Twitter Weekly Updates for 2012-09-15

  • I haven't read Revelations lately but I'm pretty sure ‎"shirtless dudes" is one of the plagues of the apocalypse. #
  • It sounds like you guys have totally forgotten about The Alamo, Pearl Harbor and the Charmin. #NeverForget #
  • Why does everybody keep talking about 1991 made for tv drama "Never Forget" starring Leonard Nimoy? #TNTFORLIFE #
  • #fuhgeddaboudit #
  • They say, "everything happens for a reason." I think that's true, but sometimes that reason is: "because Daddy drinks." #
  • I need new pants. Fashion-aware people in Nashville, where do I go? I want to look nice but not gay or trendy. Goodwill is all I know. Help. #
  • .@Jest included me in this thing: "New Subreddit: Stand-Up Comedy In Screencaps (it's like Louis C.K. but faster)" in reply to Jest #
  • "All I want out of life is the new Wii.." #StandUpShots #Wii #WiiU #
  • no but my pals @stuckeymurray have the fuxedo: //RT @CorporateJugger point me in the direction of a crotchless tuxedo? #
  • I hope my anti- anti-Islam-film film isn't misconstrued somehow. #
Posted in twitter

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2012-09-08

  • FUN shows with @hannibalburess & @fatboyBarnett at @zaniesnashville tonight, despite my ridiculous BBQ-smoke-scented shenanigans. #
  • FYI @fortunefunny is awesome and hilarious and my new hero. If you like laughing your ass off go see her every chance you get. #
  • Old Ben Riden just told me I "drive like I'm in a race." Just shut it & hold on. #
  • The Chad Riden way of doing things: water pump goes out on your daily driver? buy another old diesel Mercedes, fill it up with wvo & GO. #
  • Just got my dogs' oil changed & tires rotated. (@ Lebanon Road Animal Hospital) #
  • Regardless of how hilarious it sounds, "Fudge Packer" is still a real job. #
  • Great idea! Let's consolidate ALL the awful crap onto your channel. // RT @MTV premiering @Twilight #BreakingDawn Part 2 sneak during #VMA #
  • My favorite way to drive myself crazy is to point out all the places where there should and easily could be got damn turn lanes. #
  • My roommate used to get off of work, eat a bowl of Raman, drink one beer & then pass out in my lazyboy. Every single day. #thatsmyroommate #
  • Oh how the mighty have fallen: Guido DeVille hates his cone of shame. #bowWow #
  • I thought 3D printers were stupid until I learned they can print NEW 3D printers AND guns: I'm in! #
  • VMAs during the DNC? Back in MY DAY @Mtv wanted to "Rock the Vote" not cock-block the vote. #grumble #grumble #WhipperSnappers #grumble #
  • the importance of "stage presence" exemplified: "um, ok" = the response I get 95% of the time I make a joke to a girl via text message. #
  • I'm at Cinco De Mayo (Old Hickory, TN) #
  • WHO are these "undecided" voters and wtf is their problem? Are they being coy? Is it a way to pretend to be thoughtful? Read up and decide. #
Posted in twitter

