Tag Archives: laura

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2011-02-19

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  • I like my women the way I like my coffee: mocha & on ice with honey #
  • I like my women the way I like my cars: fast and stolen #
  • I like my women the way I like my weed: sticky & mexican #
  • I like my women the way I like my fridge: turned on and full of booze #
  • I like my women the way I like my play-dough: moist, mold-able & non-toxic #
  • I like my women the way I like my Internal Revenue Service: taxing my ass #
  • I like my women the way I like my razors: disposable #
  • I like my women the way I like my burgers: cheap and greasy #
  • KNOXVILLE 8pm tonight: The Upstairs Underground Stand-Up Comedy Show @ Preservation Pub/Market Square http://on.fb.me/eRnLQT w/ @KnoxComedy#
  • Callia made a video fri wondering how/why @MetroSchools could possibly be closed for bad weather: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0KpF_Fp5hVs#
  • Today: I pledge my love for my lovely wifera and go out of my way to make her feel special. Tomorrow: back to being emotionally unavailable. #
  • On my way to deliver sushi to my wife, the serpentine belt snaps. She warned me that something was wrong w/ the truck but I didn’t listen. #
  • I just saw a guy climb into his Thunderbird window Dukes Of Hazzard style. Nashville, sometimes you are just too adorable for words. #
  • Facebook’s “like” button is ok, but on old MySpace you could give one or two kudos. I miss the ability to DOUBLE-like something. #

  • Just farted so hard my butt hurts. Happy Valentine’s Day everybody. #

  • Went to (still at) Spanky’s open mic. Good to see people unwittingly paying tribute to @JesseIsTerriffic & the stupid traditions we started. #
  • One major difference: one last joke. We USED to do that b/c we only had a few comics & wanted to fill an hour and a half show. 3.25 hours in #
  • 3.25 hours in and we still have 3 comics left. THEN we’ll do one last joke. To stretch it out. Even though 90% of the comics have left. #
  • Then we’ll award a can of Fresca (“Fresca? that’s good drinkin’!”) to a ‘winner’ like we always did, except with reverence instead of irony. #
  • Also missing: the certificate that proclaims the ‘winner’ to be “the biggest hack in Nashville this week.” THATs what that award means erbdy #
  • RT “@heatherhocomedy: oh how I miss the fresca” // no, you miss those people in that scene in those days (as do I).. but they’re all gone. #
  • Druncle Chad shoulda never started tweetering last night. Going to that show is like revisiting an abusive relationship with an x-girlfriend #
  • It was actually a fun, half-decent show (for the most part) but some time around hour 3 of open mics I start teetering on the edge of sanity #
  • I mentioned @JesseIsTerrific in a tweeter last night but I spelled terrific wrong because I am an idiot. #
  • 8pm TONIGHT @ Lindsay Street Hall; 901 Lindsay St; Chattanooga, TN 37402 w/ @DougStanhope :: http://on.fb.me/hycXTl :: who has bail money? #

  • @DougStanhope just took the audience outside for a mid-set smoke break thanks to the wireless mic. Awesome. http://twitpic.com/40xmtv#

  • RT “@MoAlexander: @ChadRiden dude you guys played a church” // what better place to preach to the choir? #
  • RT @Gary__Fletcher “I’ll MC.. for FREE. And by “FREE” I mean I’ll suck your dicks. With my mouth.”// deal! @lizwearstights has to watch. in reply to Gary__Fletcher#
  • Gat DERN it #
  • RT “@Anundson: @tonyyoungblood @JesseIsTerrific I didn’t go. How was Riden?”// i was foolish for trying to follow the mattoid! #
  • @Gary__Fletcher did a fantastic job, Craig Smith made a special guest appearance performing with the mattoid, and Bingo was all dressed up! #
  • In the immortal words of Reno Collier, “I don’t FEEL GOOD.” #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2010-07-10

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  • all my best stories are either pending court cases.. or can’t be told until the statute of limitations runs out.. or are totally forgotten. #
  • Having kids in your house is like having an infestation of rats. They chew up your stuff, build little nests, are impossible to get rid of. #
  • ..unless you set up traps and use rat poison. That usually does the trick. #
  • Jogging is better on the Wii Fit.. ’cause in real life you never run past Hitler, Chuck Norris, Darth Vader, Willie Nelson and Snoop Dogg. #
  • apparently all you have to do is mention Chuck Norris and @ChuckNorriz will follow you. I “auto-follow” porn stars and SEO/marketing douches #
  • I have to watch ‘Louis’ on F/X all by myself because Laura says “it hits too close to home” for her to enjoy it. Thanks @louisck #
  • @JesseIsTerrific nope.. she decided that after seeing the pilot episode. So you see, I have to watch ‘Louis’ on F/X all by myself… #
  • Sadly, David Letterman’s @Late_Show is in reruns this week. Here’s my Top 10 Signs You’re Obsessed With The Late Show: #
  • 10. Your strict “no-talking during the show” policy includes commercial breaks and a 5-minute post show “cool down.” @Late_Show #
  • 9. During lovemaking, you scream “Who Asked For It?” @Late_Show #
  • 8. Bill DeLace recognizes your face and name. / You know who Bill DeLace is. (tie) @Late_Show #
  • 7. You reenact the show every morning with homemade Paul and Dave dolls. @Late_Show #
  • 6. You’re still holding a candle-light vigil for the return of Pea Boy. @Late_Show #
  • 5. Your apartment is known as “The Dave Cave,” but your name isn’t Dave. @Late_Show #
  • 4. Constantly on alt.fan.letterman, arguing the historical significance of Peggy The Foul Mouthed Chambermaid. @Late_Show #
  • 3. The centerpiece of your shrine for Chris Elliott is a giant jar containing Chris Elliott. @Late_Show #
  • 2. All you ever wear is double-breasted suits and your Larry “Bud” Melman pajamas. @Late_Show #
  • 1. After all these years, you’re still searching for Dave’s erotic blog. @Late_Show #
  • Callia’s first concert: “Weird” Al Yankovic. Awesome! (@ Tennessee Theatre w/ @supercatmatt) http://4sq.com/6cKjA2 #
  • I’m still waiting for the very first time any athlete effects my life in any real way whatsoever [rolling eyes, making jerk off hand motion] #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2009-12-12

