Twitter Weekly Updates for 2012-08-18

Posted on August 18, 2012 by chad riden

Parents who park their strollers in the middle of busy walkways should have their babies taken away from them forever. #
"Everybody needs to quit talking about my Johnson" – Adorable, 10-year-old Chad Riden if he were here today to see Chad Johnson trending. #
Something tells me if anyone can take down the FBI it's a Juggalo lawyer representing the Insane Clown Posse but only if he's in full makeup #
Rumors from the Gathering say that the Insane Clown Posse's lawsuit against the FBI will include a subpoena of magnets. #
Nashville, come to Springwater right fucking now. @LandonOutLoud #
Fighting The Powers That Be. http://t.co/P85HgaFx #
RT @geofftate96: I would like to have a good birthday again. Does anyone know how? // sleep through the whole thing and miss it? #
Some nerd just sent me this awesome link – dude wants to build the USS Enterprise for reals: http://t.co/t13ODDql #BuildTheEnterprise #BTE #
RT @McDonalds: Fill in the blank: This week I am looking forward to ____. // ..not getting sick because I ate the awful garbage you sell. #
"silence your cellphones and keep the talking to a minimum whisper" should be the rule OUTSIDE of comedy clubs, too. Shut it, errbody. #
Butt-hole tattoos seem like the perfectly logical next step: RT @ikpanderson @HuffingtonPost Girl with the anal tattoo? http://t.co/HEsDSONT #
Boots Randolph "Yakety Sax" RT @JessicaNorthey:If you could ONLY listen to ONE artist/band for the rest of your life which one would it be? #
RT @TMZ Megadeth's Dave Mustaine Believes Obama 'Staged' Aurora Shooting Massacre || 10-4! Any word on Dave Ellefson's thoughts on the Sikh? #
I just got added to the lineup tonight at @ZaniesNashville with @madflavor, but you bought your tickets already, right? http://t.co/XALIMwqa #
this guy: RT @T_Major1: Poor @floyd_erick didn't get a pic with @madflavor or @ChadRiden #toobad http://t.co/zuBvDw0Y #
I'm such a fat fucking clown: RT @T_Major1: @ChadRiden and I at #Zanies #Cashville … dude was amazing! http://t.co/Cjhq5vyO #
missed connection: girl at my show last night who remembered making eye contact w/ me while she projectile vomited at a @DougStanhope show. #
Dear my missed connection puking girl from Alabama. Please contact me – you are awesome. Lets move to Aruba and start new lives together. #
I uploaded a @YouTube video http://t.co/xqEwtiPp Carlos Mencia promo boo'd at Joey "Coco" Diaz show #
MT @dOHboy13: @joerogan @madflavor they announced @carlosmencia coming & the place ERUPTED in boos // I have video: http://t.co/Qpw1nrg1 #
Anytime I hear talk about Virgin Mary I think, "Let's get off of Jesus' mom.. 'cause He just got off of YOURS" and then I honk a bike horn. #
Seal Team 6 or The A-Team or whoever needs to go spring Pussy Riot out and bring them directly to my house. #
I will convert to a polygamy brand of Mormonism if all of the Pussy Riot girls will marry me. Free green cards, ladies. Think about it. #
If Russians don't rise up and overthrow their government because of this Pussy Riot jail sentance, I just don't understand people at all. #
2-4 pm every day is complete bullshit and should be an international siesta time. #
If Russians don't rise up and overthrow their government because of this Pussy Riot jail sentence, I just don't understand people at all. #
because although he IS awful, he isn't as BIG of a living joke? RT @SarahPalinLinks: Why Isn't Paul Ryan Getting the Sarah Palin Treatment? #
Whycome every guy I've ever seen on a motorcycle looks like Hulk Hogan in a vest? #

stand-up video: 16-minute promo – 8/15/2012 at Zanies Nashville

Posted on August 16, 2012 by chad riden

This is 16 minutes long.. but it’s 16 minutes of FUNNY, so whatever.

Chad Riden 8/15/2012 at Zanies Nashville from Chad Riden on Vimeo.

