Chad Riden: comedian, nerd

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2012-05-12

chad riden — Sat, 12 May 2012 23:59:00 +0000

Spending quality time adding RVs under 10 G's and Escorts to their respective boards on my @Pinterest account: http://t.co/F27cEwcg #
Some things should stay in the past and never be revisited. I immediately regret eating that donut left over from friday (sad face emoticon) #
because Donald Trump is classy and not an opportunistic whore? RT @bdonahueweedman: No way. Trump will never let such a skank represent him. #
Instead of spending so much time defining marriage, maybe we could remind people about the definition of the seperation of Church and State. #
It's discrimination against individuals. |RT @DJ_Spinja "don't think.. enter into a legal partnership just to get tax breaks and healthcare" in reply to DJ_Spinja #
RT @maryjayberger: "absolutely not to the Marx brothers"|| Major deal breaker. For real. Start with 'Duck Soup' or we can't be friends. #
Everybody who pronounces it "OH!-bomb-a" has now added "queer lovin'" to their "socialist, muslim, kenyan, n*****!" rant. #
I *almost* wish i was still married just so i could take my wife to "moms eat free" at Hooters on Mother's Day. http://t.co/ppSEz9yU #
I buzz-killed it. Sorry guys. @BillyWayneDavis @landonoutloud @zaniesnashville in reply to BillyWayneDavis #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2012-05-05

chad riden — Sat, 05 May 2012 23:59:00 +0000

Instagram of @BenGleib Instagramming the greatest @Instagram of his life. http://t.co/ZBZ7vpFj #
It's Now Or Never, @BenGleib http://t.co/t9kNWuGd #
thanks to @AliWong3000 @BenGleib and @ZaniesNashville for a fun week! #
Every "SUV" now looks like a minivan banged a hatchback. RT @thecroftonshow: Finally!"@USATODAY: Resculpted Ford Escape http://t.co/JFzY9Uuw #
That thing when you tweet "that thing when" and then describe something completely unremarkable. #
RT @AlexKendig: "never give money to a hospital. they'll just spending it on drugs." #
Every single time I Google "Skrillex" I am very disappointed to re-learn who/what it is people keep talking about. Please shut up everybody. #
RE previous 'skrillex' tweeteroo: I realize I just contributed to that problem and now hate myself even more. Don't google it-you don't care #
Nashville! 7:30 tonight at @ZaniesNashville – @RenardComedy Ron Ron Moseley @SeanCStaggs Will Copeland @Anundson & me: $5 tix @ 615-269-0221 #
I will now play "Music? Sports? Or Something Equally Terrible That I Don't Care About?" with "Pittbull." My guess is..Music? Do I win? #
I will now play "Music? Sports? Or Something Equally Terrible That I Also Don't Care About?" with "Pittbull." My guess is..Music? Do I win? #
Greenville, SC! Thursday 5/3 at 8pm @ Coffee Underground: http://t.co/JDuCle62 http://t.co/2fIWVSLU #
.@KeithAlberstadt I'm seriously considering getting an all-star cast of comics together to make "It Gets Better" videos to protest douchery. #
awwwww, no way! I'm so sorry for your loss, @Ralphie_May & @LahnaTurner. What an awesome, awesome dog. || RT @BillyWayneDavis: RIP Pimp #
Knoxville friends – GO. She's very funny: RT @aprilmacie: I will be at Side Splitters Comedy Club this Friday & Saturday… get tickets now! #
Today sucks. RIP Adam Yauch / MCA. I'm totally devastated. #
Tired of the singles bar scene? Look for that special someone behind iron bars over on http://t.co/PMzpCHiS #sponsored #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2012-04-28