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2012-09-01

  • I love going to county fairs just to stay abreast of the latest trends in jailbait fashion. #
  • Nashville doesn't have one of those regional "ha ha! you just ate fried testicles!" things. I say we start doing that w/ hot chicken dicks. #
  • grab it by the head, use it to freak out @CalliaRiden. // RT @Tennessean: Snake pops head through AC vent of car.. How would you react? #
  • "denial" // RT @SNMNetwork: Okay, news fans, if you could sum up the first night of the #RNC in one word, what would it be? #
  • That's not how *I* feed animals! I put my dog's food in a special bowl while he does a little doggy dance.. I don't throw peanuts at-OH! oh. #
  • Check out my America Strikes Back: All-Access Pass. Make your own at #ColbertAllAccessPass #
  • Fundamentally reduce the size of this government? Chris Christie can't "fundamentally reduce the size" of his own ass. #awwwSNAP #
  • Consistently mentioning dead hookers, AIDS and rape are both edgy AND original & a great way to impress bookers. #fakeadvicefornewcomics #
  • The younger you are, the more receptive the crowd will be to your political and social views. Nevermind punchlines! #fakeadvicefornewcomics #
  • Comedy contests that target open-micers and require an entry fee are a great way to go pro overnight. #fakeadvicefornewcomics #
  • My pal @MoAlexander is going to the San Francisco comedy competition. Help him get there: #
  • no shit, they're liars. // RT @nprnews: Bank Of America Hasn't Modified Any Mortgages, As It Had Agreed To #
  • You should travel to other cities and beg clubs to feature you before you even get an emcee gig at your local club. #fakeadvicefornewcomics #
  • I'll be at @ZaniesNashville fri-sat with @HannibalBuress & sun with @ChelseaLately's @FortuneFunny. If you can but you don't go you're dumb. #
  • HELL YEAH!! // RT @Henlips: Guess it's official. Thanks for everyone supporting Punching the clown! #
  • Fingers crossed that "Clint Eastwood" turns out to be Michael J. Fox as Marty McFly trying to be incognito at the RNC. #
  • Make me a 3D Printer that prints out 3D Printers & then you've got somethin // RT @tonyyoungblood: Build a 3D Printer.. #
  • Nobody follows the people you list in your #FF #039;s. Just RT stuff from those people.. that works. Also, if you RT #FF lists you should stop. #
  • now you're being mean: RT @LeeRoyDiggler: Shout out to @ChadRiden funny guy, good parent, comic, and bodybuilder. You are ok with me, Riden! #
  • Thanks buddy, fight the powers that be. // RT @FamousMike @ChadRiden great set @zaniesnashville tonight, fucking hilarious! #
  • You're my new favorite person// RT @shannonfox Met you at early show at Zanies tonight (complimented your Cons) and found you to be awesome! #
  • Good times. xxxooo // RT @Brianekiley Getting ready to lay down some jokes at @zaniesnashville with @ChadRiden and @hannibalburess . #
  • It's 187 miles to the @riden_family Hacienda, I have two Boston butts & one beef brisket, it's dark and I don't own sunglasses. #
Posted in twitter

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2012-08-25

  • Say funnier stuff and more people will follow you. It's tacky to ASK them to. #

  • Pooning' hooters girls in their butt-holes using 911 sauce as lube. You? (@ Hooters) #
  • I'm designing the butt-hole equivilent of a sleeve tattoo. #
  • Everybody who was bitchin that "rape jokes are never funny" can suck it. #
  • A great way Improv Everywhere could surprise and delight me again would be by staging a mass suicide. That would be hilarious. @ImprovEvery #
  • I'm at Zanies Comedy Club (Nashville, TN) #
  • I never saw this coming, but somehow my beard has gone viral: RT @MattDavis: @ChadsBeard get off of my face! #
  • I'm at Exit/In (Nashville, TN) w/ 3 others #
  • "If we don't end the war on women, the war on women will end us."
    – H.G. Whatshesaid #
  • In 3rd grade, whenever somebody exclaimed "Jesus!" in class #mycrazyteacher would always say, "He isn't here and he isn't coming back." #
  • Ladies and Gentlemen meet my next wife: Maria Louise Del Rosario, the "Butt Hole Tattoo Girl": <3 <3 <3 #
  • If I can get in touch with these people, I will take it. RT @JesseIsTerrific: @ChadRiden Owning this is your destiny: #
Posted in twitter

