Tag Archives: hitler

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2011-04-23

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  • I spent a few hours at @nashfilmfest filming stuff. I’ll be back this evening for the 9pm red carpet with a flame-throwing car. #NaFF2011 #
  • RT @DJ_Spinja “I’m really tempted to go see 13 Assassins!!!” // it does sound awesome.. 9:30 tonight- don’t miss it, suckas! #NaFF2011 in reply to DJ_Spinja #
  • She always promises the world, but delivers a trailer park. #
  • So Exxon, Bank of America & GE get HUGE tax breaks.. my take-away: I should totally start a multi-billion $ corporation http://bit.ly/eRC1GJ #
  • The churchy’s say no abortion.. but God gave you a loophole: for Passover, just “forget” to dump lamb’s blood on your door. Problem solved! #
  • Trying to read about Passover so I can mock it, but it’s so excruciating- like reading some baseball player’s detailed wacky superstitions. #

  • You’ve got the right to believe whatever you want, but *I* believe all religions are equally ridiculous. #

  • a question for @ComedyCentral & @TheComedyAwards: we know how to donate TO “The Comedy Fund” but how do we apply for assistance FROM it? #
  • a stand-up video from my shows opening for @DougStanhope – “Chad Riden – The Death Penalty: WWJD?” http://bit.ly/deathWWJD #
  • .@ComedyCentral I see info about donating, the EIF, MPTV Fund & Actors Fund, but not info about how comics qualify for and get assistance. #
  • 4:20 on 4/20! DERRRRRRRRP! #
  • Read: $$$!//RT @realjeffreyross I get to roast him hard every night in front of an angry mob.. RT @fastlou711 Why are u saving Sheen’s show? in reply to realjeffreyross #
  • Keep your loud music to yourself, please! Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and this beholder thinks your tunes suck ass. #
  • Booze.. WWJD? Jesus would turn water into wine and save the party. #
  • Skanky Whores.. WWJD? Befriend them and be best pals for life. Right, Mary Magdalene? #
  • .@SarahKSilverman Here’s Stacey Campfield’s blog post about it http://lastcar.blogspot.com/2011/04/dont-teach-gay-bill-passes-senate-ed.html in reply to SarahKSilverman #
  • .@SarahKSilverman the BIG questions is: what weird gay-sex scandal will eventually force Stacey Campfield to come out of the closet? in reply to SarahKSilverman #
  • .@SarahKSilverman little known fact: Stacey Campfield’s “don’t say gay” bill was originally called “ignore the gay and it will go away” #

  • The more often someone says “you know what I’m sayin” the less likely I am to know or care what they are saying. #

  • thanks to @Anundson @riley_fox @MattWardComedy @superpixels & @JohnUptonComedy for the #FF‘s! #FF you, too! #
  • saw a black guy at hobby lobby stocking shelves, rocking a Hitler mustache. So, that’s officially a thing you can do again. #
  • RT @McDonalds The incident in Baltimore is sad and reprehensible. // YOUR FOOD is sad and reprehensible. The Baltimore incident is tragic. in reply to McDonalds #
  • RT @DJ_Spinja Michael Jordan did it in a commercial. // AH! So that was the green light. I haven’t seen ads since I bought a @TiVo in reply to DJ_Spinja #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2010-07-10

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  • all my best stories are either pending court cases.. or can’t be told until the statute of limitations runs out.. or are totally forgotten. #
  • Having kids in your house is like having an infestation of rats. They chew up your stuff, build little nests, are impossible to get rid of. #
  • ..unless you set up traps and use rat poison. That usually does the trick. #
  • Jogging is better on the Wii Fit.. ’cause in real life you never run past Hitler, Chuck Norris, Darth Vader, Willie Nelson and Snoop Dogg. #
  • apparently all you have to do is mention Chuck Norris and @ChuckNorriz will follow you. I “auto-follow” porn stars and SEO/marketing douches #
  • I have to watch ‘Louis’ on F/X all by myself because Laura says “it hits too close to home” for her to enjoy it. Thanks @louisck #
  • @JesseIsTerrific nope.. she decided that after seeing the pilot episode. So you see, I have to watch ‘Louis’ on F/X all by myself… #
  • Sadly, David Letterman’s @Late_Show is in reruns this week. Here’s my Top 10 Signs You’re Obsessed With The Late Show: #
  • 10. Your strict “no-talking during the show” policy includes commercial breaks and a 5-minute post show “cool down.” @Late_Show #
  • 9. During lovemaking, you scream “Who Asked For It?” @Late_Show #
  • 8. Bill DeLace recognizes your face and name. / You know who Bill DeLace is. (tie) @Late_Show #
  • 7. You reenact the show every morning with homemade Paul and Dave dolls. @Late_Show #
  • 6. You’re still holding a candle-light vigil for the return of Pea Boy. @Late_Show #
  • 5. Your apartment is known as “The Dave Cave,” but your name isn’t Dave. @Late_Show #
  • 4. Constantly on alt.fan.letterman, arguing the historical significance of Peggy The Foul Mouthed Chambermaid. @Late_Show #
  • 3. The centerpiece of your shrine for Chris Elliott is a giant jar containing Chris Elliott. @Late_Show #
  • 2. All you ever wear is double-breasted suits and your Larry “Bud” Melman pajamas. @Late_Show #
  • 1. After all these years, you’re still searching for Dave’s erotic blog. @Late_Show #
  • Callia’s first concert: “Weird” Al Yankovic. Awesome! (@ Tennessee Theatre w/ @supercatmatt) http://4sq.com/6cKjA2 #
  • I’m still waiting for the very first time any athlete effects my life in any real way whatsoever [rolling eyes, making jerk off hand motion] #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2010-06-26

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  • RT @reggiewatts A soul patch is as if Hitler’s mustache moved downstairs. // i call it “the inverted Hitler” #
  • I’m busy all day today with the post-Father’s Day wrap-up paperwork. I have to make sure everyone gets proper credit for their efforts. #
  • At Home Depot playing “Long Hair Dude? Or Flat Chested Hippie Chick?” (@ Home Depot) http://4sq.com/cd6Nnh #
  • RT @JesseIsTerrific Too hot to grill. That’s just wrong. // Nonsense! I battled the elements without fear and the steaks were delicious. #
  • Gen. Stanley McChrystal drinks Bud Light Lime. The terrorists have already won. http://ping.fm/07or1 #
  • Why line up for iPhones like cattle when you will be able to walk into the store and buy one tonight or tomorrow with no wait? #
  • RT @TheComedyStore: Leno has Lower ratings Than Conan Did – Well done, NBC! http://tumblr.com/xb2c3rirf // suck it, Leno! #
  • Knoxville, I’ve missed your skank ass. See you again in September. #