chad riden — Sat, 28 Apr 2012 23:59:00 +0000

No SmartyPants show at Steve's tonight. We'll be back 4/29: http://t.co/DEMWY3ux @nsup #
We're recording a stand-up sampler cd for @CorporateJugger tonight at Bongo Belmont. 9pm! $5! awesomeness! @NSup http://t.co/d1alqwqD #
Starting a blog called "Recaps Recapped" – a recap of all the online recaps of tv-shows. So if you LOVE reading recaps but don't have time.. #
suck it, friends RT @BurgerKing Want to make your friends jealous? Sign up for BK® alerts & be the first to learn about our delicious deals! #
RE: my Recaps Recapped project. Want to enjoy tv in short form text? We'll be live tweeting as we write the mash-ups of recaps of recaps. #
FYI, we're working on automating the text to voice functionality so we can podcast the tweets of the mash-ups of recaps of tv recaps online. #
Yes! Now, lead the violent revolution! || RT @THEHermanCain: #WordsYouWillNeverHearMeSay Government is the Solution and not the Problem… #
.@morgan_murphy I've found that the more offended someone gets when you make fun of the Bible, the higher the odds they've NEVER read it. #
#FF @RobHaynes aka "HOTsauce!" who has The Greatest Tattoo of All Time – YES HE DOES – the greatest in the past, the present and the future. #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2012-04-21

chad riden — Sat, 21 Apr 2012 23:59:00 +0000

tonight's @NSup SmartyPants Comedy Show @ Steve's will be hosted by @GaryIsYou – 8pm! 604 Gallatin Ave. in East Nasty http://t.co/IiIowrXW #
Call me skeptical or whatever.. but to me, Lobsterfest sounds like a completely made-up holiday. #
dear everybody who marks their email messages as 'urgent' – they're not. Die. #
Anybody in Indianapolis have Comcast? I need someone to record my stupid stand-up set from their On Demand service. #
.@CalliaRiden is being recognized for an environmentally themed art project. [pic]: http://t.co/EtmJFBYP #
.@Ron_White please tweet "you can't fix stupid" so I can just retweet that a couple times a week? #
"Cold sore is what girls call it, Kenny. It's really herpes." ha ha ha ha #
FYI I still need a volunteer to photograph my butt-hole so I can @instagram it. #
this neat website I just found, @NSup is giving away 3 copies of @talkingpaul's new cd: http://t.co/Zfnslt9t – go register to win. #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2012-04-14

chad riden — Sat, 14 Apr 2012 23:59:00 +0000

resurrected Easter jokes 8pm tonight at SmartyPants at Steve's in East Nasty: http://t.co/DEMWY3ux #
if I was a lazy musician, I'd remake / update old r&b hits by replacing every "baby" with "bitch" – BOOM! modernized! #1 hits again, suckas. #
do it or you're a pussy. RT @Newt2012HQ: @newtgingrich told @seanhannity he's thinking of tattooing "All the way to Tampa" on his forehead. #
hate-fuck masturbation is something everybody does, right? RT / like if you're on Team HateBatin'. #
After a long fight, I'm pretty sure my MacBook is dead. I finally give up and go to the Apple store and am greeted by: http://t.co/S96REXyB #
The Fresca in my fridge angers @CalliaRiden because she's allergic to citrus and doesn't think it's fair I buy sodas she can't drink. Livid! #
Gravy-wrestling model suffers horrific face injuries after hit with monkey wrench, interrupting a friend having sex http://t.co/tj4NoTCa #
orange || RT @SWAGPI: TWEET ANY WORD AT ME AND I'LL MAKE A DOPE-ASS RAP TWEET ABOUT IT. SWAG. #
you're welcome and stuff! Wait, my love and support is like 9/11 and the Alamo? MT @brittaniriggin thank @ChadRiden .. Never forget! #
RT @SWAGPI I'M EATIN' ORANGE PORRIDGE,
WHILE AN ORPHAN'S SNORIN'.

|| anotha swag house slam dunk, dick-holes! #TeamSWAG #
Happy birthday to Mr. David Letterman. Watch @Late_show tonight to see if they celebrate by throwing AARP membership cards off the roof. #
Nashville comics! @LeeRoyDiggler is looking for a roommate – he's near zanies. cool house, hardwood, furnished, big TV w surround, yard. #
"in 2012!?" is one of my favorite lazy open micer non-punchlines. #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2012-04-07