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2012-08-11

Posted on August 11, 2012 by chad riden

I'm introducing a network of podcast networks. #
My network of podcast networks simply networks multiple networks of podcasts into one giant network of podcast networks. It's pretty great. #
apparently I've got a hypothyroid thing.. so being a fat, lazy, moody jackass ISN'T MY FAULT at all! I have a medical condition / excuse. #
if you call it "the twitterverse" online I will unfollow you immediately. If only I could unfollow people's conversations in real life.. #
Bingo licked my face, so @DougStanhope's Big Stink Comedy Tour has officially been christened. http://t.co/mSQJWuJ4 #
.@Amberettinger I think @BarackObama – nay – THE WORLD needs Obama Girl now, more than ever. I believe in you..don't let me down.Yes we can? #
Free #ChAdvice Don't shave your balls with an electric moustache trimmer. I won't go into details, just trust me on this one. #
every time she hears the Doctor Who theme music, my daughter @CalliaRiden does a wacky dance that ends with jazz hands. Hilarity ensues. #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2012-08-04

Posted on August 4, 2012 by chad riden

Offered my 5yo nephew $1 to find my iPhone charger and he said he "has a LOT of money in the bank. I got quarters.. and diamonds.." #
.@Mtv's Sucker Free Countdown is comprised of nothing BUT suckas. Why can't a brotha get a Mtv Classic channel with Yo! Mtv Raps!? #
..and me, too // MT @erinmcgown: Hey Nashville, go to Friends & Friends at @TheHighWatt tomorrow to see @natebargatze … #NintendoWives #
telling jokes in Nashville at 8pm w/ @NateBargatze and the @CorporateJugger guys at @TheHighWatt. $6 in adv at @Grimeys or $10 at the door. #
the answer is within the question. || RT @hollyamber: How could I be sad listening to Wham? #
ok if @SnoopDogg is changing his name to @Snoop_Lion then I'm changing MY name to Snoop Dogg. #
No disrespect, @Snoop_Lion, I don't want to live in a world where there is no Snoop D O double G.. so if it's up to me to fill those shoes.. #
I can't wait to hear ROARs from his boyz up in Da Lion'z Den | @punchlinecomedy L to the I to the O and N, Snoop is back to do it all again. #
Wednesday night I'll be at @ZaniesNashville with @MariaBamfoo and @JoeZimmerman – 7:30pm. Buy tickets now or regret it: http://t.co/R3RR6A0f #
It is my most treasured bar of soap by a landslide. RT @mariabamfoo chad, you still hold the only wooden bar my dad has ever sold. #
Endorsement: Dr. Bamford’s No-Soap™ http://t.co/d3ifG2m2 @mariabamfoo #
If your idea of "taking a STAND" involves either going to or avoiding a particular fast food restaurant, you are a moron. #
tonight, @mariabamfoo proved once again that she is The Best. Sometimes I can't believe how lucky I am to do the things I get to do. #
Somebody told me last night that I should be tweeting about the olympics, so here we go: I hate sports. #
OlympicsTweeteroo: I hate anybody who says they "give 110%" because they're clearly dummies who don't understand how percentages work. #
OlympicsTweeteroo: If you do a thing over and over all the time for years, you get good at it. I've practiced being unimpressed by sports. #
10) you're still married but you follow @HuffPostDivorce on twitter || RT @HuffPostDivorce: 10 signs your marriage is in trouble #
Chick-Fil-A Tweeteroo: if the 2nd ammendment were somehow involved, I think this would be the perfect election year issue. #
I dropped @CalliaRiden off at school this morning. She's YOUR problem now, Society! I wipe my hands clean of the whole ordeal. #
So if I go to Chick-fil-A do I have to buy food before I sit and watch lesbians make out, or can I brown bag it? #
The only time any sports appeal to me is when I get to see close-ups of the losers crying. Someone edit me an Olympic super-cut of sadness. #
Dating profiles that say, "I'm an open book! Just ask!" read: "My personality is too boring for words!" and "Even *I* don't know who I am!" #
if your favorite comedian is Bill Hicks, watch how comedy has evolved in the many years he has been dead: @DougStanhope is on Showtime in 15 #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2012-07-28

