Tag Archives: guido

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2011-06-18

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  • Freedom Of Speech “..just watch what you say.” ♫ http://blip.fm/~15awis #
  • “..if I gotta play by your rules, I’m being phony.” ♫ http://blip.fm/~15awn5 #
  • @buzzTouchApp is awesomeness! You can create iPhone / Android apps, even if you’re an idiot! #

  • a LOT of vintage porn has WAYYYYY more rape scenarios than seems appropriate or necessary.. or, so I’m told. #

  • Travel like a king;
    Listen to the inner voice;
    A higher wisdom is at work for you; #
  • Conquering the stumbling blocks come easier;
    When the conqueror is in tune with the infinite; #
  • Every ending is a new beginning;
    Life is an endless unfoldment;
    Change your mind, and you change your relation to time; #
  • You can find the answer;
    The solution lies within the problem;
    The answer is in every question;
    Dig it? #
  • An attitude is all you need to rise and walk away;
    Inspire yourself;
    Your life is yours;
    It fits you like your skin; #
  • The oak sleeps in the acorn;
    The giant sequoia tree sleeps in its tiny seed;
    The bird waits in the egg;
    God waits for his unfoldment in man #
  • Fly on, children;
    Play on. #
  • You gravitate to that which you secretly love most;
    You meet in life the exact reproduction of your own thoughts; #
  • There is no chance, coincidence or accident;
    In a world ruled by law and divine order; #
  • You rise as high as your dominant aspiration;
    You descend to the level of your lowest concept of your self; #
  • Free your mind and your ass will follow #
  • The infinite intelligence within you knows the answers;
    Its nature is to respond to your thoughts; #
  • Be careful of the thought-seeds you plant in the garden of your mind;
    For seeds grow after their kind; #
  • Play on, children. #
  • Every thought felt as true;
    Or allowed to be accepted as true by your conscious mind;
    Take roots in your subconscious; #
  • Blossoms sooner or later into an act;
    And bears its own fruit; #
  • Good thoughts bring forth good fruit;
    Bullshit thoughts rot your meat;
    Think right, and you can fly. #
  • The kingdom of heaven is within.
    Free your mind, and your ass will follow.Play on, children.
    Sing on, lady. #
  • “Good Thoughts, Bad Thoughts” (George Clinton, Eddie Hazel) #
  • I know it’s just a video game, but Cat Woman in Batman: Arkham City has a fantastic ass. #E3ONG4 #
  • I shot guns with Whitehurst yesterday. My ears are still ringing and I feel like I’m crawling with ticks. Spending today naked just in case. #
  • Tuesday in Nashville! the @NSup Showcase at @ZaniesNashville featuring myself and comics hand-picked by me b/c they’re funny and stuff. $5! #
  • .@NC5 interviewed me about the Tracy Morgan controversy for tonight’s 6pm news. Had I known Police Academy 3 was on CC I wouldn’t have gone. #
  • thanks @NC5 and @NC5_AmandaHara for making me look so darn handsome on the tv tonight. See you tomorrow at 7 for “OpenLine” on NC5+ #
  • The Tracy Morgan controversy is NOT about Tracy.it’s 100% about TN HB 600 / SB 632 http://t.co/8iOZ59K & “Don’t Say Gay” http://t.co/aRBatMb #
  • Both TN HB 600 / SB 632 & Stacy Campfield’s ridiculous “Don’t Say Gay” legislation are terrible but GLAAD is using Tracy Morgan as a pawn. #
  • LGBT rights / equality is important & TN is a hotbed right now.. but by demonizing Tracy Morgan, the new victim has become free speech. #
  • Comedians – and all artists of any medium – must be able to communicate whatever they want, however they see fit. #
  • As soon as one subject/word/idea is “off limits” then it’s ALL taboo. Tracy’s words were in the context of a show, NOT a political statement #
  • Tracy’s act was paraphrased second-hand in text by someone who was offended by a performer who has said similar things many times before. #
  • Yes, it was “violent imagery” and it would be “disturbing” IF you thought he would act out literal interpretations of his ACT in REAL LIFE. #
  • Sometimes I say the exact opposite of what I mean and exaggerate view points I totally DISAGREE with, but sarcasm doesn’t translate to text. #
  • Don’t take the literal meaning of the text of the words comedians say in their ACTS and use that to try to judge their REAL WORLD opinions. #
  • Johnny Cash did not kill a guy in Reno. Steven Wright didn’t have a pony. Tracy Morgan wouldn’t stab his kid in the neck. Use your brain. #
  • If special interest groups who exist ONLY to be offended by things are allowed to dictate what artists can say.. Freedom of Speech is dead. #
  • @emilyvolman @jenhen @StevenWright‘s “I Have A Pony” is a MUST OWN: http://t.co/bepR37W #
  • I’ll be on @NC5‘s “Open Line” show tonight from 7-8pm on NC5+ discussing the Tracy Morgan controversy. You can call in: 615-737-7587 #
  • RT @Anundson I want to apologize for @ChadRiden for saying gaydar on openline. // mark, you’re the best. Your call was hilarious. Thanks! in reply to Anundson #
  • Thanks for putting up with my crap, @NC5 – I think it was a pretty good show. I appreciate the opportunity to talk about things and stuff. #
  • RT @Anundson @ChadRiden great job buddy // Thanks. I still have no idea what I have to do to my tv to find @NC5+ – is it magically hidden? in reply to Anundson #
  • I think @NC5+ will replay the Open Line show at 6am & 11am and probably more times, who knows. See if I get any funnier each time it plays. #
  • Instead of giving my dog Guido a haircut I’m thinking about giving him nappy, knotty dreads.. or maybe corn rows. Someone braid my dog 4 me? #

