Tag Archives: jesus

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2011-05-28

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  • when laying the groundwork for your silly cult.. you can say, “the end is near!” ..but if you set a specific date, you’re limiting yourself. #
  • you know, we could achieve nearly the same effect if everybody who *believed* they’d be raptured today would just kill themselves. #
  • cable tv networks are really missing a great opportunity if they don’t play Kirk Cameron’s “Left Behind” movie tomorrow. #

  • Actually the rapture DID happen but it turns out ALL of the religions are so far off-base that NOBODY is worthy, “chosen” or special. Sorry. #

  • Happy Birthday to my favorite person ever, @CalliaRiden http://t.co/ZfVZ2vl #
  • Encourage Tennessee to “Say Gay” http://t.co/YOwfgpF via @change :: please RT, @SarahKSilverman, @jlalondecomedy, everybody #
  • TONIGHT! @Renardcomedy Hirsch @BradBradBrad Edwards & @ChadRiden at @LimelightTN (FREE admission if you mention twitter) http://j.mp/kZRA0s #
  • .@NC5 has pre-empted @Late_Show for severe weather coverage. Nothing personal, but I’d rather die in a tornado than listen to local wx guys. #
  • RT @NC5 NC5_HeatherGraf live in downtown Nashville. Says lots of lightning is lighting up the sky. // very insightful. more updates please! in reply to NC5 #
  • oh look! it’s the storm graphically represented in 3D! awesome! pointless! useless! but awesome! #

  • Truly the most compelling way to spread the word about Jesus must be to write his name in the dirt on the back of a 18 wheeler with a finger #

  • My neighbor and I just got our tea leaves read by a random dude in Kroger who claimed to be a prophet of God & everything he said was true. #
  • RT @andyandyfleming This bar is full of people who look like @chadriden. Surely this is not the next style?//WELCOME TO THE FUTURE, BITCHES! in reply to andyandyfleming #
  • @BenBergman how do you read someones tea leaves?//with an ethereal decoder ring found in a burlap sack of green tea at the Asian supermarket in reply to BenBergman #
  • @BenBergman how do you read someones tea leaves?// with his third eye? I dunno. He just walked up and machine-gunned us with insightfulness. in reply to BenBergman #
  • @andyandyfleming I imagine it being like stumbling into a cornfield of clones of The Sheriff on Squidbillies but it’s Chad Ridens in a bar. in reply to andyandyfleming #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2011-05-07

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  • The rain in Milwaukee smells like a wet hamster. A drunk, wet hamster. #
  • Dan Whitehurst and I just swerved to miss a black bear in the road! about 30 minutes south of Harris, MI. #
  • RT @KatrinaLColeman:”Surely you stopped and gave @bradbradbrad a ride.” // nope! He was 780 miles out of our way. Sorry Capital B. in reply to KatrinaLColeman #
  • RT @KatrinaLColeman:”Surely you stopped and gave @bradbradbrad a ride.” // OH! You were referring to how Brad is a fat, hairy gay man. #
  • I think this AM radio host just round-about accused @BarackObama of being on “Colored People Time.” #
  • Time to chime in, Everybody. #
  • Every soldier on that Bin Laden mission is an instant hero. Book deals, movies, free BJs for life – for every one of em. #

  • Lee Greenwood’s rotary landline phone is ringing off the hook. #

  • Water cooler office funny guys around the world are cracking their knuckles. My mom is FWD’ing Jesus-themed chainletters as fast as she can. #
  • Thousands of @cafePress shop owners are furiously Photoshopping infinite variations of the same three Osama Bin Laden jokes. #
  • At every truck stop I’ve been in today, I’ve been dying to scream out, “Osama Yo Momma!” just so I could count the high fives. #
  • mentally making lemonade #
  • I’m doing a short guest set on this: //RT @BillyWayneDavis Tonight @gobananascomedy in Cincinnati Kooks w @rysing @tomsimmonscomedy and me in reply to BillyWayneDavis #
  • RT @superpixels “You fuckers bragging about inbox zero?..” // I’m more productive than all of you with my inbox 16,825. http://t.co/7Un8Xd0 in reply to superpixels #
  • Please don’t compliment me when I’m drunk – I’ll give you my “how dare you like me!” speech. #
  • I really wish Sober Chad had no knowledge of Drunk Chad and vice versa. Each me only uses that info to hurt the other. #

