Twitter Weekly Updates for 2012-09-29

  • you tell 'em, sassy britches! #
  • yeay! @NashvilleComedy Comic's Lunch w/ @maryjayberger & whoever else shows up: NOON today at @NashFarmMarket. Be there, suckas! #
  • what's with these kids taking alcohol rectally? just an excuse for ass-play? BACK IN MY DAY we drank booze with our GD mouths like MEN. #
  • . @MittRomney reminds me of @DannyDeVito's character in "Other People's Money." (video) #
  • .@CalliaRiden just tagged the end of a Chuck E. Cheese commercial's: "where kids can be a kid" with: "..for $30 an hour." So proud. #
  • RT @PaulinaGC: Now I miss the trifectas at Steve's. #beard #glasses #hoodie // if you spot a trifecta wearing plaid, you automatically win. #
Posted in twitter

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2012-09-22

  • I'm glad you guys are here to keep us all updated on how those sports events are going. HOW ELSE WOULD WE EVER KNOW? #
  • .@JesseIsTerrific you misunderstand! I'm being sincere. How would I ever follow sports if it weren't for the updates from random people? in reply to JesseIsTerrific #
  • I LOVE my TN Vols, but I HATE watching games live and do not enjoy them on tv or radio, so before social media I had no way to get updates. #
  • When I watch sports I wonder, "did that just happen? I better check social media for confirmation from people who saw the exact same thing." #
  • so Romney is addicted to porn. RT @radleybalko Anti-porn crusader says top Romney advisor told him Romney intends to "launch a war on porn." #
  • I don't hate sports as much as I LOVE it when someone is upset that their team lost. My dream is that they ALL could lose, all the time. #
  • Hey everybody who is all pissed off that their favorite sports team lost, try not giving a shit. Benefits: reduced stress & more free time. #
  • have people started equating having a HUGE phone with having a TINY penis yet? #
  • .@NSup's @NashvilleComedy Comics' Lunch! Today at NOON at the Farmer's Market food court thing! Be there, or suck it! #
  • Finally getting my ass implants! (@ Vanderbilt Health (One Hundred Oaks)) #
  • I'm at Hooters (Hermitage, TN) #
  • All of my dick jokes are for the glory of The Lord. // RT @Ashley_Corby: Telling jokes for Jesus with @ChadRiden #
  • Tim Tebow is the Sarah Palin of Football. @TimTebow @SarahPalinUSA #
  • I have the fashion sense of an invalid chimp, but I do know that your high-waisted shorts look unflattering and stupid, Ladies. #
  • I've always heard Cokes were healthy! WTF! // RT @Reuters: Studies show stronger link between soda and obesity #
  • Guys! I just found a piece of papyrus that says Jesus thinks you're all ridiculous. #
  • Just found an outline for a YardFlix show 10 years ago when I did "Interpretive Christian Breakdancing" to a #
  • "Hookers plus champagne equals hilarious comedy" #
  • Look! A photo from way back in the day when the @nsup Tuesday mic had real AUDIENCES! #
  • Old publicity photos (from 2003?) of me pretending to cry and/or snort a microphone? Awful. #
  • I'm at Starbucks Coffee (Manchester, TN) #
Posted in twitter

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2012-09-15

  • I haven't read Revelations lately but I'm pretty sure ‎"shirtless dudes" is one of the plagues of the apocalypse. #
  • It sounds like you guys have totally forgotten about The Alamo, Pearl Harbor and the Charmin. #NeverForget #
  • Why does everybody keep talking about 1991 made for tv drama "Never Forget" starring Leonard Nimoy? #TNTFORLIFE #
  • #fuhgeddaboudit #
  • They say, "everything happens for a reason." I think that's true, but sometimes that reason is: "because Daddy drinks." #
  • I need new pants. Fashion-aware people in Nashville, where do I go? I want to look nice but not gay or trendy. Goodwill is all I know. Help. #
  • .@Jest included me in this thing: "New Subreddit: Stand-Up Comedy In Screencaps (it's like Louis C.K. but faster)" in reply to Jest #
  • "All I want out of life is the new Wii.." #StandUpShots #Wii #WiiU #
  • no but my pals @stuckeymurray have the fuxedo: //RT @CorporateJugger point me in the direction of a crotchless tuxedo? #
  • I hope my anti- anti-Islam-film film isn't misconstrued somehow. #
Posted in twitter

