Tag Archives: david letterman

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2011-04-16

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  • .@WindowsPhone – from the geniuses who brought you the beloved, equally groundbreaking Zune! #
  • .@WindowsPhone -because Windows isn’t just a shitty os for your low budget, generic desktop computer, now it’s also for your 3rd rate phone! #
  • RT @wrongforum “@ChadRiden you get a bad phone?” // nope! got an iPhone 4, it’s fantastic.. but these Windows Phone ads are all over in reply to wrongforum #
  • .@WindowsPhone – FINALLY! @Office on your phone! Just like you’ve ALWAYS wanted.. right, soulless corporate whores? #
  • RT @McDonalds “families can make the choices that are best for their kids.” // which is exactly why we do not eat your grey rat-meat burgers in reply to McDonalds #
  • Every time I think about the Sex Pistols I am disappointed that it’s just music and a Sex Pistol isn’t actually a real thing. #
  • I’m envisioning a Glock-looking ray-gun weapon that makes people start doing it upon impact. #
  • Stop trying to placate me by talking about the Bop Gun. The Bop Gun frees your mind so your behind will follow. That’s not the same thing. #
  • all I know about pain medicine is: when they tell you not to drink booze with it, you’d be a fool not to drink booze with it. #
  • OH! a @Windows “app store”!? What a great idea. How do they come up with such GREAT ideas? Nobody else innovates like that. NOBODY! #
  • Happy birthday to David Letterman! How will @Late_Show celebrate? My vote: all night, toss stalkers off the roof of the Ed Sullivan Theater. #
  • Chattanooga, TN tonight @ All You Can Eat Comedy Buffet at 9pm. $5 http://on.fb.me/ez8lqp #
  • Earlier in the week I blamed a fart on the cat, but I think I owe him an apology. Sorry, “Ace Venture: Snuggles Detective.” #

  • I love how aluminum siding gives your expensive house that shitty trailer park look and feel. #

  • Here’s my first #NaFF2011 video.. http://bit.ly/g8GbOq :: I’ll be filming more stuff at @NashFilmFest later this week. #
  • #BoyICantWaitUntilWeAllCommunicateUsingNothingBut
    StupidlyLongHashTagsForEverythingWeEverSay
    ForEverAndEverAmen     #
  • in lieu of flowers, please send anything other than flowers. #
  • V! Thanks, man. Tell the kids I said hey. Then explain to the kids who I am.. but lie. //RT @AKASKA2:”Happy Birthday buddy!! Have a good 1!” in reply to AKASKA2 #
  • RT @tedalexandro “Predictable move, Tea Party has a black guy hosting.” // is he in a sea of Whitey? in reply to tedalexandro #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2010-07-17

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  • Callia and I are the only gringos at my Mexican neighbors’ birthday bbq and it’s pretty awesome. More Petrone? Si, por favor! #
  • RT @NateWaltBills: @comedynews love the site/twitter/i dunno what it is but its awesome // love you back. (“it” is @ChadRiden+php+free time) #
  • Consumer Fraud Alert! Wendy’s “boneless chicken wings” are nothing more than nuggets in wing sauce. #
  • federal appeals court tells the FCC to fuck off: http://ping.fm/sOkOi #
  • I’ll be at Spanky’s tonight, Brick House Bar wed, @zaniesnashville thurs, Buford, GA @varietytheater fri-sat: http://tinyurl.com/ChadRiden #
  • RT @DalaiLama: Despite philosophical differences, all major world religions have the same potential to create good human beings. // none? #
  • BP is doing “integrity tests” on the well?! How about integrity tests for BP? AmIrightpeople? #
  • Started my morning routine about 12 hours late. Better late than never? or screw it & try again tomorrow? #
  • just in case you missed Dave Letterman in a human sized hamster ball last night on @Late_Show: http://links.comedynews.org/zqha #
  • Ate a dick at Zanies tonight. Not on stage, off the menu.. I had deep fried dick-n-balls and fries. Spicy! Still, I prefer the French dip. #
  • RT @tndotcom It’s Friday and you want a great beer; which bar in town do you visit to get a tasty brew? // 3 crow, gold rush, flying saucer #
  • Come tonight and you’ll want to return tomorrow. (@ Buford Variety Theater) http://4sq.com/beCc2V #
  • I’ve seen a million faces! and I’ve kinda disappointed them all. Cause I’m not a cowboy.. In a ghetto sled I ride.. #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2010-07-10

