Callia made a video friday wondering how/why Nashville schools could possibly be closed for bad weather even though the weather and roads are “just fine.” Is the Metro Nashville school system ‘lazy’?
Here’s a thing we made during the snow a couple weeks ago starring Lacy, Guido, Ace, Laura, Callia and myself.. and introducing “Bertha The Snow Girl.”
starring Lacy, Guido, Ace, Laura, Callia and Chad Riden.. and introducing “Bertha The Snow Girl.”
- HEY, producers of that Prevacid ad where the stand-up comic made fun of a guy for getting up and walking out during a show.. #
..the average comic isnt an ass-hat. we generally dont make fun of people unless they bring it upon themselves (like you, weird looking guy) #
- watching my TiVo’d SNL rerun. Dave Mathews Band has been playing this same song for what, 15 years now? & I thought I hated it way back then #
- TiVo is set to get anything “Premier/ pilot/ finale” – I almost deleted “Pet Psychic Encounters” then thought, “WAIT – I need new material.” #
- “Pet Psychic Encounters” is as retarded as you’d expect.. and I’d love to mock it, but I can’t tolerate this old british woman’s accent. #
- I love the way late night infomercials for POS workout devices repeatedly say “buns”. #
- Spending entire day at the dentist having my teeth replaced with steel teeth like Richard Kiel as Jaws in The Spy Who Loved Me & Moonraker. #
- Bottom teeth out, new steel lowers / deadly anti-spy weapons are in. Already accidentally bit my tongue off. #
- Not if you have Internet voting. // RT @punchlinemag: if we have a funniest Valentines Day video contest would you enter? #contest #comedian in reply to punchlinemag #
- http://twitpic.com/wyykr – My new teeth look exactly like this. #
- @nsup @nashvillecomedy The Emergency Backup cans of Fresca I keep in my trunk have frozen and exploded. That’s good thinkin’! #
- Lady at dentists office:”kids think they’re not cool if they don’t have the latest gadgets.” me:”they AREN’T cool, but toys won’t fix that.” #
- I’m pretty sure dental hygienists leave the Nitrous oxide hose thing on so they don’t have to look up your nose the whole time. #
- Nashville schools are closed today because they THINK it MIGHT snow an inch. Have not seen a single flake yet. Pussies. You’re all pussies. #
- We’ve gotten a light dusting of snow. Good job Nashville schools! You’ve protected our children from getting slightly moist. #
It snowed seven inches in Nashville the other day. In many parts of the world this isn’t a big deal. In Tennessee, forecasts of light flurries are like air-raid sirens foretelling our unavoidable total annihilation.
Law abiding, civil citizens are reduced to chaotic maniacs without logic or the driving skills of a sixteen-year-old girl. Store shelves are emptied of all bread and milk as if this would be the last chance to go to a store until the tribulation is over. Schools close (Not the day before.. or early enough in the morning for parents to make plans.. no, no. That would make sense.) once the kids are all on campus. Therefore, business offices empty as mom and dad scramble to make arrangements. This means the roads are full of frantic parents terrified that their offspring will freeze to death if they don’t spin their tires in the snow as they fishtail their way thru the red light.
I’ve never seen driving quite like that which you find in the South when it has snowed. The majority of my youth was spent a few minutes west of Chicago in DuPage county. I wasn’t anywhere near old enough to drive when we moved, but I knew to shift into low gear; to drive slow and steady without spinning my tires; to turn the wheel and gun it when I want to turn; to counter-steer my way out of a skid; to park the car somewhere other than in the middle of the road facing the wrong direction.
While waiting about an hour for my chance to drive up an off ramp, a man actually walked down the line of cars telling people, “the Department Of Transportation guy says to try it one at a time.” Really? ‘Cause I thought maybe the best thing to do would be to pass these people waiting so I can floor it about a third of the way up the hill until I meet the car ahead. That way, I have to stop on an ice covered incline, slide to the bottom and start all over. Either that, or just sit there spinning my tires so people who know what they’re doing can’t make a run for it.
To me, the funniest sights on a snow day are the guys driving the classic big ass trucks. I’m not sure what it’s like in your town, but in Nashville we have many “cowboys” (most of whom have never, ever touched a cow) who drive monster pickups with giant lifts and enormous mud tires. Much like their SUV-driving soccer mom counterparts, their off-road vehicles never leave the pavement. I’ve seen trucks big enough to crush a hatchback spinning in circles and on their sides in ditches. How embarrassing it must be to walk home after such a disgraceful display of ineptitude. How do they face their friends and families? “Uh, you know that super-sized truck I overextended our budget for? Yeah. It snowed a few inches, and.. ehh.. I got it stuck.”
At least the kids here know what to do – sled.. make snowmen.. throw snowballs at cars. While they’re out having fun, where are their parents? Boarding up the windows.. cracking open the Y2K stockpiles.. loading up in their rear-wheel-drive piece of crap so they can slide around the road, blocking my way.
Some things never cease to amaze me.. most all of them involve stupid people. OK, I understand that it doesn’t snow here often. I realize that everybody doesn’t have much experience driving in the snow.. but common sense would tell you to either: A) practice driving in the snow in a safe parking lot, or B) stay the hell off the road. Every time it snows here it’s like it’s the first time ever.
Maybe I’m too harsh. Maybe I’m an impatient jerk. Or maybe it’s just that I’m just not a complete moron.