Bad Late Show Impressions
Wednesday, October 17, 2001
Show #1693
by Chad Riden
News From The International Idiots Home Office
Ethan Hawke; Judith Miller; and Quincy Jones.
PLUS: Dave’s Catalogs, and other stuff.
Have you ever had such a string of good fortune that you KNEW it was just a matter of time before the great yin-yang pendulum of luck swings the other way to slice and dice your life into neat finger-food-sized cubes? Well, sit back and enjoy your favorite lovely beverage as I recount the living hell which has been my Late Show viewing experience this evening.
The day started off looking good. Tuesday nights I perform my lame ass comedy at Zanies here in Nashville at 8 p.m. and then travel in a comedy caravan to The Cantina where we generally have a dozen or so local comedians perform at the open mic there. No cover, and 2-for-1 beers if you’re ever in town.
Those who give me money in exchange for my time during the day know this and allow me to come in “whenever” on Wednesdays. They know I’ll be out all night and are very nice to accommodate me. So I saunter in exactly at whenever on-the-dot and put in my time. Afterwards I went over to The Cantina for the daily Hungry Hour special – pasta and 2-for-1 beers. $5 for two beers and dinner, including tip. Not a bad day at all, so far..
I swing by the house and play with my little canine buddy, Guido, for a while. Then I trek over to Zanies to see Henry Cho perform for (without a doubt) the dumbest audience I’ve ever seen. It was an *amazingly* dim crowd.. they surprised me again and again with their stupidity and rude, jackass behavior.
I, being the responsible Guest Late Show Impressions Substitute Guy that I am, had set the vcr to tape Dave just in case I didn’t get home in time to do it myself. So when I got home and flipped the tv on at 10:45 (I’m in the Central Time Zone), I was horrified. Jay Leno was on my television.
Screaming bloody murder, I quickly flipped the er up a channel to Nashville’s CBS affiliate, “NewsChannel5″ WTVF-TV, “Your News & Information Leader.” I had left the cable box on NBC after watching Ed. I had nobody to blame but myself, which made it all that much worse. So I missed the first 10 minutes of the Show. I tuned in just in time to hear Mr. Letterman say “Omaha Steaks Roadkill Clearance Sale!” so that’s where we’ll officially begin. What you’ve been reading so far was the preamble, or “ramble” as some of you are no-doubt thinking.
I enjoy steaks *and* roadkill, so “Omaha Steaks Roadkill Clearance Sale” sounds pretty good to me. “Morley Safer’s Secret” featured some great Photoshop work. At least I hope those were doctored photos.. regardless, a fine job from the graphics kids. Unsung heros, those graphic artists of the world. In regards to the L.L. Bean catalog I have to say: wilderness sex is sex the way God intended. Well, at least let me say wilderness sex was a freebie.. the rest is all human invention, I guess.
We go into the first break 12:59 into the show with a beautiful skyline bumper shot that seemed too pretty to be real. Here in Nashville, the fine folks at “NewsChannel5″ WTVF-TV, “Your News & Information Leader” are apparently training a new overnight Master Control Operator again. They allowed the national spots to play, and maybe slipped in a few of their own.. then they were in black for 20 seconds, came out to a commercial for 4 seconds, went to the CBS feed of Late Show (which had Ethan Hawke seated and speaking about “a complicated character… now most of these big stars like.. Tom Hanks…” we only got to see 9 seconds of that, then it was back to the commercial for the “Share a Pair and Save” promotion at Shoe Carnival. Then Rivergate Toyota’s Ultimate Jackass Used Car Sales Guy (“The Auto Giant”), who is a giant dork, gave us his pitch for 15 seconds.. then back to the Late Show still in progress. I, of course, was screaming at my tv.
Ethan explains his conflicted character. He didn’t seem to have much to say about his daughter. I like Uma stories.. I find her very appealing. Ever since Pulp Fiction, I’ve been irresistibly attracted to coke heads overdosing on heroin they snorted. Boy, does that get me going. That baseball clip was pretty cool. Ya know, when I’m working.. I don’t care how much money they’re paying me, I’m not running full speed into a wall so I can flip and catch a ball. It’s not happening. I may be a loyal employee.. I’m definitely a “team player”.. but if that happened while I’m on the job, somebody gets a base and a fan catches the ball.
Judith Miller seems nice.. oh wait, what’s that? My tape runs out and begins rewinding. I laugh, “of course the tape ran out. What’s next, raining frogs and rivers of blood?” Bring it on. I’m ready for whatever the gods choose to throw at me. At this point, who cares?