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2012-08-18

  • Parents who park their strollers in the middle of busy walkways should have their babies taken away from them forever. #
  • "Everybody needs to quit talking about my Johnson" – Adorable, 10-year-old Chad Riden if he were here today to see Chad Johnson trending. #
  • Something tells me if anyone can take down the FBI it's a Juggalo lawyer representing the Insane Clown Posse but only if he's in full makeup #
  • Rumors from the Gathering say that the Insane Clown Posse's lawsuit against the FBI will include a subpoena of magnets. #
  • Nashville, come to Springwater right fucking now. @LandonOutLoud #
  • Fighting The Powers That Be. #
  • RT @geofftate96: I would like to have a good birthday again. Does anyone know how? // sleep through the whole thing and miss it? #
  • Some nerd just sent me this awesome link – dude wants to build the USS Enterprise for reals: #BuildTheEnterprise #BTE #
  • RT @McDonalds: Fill in the blank: This week I am looking forward to ____. // ..not getting sick because I ate the awful garbage you sell. #
  • "silence your cellphones and keep the talking to a minimum whisper" should be the rule OUTSIDE of comedy clubs, too. Shut it, errbody. #
  • Butt-hole tattoos seem like the perfectly logical next step: RT @ikpanderson @HuffingtonPost Girl with the anal tattoo? #
  • Boots Randolph "Yakety Sax" RT @JessicaNorthey:If you could ONLY listen to ONE artist/band for the rest of your life which one would it be? #
  • RT @TMZ Megadeth's Dave Mustaine Believes Obama 'Staged' Aurora Shooting Massacre || 10-4! Any word on Dave Ellefson's thoughts on the Sikh? #
  • I just got added to the lineup tonight at @ZaniesNashville with @madflavor, but you bought your tickets already, right? #
  • this guy: RT @T_Major1: Poor @floyd_erick didn't get a pic with @madflavor or @ChadRiden #toobad #
  • I'm such a fat fucking clown: RT @T_Major1: @ChadRiden and I at #Zanies #Cashville … dude was amazing! #
  • missed connection: girl at my show last night who remembered making eye contact w/ me while she projectile vomited at a @DougStanhope show. #
  • Dear my missed connection puking girl from Alabama. Please contact me – you are awesome. Lets move to Aruba and start new lives together. #
  • I uploaded a @YouTube video Carlos Mencia promo boo'd at Joey "Coco" Diaz show #
  • MT @dOHboy13: @joerogan @madflavor they announced @carlosmencia coming & the place ERUPTED in boos // I have video: #
  • Anytime I hear talk about Virgin Mary I think, "Let's get off of Jesus' mom.. 'cause He just got off of YOURS" and then I honk a bike horn. #
  • Seal Team 6 or The A-Team or whoever needs to go spring Pussy Riot out and bring them directly to my house. #
  • I will convert to a polygamy brand of Mormonism if all of the Pussy Riot girls will marry me. Free green cards, ladies. Think about it. #
  • If Russians don't rise up and overthrow their government because of this Pussy Riot jail sentance, I just don't understand people at all. #
  • 2-4 pm every day is complete bullshit and should be an international siesta time. #
  • If Russians don't rise up and overthrow their government because of this Pussy Riot jail sentence, I just don't understand people at all. #
  • because although he IS awful, he isn't as BIG of a living joke? RT @SarahPalinLinks: Why Isn't Paul Ryan Getting the Sarah Palin Treatment? #
  • Whycome every guy I've ever seen on a motorcycle looks like Hulk Hogan in a vest? #
Posted in twitter

stand-up video: 16-minute promo – 8/15/2012 at Zanies Nashville

This is 16 minutes long.. but it’s 16 minutes of FUNNY, so whatever.

Chad Riden 8/15/2012 at Zanies Nashville from Chad Riden on Vimeo.

Posted in stand-up, video Tagged with: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2012-08-11

  • I'm introducing a network of podcast networks. #
  • My network of podcast networks simply networks multiple networks of podcasts into one giant network of podcast networks. It's pretty great. #
  • apparently I've got a hypothyroid thing.. so being a fat, lazy, moody jackass ISN'T MY FAULT at all! I have a medical condition / excuse. #
  • if you call it "the twitterverse" online I will unfollow you immediately. If only I could unfollow people's conversations in real life.. #
  • Bingo licked my face, so @DougStanhope's Big Stink Comedy Tour has officially been christened. #
  • .@Amberettinger I think @BarackObama – nay – THE WORLD needs Obama Girl now, more than ever. I believe in you..don't let me down.Yes we can? #
  • Free #ChAdvice Don't shave your balls with an electric moustache trimmer. I won't go into details, just trust me on this one. #
  • every time she hears the Doctor Who theme music, my daughter @CalliaRiden does a wacky dance that ends with jazz hands. Hilarity ensues. #
Posted in twitter

