A couple years ago I wrote a bit that began with jokes about Nashville’s Nascar Cafe shutting down. With a paper thin segue flimsily in place, I suggested that it was just a matter of time until the Baptists opened their own theme restaurant. “This IS the Bible Belt.. they control everything else in town. Why not?” Well, my friends, it may not be the Baptists specifically, but today’s Tennessean reports that soon there will be a Christian-themed restaurant in downtown Nashville where Planet Hollywood used to be.

This is a fantastic idea. Not only does this mean they’ll remove that ridiculous Planet Hollywood crap from Broadway, but now I can rehash my old material and it will seem timely and fresh. Thanks, God, you’re the greatest!

“They’ll probably call it something stupid like.. The Last Supper. It’ll be the only pot-luck restaurant in town. I can just imagine the menu. I can’t wait to get a Moses burger on unleavened wheat. They’ll have all the biblical favorites: fishes, loaves, wine.. but the wine will taste suspiciously watered down. (Ahh! Miracle wine!) You can’t say anything, though.. it’s Christ’s place.. you can’t bust on Jesus! In most restaurants, the customer is always right. Not in the Christian Cafe.. here, you’re WRONG.. you’ve ALWAYS BEEN WRONG and if you don’t change your ways (and leave a good tip) you’ll burn in Hell FOREVER!”

For my dear sweet mother’s sake, let me say that I’m not anti-Christian. I don’t hate Jesus.. but I don’t trust organized religions. There’s a big difference in what God says and what men say God said when they didn’t actually hear it themselves.. but instead heard it thru a game of “Telephone” that has lasted about 2000 years. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not one to mock other people’s beliefs.. oh, wait.. yes, I am.

Maybe it’s just me, but I’ll trust the visions of a native American smoking a peace pipe before I’d listen to a Latin-speaking pedophile. You lost me somewhere between the Crusades, Inquisitions, the selling of indulgences and the ex-communication of people who first thought that the world was round and revolved around the sun. If you want to hear the Catholics try to bullshit their way into heaven, see the Columbia University Augustine Club’s Catholic Church FAQ – it’s great for a laugh. Ahh, but once again I’ve digressed.

Back home in Nashville, a group of investors reportedly paid over $7 million for the old Planet Hollywood facility. Wes Lamoureux, one of the real estate developers who invested in the restaurant, says “we’re going to be aiming at the college crowd.” The Tennessean article reports that the new eatery won’t serve alcohol or allow smoking (and as we all know, college kids HATE drinking and smoking). Mr. Lamoureux explains, “our motive isn’t profit.” Well, Wes, if not turning a profit is your goal, I think your business plan is perfect!

It’s just another fun chapter in the saga of the vacant buildings in downtown Nashville. Last Monday we did a comedy show at Seanachie Irish Pub across the street on 4th and Broadway. This show was so incredibly good, the owners of Seanachie’s had no idea how to follow it. We blew the roof off the joint so hard, legally they could never sell another alcoholic beverage in that space again. The surrounding businesses were jealous of that night’s success and had Seanachie’s business license revoked. The next day, Seanachie closed it’s doors forever.

I don’t know if there is a lesson to be learned, but if you have a struggling business and need somebody to put it out of it’s misery, consider booking a night of comedy. We need the stage time. Plus, once you’re closed down you can use the time to reinvent your club and come up with an entirely new doomed concept.

It’s actually a comfort to me to see businesses closing their doors downtown. I moved to Nashville from the orange and white city of Knoxville, so when I see a desolate, empty downtown it makes me feel at home. Keep it up, Nashville! We’ll turn this rugged state into a giant HoboTown housing project before you can say “lack of public !”