chad riden — Sat, 07 Apr 2012 23:59:00 +0000

RT @RabidScotsman: Free StandUp Comedy Open Mic tonite @ Steve's in East Nashville! $2 Drafts (including craft beers) and lots of laughs! #
I had lunch at home with my dogs. Good food, shitty service. Didn't feel bad at all about dining and dashing. #
the guy who said he supported the Vietnam War b/c he was "brainwashed" by US military? YUP. | RT @tromney lib media mocking my dead grandpa? in reply to tromney #
I was just out in the yard for five minutes but have already picked up my first tick of the season. Way to go, complete lack of a Winter. #
Jay Leno is doing Burger King commercials. Look just go ahead and "touch" your Tonight Show money already. This is embarrassing even for you #
Do you guys have any idea how hard it is to take a decent photo of your own butt-hole? Virtually impossible. And my friends are NOT helping. #
not in MY house, lady! RT @aprilmacie: Legalized prostitution would put an end to puddin' wrestling. #
When the nurse asks you what your level of pain is "on a scale of 1-10" the magic number is 7 if you want narcotics. #Chadvice #
.@PaulinaGC I would love nothing more than for the @Chadyterian church to buy a van and do stuff like that. Let's pray dreams DO come true. #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2012-03-31

chad riden — Sat, 31 Mar 2012 23:59:00 +0000

Tonight at 8pm, SmartyPants Comedy Show at Steve's. No Cover. Smoke-free.
604 Gallatin Avenue #217 Nashville, TN 37206 @Nash4free @NSup #
I don't tweeter very often when I'm not fully consumed with hate. Sorry. I'll try to make another devestatingly bad life decision soon-ish. #
Show us how sorry you are by shaving your mustache and eyebrows off in lament. RT @GeraldoRivera: I deeply apologize for any hurt I caused #
Instead of hating my alarm in the morning, I think of it as "a wake up call for America" and then I go back to sleep giggling. #
Today I'm filming a web series where my penis sings classic rock hits of the 70's. #
trying to debate right wingers about political issues is like playing the dozens with a catchphrase comic. #
.@southworth My will has very specific instructions for a Darth Vader style funeral: bonfire burned, dressed in full Vader while Ewoks dance #
Bismilah! No, we will not let you go! RT @Wampa43: @ChadRiden I bet it does a killer version of Bohemian Rhapsody. #
My favorite old school game of all time is FREE! Go get it, nerds. || RT @KezraPlanes: Ultima IV is free on http://t.co/MAOft9ZU, go get!! #
Lindsay Lohan will appear on 'Glee' – I like it when they consolidate things I don't care about together.. so much easier to avoid. #
My ridiculous parents are coming over to infest my house tonight. They're not even here yet & we've already had 2 colonoscopy conversations. #
years ago I bought http://t.co/lqT63QZE & redirected it to @KeithAlberstadt's website. just thinking about doing that again makes me smile. #
ha ha ha haahahahahahahahahahha! "the accident was definitely NOT due to a sex game" http://t.co/DWn3aIuR #vicarwithapotatouphisbum #
.@KeithAlberstadt I don't care about sports, or things that require physical exertion in general.. especially anything that requires 110%. #
. @BillBurr you can talk about nerds all you want, this is awesome: #jediladies http://t.co/AhEqRnY9 #
your next (insert Apple product here) "killer" || RT @Microsoft: What @Microsoft products and events do you want to hear more about from us? #
FYI I'm selling real estate on his moon-base MT @anna12061 just donated 2 @newtgingrich for #250gas balanced budgets & millions of new jobs #
Watching the WNBA layup contest on ESPN42. Awesome moves, ladies. #
I don't want to turn into Lenny Bruce on stage always talking about my court cases but my HoA is SO GD stupid and I love talking about it. #
hacky comedy journalism cliche #784 story about a rich comedian with a headline using the phrase "laughing all the way to the bank" #
"to make new friends, just go do what you love to do and meet people there." so, I've been driving around while jerking off. NO new friends! #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2012-03-24