  • Travel tip: in a pinch, toenail clippers are a handy & terrible way to trim your mustache. #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2011-04-30

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  • so God sends Jesus.. we kill him.. then we celebrate his brutal murder. What if we DIDN’T kill him, and instead acted like he told us to? #

  • hey @BillyWayneDavis @PunchlineMag thinks you’re adorable: http://j.mp/fAEVHb B-dub and Punchline sittin’ in a tree.. K-I-S-S-I-N-G! #
  • If someone has a shopping cart with 20-something cartons of soy milk, they’re bat shit, right? There can’t be a real reason for that. #
  • RT @birq Maybe they’re making soy meth. // If that were true, soy milk would be the lamest way to catch a buzz, ever. in reply to birq #
  • Even the awesomest massage chairs are still pretty terrible. Is a little league team jabbing me with baseball bats? No, “Full back refresh.” #
  • The lady doing my pedicure: “I feel like you King Kong! You SO BIG, I so small!” Keep talkin’ lady. #
  • RT @nprnews Is The Dalai Lama Playing A Dangerous Game? n.pr/gsqgzQ // Russian roulette? in reply to nprnews #
  • Headed Northbound on I-65 north of louisville round about the 29 mile marker, lookin fer that Smokey Bear report. Come on back, Southbound. #
  • RT @nprnews A Business That Helps Prostitutes Bloom In Recovery n.pr/dV03ne //the Magdalene program in Nashville! Awesome ladies, every one. in reply to nprnews #
  • RT @Anundson all clear to Derby city. Don’t be a dirty dan // 10-4 good buddy, I’m puttin’ the hammer down! in reply to Anundson #
  • I’m the youngest person in this casino by at least 450 years. #
  • I want to see @BarackObama‘s Social Security card. Why won’t he show it to us? What is he afraid of revealing? #
  • I’m faxing this to @JayLeno:”They made an Atlas Shrugged movie. Didja see those box office numbers? turns out, AMERICA SHRUGGED. (cue:music) #

  • the dumbest voices are always the loudest #

  • Pssst! This guy is a dildo. Pass it on. (Kewadin Casino, St. Ignace, MI.) http://t.co/l3J9Umm #
  • Just ripped a honey packet open like a meth’ed-up Winnie the Pooh. #honeypocalypse2011 #
  • I can’t take England / the British seriously precisely because of THIS faeiry tale horseshit that they refuse to just STOP doing. #rw2011 #
  • Oh, you’re “royalty”? Go fuck yourself. #rw2011 #
  • There is a woman here singing karaoke who sounds EXACTLY like Elvis in his prime. I suspect it’s really Bob Zmuda in drag. Don’t know. #
  • Fuck your pointless, powerless “royals” and their wedding. When England starts offing these bitches like Henry VIII’s wives, televise that. #
  • I smile every time @Twitter‘s sidebar lists accounts “Similar to you” & they ARE ME: @ComedyNews @ComedyPodcast @nsup @DruncleSam @i_idiots #
  • Going to a “beer tasting” in Milwaukee. I will attempt to document how much I end up “tasting” but my math gets bad quickly. #
  • Beer tasting tally update: a lot. #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2011-04-23

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  • I spent a few hours at @nashfilmfest filming stuff. I’ll be back this evening for the 9pm red carpet with a flame-throwing car. #NaFF2011 #
  • RT @DJ_Spinja “I’m really tempted to go see 13 Assassins!!!” // it does sound awesome.. 9:30 tonight- don’t miss it, suckas! #NaFF2011 in reply to DJ_Spinja #
  • She always promises the world, but delivers a trailer park. #
  • So Exxon, Bank of America & GE get HUGE tax breaks.. my take-away: I should totally start a multi-billion $ corporation http://bit.ly/eRC1GJ #
  • The churchy’s say no abortion.. but God gave you a loophole: for Passover, just “forget” to dump lamb’s blood on your door. Problem solved! #
  • Trying to read about Passover so I can mock it, but it’s so excruciating- like reading some baseball player’s detailed wacky superstitions. #

