tupac Shakur is still dead. We’ll keep you updated on this late-breaking story as it unfolds.

George W. Bush Delivers 14-Minute Inaugural Address

WASHINGTON – Minutes after he was sworn in as the 43rd president Saturday, President George W. Bush delivered his inaugural address, ‘We Are Bound By Ideals.’ While the entire speech makes for an interesting (if not appalling) read, I’ll only bring up a few points here for discussion purposes.

“And I thank Vice President Gore for a contest conducted with spirit, and ended with grace.” Grace? GRACE?? This ‘contest’ ended with anything but grace. The re-writing of history and bastardization of facts begins as soon as he takes oath.

“We have a place, all of us, in a long story; a story we continue, but whose end we will not see.” Oh, I disagree.. I think we’ll see the end very soon. The apocalypse is nearer than ever my friends! Prepare yourself for what is to come.

“We will build our defenses beyond challenge, lest weakness invite challenge. We will confront weapons of mass destruction, so that a new century is spared new horrors.” First of all, our defenses are already beyond challenge. That’s not exactly a program we’ve shortchanged. Our educational system, however, is underfunded across the board and is almost laughable on a world-wide level. We’re widely thought of as a nation of dumb-asses, and Dubbya, you’re not helping.

“I will live and lead by these principles: to advance my convictions with civility; to pursue the public interest with courage; to speak for greater justice and compassion; to call for responsibility, and try to live it as well. In all these ways, I will bring the values of our history to the care of our times.” George, if you want to pursue the public interest, resign!

Parents Starved Children ‘On God’s Orders’

NAIROBI – Six emaciated Kenyan children who were kept indoors and deprived of food for four weeks “on God’s orders” have been taken to a children’s home and their fanatical Christian parents have been arrested, police said on Monday. You know, I was a bad child myself.. but you know you’ve got really bad kids when even GOD hates them.

Well, that’s all the news unfit to print.. until next time, this is Chad Riden saying, “koo koo kachoo.”