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  • all my best stories are either pending court cases.. or can’t be told until the statute of limitations runs out.. or are totally forgotten. #
  • Having kids in your house is like having an infestation of rats. They chew up your stuff, build little nests, are impossible to get rid of. #
  • ..unless you set up traps and use rat poison. That usually does the trick. #
  • Jogging is better on the Wii Fit.. ’cause in real life you never run past Hitler, Chuck Norris, Darth Vader, Willie Nelson and Snoop Dogg. #
  • apparently all you have to do is mention Chuck Norris and @ChuckNorriz will follow you. I “auto-follow” porn stars and SEO/marketing douches #
  • I have to watch ‘Louis’ on F/X all by myself because Laura says “it hits too close to home” for her to enjoy it. Thanks @louisck #
  • @JesseIsTerrific nope.. she decided that after seeing the pilot episode. So you see, I have to watch ‘Louis’ on F/X all by myself… #
  • Sadly, David Letterman’s @Late_Show is in reruns this week. Here’s my Top 10 Signs You’re Obsessed With The Late Show: #
  • 10. Your strict “no-talking during the show” policy includes commercial breaks and a 5-minute post show “cool down.” @Late_Show #
  • 9. During lovemaking, you scream “Who Asked For It?” @Late_Show #
  • 8. Bill DeLace recognizes your face and name. / You know who Bill DeLace is. (tie) @Late_Show #
  • 7. You reenact the show every morning with homemade Paul and Dave dolls. @Late_Show #
  • 6. You’re still holding a candle-light vigil for the return of Pea Boy. @Late_Show #
  • 5. Your apartment is known as “The Dave Cave,” but your name isn’t Dave. @Late_Show #
  • 4. Constantly on alt.fan.letterman, arguing the historical significance of Peggy The Foul Mouthed Chambermaid. @Late_Show #
  • 3. The centerpiece of your shrine for Chris Elliott is a giant jar containing Chris Elliott. @Late_Show #
  • 2. All you ever wear is double-breasted suits and your Larry “Bud” Melman pajamas. @Late_Show #
  • 1. After all these years, you’re still searching for Dave’s erotic blog. @Late_Show #
  • Callia’s first concert: “Weird” Al Yankovic. Awesome! (@ Tennessee Theatre w/ @supercatmatt) http://4sq.com/6cKjA2 #
  • I’m still waiting for the very first time any athlete effects my life in any real way whatsoever [rolling eyes, making jerk off hand motion] #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2010-07-03

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  • Tonight @zaniesnashville w/ tim northern & Chelsea Lately’s Josh Wolf -Call 615.269.0221 #
  • I’m not SURE about this, but I *might* have driven a car down a stairwell last Thursday night in Knoxville. http://ping.fm/xDLQh #
  • RT @micahwhite RT @DeadlineTV: Leno’s ‘Tonight Show’ Has Lowest Rated Quarter Since Letterman Went To CBS http://bit.ly/aHYmcT // ha ha ha! #
  • Mel Gibson is about to get verbally raped by a pack of comedians.. http://bit.ly/am8xHL #
  • RT @tomdelfino Thanks again for letting us run you over with a lawn mower and toss you down some stairs. // any time! Can’t wait to see it. #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2010-03-27

