so God sends Jesus.. we kill him.. then we celebrate his brutal murder. What if we DIDN’T kill him, and instead acted like he told us to? #
- hey @BillyWayneDavis @PunchlineMag thinks you’re adorable: http://j.mp/fAEVHb B-dub and Punchline sittin’ in a tree.. K-I-S-S-I-N-G! #
- If someone has a shopping cart with 20-something cartons of soy milk, they’re bat shit, right? There can’t be a real reason for that. #
- RT @birq Maybe they’re making soy meth. // If that were true, soy milk would be the lamest way to catch a buzz, ever. in reply to birq #
- Even the awesomest massage chairs are still pretty terrible. Is a little league team jabbing me with baseball bats? No, “Full back refresh.” #
- The lady doing my pedicure: “I feel like you King Kong! You SO BIG, I so small!” Keep talkin’ lady. #
- RT @nprnews Is The Dalai Lama Playing A Dangerous Game? n.pr/gsqgzQ // Russian roulette? in reply to nprnews #
- Headed Northbound on I-65 north of louisville round about the 29 mile marker, lookin fer that Smokey Bear report. Come on back, Southbound. #
- RT @nprnews A Business That Helps Prostitutes Bloom In Recovery n.pr/dV03ne //the Magdalene program in Nashville! Awesome ladies, every one. in reply to nprnews #
- RT @Anundson all clear to Derby city. Don’t be a dirty dan // 10-4 good buddy, I’m puttin’ the hammer down! in reply to Anundson #
- I’m the youngest person in this casino by at least 450 years. #
- I want to see @BarackObama‘s Social Security card. Why won’t he show it to us? What is he afraid of revealing? #
- I’m faxing this to @JayLeno:”They made an Atlas Shrugged movie. Didja see those box office numbers? turns out, AMERICA SHRUGGED. (cue:music) #
the dumbest voices are always the loudest #
- Pssst! This guy is a dildo. Pass it on. (Kewadin Casino, St. Ignace, MI.) http://t.co/l3J9Umm #
- Just ripped a honey packet open like a meth’ed-up Winnie the Pooh. #honeypocalypse2011 #
- I can’t take England / the British seriously precisely because of THIS faeiry tale horseshit that they refuse to just STOP doing. #rw2011 #
- Oh, you’re “royalty”? Go fuck yourself. #rw2011 #
- There is a woman here singing karaoke who sounds EXACTLY like Elvis in his prime. I suspect it’s really Bob Zmuda in drag. Don’t know. #
- Fuck your pointless, powerless “royals” and their wedding. When England starts offing these bitches like Henry VIII’s wives, televise that. #
- I smile every time @Twitter‘s sidebar lists accounts “Similar to you” & they ARE ME: @ComedyNews @ComedyPodcast @nsup @DruncleSam @i_idiots #
- Going to a “beer tasting” in Milwaukee. I will attempt to document how much I end up “tasting” but my math gets bad quickly. #
- Beer tasting tally update: a lot. #
- I spent a few hours at @nashfilmfest filming stuff. I’ll be back this evening for the 9pm red carpet with a flame-throwing car. #NaFF2011 #
- RT @DJ_Spinja “I’m really tempted to go see 13 Assassins!!!” // it does sound awesome.. 9:30 tonight- don’t miss it, suckas! #NaFF2011 in reply to DJ_Spinja #
- She always promises the world, but delivers a trailer park. #
- So Exxon, Bank of America & GE get HUGE tax breaks.. my take-away: I should totally start a multi-billion $ corporation http://bit.ly/eRC1GJ #
- The churchy’s say no abortion.. but God gave you a loophole: for Passover, just “forget” to dump lamb’s blood on your door. Problem solved! #
- Trying to read about Passover so I can mock it, but it’s so excruciating- like reading some baseball player’s detailed wacky superstitions. #
You’ve got the right to believe whatever you want, but *I* believe all religions are equally ridiculous. #
- a question for @ComedyCentral & @TheComedyAwards: we know how to donate TO “The Comedy Fund” but how do we apply for assistance FROM it? #
- a stand-up video from my shows opening for @DougStanhope – “Chad Riden – The Death Penalty: WWJD?” http://bit.ly/deathWWJD #
- .@ComedyCentral I see info about donating, the EIF, MPTV Fund & Actors Fund, but not info about how comics qualify for and get assistance. #
- 4:20 on 4/20! DERRRRRRRRP! #
- Read: $$$!//RT @realjeffreyross I get to roast him hard every night in front of an angry mob.. RT @fastlou711 Why are u saving Sheen’s show? in reply to realjeffreyross #
- Keep your loud music to yourself, please! Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and this beholder thinks your tunes suck ass. #
- Booze.. WWJD? Jesus would turn water into wine and save the party. #
- Skanky Whores.. WWJD? Befriend them and be best pals for life. Right, Mary Magdalene? #
- .@SarahKSilverman Here’s Stacey Campfield’s blog post about it http://lastcar.blogspot.com/2011/04/dont-teach-gay-bill-passes-senate-ed.html in reply to SarahKSilverman #