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2012-09-08

  • FUN shows with @hannibalburess & @fatboyBarnett at @zaniesnashville tonight, despite my ridiculous BBQ-smoke-scented shenanigans. #
  • FYI @fortunefunny is awesome and hilarious and my new hero. If you like laughing your ass off go see her every chance you get. #
  • Old Ben Riden just told me I "drive like I'm in a race." Just shut it & hold on. #
  • The Chad Riden way of doing things: water pump goes out on your daily driver? buy another old diesel Mercedes, fill it up with wvo & GO. #
  • Just got my dogs' oil changed & tires rotated. (@ Lebanon Road Animal Hospital) #
  • Regardless of how hilarious it sounds, "Fudge Packer" is still a real job. #
  • Great idea! Let's consolidate ALL the awful crap onto your channel. // RT @MTV premiering @Twilight #BreakingDawn Part 2 sneak during #VMA #
  • My favorite way to drive myself crazy is to point out all the places where there should and easily could be got damn turn lanes. #
  • My roommate used to get off of work, eat a bowl of Raman, drink one beer & then pass out in my lazyboy. Every single day. #thatsmyroommate #
  • Oh how the mighty have fallen: Guido DeVille hates his cone of shame. #bowWow #
  • I thought 3D printers were stupid until I learned they can print NEW 3D printers AND guns: I'm in! #
  • VMAs during the DNC? Back in MY DAY @Mtv wanted to "Rock the Vote" not cock-block the vote. #grumble #grumble #WhipperSnappers #grumble #
  • the importance of "stage presence" exemplified: "um, ok" = the response I get 95% of the time I make a joke to a girl via text message. #
  • I'm at Cinco De Mayo (Old Hickory, TN) #
  • WHO are these "undecided" voters and wtf is their problem? Are they being coy? Is it a way to pretend to be thoughtful? Read up and decide. #
Posted in twitter

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2012-09-01

  • I love going to county fairs just to stay abreast of the latest trends in jailbait fashion. #
  • Nashville doesn't have one of those regional "ha ha! you just ate fried testicles!" things. I say we start doing that w/ hot chicken dicks. #
  • grab it by the head, use it to freak out @CalliaRiden. // RT @Tennessean: Snake pops head through AC vent of car.. How would you react? #
  • "denial" // RT @SNMNetwork: Okay, news fans, if you could sum up the first night of the #RNC in one word, what would it be? #
  • That's not how *I* feed animals! I put my dog's food in a special bowl while he does a little doggy dance.. I don't throw peanuts at-OH! oh. #
  • Check out my America Strikes Back: All-Access Pass. Make your own at #ColbertAllAccessPass #
  • Fundamentally reduce the size of this government? Chris Christie can't "fundamentally reduce the size" of his own ass. #awwwSNAP #
  • Consistently mentioning dead hookers, AIDS and rape are both edgy AND original & a great way to impress bookers. #fakeadvicefornewcomics #
  • The younger you are, the more receptive the crowd will be to your political and social views. Nevermind punchlines! #fakeadvicefornewcomics #
  • Comedy contests that target open-micers and require an entry fee are a great way to go pro overnight. #fakeadvicefornewcomics #
  • My pal @MoAlexander is going to the San Francisco comedy competition. Help him get there: #
  • no shit, they're liars. // RT @nprnews: Bank Of America Hasn't Modified Any Mortgages, As It Had Agreed To #
  • You should travel to other cities and beg clubs to feature you before you even get an emcee gig at your local club. #fakeadvicefornewcomics #
  • I'll be at @ZaniesNashville fri-sat with @HannibalBuress & sun with @ChelseaLately's @FortuneFunny. If you can but you don't go you're dumb. #
  • HELL YEAH!! // RT @Henlips: Guess it's official. Thanks for everyone supporting Punching the clown! #
  • Fingers crossed that "Clint Eastwood" turns out to be Michael J. Fox as Marty McFly trying to be incognito at the RNC. #
  • Make me a 3D Printer that prints out 3D Printers & then you've got somethin // RT @tonyyoungblood: Build a 3D Printer.. #
  • Nobody follows the people you list in your #FF #039;s. Just RT stuff from those people.. that works. Also, if you RT #FF lists you should stop. #
  • now you're being mean: RT @LeeRoyDiggler: Shout out to @ChadRiden funny guy, good parent, comic, and bodybuilder. You are ok with me, Riden! #
  • Thanks buddy, fight the powers that be. // RT @FamousMike @ChadRiden great set @zaniesnashville tonight, fucking hilarious! #
  • You're my new favorite person// RT @shannonfox Met you at early show at Zanies tonight (complimented your Cons) and found you to be awesome! #
  • Good times. xxxooo // RT @Brianekiley Getting ready to lay down some jokes at @zaniesnashville with @ChadRiden and @hannibalburess . #
  • It's 187 miles to the @riden_family Hacienda, I have two Boston butts & one beef brisket, it's dark and I don't own sunglasses. #
Posted in twitter