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  • Ear buds were not designed to stay in my wacky Horton-esque ears. #
  • I prefer his southern counterpart “Chicken Wang” // RT @hannibalburess: #badblackcomedynames chicken wing #
  • Then you’re following the wrong people // RT @micahwhite: Every response to #hcr I’ve read from the South has been ridiculous. in reply to micahwhite #
  • hard line partisan people can suck it. #
  • Doing my Last Comic Standing audition this afternoon. Wish me luck.. or at least a healthy dose of “not to suck”. #
  • Shot down! Good luck to everybody else. #
  • They laughed at my jokes, which is unusual, but I didn’t make it thru. Now I’m just hoping I’m not on the douchebag reel. #
  • Natasha said no, in so many words, and I said “that’s terrible!” then nice words from Giraldo #
  • Greg Giraldo laughed and said not to take it hard.. and Andy Kindler and I had a fun back and forth. Then I retired forever from comedy. #
  • Say a guy was in Chinatown, looking to buy 3-4 live baby turtles. Anybody got any leads? My iPhone searches are fruitless. #
  • Word on the street is Mott and Canal, old lady street vendors. I’m walking around doing turtle calls in the best Chinese I can fake. #
  • So far.. just hats, handbags, restaurants and shady “back rub, foot massage” parlors down creepy cellar stairwells. No thanks, ma’am. #
  • Stopped in at Carolines to see Nate Bargatze do a set and following him was Darryl Hammond! Awesome. #
  • About to do a set at broadway comedy club. #
  • I ate a $37 cheeseburger tonight and drank a few hundred dollars worth of booze. Thanks Crazy Person from the audience at Carolines! #
  • Could today have possibly gone better? well, yeah, sure.. But why bitch when my shittiest day here is still mf’ing awesome. #
  • @NashvillePlaces actually that was at the Plaza hotel in NYC http://www.fairmont.com/theplaza in reply to NashvillePlaces #
  • thanks! who should I share my cogratulations with? Jeebus? // RT @Anundson: @ChadRiden hey cogratulations on getting an invite! #
  • RT @wrongforum @ChadRiden This made me think of you: http://bit.ly/8XmN2a – a picture of Santa Claus on the moon puking up a rainbow bridge #
  • @wrongforum no, it’s NOT, you LIAR! but that IS awesome. I’ve had a funny-boner for that video all day long. Funny-Boner, everybody. #
  • it’s a deal. and you can buy me that big ass sammich you owe me. // RT @Anundson: @ChadRiden maybe you can buy me a taco or something. #
  • I’m not the only one who would love to see this made into a full length feature: http://bit.ly/8XmN2a Awesome x Hilarious = Hilawesomeious! #
  • if they start letting women have access to health care, I’m leaving the country. #
  • last night I lost my bag of all four Sergio Aragones’ GROO: The Hogs Of Horder comics during a drunken rampage thru the Plaza Hotel. BOO. #
  • small-ish crowd tonight at the EastVille Comedy Club, but I had fun. I came out of retirement to talk about LCS and my $38.87 cheeseburger. #
  • Before the show I stopped in at The Plaza concierge desk and told the woman my little sob story about losing my GROO comics & left my card. #
  • as the show was ending, Christina from the Plaza called to say they found my bag of comics! She was as excited about it as I was. YEAY #
  • ytcracker’s NES: NerdRap Entertainment System is infinitely awesome and FREE! Get it, nerds: http://ping.fm/qgviT @realytcracker #
  • RT @KeithAlberstadt: Found a bag of lame comic books at The Plaza so I turned em back in. // Applesnatch, you are a liar, liar, liar #
  • why does this Justin Bieber kids on Letterman have dudes for backup dancers? GDit I hate music. #
  • tonight’s my last show in NYC: Haiku at One and One, 8pm w Abbi Crutchfield, Joe DeRosa.. http://ping.fm/e3kOR #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2009-12-26

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  • Watching David Letterman try to knock his Christmas tree down with a motorized cupcake http://bit.ly/8ta0ur @Late_Show #
  • You missed it! Next one is 1/22 // RT @daynise @ChadRiden See you at the “I HAVE NO FRIENDS COMEDY SHOW” http://tinyurl.com/nofriends-1-2010 #
  • I almost said to my 6-year-old: “Come on, you’re acting like a little kid!” *almost*. #
  • Last night, Callia said, “Daddy, it’s HARD taking care of a child.” “How do you know?” “*I’m* a child. I can tell.” #
  • Finished off the keg of Longshot ’96 Hazelnut Brown Ale. Impatiently waiting on my Old Rasputin Imperial Stout clone to finish fermenting. #
  • Merry Christmas! Happy Jew-time! Kooky Kwanzaa! Funky Festivus! ..or whatever the hell it is you celebrate, enjoy it. #
  • setting up the Santa snare. I think this is the year we finally snag that sum-bitch. #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2009-12-12