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  • Washing and drying a few loads of snuggies, slankets and bariatric slipper socks. #
  • RT @toddbarry: My favorite part of getting the Sunday NY times: throwing out the Sports section. #
  • “Osama Bin Laden has never touched a dime of his Al Qaeda money, living entirely off of his stand-up income.” Late Show fun fact 10/9/2009 #
  • RT @Anundson: Chad Riden and Jesse Perry live in studio on Tues Dec 8th 8-9am WRVU 91.1. The final Get Up Stand Up! streaming @ wrvu.org #
  • #CHADRIDEN1K started on Oct. 8 with 388 followers. Im now at 414. I’m starting to think we’re not on track to hit 1,000 by NYE, everybody. #
  • Remember my pledge to donate ONE THOUSAND pennies to charity if I get 1,000 followers by the end of 2009!? C’mon, Twitter.. where’s your <3? #
  • IT’S FOR CHARITY, people. Surely we can find 586 twitter users who like random, passive-agressive jackassery? Tell a friend: #CHADRIDEN1K #
  • Uh, oh. I’m getting all retrospective-y on 2009.. I only kinda remember what I did this year, so I’ll mark it down as a success. #
  • In 2010, I’ll continue my quest for more & better quality of everything, but will settle for whatever and be satisfied with none of it. #
  • Callia and I tastefully decorated the house last night. My lovely wifera just said, “it looks like Christmas threw up in here.” #
  • Woke up thinking WWJD?, so we’re sitting around the fireplace drinking whiskey & singing ironically anti-semitic lyrics to Christmas tunes. #
  • Endorsement Dr. Bamfords NO SOAP http://ping.fm/ESu0h #
  • RT @Anundson was just informed I am not welcome back on WRVU, seven hours after I announced I wouldn’t be back. another bridge burned #wrvu #
  • Jim Hayes, Assistant Director of Student Media/Broadcasting at Vanderbilt University, is a giant dildo. (it’s not libel if it’s true!) #wrvu #
  • Once again, telling Callia that old story about the time I got into a gunfight with Santa Claus. (Don’t hate on me, he started it.) #
  • actually it was TG2:EB2: Electric Boogaloo’er! // RT @themightychuck @GeoffBreedwell Chad just celebrated Thanksgiving 2 Electric Boogaloo #
  • Dear Internet, could I please have more shitty Tiger Woods jokes? I can’t get enough of ‘em! I just know they’ll stand the test of time.. #
  • ha! David Letterman’s first message on twitter: RT @Late_Show Do you smell veal and peppers? // yes, Dave. Yes, I do. #
  • judging from the evidence I’ve gathered in and around my bathroom, last night I brushed my teeth with A+D diaper rash cream. #
  • the anchor on CNN just said, “electriZZZity.” could someone around Atlanta please punch her in the face for me? ty #
  • Callia brought home her first Kwanzaa related school work today. mat? fruit? candles? ears of corn? unity cup? gifts? we’re converting. #
  • Project: Scientology Sucks (a video prank contest) – cash prizes! I want to do this: http://ping.fm/qHrJz #
  • I just try to steal their hearts. // RT @Grimeys: it makes me cry when you steal from us @Grimeys… just so you know (via @NashvilleCream) #
  • I feel sorry for the people who hate the USA but love Lee Greenwood. #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2009-10-03