  • Just got a “runner’s high” for the first time in 16+ years. Not so impressive once you’ve had ‘shrooms. #

  • Chuck Norris doesn’t wanna make @BrianBatesComic angry. #
  • Chuck Norris is scared to look in the mirror and say @BrianBatesComic 5 times. #
  • Casinos are arcades for elderly people who like unimaginative games with terrible graphics, primitive controls and repetitive gameplay. #

walking the dogs

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I should have typed this up two weeks ago.. then again, I should have renewed my driver’s license in April. It’s all about priorities, people. I’m trying to get mine in order.

Yesterday, I mentioned that Callia and I walk Guido every morning. A couple weeks ago, Callia was rushing to get her socks and shoes on in time to go race me to the park bench. Guido and I went on out to put some letters in the mailbox. Once Callia was ready, the door burst open and out she ran, yelling at us to wait for her. Behind her, she was dragging her little electronic puppy on a leash – one of those things with two buttons: bark and walk. It doesn’t walk very well and it sure doesn’t race at all. We walked up the street together, me holding Guido’s leash, Callia dragging her toy puppy behind her. She wasn’t holding the ‘walk’ button, but it didn’t matter cause he was on his side and spinning around.

It was really cute, and I wish I had a picture of us walking our dogs together.. but my camera’s broken and I think we’re years away from cyborg technology being affordable to the common man.. so that’s not an option yet.

put the leaves back

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Almost every morning, Callia and I walk Guido down the block to the park bench and back. Well, I walk. Guido lunges forward as if he’s on some weird game show on Japanese Nickelodian where his life depends upon peeing on as many objects as possible. Callia “races” us to the bench.. and she does run fast. Half the time, I’ve got Guido’s leash in one hand and my first coffee of the day in the other, so I kind of meander along, hoping not to trip and start my day off face down on the concrete and/or in dog poo.

This morning, Callia was talking about how pretty the leaves were and said, “the leaves keep falling out of the trees.” All-Knowing-Daddy offered his deep insight, “Maybe that’s why they call it Fall.” Callia looked concerned, and said, “we need to put the leaves back up in the trees!”