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  • Washing and drying a few loads of snuggies, slankets and bariatric slipper socks. #
  • RT @toddbarry: My favorite part of getting the Sunday NY times: throwing out the Sports section. #
  • “Osama Bin Laden has never touched a dime of his Al Qaeda money, living entirely off of his stand-up income.” Late Show fun fact 10/9/2009 #
  • RT @Anundson: Chad Riden and Jesse Perry live in studio on Tues Dec 8th 8-9am WRVU 91.1. The final Get Up Stand Up! streaming @ wrvu.org #
  • #CHADRIDEN1K started on Oct. 8 with 388 followers. I’m now at 414. I’m starting to think we’re not on track to hit 1,000 by NYE, everybody. #
  • Remember my pledge to donate ONE THOUSAND pennies to charity if I get 1,000 followers by the end of 2009!? C’mon, Twitter.. where’s your <3? #
  • IT’S FOR CHARITY, people. Surely we can find 586 twitter users who like random, passive-agressive jackassery? Tell a friend: #CHADRIDEN1K #
  • Uh, oh. I’m getting all retrospective-y on 2009.. I only kinda remember what I did this year, so I’ll mark it down as a success. #
  • In 2010, I’ll continue my quest for more & better quality of everything, but will settle for whatever and be satisfied with none of it. #
  • Callia and I tastefully decorated the house last night. My lovely wifera just said, “it looks like Christmas threw up in here.” #
  • Woke up thinking WWJD?, so we’re sitting around the fireplace drinking whiskey & singing ironically anti-semitic lyrics to Christmas tunes. #
  • Endorsement – Dr. Bamford’s NO SOAP™ http://ping.fm/ESu0h #
  • RT @Anundson was just informed I am not welcome back on WRVU, seven hours after I announced I wouldn’t be back. another bridge burned #wrvu #
  • Jim Hayes, Assistant Director of Student Media/Broadcasting at Vanderbilt University, is a giant dildo. (it’s not libel if it’s true!) #wrvu #
  • Once again, telling Callia that old story about the time I got into a gunfight with Santa Claus. (Don’t hate on me, he started it.) #
  • actually it was TG2:EB2: Electric Boogaloo’er! // RT @themightychuck @GeoffBreedwell Chad just celebrated Thanksgiving 2 Electric Boogaloo #
  • Dear Internet, could I please have more shitty Tiger Woods jokes? I can’t get enough of ‘em! I just know they’ll stand the test of time.. #
  • ha! David Letterman’s first message on twitter: RT @Late_Show Do you smell veal and peppers? // yes, Dave. Yes, I do. #
  • judging from the evidence I’ve gathered in and around my bathroom, last night I brushed my teeth with A+D diaper rash cream. #
  • the anchor on CNN just said, “electriZZZity.” could someone around Atlanta please punch her in the face for me? ty #
  • Callia brought home her first Kwanzaa related school work today. mat? fruit? candles? ears of corn? unity cup? gifts? we’re converting. #
  • Project: Scientology Sucks (a video prank contest) – cash prizes! I want to do this: http://ping.fm/qHrJz #
  • I just try to steal their hearts. // RT @Grimeys: it makes me cry when you steal from us @Grimeys… just so you know (via @NashvilleCream) #
  • I feel sorry for the people who hate the USA but love Lee Greenwood. #

David Letterman’s personal life is none of our damn business.

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I stand by Dave.

I stand by Dave.

There is nobody who has had a greater influence on me than David Letterman. Anybody who knows me, knows that. I just wanted to take a second to cut and paste a few things I’ve posted elsewhere online in the last few days:

First, David Letterman’s personal life is none of our damn business.

I applaud the honesty to be able to take a VERY personal & intimate & embarrassing story & made it FUNNY. Only David Letterman could a) have something like this happen to him b) take a story like this and make it get constant laughs on his show. That is not easy to do.

Comedy is completely subjective. Either you like Dave or you don’t. Either you think his telling of this story is funny or you don’t. Watch the video again. The studio audience laughed. A lot. Dave even corrects them at one point saying, “creepy things that I’ve done.. well now, why is that funny?” more laughter.

Creepy? He was banging 20-something year old women. Good for him. None of our gat dern business.

Whether the reality of the situation is funny or not, when he told the story, it got consistent laughs. Say what you will, but as a comic.. the bottom line to me is, “did it get laughs?” Yup.

I feel bad for everybody involved.