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  • I've asked my lovely wifera to speak to me in the classic "special ed student" voice whenever she's telling me what to do in the future. #
  • If you hate getting off of your couch as much as I do, download 'Contra: ReBirth' for the Wii. #
  • RT @nsup @Anundson hey gang @ChadRiden joins me on WRVU 91.1 FM 8am-9am. Get up stand up yo!!!! #
  • Just saw Barbara Streisand on HLN talking about coming out of retirement. One of my oldest jokes #
  • Sumter, SC! Tmrow I'll be on WDXY 1240AM 8:30ish am & Friday night headlining at the Sumter Opera House 8:30p -rally all slacker smartasses! #
  • Planning for an upcoming camping trip, my lovely wifera requested I buy an electric blanket in case it gets cold. #
  • In completely unrelated news, my lovely wifera hates and wishes I would shut my "stupid word hole." #
  • Mocking a commercial on tv, I said, "I am Optimus Prime." Callia said, "No, you are Laziness Prime." Touche, my young Padawan. #
  • Tonights show'll be WEIRD RT @comedynews Letterman says he was victim of $2-million extortion attempt in sex case http://tinyurl.com/ydeobbm #
  • Only David Letterman could a) have something like this happen to him b) take a story like this and make it get constant laughs on his show. #
  • Conan needs to fall and bust something else if he wants to get back in the news again. #
  • Letterman's personal life is none of our Gat Dern business but watch em take a VERY personal & intimate & embarrassing story & made it FUNNY #
  • @TVBarn I agree with @damianholbrook, I've gotten an anti-Dave vibe from you for a while now. Re-read 'Late night TV still a boys' club..' in reply to TVBarn #
  • Why is it that if you make one wrong move with a clock radio, your whole day is ruined? #
  • Ok, I pushed the wrong button. Why do I have to unplug it to get it to STF up? #
  • headlining the Opera House in Sumter, SC tonight at 8:30. Tell your friends, 'cause I don't have any here: http://ping.fm/nmLV4 #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2009-09-26

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  • BEHOLD! Good tidings of great joy! Jesus Appears In My Spaghetti – http://ping.fm/LvLvv #
  • I love my wifera. She's beautiful, she's wonderful, she's perfect. L O V E M Y W I F E R A. Suck it, everybody else. #
  • The frigging President of the United States is on Letterman. If you had told me in 1983 that would happen someday I would have stared at you #
  • No idea what Gossip Girl is, but "fagtards" sounds appropriate. @redban dudes I know are "Gossip Girl" watchers… you sirs, are fagtards! #
  • Dave Letterman is telling a story about being shitfaced! If you don't tivo his show every night, you, sir, are a GAT DERN FOOL. #
  • NOTE: I currently have a kegerator full of Belgian Saison. I also have both a child and cunty neighbors. I share beer with everybody else. #
  • My wifera saw my "cunty neighbors" comment and wanted to know what happened. No big incident.. it's just fun to say. There r good ones, too. #
  • Maggie Serota just coined the (word? phrase?) "ChuckleFuckers" in this interview with Greg Giraldo http://tinyurl.com/mfw9mr via @comedynews #
  • re: "ChuckleFuckers" – I vote for full adoption of this to our comedy nomenclature. http://tinyurl.com/mfw9mr #chucklefuckers #
  • Introducing Granny McSassy-Pants: http://ping.fm/heR1D #
  • TN rastas – I'll be in in Nashville @ Zanies Thursday night & @ Music City Bar & Grill Friday night & @ the Hi-Tone in Memphis Sunday. #
  • awesome. RT @comedynews Hooray! You know what to do, errbody: RT @peeweeherman I'm back! Follow Pee-wee! #peewee #
  • RN's have THE BEST stories. Plus, their stories are all *illegal*. Just by talking about work, they're violating HIPAA laws.. extra naughty! #
  • I started this morning off by killing a mouse by punching it. The cat caught it & let it loose & I just reacted. #
  • I don't know if you've ever punched a mouse to death before, but it makes you think about the possibility of rage issues. #
  • Behind me, Callia said, "I love ALL creatures great and small and I think we should just let it go." So I tossed the corpse into the woods. #
  • Heartwarming stories like "punching a mouse to death" and more! Tonight, 7:30pm at Zanies Nashville! $12. http://ping.fm/tkfLh #
  • RT @zaniesnashville 4 FREE tix @ 7:30PM call 615-269-0221-say twitter & RT this deal- BEST OF NASHVILLE: TC COPE, CHAD RIDEN & LAHNA TURNER #
  • RT @nsup The I Have No Friends Comedy Contest – 9pm @ Music City Bar & Grill; 2416 Music Valley Dr. http://links.comedynews.org/kx4a #
  • I'm supposed to bring one of the dogs to Callia's school this afternoon. The chances of this being a complete disaster is very, very high. #

k

I heard some talk..

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Friday morning I was off work and stayed home with Callia and Laura. Laura had worked the over night shift Thursday night and was just getting ready to go to bed when Callia wanted to go upstairs and get some breakfast. I took her up there and fired up a pot of coffee and tried to figure out what to fix for her. She grabbed an apple out of the bowl on the table and started eating that. “Sweet!” I thought, “that solves that problem.”

Mr. Mom put some dishes away and was straightening up the kitchen / dining room. When the coffee was ready I fixed myself a cup and had the tv on. Laura came upstairs after a few minutes and asked Callia if she had eaten breakfast. Callia said, “No. I heard some talk about breakfast.. but I didn’t get any breakfast.”

Is there any doubt who she takes after? Callia is a three foot tall female version of me. I fear the future.