Birthday Camping

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We went camping over the weekend of Callia’s birthday and it was so much fun. She and I got down there about 5pm on a Friday, staked out a campsite and started setting up. She ate some snacks and made multiple trips over to the nearby playground, but really got into it once the tent was up. She ordered me to take off my shoes and come play inside with her. We had a blast.

When it got dark she said, “ok, let’s go inside” and I told her we were sleeping under the stars in the tent. She said, “I can’t sleep HERE!” as if it was a ridiculous notion. There was a group of old people square-dancing under this covered area we could see from our tent window.. Callia watched them for a while. She loves to dance, so “we” decided we’d go over there and join in. As soon as we got our shoes on, we heard them say, “all right! That’s it for the night. Thanks everybody, we’ll see you tomorrow for breakfast.” So, once again my timing was perfect.

About 40 minutes after we laid down and she went to sleep, Laura arrived with my brother Kirk and his wife. They’d driven from Knoxville after getting off work, so Laura met up with them at the house and led them in since it was going to be dark. By then, most of the campers in our area were sleeping so we all just crashed out.

The next day we had a little party for Callia and a bunch of relatives came out and grilled burgers with us. Grandma Sara and Laura’s Paw, Laura’s sister Jessica and her husband Duncan and there were a few more from her side of the family. Kirk and Erin were already there and Grandma Perry and “Crazy Old Man Riden” (or “Papaw” as Callia calls him) drove from Johnson City where they’d attended Ashley Edmonds’ high school graduation. Laura had gotten Callia a Dora the Explorer cake & the fam pulled thru with tons of presents. I got Callia the same thing I get her every year: a bottle of Jack Daniels and a lottery ticket.

That night, my parents had rented one of the nearby cabins, but hung out in our campsite with us and Laura’s sister and her husband after everybody else left. There’s something about sneaking around with booze in a state park that makes me feel like a kid again. I dunno.. It’s just naughty. (owww! Wild man.. I’m outta control!)

Sunday morning we ate breakfast and broke camp. All in all, we only had three or four ticks.. Guido didn’t bite anybody.. Laura didn’t kill me in my sleep.. And Callia seemed to have a pretty good time, so I count it as a win.

Mud, Blood, and Dog Crap

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Summer is in full swing, and that means people are wearing less clothing than they really should be. If you’re like most people, you’re out at the pool scopin’ out some flesh. If you’re like me, you’re sitting in front of your computer recalling a humiliating incident when you found yourself standing in your boxers covered in mud, blood, and dog crap. Go gather the kids around the monitor and let’s all relive the moment as if it had just happened…

In the early summer of 2000, I was living in a ground-level apartment in west Knoxville. The living room had a sliding glass door that opened up to a lovely wooded buffer between my crappy apartment and a deadly road. Attached to a post on my porch was a 20 foot dog leash. Whenever my best friend, Guido, wanted to go outside I would put him on the leash and return to my studies. By studies, of course, I mean watching comedy and screwing around on the computer while drinking myself into oblivion.

I was working second shift at the time, so I didn’t have to wake up until mid-afternoon.. this lent itself to many nights of drunken debauchery. I woke one morning after such a bout with fate to find Guido on my chest, licking my face. This is Dog Talk for “let me outside.” Come to think of it, it’s also Dog Talk for “I’m hungry,” “let’s play,” and “Ahh, yes. I just wanted to drag my nuts across your body.” Once again, I’ve digressed.

Stumbling out of bed, I put Guido out on his special “neglect your dog” leash, and then went right back to bed. Within a few seconds I was fast asleep and worry free. I slept about 10 minutes before being woken up by the unmistakable sounds of a vicious dog fight.

Leaping to my feet and running into the living room, I had no time to put on clothes or my glasses. I got around the corner just in time to see a giant bulldog chomp down his jaws around Guido’s neck. I ran right outside and started punching the dog in the ribs. He wouldn’t let go. I lost my mind and did the dumbest thing possible: I grabbed his jaws with my hands and pulled his mouth open. Now, kids.. don’t ever do that. Guido dropped from his grip and was free.. and then the giant, mean dog clamped his jaws down on my hands. It was a bad idea from the very beginning, and now I knew why. Ouch.