chad riden — Sat, 24 Mar 2012 23:59:00 +0000

Steve's in East Nashville tonight at 8! Happy hour drinks, new apps on their already awesome menu AND the SmartyPants Standup show for free! #
ignorance is no excuse in the courtroom of my opinion #
On my way to see the Great and Powerful @MaryMackComedy at Bongo After Hours Theater. Be there by 7 or you lose! #
$5 drafts are $3?! I'm not asking any more questions here. This place is crazy. (@ 12 South Taproom & Grill) http://t.co/ZLZ6XPGn #
hopefully peyton's plane arriving will crash into tebow's plane departing and i never have to hear about either of them ever again. Amen. #
someone just told me I need Jesus. I do need a good carpenter. I'd like to build a TARDIS kegerator. #
buy my first cd. RT “@mely1018: I just need 10 joke-free minutes.” #
He better start praying harder. || RT @Craigination: Did you know Tebow is so good at sports because he prays regularly? #
ha ha http://t.co/63TrTaD6 #
Do these guys realize that every affliction shirt looks exactly the same as every other affliction shirt? Douche Clones #
Just handed my home owners association their asses in court. Anytime you bitches wanna dance again, you know where I'm at! Suck it. Hard. #
Thanks! I love ATCQ so much. Have you seen that documentary? “@thepwashow: @ChadRiden great interview on @Beardsbullshit #atribecalledquest �� #
that's fantastic but the heckler idiots think "See! I made the show funnier by yelling shit!" (DON'T) RT @LaughingSkull http://t.co/4R0zoPjI #
RT / Like if your neighborhood association are twats that can go F themselves. #MiddleClassCoup #SurburbanRevolution #FtheHOA @FtheHOA #
What's it called when cops turn their lights on to get past high traffic areas & then turn them off & drive like normal? Aside from dickish? #
Came home to find the menopausal crazy twat next door taking photos of my yard, FURIOUS that I was victorious in court. No grace no dignity. #
She is not that great of a catch. She looks like she could be used as bait to catch something else. #
I'm using Parking Mobility to report disabled parking violations to my city. Available for iPhone, Android & Blackberry http://t.co/eVrNFrha #
If the "DC" in Don "DC" Curry stands for "Don Curry" – we're calling him "Don 'Don Curry' Curry." Everybody please call me Chad Chad now. #
cheapest booze @ the closest dive bar then unprotected sex in the car? I've been out of the game for a while RT @RySing "go on a date" means #
so @GeraldoRivera says a hoodie is responsible for Trayvon Martin's murder?! OMG, hipster comedians you betta watch your backs, yo! #
as much as I support Trayvon Martin, I'm not wearing my hoodie anywhere except in my living room when I'm playing @DefJamRecords Rap Star. #
#ILikeObamacare because I don't know a single comedian (who doesn't have a day job, spouse or tv show) who has health insurance @BarackObama #
#FF RT @MikeDrucker Changed my Facebook relationship status to "unfuckable." in reply to MikeDrucker #
#FF MT @EliBraden If you lined up every car Jay Leno owns bumper to bumper & measured how far it stretched his show would still be terrible. in reply to EliBraden #
My @Chadyterian beliefs clearly say those people are dipshits. RT @Tennessean Protestors Stand Up for Religious Freedom http://t.co/R2vQpqGQ #
BEHOLD! Johnny Q. Amish comes to twitter! #FF @Johnny_Q_Amish @PaulinaGC @CorporateJugger @nsup #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2012-03-17