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2012-08-25

  • Say funnier stuff and more people will follow you. It's tacky to ASK them to. #

  • Pooning' hooters girls in their butt-holes using 911 sauce as lube. You? (@ Hooters) #
  • I'm designing the butt-hole equivilent of a sleeve tattoo. #
  • Everybody who was bitchin that "rape jokes are never funny" can suck it. #
  • A great way Improv Everywhere could surprise and delight me again would be by staging a mass suicide. That would be hilarious. @ImprovEvery #
  • I'm at Zanies Comedy Club (Nashville, TN) #
  • I never saw this coming, but somehow my beard has gone viral: RT @MattDavis: @ChadsBeard get off of my face! #
  • I'm at Exit/In (Nashville, TN) w/ 3 others #
  • "If we don't end the war on women, the war on women will end us."
    – H.G. Whatshesaid #
  • In 3rd grade, whenever somebody exclaimed "Jesus!" in class #mycrazyteacher would always say, "He isn't here and he isn't coming back." #
  • Ladies and Gentlemen meet my next wife: Maria Louise Del Rosario, the "Butt Hole Tattoo Girl": <3 <3 <3 #
  • If I can get in touch with these people, I will take it. RT @JesseIsTerrific: @ChadRiden Owning this is your destiny: #
Posted in twitter

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2012-08-18

  • Parents who park their strollers in the middle of busy walkways should have their babies taken away from them forever. #
  • "Everybody needs to quit talking about my Johnson" – Adorable, 10-year-old Chad Riden if he were here today to see Chad Johnson trending. #
  • Something tells me if anyone can take down the FBI it's a Juggalo lawyer representing the Insane Clown Posse but only if he's in full makeup #
  • Rumors from the Gathering say that the Insane Clown Posse's lawsuit against the FBI will include a subpoena of magnets. #
  • Nashville, come to Springwater right fucking now. @LandonOutLoud #
  • Fighting The Powers That Be. #
  • RT @geofftate96: I would like to have a good birthday again. Does anyone know how? // sleep through the whole thing and miss it? #
  • Some nerd just sent me this awesome link – dude wants to build the USS Enterprise for reals: #BuildTheEnterprise #BTE #
  • RT @McDonalds: Fill in the blank: This week I am looking forward to ____. // ..not getting sick because I ate the awful garbage you sell. #
  • "silence your cellphones and keep the talking to a minimum whisper" should be the rule OUTSIDE of comedy clubs, too. Shut it, errbody. #
  • Butt-hole tattoos seem like the perfectly logical next step: RT @ikpanderson @HuffingtonPost Girl with the anal tattoo? #
  • Boots Randolph "Yakety Sax" RT @JessicaNorthey:If you could ONLY listen to ONE artist/band for the rest of your life which one would it be? #
  • RT @TMZ Megadeth's Dave Mustaine Believes Obama 'Staged' Aurora Shooting Massacre || 10-4! Any word on Dave Ellefson's thoughts on the Sikh? #
  • I just got added to the lineup tonight at @ZaniesNashville with @madflavor, but you bought your tickets already, right? #
  • this guy: RT @T_Major1: Poor @floyd_erick didn't get a pic with @madflavor or @ChadRiden #toobad #
  • I'm such a fat fucking clown: RT @T_Major1: @ChadRiden and I at #Zanies #Cashville … dude was amazing! #
  • missed connection: girl at my show last night who remembered making eye contact w/ me while she projectile vomited at a @DougStanhope show. #
  • Dear my missed connection puking girl from Alabama. Please contact me – you are awesome. Lets move to Aruba and start new lives together. #
  • I uploaded a @YouTube video Carlos Mencia promo boo'd at Joey "Coco" Diaz show #
  • MT @dOHboy13: @joerogan @madflavor they announced @carlosmencia coming & the place ERUPTED in boos // I have video: #
  • Anytime I hear talk about Virgin Mary I think, "Let's get off of Jesus' mom.. 'cause He just got off of YOURS" and then I honk a bike horn. #
  • Seal Team 6 or The A-Team or whoever needs to go spring Pussy Riot out and bring them directly to my house. #
  • I will convert to a polygamy brand of Mormonism if all of the Pussy Riot girls will marry me. Free green cards, ladies. Think about it. #
  • If Russians don't rise up and overthrow their government because of this Pussy Riot jail sentance, I just don't understand people at all. #
  • 2-4 pm every day is complete bullshit and should be an international siesta time. #
  • If Russians don't rise up and overthrow their government because of this Pussy Riot jail sentence, I just don't understand people at all. #
  • because although he IS awful, he isn't as BIG of a living joke? RT @SarahPalinLinks: Why Isn't Paul Ryan Getting the Sarah Palin Treatment? #
  • Whycome every guy I've ever seen on a motorcycle looks like Hulk Hogan in a vest? #
Posted in twitter

stand-up video: 16-minute promo – 8/15/2012 at Zanies Nashville

This is 16 minutes long.. but it’s 16 minutes of FUNNY, so whatever.