I got my hands free and screamed like a drunk Mexican hooker. The big dog got a hold of Guido again. I kicked the dog a few times, but that didn’t help. I grabbed its neck and began strangling it. This did the trick. Guido got free from the dog’s grip, dropped to the ground, and attacked the dog’s rear legs.

A guy walking his dog had ran up to us and asked me if I needed help. I stepped out of myself for a moment and looked around. The hot chick upstairs was on her balcony, her jaw dropped to the ground. The couple next door were looking out their window and on the phone, probably calling the police. Both the guy walking his dog and his dog were staring at me like I was insane. I was wearing only my boxers.. covered in mud, blood, and dog crap.. holding a large dog off the ground strangling him to death.. while my dog bites his ass.

We ended up calling the dog catcher and had the dog hauled off. Unfortunately, I didn’t get to kill it, but I’m sure somebody else has since then.

I’ve tried to come up with a moral to this story, but I’m not sure there is one. I’m just glad I wasn’t sleeping in the nude.

The “Starvation” Diet

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Chad, after the Starvation Diet

Chad, after the Starvation Diet

Yesterday afternoon, about halfway into my daily naked run thru Centennial Park, somebody commented that it seemed that I had lost a little weight. Actually, the exact words were something along the lines of “Hey!! Naked jackass – nice butt!” I remember seeing that family there before, so I took it as a compliment to my marked improvement in body fat ratios. Regardless, the remark sparked a conversation among the group of people I was trying to keep up with at the time: How did I drop the weight?

In the past I’ve gone on that torturous, week long cabbage stew diet. I always drop about 10 – 15 pounds doing that, but the drawback is that after about day three or four without beef I go completely insane and risk hurting myself and the people around me. It’s not pretty.. when I finally return to lucidity, there’s always the embarrassing realization that I’ve made makeshift torches out of strips of the clothes I was wearing, my body is painted up in tribal designs with some indecipherable gooey substance, and I’m in the middle of an elementary school cafeteria begging for scraps of mystery loaf.

Not this time. No, I’ve been experimenting with a new diet that I think will revolutionize the industry as we know it. I can’t get into all the details here.. I’m in the talking stages of putting together an infomercial to sell my plan to the vast population of tubby lemmings begging for a quick and easy solution. I can tell you some of the basics, though.

The secret is to consume less calories than you burn every day. I have accomplished this by not “eating” any “food.” None whatsoever. I call it the “Starvation Diet.” I kind of stumbled upon this discovery unintentionally.. after I paid my rent (and a few of the more urgent bills close to defaulting) I found that I had no “money” for food.

Normally this wouldn’t be any big deal – I like to keep a well-stocked kitchen. However, my vast supplies have dwindled down to nothing. Gone are the days of steaks, chicken and shrimp on the grill every night. The champagne reserves are dry. The hookers have all left me. It’s just sad. Eventually I was digging around the back of my shelves.. eating up those canned foods that I’ve moved with me from house to house for years. Those random things that nobody really eats.. the kinda stuff you give away during canned food drives. It was no time at all before the Y2K stockpile was reduced to a faint memory of irrational, overzealous paranoia of the past. For about a week my only sustenance was from eating condiments.

Then I set up snares and traps all throughout my yard. I caught a few squirrels, a cat, my dog Guido, and a neighborhood kid. Don’t worry, I didn’t eat Guido.. I haven’t fattened him up enough yet. While living off the land I felt proud of the survival skills I learned in the Scouts.. (and ate well!) but it didn’t take long to hunt and trap the neighborhood dry.

So that was it. From that point on, all I consumed was water. Living off your body fat isn’t such a bad deal (assuming you have some). I look at the ber-skinny ber-models and think about how they would have died weeks ago. Lesson learned: having a spare tire is your buffer between poverty and death.