chad riden — Sat, 17 Mar 2012 23:59:00 +0000

So far, this is the best #CXCW ever.With all the exhibitions & sideshows they've still managed to keep the focus on the Chads so that's good #
Tonight my mom explained to me how the people of the world hate Americans because of Barack Obama. Gotta be honest, I had NO IDEA guys. #
After 6 years of doing stand-up occasionally @CalliaRiden just had her first paid gig hosting a show. Advising her to drop out of school now #
no she LIKES school and does really well. I am horrified. || RT “@tomdelfino: You mean she hasn't dropped out of school already?” #
No, they're just trying to not poop their pants. || RT @McDonalds: Peeps R so excited 4 Shamrock Shake they're literally dancing 4 joy #
Pathetic: @realDonaldTrump doesn't have the balls to actually run for office, so he bitches and moans about what @BarackObama does instead. #
There is NO reason to reboot 'Vacation.' What're you gonna do, add some 'splosions!? Create a CGI Randy Quaid? recast Christie Brinkley? GFY #
I just read that Catholics believe Mary was NOT subject to original sin from the first moment of her existence, when she was conceived. Why? #
In a cross-over with Walking Dead, they're all eaten by zombies. || RT @jenmarcus: What is everyone's ideal ending on tonight's #bachelor #
Sadly, sarcasm is wasted on both the stupid AND Vandy grads alike. RT @CKintheMJ: And if you were funny we'd go to your shows, so… #
Oooh, blocked! || RT @CKintheMJ: Oooh, burn! #
SOME Vandy fans display traits of battered housewife syndrome when talking about VU sports: http://t.co/OLDnHHq5 :: seek help, friends. #
.@FuManBrew get on Draw Something: http://t.co/pCU0tfoA I'm GuidoDeville. #
#FUCKmusic exhibit number 12,313: RT @musicchart: iTunes #music_comedy #1 song: Double D Cups – Cledus T. Judd #
I know that I eat out of boredom, but I also legitimately feel hungry for a full meal every 2-3 hours. Do I have a tapeworm? Please feed me. #
don't you mean, "Jon Hamm points out that Kim Kardashian is an idiot?" RT @MTV: Jon Hamm calls Kim Kardashian an idiot: http://t.co/SUJ5AjS9 #
No offense, Klingons.. but a lot of your rituals & ceremonies seem pretty.. non-manly: http://t.co/wbGg5QTo Don't ask why I was researching. #
Did they "take it on" or did they put on body suits and dance? RT @Splitsider: Improv Everywhere Takes on the TED Conf http://t.co/zqucWVFj #
hope so! I'm tired of the coy pandering you idiots have been doing up to this point. RT @newtgingrich bold solutions will decide our primary #
Bring it to Nashville! @nsup will help || RT @curlycomedy: I'll be touring the south this summer with @PinkCollarTour #
will the new season of Ugly Americans still be awful? Last time I tried to watch it, instead of jokes they put Natasha Legggero in it. #
I'm not saying Ugly Americans sucks hobo asshole, I just think it's just about as funny as BattleBots was. That's all. #
Never once celebrated #steakandbj during my marriage. Today, as a single man I can grill myself a steak & that's just gonna have to suffice. #
A twitter fight with morons? || RT “@CubanBrouse: Does anyone ever know what they're missing?” #
I really don't understand the voter ID debate. Its 2012, who doesn't have an ID?! big f*cking deal, go get one! get your life together. #
My steak is just about ready to eat. Last chance to volunteer, ladies. #steakandbj http://t.co/Fx9o2qjd #
Yesterday in my neighborhood I saw a pretty girl walking a dog and got excited but then was CRUSHED when I realized it was my ex-wife. #
my friend @MaryMackComedy will be in Nashville March 19-20 at @BongoJava w/ @CorporateJugger a few tix ARE available: http://t.co/aPmjdCra #
'cause they're already fucking everybody? || MT @michelleisawolf: if corp's are people, why aren't.. on ok cupid? ..AIG and Bank of America #
OH GOOD. I was afraid they were doing STUPID pointless things | MT @Tennessean TN House approve res. calling on PeytonManning to join Titans #
FOUR BILLION $$$ in revenue last week. I'm hoping things will pick up soon. RT “@EnderBowen: Was curious how @comedypodcast 's podcasts do” #
9pm tonight I'm doing the @Beardsbullshit podcast at The Upstairs Tavern, 835 4th Avenue South, Nashville, TN 37210 http://t.co/1mXOrmVp #
When @newtgingrich says "250 gas" I assume he's announcing that he weighs 250 pounds and is full of flatulence. I was guessing he is 280ish. #
I was just thinking chess should be less sexy. TONE IT DOWN! | "Chess Tournaments Soon To Be Less Cleavage-y" http://t.co/L7LtBcpi #
You have controlled your fear. Now, release your anger. Only your hatred can destroy the VOLS. || RT “@KeithAlberstadt: I never liked u.” #
E.T. || MT @BRADBRADBRAD What are some classic movies that wouldn't have had a plot if cell phones had existed.. #nocell #
I want to hear about (see) the 'last straw' incident that sparked this | "Chess Tournaments Soon To Be Less Cleavage-y" http://t.co/L7LtBcpi #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2012-03-10