- .@SarahKSilverman the BIG questions is: what weird gay-sex scandal will eventually force Stacey Campfield to come out of the closet? in reply to SarahKSilverman #
- .@SarahKSilverman little known fact: Stacey Campfield’s “don’t say gay” bill was originally called “ignore the gay and it will go away” #
The more often someone says “you know what I’m sayin” the less likely I am to know or care what they are saying. #
- thanks to @Anundson @riley_fox @MattWardComedy @superpixels & @JohnUptonComedy for the #FF‘s! #FF you, too! #
- saw a black guy at hobby lobby stocking shelves, rocking a Hitler mustache. So, that’s officially a thing you can do again. #
- RT @McDonalds The incident in Baltimore is sad and reprehensible. // YOUR FOOD is sad and reprehensible. The Baltimore incident is tragic. in reply to McDonalds #
- RT @DJ_Spinja Michael Jordan did it in a commercial. // AH! So that was the green light. I haven’t seen ads since I bought a @TiVo in reply to DJ_Spinja #
The World Series is over. The Denver Dingleberries beat out the Austin Egomaniacs 4 – 3.. or something. I don’t know. Honestly, I haven’t given a crap about baseball in years. It’s like wrestling – it’s something you love when you’re a kid, but eventually find better things to do with your time. I used to watch the WWF, but at some point you realize you’re staring at enormous oily men wearing really tight clothing roll around on each other. Some men are ok with this, and continue to watch. The rest of us date women.
Baseball is kind of the same way with me. When I was a young little smart ass, the only thing that kept me in school every day was the perfect attendance incentive program. I grew up in the Chicagoland area, and the school system would give you tickets to any professional baseball game in Chicago every semester as long as you didn’t miss a day. I spent most of those days in the Principal’s office, but I was in school just the same.
While other kids were learning silly things like math and science, I was learning to hate authority figures and steal clay from the supply room. I’ve kept in touch with some of my elementary school buddies, and they’re all well-educated intellectuals with important, high-paying jobs in respected fields. I’m a jackass comedian with lame mean-spirited jokes who gets thru the day by scamming free meals and drinks.
If I’d have known then what I know now.. I.. I woulda.. well, I guess I would have started performing comedy a lot sooner. Heck, by now my career could have already run its course. I could’ve done the “live fast, die young” thing and already be a legend! Then again, I could’ve done the “live fast, get old” thing and become Chevy Chase.. so maybe I should just take my time with this. I’ve digressed.
Baseball strikes me as one of those things that has forgotten why people liked it in the first place. Fat asses like Babe Ruth used to play good enough to rule the game.. now the sport is full of enormous cyborgs who, by this point, are more of a product of steroids and pampering than they are well-trained, talented athletes.
Remember jocks in high school? Dipshits, right? I recall losers who banked their futures.. their entire existence on the possibilities sports could offer. Players who were mediocre – even at the highschool level – who thought maybe they had a chance. Sad thing is.. some of them did! All it takes is a ton of highly concentrated hormone supplements and a little bit of practice, and you too could be in the next home-run-race. That is, until you take that one swing that causes all your back zits to pop simultaneously.. creating a spine-crushing blast that leaves your uniform flapping in the wind atop your vaporized, drug-riddled carcass.
I don’t know.. maybe I’m being too harsh. Maybe I’m just a jealous punk who’s lashing out. Yeah, perhaps Darryl Strawberry isn’t a crack head.. maybe he’s just misunderstood. Maybe they don’t drug-test within Major League Baseball because if they did, there wouldn’t BE Major League Baseball.
I just can’t watch it. I don’t have time. If they removed all the crotch scratching, jock adjusting, and spitting.. maybe they could play a game in less than four hours (but would it be as fun?). Baseball could learn something from Basketball and Football: put a timer on the scoreboard. You’ve got 10 seconds allowed for each pitch. If the batter isn’t ready, he’s out. If the pitcher is still shaking no to a signal, it’s a run. Speed it up, keep the energy going and get John Tesh to write some riveting theme music.