Posted on July 28, 2012 by chad riden

Buying me some booty shorts at Imogene + Willie's. http://t.co/RDm3RUGA #
TONIGHT! @marcmaron @rysing @brianbatescomic at @ZaniesNashville – be there or bite the big one. #
Lovin the @biscuitluvtruck right now http://t.co/EDCv1sbZ #
Henceforward I will be marketing myself as The ColorBlind Comic Chad Riden. Bookings thru @i_idiots and Satan. Thanks. #
Nashville suffers no fools. You can be a sugar-coated pop act.. but being a cunt to people is not going to fly. http://t.co/QyzoWa9T #
I'm going to the Young Buck IRS auction to bid on a blinged out riding lawn mower with spinners. | RT @NashvilleCream http://t.co/4hCcgFRt #
I need something to be self-righteously outraged about. Now taking suggestions on the stalker hotline voicemail at 615-829-6187. Call now! #
ladies, here's your next fitness fad: Horse Riding Fitness Ace Power! 승마운동기구 에이스파워: http://t.co/DFvoX7GA via @youtube #
I still don't believe any man has ever worn spandex. It's either a weird Scooby Doo style hoax or an alternate-universe bleeding thru thing. #
If you'd just accept @AnthonyEdwards as your Lord and Savior you could stop saying "Talk to me, Goose" ironically and start saying it 4REALZ #
Hey Nashville politicians, here's a quick way to get re-elected: Implement these things here: http://t.co/U94tOCCW #
. @RySing is in Oklahoma City. Somebody, please for the love of all that is holy go hang out with him. He is funny and charming and nice. #
.@realDonaldTrump stands up for what's RIGHT-people who ignore child rape, insane birther conspiracy theories and the Republicans. USA! USA! #
whenever @twitter is down I get very, very angry about it but I'm never sure how to effectively communicate that to people. #
The only reason I know Nickleback exists is because I know open micer's in their 20's. #
What was the dead thing on the queen's head? #
They sure have put a lot of effort into making the Olympic Opening Ceremonies boring as shit. #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2012-07-21

Posted on July 21, 2012 by chad riden

I'm looking for a used, mechanically sound class c diesel RV within a state or two of TN that has NOT been sitting unused for years. Anyone? #
My brother stayed up all night drinking whiskey & gave my dog Guido a haircut. It does not look good, Guido is limping, and he seems pissed. #
I wish there was a way to retweet somebody liking your tweeteroos so everybody would automatically know about our empty personal victories. #
The leaked iPhone 5 photos / speculation is all WRONG! The new iPhone is actually nothing more than a Newton 2000 with a retina display. #
In some circles, it still is.. but those people are generally fairly dip-shitty. || @BillyWayneDavis i wish Nerd was still an insult. #
Trying to start this damn weed whacker so I can trim my ridiculously unruly eyebrows. #
plucking your own eyes out & eating them RT @MTV What’s better than waking up to the #TheHills on #RetroMTV every morning? Serious question. #
Hey Spanky's Sports Bar, sorry I said fuck a lot, but.. I say fuck a lot. When did that become a rule? I love you but that's dumb. #
you guys should talk about your local weather more, that's very interesting to people around the world on the internet. what's the 5-day? #
thanks for the follow @DoctorWhoReview! Yesterday I installed a TARDIS ringtone on my iPhone but I'm still waiting for a call. #NOfriends #
My God can beat up your God. (This message brought to you by The Holy MF'ing @Chadyterian Church) #
I want to wholeheartedly thank @NC5 for doing their stupid weather updates during the commercial breaks for @Late_Show. Good job, boys. #
Do bicyclists get tickets for running stop signs? They impede traffic, don't obey the rules of the road, act very entitled & dress silly. #
I like the way law enforcement is "stepping up" at theaters. YES, that's the problem. the places we watch movies aren't secure enough. #
RT @brittaniriggin: Is marriage "still a thing"? || not in my house #
Once they get into his apartment and tell us what video games he played, what music he listened to.. THEN we'll get to the bottom of this. #
.@CNN – story idea: please interview theater-goers who are upset that they can't wear their stupid Batman costumes to the theater tonight. #
The (alleged) asshole bought the guns LEGALLY with background checks and everything SO that system has proven itself necessary & worthwhile. #
You're right, guns ARE the problem. Ban them all. The police and military should lead by example and disarm themselves completely asap. #
.@LandonOutLoud well, granted. I'm not giving up MY guns.. I'm just saying everybody else should do that. I'm keeping my stockpile. #
At Jeni's @MarcMaron bought ice cream "for (his) children" and everybody's hearts melted. [pic]: http://t.co/Rqo5v30Z #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2012-07-14