I slide a new tape into the machine and resume recording. Yes, let’s preserve this moment forever.
Judith turns out to be a good booking decision, in my opinion. A pleasant lady, knowledgeable, nice posture, and she was informative and interesting. We should be “concerned, vigilant, but not panicked.”
Wow, I really like that bumper shot of the World’s Fair thingie. It’s composed beautifully with the reflection on the water in the background, the fountains in the foreground, and some silhouetted trees in the lower left and right corners. The photographer used his “star” filter to get the X effect with the lights in the shot. Very nice.
The audience crane shot act always brings out the worst in people. 3/4 of the way back in the section right in front of the monologue area of the stage, on the aisle, is a man who (first of all) is wearing a US flag as a shirt. This, to me, screams “dork who is desperate to get on tv.” Along with the normal hands over the head frantic waving, he jumps up and down twice. Sit down, spanky. Go do that kinda crap behind your local newscasters’ live shots. The more serious the story the better.. they love that. Even the people in the balcony behave themselves.
Q. Why didn’t Dave introduce Quincy Jones simply as “Q”? It’s right there on the cover of his book and 4-cd boxed set. Apparently that’s what the guy likes to be known as. I understand that.. “Q” does sound cooler than “Quincy.” Ok, now’s the time when I show off just how little I know about real music:
CHAD SHOWS OFF JUST HOW LITTLE HE KNOWS ABOUT REAL MUSIC
Quincy does a little dance while his orchestra plays that cool song from “Austin Powers.” What I really want to know (besides the specifics about that piece of music) is what is that instrument that makes the cool noise when that one guy has his fist up it? And I don’t want to hear any crap about anyone’s honeymoon, either.
THIS WAS CHAD SHOWS OFF JUST HOW LITTLE HE KNOWS ABOUT REAL MUSIC
“Pants make the man.” What about a guy who happens to work at a pants sewing facility? Wouldn’t the man make the pants in that instance? Probably not. There’s a sewing sweatshop near my old high school in Athens, Tennessee.. I think it mainly employed women to work on the floor. Not many men want to say they sew for a living. All I remember about my visit to that plant is the stories about people not paying attention when operating the giant industrial sewing machines. Not good mental images, let me assure you. They didn’t exactly get us excited about possible employment opportunities there.
CONVERSATION AND DISCUSSION SPARKED FROM THE WAHOO GAZETTE
Mike axes: “We don’t need ‘National Boss Day.’ How about ‘Minimum Wage Day’?”
I wholeheartedly agree. Bosses be damned, let’s do something for the poor, hungry people struggling to make ends meet – living paycheck to paycheck. I’m doing well for myself right now and can’t complain.. but my first job in broadcast television was with WKXT-TV. In early to mid 1996, I was the new guy.. doing the dirty work for $5.25 an hour. My boss, Production Manager David Williams, came up to me one day and said, “Hey, congratulations!” “Huh?” “You get a raise today!” “Really! Wow, thanks!” I was excited.. I was just a poor student at UT, working 3 jobs and only able to afford Raman noodles and beer. Later during the newscast, the anchor reads that Congress has raised minimum wage by a quarter. Congratulations to you, Mr. Williams: you were the biggest dickhead I’ve ever worked for.
THIS WAS CONVERSATION AND DISCUSSION SPARKED FROM THE WAHOO GAZETTE
The parts of the show that “NewsChannel5″ WTVF-TV, “Your News & Information Leader” chose to allow me to view tonight were good. It’s a shame that the MCO this evening didn’t care enough about the on-air product to actually run the board during the show. I’m just glad he got all his smoke breaks in… otherwise I never would have had the chance to see that same local commercial break that extra time. God bless you “NewsChannel5″ WTVF-TV, “Your News & Information Leader” and God bless The United States Of America!
The shame I have to live with is this: someday I’ll think to myself, “Hey there Chaddy, why don’t you throw in a tape of some Late Shows from the October 2001 era. That was a good time. Let’s check it out.” Then I’ll watch a few shows.. and as the Tuesday, October 16 show comes to a close I’ll think, “Hey, chin up. Another show will immediately follow this one!” And I’ll anticipate the hilarious comedy. Then I’ll be horrified by the Tonight show open. That’s the worst part about all this: my Letterman Library has been infected with an unholy presence, and it will haunt me for years to come. Cruel fate.