Chad Riden 8/15/2012 at Zanies Nashville from Chad Riden on Vimeo.

Posted in stand-up, video Tagged with: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2012-08-11

  • I'm introducing a network of podcast networks. #
  • My network of podcast networks simply networks multiple networks of podcasts into one giant network of podcast networks. It's pretty great. #
  • apparently I've got a hypothyroid thing.. so being a fat, lazy, moody jackass ISN'T MY FAULT at all! I have a medical condition / excuse. #
  • if you call it "the twitterverse" online I will unfollow you immediately. If only I could unfollow people's conversations in real life.. #
  • Bingo licked my face, so @DougStanhope's Big Stink Comedy Tour has officially been christened. #
  • .@Amberettinger I think @BarackObama – nay – THE WORLD needs Obama Girl now, more than ever. I believe in you..don't let me down.Yes we can? #
  • Free #ChAdvice Don't shave your balls with an electric moustache trimmer. I won't go into details, just trust me on this one. #
  • every time she hears the Doctor Who theme music, my daughter @CalliaRiden does a wacky dance that ends with jazz hands. Hilarity ensues. #
Posted in twitter

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2012-08-04

  • Offered my 5yo nephew $1 to find my iPhone charger and he said he "has a LOT of money in the bank. I got quarters.. and diamonds.." #
  • .@Mtv's Sucker Free Countdown is comprised of nothing BUT suckas. Why can't a brotha get a Mtv Classic channel with Yo! Mtv Raps!? #
  • ..and me, too // MT @erinmcgown: Hey Nashville, go to Friends & Friends at @TheHighWatt tomorrow to see @natebargatze … #NintendoWives #
  • telling jokes in Nashville at 8pm w/ @NateBargatze and the @CorporateJugger guys at @TheHighWatt. $6 in adv at @Grimeys or $10 at the door. #
  • the answer is within the question. || RT @hollyamber: How could I be sad listening to Wham? #
  • ok if @SnoopDogg is changing his name to @Snoop_Lion then I'm changing MY name to Snoop Dogg. #
  • No disrespect, @Snoop_Lion, I don't want to live in a world where there is no Snoop D O double G.. so if it's up to me to fill those shoes.. #
  • I can't wait to hear ROARs from his boyz up in Da Lion'z Den | @punchlinecomedy L to the I to the O and N, Snoop is back to do it all again. #
  • Wednesday night I'll be at @ZaniesNashville with @MariaBamfoo and @JoeZimmerman – 7:30pm. Buy tickets now or regret it: #
  • It is my most treasured bar of soap by a landslide. RT @mariabamfoo chad, you still hold the only wooden bar my dad has ever sold. #
  • Endorsement: Dr. Bamford’s No-Soap™ @mariabamfoo #
  • If your idea of "taking a STAND" involves either going to or avoiding a particular fast food restaurant, you are a moron. #
  • tonight, @mariabamfoo proved once again that she is The Best. Sometimes I can't believe how lucky I am to do the things I get to do. #
  • Somebody told me last night that I should be tweeting about the olympics, so here we go: I hate sports. #
  • OlympicsTweeteroo: I hate anybody who says they "give 110%" because they're clearly dummies who don't understand how percentages work. #
  • OlympicsTweeteroo: If you do a thing over and over all the time for years, you get good at it. I've practiced being unimpressed by sports. #
  • 10) you're still married but you follow @HuffPostDivorce on twitter || RT @HuffPostDivorce: 10 signs your marriage is in trouble #
  • Chick-Fil-A Tweeteroo: if the 2nd ammendment were somehow involved, I think this would be the perfect election year issue. #
  • I dropped @CalliaRiden off at school this morning. She's YOUR problem now, Society! I wipe my hands clean of the whole ordeal. #
  • So if I go to Chick-fil-A do I have to buy food before I sit and watch lesbians make out, or can I brown bag it? #
  • The only time any sports appeal to me is when I get to see close-ups of the losers crying. Someone edit me an Olympic super-cut of sadness. #
  • Dating profiles that say, "I'm an open book! Just ask!" read: "My personality is too boring for words!" and "Even *I* don't know who I am!" #
  • if your favorite comedian is Bill Hicks, watch how comedy has evolved in the many years he has been dead: @DougStanhope is on Showtime in 15 #
Posted in twitter