Posted on July 14, 2012 by chad riden

tonight's @nsup show at @ZaniesNashville has the best line-up I've ever put together on any show. Tickets are just $5 – call 615-269-0221! #
Now taking submissions for CHADderiffic CHADvice With CHADitude. Call 615-829-6187 & leave a voicemail detailing your problem & I'll fix it. #
funny e-cards images : facebook :: glittery animated gifs : myspace #
I've spent a few minutes arguing with people who don't seem to understand hyperbole vs 'hate speech' or audience etiquette. (as @ComedyNews) #
There's nothing more offensive to me than the uninformed, idiotic opinions of people who claim to be offended by something they don't LIKE. #
THANK YOU to everybody who came out to watch or perform or work on the @NSup showcase at @ZaniesNashville last night! Dendadaday datsalliwan #
if there's anybody at @Comic_Con willing to snag me an @UltimaForever cloth map, that would make me very very happy. http://t.co/5GkA0Urm #
OH THANK GOD, I'd hate to miss that.. #FyouFB | RT @mashable: Now You'll Never Miss a Wedding or Engagement on Facebook http://t.co/kxomBbMl #
each mention of rape makes me think about @MCSerch's proposed anti-Vanilla Ice org "Rappers Against Phony Entertainers" http://t.co/dbPicIFw #
TEAM RIDEN: abort Mission Utah. I repeat: abort Mission Utah! Keep the car and return to the rendezvous. Enjoy the road trip, it's on me. #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2012-07-07

Posted on July 7, 2012 by chad riden

if you show me your "we killed bin laden" commemorative gold plated coin and you DON'T have the certificate of authenticity you can just GFY #
Every time I pack my 9-year-old's school lunch, I am tempted to put a can of beer in there. EVERY TIME. #KCS #
The parents who have the flashiest rims on their cars are
dropping off and picking up the dumbest, trashiest kids in school. #KCS #
My 9 year old just asked me to make her a fake ID 'cause she thinks it would be funny. Probably gonna do it because she's right. #KCS #
You're right- a window decal on the back of your Kia minivan is the perfect way to pay tribute to your dead baby http://t.co/GmC09gPC #KCS #
If you think we need a law requiring our children to be proficient in
reading and math then you're too stupid to be having children. #KCS #
If your kids are having trouble meeting the No Child Left Behind
standards, it's not the fault of the school or the system. Blame DNA #KCS #
If the Chinese ever attack us and the explosions all look like their fireworks do.. I'd kinda be grateful for their showmanship. #
Drinking in east Nashville with @BillyWayneDavis because that's what our forefathers intended. Ladies? It's not too late to ruin your lives. #
Tennessee! Tell @BillHaslam that we need results & leadership, not partisan politics and kicking the can: http://t.co/5KiT6S0N #
Well, the blood test results came in and it turns out there's nothing "wrong" with me – I'm just a tired, old, fat piece of crap. Awesome? #
I was really hoping for a disease so I could blame all my problems on that and say, "I'm a victim of circumstances! nyuck nyuck nyuck" #
Not trying to tell you how to live your life, but that one should have been an instragram. || RT @brittaniriggin: This puppy under my butt? #
I wish I was diagnosed with a specific THING that could become my crusade / mission / marketing angle that jumpstarts my shitty career. #
mmm. I dunno. "objects in motion tend to stay in motion, objects at rest.." RT @ShanaKohnstamm: Could that specific thing be "inertia"? #
Has anybody trademarked "The Dead On The Inside Comedy Tour?" || RT @outlawchicken Heartbreaking personal tragedy works the same. in reply to outlawchicken #
Even the UK is now reporting on the Redneck Resort mud park back home in East Tennessee. We did it, guys: http://t.co/nJVflCjo #
Finally got a new pair of glasses. I think they look all steampunk-y. http://t.co/0OByYxiD #
Watching Le Tour De France in a sports bar. Sometimes I feel like a comedy whore but at least I don't wear spandex and have an ad on my ass. #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2012-06-30

