Tag Archives: stupid

Introducing Granny McSassy-Pants

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Granny McSassy-Pants headshot

the new headshot

Everybody knows that the best way to stumble upon new, fresh, up-and-coming talent is by watching prime time network tv. It is the proving grounds. The trenches. The trial-by-fire, do-or-die, additional-hyphenated-cliche, one and only shot at the Big Time. The World tunes in together to watch these bold gladiators of the stage battle for our collective hearts.

Some foolish performers toil away at open mics and local showcases.. then go on the road, honing their skills for years.. gradually working their way up the ranks as they develop and mature and refine their acts.. but how stupid is all that noise? Developing material? Seasoning as a performer? Honing your craft? What a crock of I Can’t Believe It’s Not Margarine! Get you a wacky costume, find a hook and get your lazy rear out to the cattle call auditions, dippy!

That’s what happened to me. I took my wacky keister down to the America’s Last Talent Standing auditions and the fine folks at NBC immediately took to my “balding yet somehow extremely hairy, lazy, overweight, white, smart ass” character. It was unique. It was unprecedented. It was exactly what they were looking for. I did my thing and they made me A Star. Wham-bam, thank you ‘merica! BOOYAA! America’s Favorite Comedian Of All Time TM can has yr cheezburger!

I’ve been riding that glorious wave of support and love and free stuff for years. I gotta say, it’s been an incredible journey. Thanks to all my fans, you know? Without you, I couldn’t (wouldn’t?) do this. That is straight from the heart, bitches. You know that.

With all of this said, I have an announcement to make. I’m putting my clever “Chad Riden” character on hold for a while. Don’t get me wrong. I LOVE playing that guy. He’s so cute and adorable and funny and relate-able.. such an “everyman” character. I think that’s what made him so universally loved – the fact that deep down, there’s a little “Chad Riden” in all of us, you know? (and hey, if there’s NOT, there CAN BE after the show! Youknowatimsayin ladies? This guy knows what I’m mocking about.)

I never thought I’d see the day, but the time has come to pack up the “Chad” costume and put that era of my career behind me for now. I’ve got something new I want to share with the world and I really need to devote all of my synergies into this full heartedly.

Introducing Granny McSassy-Pants! My new character is a sassy Southern granny who speaks her mind! She don’t take no junk from nobody! AND (this is the best part) she’s got herself something of a potty mouth! I’ve got the next quarter totally booked up, but please use the contact form to book Granny McSassy-Pants for your tv show or movie or county fair and we might be able to cancel something to make time for it.

Thanks again to all the Chad Riden Fans out there, I hope you continue to follow me as I break new ground in this exciting, revolutionary adventure.

Jesus Appears In My Spaghetti

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What Would Jesus Eat?

What Would Jesus Eat?

BEHOLD! True believers the world over, rejoice! I have received a message from our Lord and Savior Jesus Herbert Christmas, the third HIMSELF!

I was preparing to make (or “fiddin’ ta fix” for my more rural friends) a bowl of delicious pasta for myself and was blessed to find a shepherd’s crook in my box of spaghetti. A semolina representation of the symbol of the gentle shepherd of men! Clearly, The Lord Hey-Zeus Himself has chosen to appear to me in delicious noodle form to spread blessings to all who view this glorious representation of Him.

Townsfolk in the greater Nashville area have been flocking to view this glorious miracle and YOU CAN, TOO! Use my contact form to schedule your pilgrimage to see the HOLY SPAGHETTI! All we ask is a meager donation of $20 or more to The Church Of The Holy Spaghetti Thing to cover our operational costs.

May the Holy Spaghetti bless us all!

Leonard part Highway 61 Revisited

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Largely overlooked, this was a straight to the bargain bin at WalMart release.

Largely overlooked, this was a straight to the bargain bin at WalMart release.

The Rooftop Comedy kids pulled my coat tail to something awesome. Bill Cosby has a vlog! And Facebook! And Twitter! I absolutely LOVE Bill Cosby, but I gotta admit.. I kinda thought he was slightly too “old fart”y to be all hip to the intertubenet.