  • You’ve got the right to believe whatever you want, but *I* believe all religions are equally ridiculous. #

  • a question for @ComedyCentral & @TheComedyAwards: we know how to donate TO “The Comedy Fund” but how do we apply for assistance FROM it? #
  • a stand-up video from my shows opening for @DougStanhope – “Chad Riden – The Death Penalty: WWJD?” http://bit.ly/deathWWJD #
  • .@ComedyCentral I see info about donating, the EIF, MPTV Fund & Actors Fund, but not info about how comics qualify for and get assistance. #
  • 4:20 on 4/20! DERRRRRRRRP! #
  • Read: $$$!//RT @realjeffreyross I get to roast him hard every night in front of an angry mob.. RT @fastlou711 Why are u saving Sheen’s show? in reply to realjeffreyross #
  • Keep your loud music to yourself, please! Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and this beholder thinks your tunes suck ass. #
  • Booze.. WWJD? Jesus would turn water into wine and save the party. #
  • Skanky Whores.. WWJD? Befriend them and be best pals for life. Right, Mary Magdalene? #
  • .@SarahKSilverman Here’s Stacey Campfield’s blog post about it http://lastcar.blogspot.com/2011/04/dont-teach-gay-bill-passes-senate-ed.html in reply to SarahKSilverman #
  • .@SarahKSilverman the BIG questions is: what weird gay-sex scandal will eventually force Stacey Campfield to come out of the closet? in reply to SarahKSilverman #
  • .@SarahKSilverman little known fact: Stacey Campfield’s “don’t say gay” bill was originally called “ignore the gay and it will go away” #

  • The more often someone says “you know what I’m sayin” the less likely I am to know or care what they are saying. #

  • thanks to @Anundson @riley_fox @MattWardComedy @superpixels & @JohnUptonComedy for the #FF‘s! #FF you, too! #
  • saw a black guy at hobby lobby stocking shelves, rocking a Hitler mustache. So, that’s officially a thing you can do again. #
  • RT @McDonalds The incident in Baltimore is sad and reprehensible. // YOUR FOOD is sad and reprehensible. The Baltimore incident is tragic. in reply to McDonalds #
  • RT @DJ_Spinja Michael Jordan did it in a commercial. // AH! So that was the green light. I haven’t seen ads since I bought a @TiVo in reply to DJ_Spinja #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2010-12-25

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  • Any adult who wants or expects a Christmas gift from another adult is a lunatic. #
  • Judd Apatow sometimes ReTweet’s haters. I will now try to trick him.
  • @JuddApatow is an ass-faced clown twat! Grrr! Unprovoked anger-fueled irrational Internet Jihad! #
  • Judd Apatow did not fall for it. DAMMIT!
  • Thanks to @nsup @ZaniesNashville @JesseCase @BillyWayneDavis @BradBradBrad @seanparrott and everybody who participated in @IronComic tonight. #
  • RT @reggiewatts: interesting article about the IRS http://bit.ly/fLKct3 // careful.. THESE people are responsible for my bankruptcy. #
  • I won the first Golden Fresca of the 2010 Spanky’s Awards b/c NashvilleComedyChaos didn’t show up. http://twitpic.com/3iafsv#

  • I get an entirely unhealthy satisfaction from arguing with completely insane people.. but boy is it fun. #
  • building a giant magical tree house where everybody I’ve ever met can come and be best pals together forever. hope to see you there! #
  • Now taking applications for new casual acquaintances. must have fragile ego, deep-seated anger issues and lots of pride. #

  • Browsing the Useless Shit store at the mall, buying one of each thing here for everybody I’ve ever met because that was what Jesus wanted. #