Posted on June 30, 2012 by chad riden

I just joined @BarackObama's campaign volunteer group in Nashville because I think that's the most effective way to disappoint my parents. #
I'm in Murfreesboro watching Unknown Hinson rip shit. If I truly love you, expect a copy of his cd from me. This is my favorite shit. #
"It's a popular internet meme" is a concise way of saying, "there is absolutely no reason for you to pay attention to this stupid thing." #
I'm on the @Beardsbullshit podcast again: the "Night at the Oscars" episode w/ "Bad News" anchor @LeeRoyDiggler http://t.co/orUJXKwy #
Fatadelic @JAustinJohnson #fatbands #
Planning out my next elaborate fake-Chad-Riden's-death scheme so everybody comes out of the woodwork to support and praise my life & career. #
RT @hollyamber: @ChadRiden sorry I missed the last one, man. || Thank Megatheos, it has been archived for eternity: http://t.co/C35vPWHj #
I'll be telling funny ha ha's 7:30 tonight at @ZaniesNashville with @NateBargatze @LahnaTurner @BrianEKiley @funnymanmikej & @MontyMitchell #
if you've got $.99 burning a hole in your PayPal account, TREAT YO SELF and buy my track off the @CorporateJugger
album
http://t.co/M1UaJChI #
are you SURE? || RT @cnnbrk: Supreme Court strikes down law making it a crime to lie about military medals earned. http://t.co/Url552YU #
I took a screen shot of that @cnnbrk "Mandate Struck Down" headline if you missed it. @indecision @TheDailyShow @LOLGOP http://t.co/Ts0f6toq #
My ex-wife says I'm just like my car: filthy and full of crap. #KCS #
Groupon knows exactly what I need, when I need it. It's uncanny. http://t.co/tUaQGdNh #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2012-06-23

Posted on June 23, 2012 by chad riden

Driving home, @CalliaRiden & I laughed & laughed at @MariaBamfoo's cd then she requested I play @MarcMaron. I think I just won Father's Day. #
I texted a lady: "Yo, dis Marquis baby, are you down wit it?" and apparently the answer is "no." At what point did that stop working? #
this @AdamCarolla disputation is as exciting as the fall-out after Reggie Warrington's controversial "Women be shoppin'!" statement. #
Sat. @RealTenaciousD is at @theRyman at 8 & Unknown Hinson is at Gilligans in Murfreesboro at 10. Now I gots to find me a womerns companion. #
Hey ladies, I think I just masturbated so hard I cracked my sternum. Turn on? or turn off? I've been out of the singles scene for a decade. #
every time I see the error, "connection reset by peer" I think, "what molefukka.. had the BALLS.." #NerdJoke #
About to make our 4th attempt at a hot air balloon ride with @ColParkuh. Previous outings have been fairly disastrous, but he insists we go. #
It's dangerous flying with (or just being around) @ColParkuh but he is the biggest investor in the @i_idiots projects so he calls the shots. in reply to ColParkuh #
at 1st @CalliaRiden & I thought maybe @colparkuh was too drunk to get it up. The balloon, that is. HE was fully erect. http://t.co/XXvZ9o9q #
as we flew along, @ColParkuh tossed empties and spam nuggets overboard. @CalliaRiden cried and I just laughed. http://t.co/nW9Z7gVN in reply to ColParkuh #
Over water @colparkuh insisted we pee over the side of the basket. It was difficult to dangle a squatting @CalliaRiden http://t.co/KmrLbH8e #
Soon after we finally crash landed, @colparkuh passed out and @CalliaRiden and I were just glad to be alive. http://t.co/SZsuF0iG #
Here's a good shot of @CalliaRiden and I 2,500 feet in the air while @ColParkuh was in the fetal position dry-heaving. http://t.co/r2Wswe6T #
My newest tick bites: center of my chest, middle lower back and inner right calf. When you see me itching, I don't have fleas.. it's worse. #
Little Rock! Pick up a print copy of @SyncWeekly to read reprinted tweets between @MichaelBrown & myself OR just keep on using the internet. #
A hippie chick told me it's wrong to kill things, so I'm just learning to co-exist with my new tick friends. Hope they enjoy the ride. #
When people talk about a book, I wish they'd exclaim "Yeah! I READ it!" as if they were a shitty dumb person saying, "Yeah! I SAID it!" #
Squidbillies fans? The voice of 'Early' (Unknown Hinson) is playing at Gilligans in Murfreesboro tonight at 10. http://t.co/b1LVWxwh #

Chad Riden: comedian, nerd

America's Favorite Comedian Of All Time