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2012-08-04

  • Offered my 5yo nephew $1 to find my iPhone charger and he said he "has a LOT of money in the bank. I got quarters.. and diamonds.." #
  • .@Mtv's Sucker Free Countdown is comprised of nothing BUT suckas. Why can't a brotha get a Mtv Classic channel with Yo! Mtv Raps!? #
  • ..and me, too // MT @erinmcgown: Hey Nashville, go to Friends & Friends at @TheHighWatt tomorrow to see @natebargatze … #NintendoWives #
  • telling jokes in Nashville at 8pm w/ @NateBargatze and the @CorporateJugger guys at @TheHighWatt. $6 in adv at @Grimeys or $10 at the door. #
  • the answer is within the question. || RT @hollyamber: How could I be sad listening to Wham? #
  • ok if @SnoopDogg is changing his name to @Snoop_Lion then I'm changing MY name to Snoop Dogg. #
  • No disrespect, @Snoop_Lion, I don't want to live in a world where there is no Snoop D O double G.. so if it's up to me to fill those shoes.. #
  • I can't wait to hear ROARs from his boyz up in Da Lion'z Den | @punchlinecomedy L to the I to the O and N, Snoop is back to do it all again. #
  • Wednesday night I'll be at @ZaniesNashville with @MariaBamfoo and @JoeZimmerman – 7:30pm. Buy tickets now or regret it: #
  • It is my most treasured bar of soap by a landslide. RT @mariabamfoo chad, you still hold the only wooden bar my dad has ever sold. #
  • Endorsement: Dr. Bamford’s No-Soap™ @mariabamfoo #
  • If your idea of "taking a STAND" involves either going to or avoiding a particular fast food restaurant, you are a moron. #
  • tonight, @mariabamfoo proved once again that she is The Best. Sometimes I can't believe how lucky I am to do the things I get to do. #
  • Somebody told me last night that I should be tweeting about the olympics, so here we go: I hate sports. #
  • OlympicsTweeteroo: I hate anybody who says they "give 110%" because they're clearly dummies who don't understand how percentages work. #
  • OlympicsTweeteroo: If you do a thing over and over all the time for years, you get good at it. I've practiced being unimpressed by sports. #
  • 10) you're still married but you follow @HuffPostDivorce on twitter || RT @HuffPostDivorce: 10 signs your marriage is in trouble #
  • Chick-Fil-A Tweeteroo: if the 2nd ammendment were somehow involved, I think this would be the perfect election year issue. #
  • I dropped @CalliaRiden off at school this morning. She's YOUR problem now, Society! I wipe my hands clean of the whole ordeal. #
  • So if I go to Chick-fil-A do I have to buy food before I sit and watch lesbians make out, or can I brown bag it? #
  • The only time any sports appeal to me is when I get to see close-ups of the losers crying. Someone edit me an Olympic super-cut of sadness. #
  • Dating profiles that say, "I'm an open book! Just ask!" read: "My personality is too boring for words!" and "Even *I* don't know who I am!" #
  • if your favorite comedian is Bill Hicks, watch how comedy has evolved in the many years he has been dead: @DougStanhope is on Showtime in 15 #
Posted in twitter