  • The only thing more beautiful than a tree that has been topped is an asphalt parking lot four times bigger than would ever be necessary. #
  • I think buying your spouse expensive jewelry for Christmas is a good way to buy their loyalty for one more year while you continue to cheat. #
  • I wasn’t invited to lunch tomorrow, so much as told I was going to go by the “Happy Birthday Gary” @ComedyPodcast :: http://bit.ly/fLFnjD#
  • RT @Anundson Listening to old episodes of mangy dog radio hour whoop dee doo // WHOOP-DEE-DOO?!? http://mangydog.comedypodcast.com/in reply to Anundson#
  • RT @Anundson: you are always invited yo lunch // I don’t eat! I get most of my nutrition by cannibalizing the souls of local open mic’ers. in reply to Anundson#
  • @JerriBlank when will the painful, oozing blisters go away? in reply to JerriBlank#
  • Here’s my annual Holiday Times posting of the clip of me starring as Tiny Tim in George C. Scott’s A Christmas Carol: http://bit.ly/cmr-cmas#

  • Just told Callia that Baby Jesus will come down our chimney tonight and leave us eternal gifts of guilt and depression. #ruiningchristmas#

  • Callia woke us up at 4:50 am. Coffee and fireplace are fired up and presents are being ripped open. My vote that we sleep in late? Ignored. #
  • ..and Christmas is over. Thanks for sticking by as I painstakingly live tweetered every detail instead of being present in the moment. #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2009-09-26

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  • BEHOLD! Good tidings of great joy! Jesus Appears In My Spaghetti – http://ping.fm/LvLvv #
  • I love my wifera. She's beautiful, she's wonderful, she's perfect. L O V E M Y W I F E R A. Suck it, everybody else. #
  • The frigging President of the United States is on Letterman. If you had told me in 1983 that would happen someday I would have stared at you #
  • No idea what Gossip Girl is, but "fagtards" sounds appropriate. @redban dudes I know are "Gossip Girl" watchers… you sirs, are fagtards! #
  • Dave Letterman is telling a story about being shitfaced! If you don't tivo his show every night, you, sir, are a GAT DERN FOOL. #
  • NOTE: I currently have a kegerator full of Belgian Saison. I also have both a child and cunty neighbors. I share beer with everybody else. #
  • My wifera saw my "cunty neighbors" comment and wanted to know what happened. No big incident.. it's just fun to say. There r good ones, too. #
  • Maggie Serota just coined the (word? phrase?) "ChuckleFuckers" in this interview with Greg Giraldo http://tinyurl.com/mfw9mr via @comedynews #
  • re: "ChuckleFuckers" – I vote for full adoption of this to our comedy nomenclature. http://tinyurl.com/mfw9mr #chucklefuckers #
  • Introducing Granny McSassy-Pants: http://ping.fm/heR1D #
  • TN rastas – I'll be in in Nashville @ Zanies Thursday night & @ Music City Bar & Grill Friday night & @ the Hi-Tone in Memphis Sunday. #
  • awesome. RT @comedynews Hooray! You know what to do, errbody: RT @peeweeherman I'm back! Follow Pee-wee! #peewee #
  • RN's have THE BEST stories. Plus, their stories are all *illegal*. Just by talking about work, they're violating HIPAA laws.. extra naughty! #
  • I started this morning off by killing a mouse by punching it. The cat caught it & let it loose & I just reacted. #
  • I don't know if you've ever punched a mouse to death before, but it makes you think about the possibility of rage issues. #
  • Behind me, Callia said, "I love ALL creatures great and small and I think we should just let it go." So I tossed the corpse into the woods. #
  • Heartwarming stories like "punching a mouse to death" and more! Tonight, 7:30pm at Zanies Nashville! $12. http://ping.fm/tkfLh #
  • RT @zaniesnashville 4 FREE tix @ 7:30PM call 615-269-0221-say twitter & RT this deal- BEST OF NASHVILLE: TC COPE, CHAD RIDEN & LAHNA TURNER #
  • RT @nsup The I Have No Friends Comedy Contest – 9pm @ Music City Bar & Grill; 2416 Music Valley Dr. http://links.comedynews.org/kx4a #
  • I'm supposed to bring one of the dogs to Callia's school this afternoon. The chances of this being a complete disaster is very, very high. #

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