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2009-10-03

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  • I've asked my lovely wifera to speak to me in the classic "special ed student" voice whenever she's telling me what to do in the future. #
  • If you hate getting off of your couch as much as I do, download 'Contra: ReBirth' for the Wii. #
  • RT @nsup @Anundson hey gang @ChadRiden joins me on WRVU 91.1 FM 8am-9am. Get up stand up yo!!!! #
  • Just saw Barbara Streisand on HLN talking about coming out of retirement. One of my oldest jokes #
  • Sumter, SC! Tmrow I'll be on WDXY 1240AM 8:30ish am & Friday night headlining at the Sumter Opera House 8:30p -rally all slacker smartasses! #
  • Planning for an upcoming camping trip, my lovely wifera requested I buy an electric blanket in case it gets cold. #
  • In completely unrelated news, my lovely wifera hates and wishes I would shut my "stupid word hole." #
  • Mocking a commercial on tv, I said, "I am Optimus Prime." Callia said, "No, you are Laziness Prime." Touche, my young Padawan. #
  • Tonights show'll be WEIRD RT @comedynews Letterman says he was victim of $2-million extortion attempt in sex case http://tinyurl.com/ydeobbm #
  • Only David Letterman could a) have something like this happen to him b) take a story like this and make it get constant laughs on his show. #
  • Conan needs to fall and bust something else if he wants to get back in the news again. #
  • Letterman's personal life is none of our Gat Dern business but watch em take a VERY personal & intimate & embarrassing story & made it FUNNY #
  • @TVBarn I agree with @damianholbrook, I've gotten an anti-Dave vibe from you for a while now. Re-read 'Late night TV still a boys' club..' in reply to TVBarn #
  • Why is it that if you make one wrong move with a clock radio, your whole day is ruined? #
  • Ok, I pushed the wrong button. Why do I have to unplug it to get it to STF up? #
  • headlining the Opera House in Sumter, SC tonight at 8:30. Tell your friends, 'cause I don't have any here: http://ping.fm/nmLV4 #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2009-09-26

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  • BEHOLD! Good tidings of great joy! Jesus Appears In My Spaghetti – http://ping.fm/LvLvv #
  • I love my wifera. She's beautiful, she's wonderful, she's perfect. L O V E M Y W I F E R A. Suck it, everybody else. #
  • The frigging President of the United States is on Letterman. If you had told me in 1983 that would happen someday I would have stared at you #
  • No idea what Gossip Girl is, but "fagtards" sounds appropriate. @redban dudes I know are "Gossip Girl" watchers… you sirs, are fagtards! #
  • Dave Letterman is telling a story about being shitfaced! If you don't tivo his show every night, you, sir, are a GAT DERN FOOL. #
  • NOTE: I currently have a kegerator full of Belgian Saison. I also have both a child and cunty neighbors. I share beer with everybody else. #
  • My wifera saw my "cunty neighbors" comment and wanted to know what happened. No big incident.. it's just fun to say. There r good ones, too. #
  • Maggie Serota just coined the (word? phrase?) "ChuckleFuckers" in this interview with Greg Giraldo http://tinyurl.com/mfw9mr via @comedynews #
  • re: "ChuckleFuckers" – I vote for full adoption of this to our comedy nomenclature. http://tinyurl.com/mfw9mr #chucklefuckers #
  • Introducing Granny McSassy-Pants: http://ping.fm/heR1D #
  • TN rastas – I'll be in in Nashville @ Zanies Thursday night & @ Music City Bar & Grill Friday night & @ the Hi-Tone in Memphis Sunday. #
  • awesome. RT @comedynews Hooray! You know what to do, errbody: RT @peeweeherman I'm back! Follow Pee-wee! #peewee #
  • RN's have THE BEST stories. Plus, their stories are all *illegal*. Just by talking about work, they're violating HIPAA laws.. extra naughty! #
  • I started this morning off by killing a mouse by punching it. The cat caught it & let it loose & I just reacted. #
  • I don't know if you've ever punched a mouse to death before, but it makes you think about the possibility of rage issues. #
  • Behind me, Callia said, "I love ALL creatures great and small and I think we should just let it go." So I tossed the corpse into the woods. #
  • Heartwarming stories like "punching a mouse to death" and more! Tonight, 7:30pm at Zanies Nashville! $12. http://ping.fm/tkfLh #
  • RT @zaniesnashville 4 FREE tix @ 7:30PM call 615-269-0221-say twitter & RT this deal- BEST OF NASHVILLE: TC COPE, CHAD RIDEN & LAHNA TURNER #
  • RT @nsup The I Have No Friends Comedy Contest – 9pm @ Music City Bar & Grill; 2416 Music Valley Dr. http://links.comedynews.org/kx4a #
  • I'm supposed to bring one of the dogs to Callia's school this afternoon. The chances of this being a complete disaster is very, very high. #

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