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2012-07-28

  • Buying me some booty shorts at Imogene + Willie's. #
  • TONIGHT! @marcmaron @rysing @brianbatescomic at @ZaniesNashville – be there or bite the big one. #
  • Lovin the @biscuitluvtruck right now #
  • Henceforward I will be marketing myself as The ColorBlind Comic Chad Riden. Bookings thru @i_idiots and Satan. Thanks. #
  • Nashville suffers no fools. You can be a sugar-coated pop act.. but being a cunt to people is not going to fly. #
  • I'm going to the Young Buck IRS auction to bid on a blinged out riding lawn mower with spinners. | RT @NashvilleCream #
  • I need something to be self-righteously outraged about. Now taking suggestions on the stalker hotline voicemail at 615-829-6187. Call now! #
  • ladies, here's your next fitness fad: Horse Riding Fitness Ace Power! 승마운동기구 에이스파워: via @youtube #
  • I still don't believe any man has ever worn spandex. It's either a weird Scooby Doo style hoax or an alternate-universe bleeding thru thing. #
  • If you'd just accept @AnthonyEdwards as your Lord and Savior you could stop saying "Talk to me, Goose" ironically and start saying it 4REALZ #
  • Hey Nashville politicians, here's a quick way to get re-elected: Implement these things here: #
  • . @RySing is in Oklahoma City. Somebody, please for the love of all that is holy go hang out with him. He is funny and charming and nice. #
  • .@realDonaldTrump stands up for what's RIGHT-people who ignore child rape, insane birther conspiracy theories and the Republicans. USA! USA! #
  • whenever @twitter is down I get very, very angry about it but I'm never sure how to effectively communicate that to people. #
  • The only reason I know Nickleback exists is because I know open micer's in their 20's. #
  • What was the dead thing on the queen's head? #
  • They sure have put a lot of effort into making the Olympic Opening Ceremonies boring as shit. #
Posted in twitter

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2012-07-21

  • I'm looking for a used, mechanically sound class c diesel RV within a state or two of TN that has NOT been sitting unused for years. Anyone? #
  • My brother stayed up all night drinking whiskey & gave my dog Guido a haircut. It does not look good, Guido is limping, and he seems pissed. #
  • I wish there was a way to retweet somebody liking your tweeteroos so everybody would automatically know about our empty personal victories. #
  • The leaked iPhone 5 photos / speculation is all WRONG! The new iPhone is actually nothing more than a Newton 2000 with a retina display. #
  • In some circles, it still is.. but those people are generally fairly dip-shitty. || @BillyWayneDavis i wish Nerd was still an insult. #
  • Trying to start this damn weed whacker so I can trim my ridiculously unruly eyebrows. #
  • plucking your own eyes out & eating them RT @MTV What’s better than waking up to the #TheHills on #RetroMTV every morning? Serious question. #
  • Hey Spanky's Sports Bar, sorry I said fuck a lot, but.. I say fuck a lot. When did that become a rule? I love you but that's dumb. #
  • you guys should talk about your local weather more, that's very interesting to people around the world on the internet. what's the 5-day? #
  • thanks for the follow @DoctorWhoReview! Yesterday I installed a TARDIS ringtone on my iPhone but I'm still waiting for a call. #NOfriends :( #
  • My God can beat up your God. (This message brought to you by The Holy MF'ing @Chadyterian Church) #
  • I want to wholeheartedly thank @NC5 for doing their stupid weather updates during the commercial breaks for @Late_Show. Good job, boys. #
  • Do bicyclists get tickets for running stop signs? They impede traffic, don't obey the rules of the road, act very entitled & dress silly. #
  • I like the way law enforcement is "stepping up" at theaters. YES, that's the problem. the places we watch movies aren't secure enough. #
  • RT @brittaniriggin: Is marriage "still a thing"? || not in my house #
  • Once they get into his apartment and tell us what video games he played, what music he listened to.. THEN we'll get to the bottom of this. #
  • .@CNN – story idea: please interview theater-goers who are upset that they can't wear their stupid Batman costumes to the theater tonight. #
  • The (alleged) asshole bought the guns LEGALLY with background checks and everything SO that system has proven itself necessary & worthwhile. #
  • You're right, guns ARE the problem. Ban them all. The police and military should lead by example and disarm themselves completely asap. #
  • .@LandonOutLoud well, granted. I'm not giving up MY guns.. I'm just saying everybody else should do that. I'm keeping my stockpile. #
  • At Jeni's @MarcMaron bought ice cream "for (his) children" and everybody's hearts melted. [pic]: #
Posted in twitter