Rooftop notes that in his vlog “the Cos talks about meeting Bob Dylan for the first time in 1963, and as you can see, he was thoroughly not impressed with the guy. I think it’s a shame that the meeting of these two geniuses was so fruitless. How great would it have been if they had hit it off and starting working together? They could have easily been the greatest buddy cop duo in movie history! Leonard part Highway 61 Revisited! * Are you kidding me? *A free Rooftop Tshirt to the first person that photoshops this.”

I dunno if I’ll be first to do it, but this is right up my alley. Five minutes in Photoshop for something they’d probably give away for free anyway? Sure.

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America's Favorite

Welcome to America’s Favorite Website About America’s Favorite Comedian Of All Time,™©®* Chad Riden. Here you’ll find Chad Riden’s videos, photos, touring schedule, bio, news and stuff.

For those of you unaware of the history of this website, we weren’t originally called “ChadRiden.com” – at first, we were called “AmericaWhoIsYourFavoriteComedianOfAllTime.com” and while, admittedly, we didn’t really have a lot of content at the time.. we were very popular. Now, decades later, the only thingie left over from the old site is the poll that made us famous! Today, we focus on celebrating the life and career of the clear, undisputed winner of our survey: America’s Favorite Comedian Of All Time,™©®* Chad Riden.

So, sit back, click around, and enjoy. Or don’t. Either way, buy something, subscribe to the mailing list and send us an email about how much you love/hate America’s Favorite Website About America’s Favorite Comedian Of All Time,™©®* Chad Riden.

* ATTENTION STUPIDS: Yes, we’re fully aware that nobody gives a crap about Chad Riden. Dress for the job you want, not the job you have.

The Blackout Blues

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I like to think of myself as rough and rugged. A man’s man.. a guy with the strength, stamina and willpower to “tough it out.” A brave, stalwart old soul – willing to do it the hard way. Defeating the odds, overcoming all obstacles and persevering until the very end. A winner, a worker, a thoroughbred, a champion.

Then my power went out. I was playing Ultima Online and watching Late Show with David Letterman. It had been storming all day and the news said power outages were expected.. but when my house went dark I sat there surprised and completely lost.

I stumbled across the room to light some candles. With two candles lit, it occurred to me that in today’s world most candles are pretty to look at and smell really good but don’t cast a light worth anything. Thanks Bath & Body Works! Screwed again!

With my candles lit, I called to report the power outage and sat back down in my chair. Staring blankly into the darkness, I patiently waited for my tv and computer to power back up. “Any minute now,” I thought to myself.

Fast forward 30 minutes. I was now swigging Stolichnaya Orange Flavored Russian Vodka from the bottle… rubbing my hands thru my hair and over my face.. exhaling abnormally loudly.. and getting worried. Still staring at my blank television, waiting for it’s triumphant return to glory.

Minutes pass and nothing happens. “Watched water never boils,” I thought to myself and turned away – looking at a candle instead. I wondered if there were any activities I enjoy that didn’t require electricity. The light was too dim to read a book. READ?! Why, I could read my email with my cel phone! Battery-powered, night-lit technology! Thank God, I’m saved!

You’d think so… but no, not quite. After deleting the accumulation of lame-ass forwards, there wasn’t much else to do. (By the way, if you forward those stupid chain letters, “jokes”, alleged beta-tests where morons think Microsoft / NASA / Disney / whoever is going to pay everybody for sending it, and oh-my-God virus alerts to everybody you know every chance you get but can’t take the time to write a personal, original note expressing your own thoughts, feelings or experiences… then STOP. Nobody gives a crap about that stuff. You’re wasting time and bandwidth.) Anyway, with my inbox cleared of debris I turned off the phone and once again was enveloped in the quiet darkness which is a power outage.

I started feeling desperate. I noticed my face twitching and my hands shaking. If only I knew enough to build an alternative power source generator of some kind… damn my mediocre education! What to do? I couldn’t just go to bed! That would be insane! That would be just as good as giving up the fight and accepting doom.

This was a fate altering decision: either keep the faith… or ditch the ship; concede defeat; totally sell out; shop at The Gap; eat at McDonald’s; go to the mall; tuck my shirt in; follow the crowd; become a lesbian; enjoy Coca-Cola; buy a Palm Pilot; join a health club; get in line; leave a message; take a number… CONFORM!

No, no! I couldn’t go out like that. I had to stay up… and write lame comedy!