chad riden — Sun, 11 Mar 2012 00:59:00 +0000

careful, it's very addictive. RT “@jessecase: Fuck it, I'm wearing a tux today.” #
The cheapest way to whiten your teeth? Clorox. #BadChadvice #
Nashville! 8pm TONIGHT: SmartyPants NerdCore Comedy Show at Steve's (604 Gallatin Ave, 37206) FREE http://t.co/JHOXBDBS http://t.co/X1a7NRi9 #
I was just informed about some awesome Christina Hendricks photos online? I will probably not be productive for the foreseeable future. #
mine: "Congratulations! You have diabetes!" || RT “@CocaCola: Our #FavoriteSentence is “Here, have a Coke!” What’s yours?” #
I wish all I had to do was make a crappy sex tape & then be super duper MFing famous. || RT “@ParisHilton: 11:11 – Make a Wish…” #
You might be right.. now off to CraigsList to find a lady! “@superpixels: Film the entire thing on an iPad and several sites will post it!” #
easily entertained idiots. || RT “@KhloeKardashian: 15 mins west coast, who's going to be watching?? #KhloeandLamar �� #
right wing douches who have had to cut your advertising budgets: you can probably buy lots of time on Rush Limbaugh's show pretty cheap now. #
the only thing more robotic than you in person: RT @realDonaldTrump: I am honored to have recorded a robo call on behalf of @MittRomney #
Yes! Thanks for taking the high road on this one. RT @rushlimbaugh: Obama's Trouble with Women Voters Led to this Contraception Distraction #
Ever the innovators! What will you think of next? Exciting times. RT “@Windows: To take a quick screenshot press "Prt Sc" on your keyboard.” #
NO! Sounds horrifying. Can I watch them drown in their own tears instead? RT @MTVstyle: Wanna see models being legit funny? #
.@MTVstyle Cool. I'm going to need about a dozen disposable models delivered to my house. Also, I'm filming a sex tape so I can be famous. #
Nope, not unless they canceled your stupid show. RT @ApprenticeNBC: Did the right person get fired? Watch last night’s #CelebApprentice #
Chuck D said hip hop is CNN for Black America.. way to shirk your responsibility of journalistic integrity, Ice Cube: http://t.co/JMeu8qRL #
Brits seem to be WAY more into pudding than anybody. (outside of that old 'Barry and Levon' sketch from The State: http://t.co/6Rb6LPPX ) #
Friends? “@metamarketer: Ask a friend 2 describe your business. Use answer as blog post idea. Their words may match how people r searching.” #
hey friends if you have a moment please describe my business for me. I will use the answer as a blog post idea. Also, I have no idea myself. #
.@metamarketer @nashvillegeeks Turns out I don't have any friends. Do you have any seo/marketing tips for comedians who are troubled loners? #
is that a business proposal? I'm really bad at monetizing my "art" (read: crap). || RT “@superpixels: @ChadRiden tickle me Chadmo” #
I AM known as "The Hardest Working Man in NO Business" | RT “@themightychuck: @ChadRiden I thought you were in the "None of my" business…” #
I'm pretty sure I negotiated 20% and I might make @CalliaRiden mule a "commission" for me as well. || RT @PaulinaGC Callia's manager. #10 #
TRUE DAT | MT @nsup don't miss Wed's Showcase at @ZaniesNashville. @ChadRiden will be coming out of comedy retirement for this special show. #
Sitcoms? I call them SHITcoms because I'm really clever and classy and I'm not on them. #
Santorum won TN because here, voting for a robot named after poop-foam seems more attractive than voting for a Mormon wearing magic undies. #
Finally the makers of shitty knockoffs can stop talking about their "iPad Killers" and start promising to make "iPadHD Killers" #tweetroast #
DumbNorange, Tardlet, SmushSpooger.. RT “@peoplemag: Snooki has given her fetus a Jersey Shore nickname: Shortntan http://t.co/pxBTEaA3” #
ain't no party like a Windows party 'cause a Windows party don'–BLUE SCREEN || RT @windowsphone: Discover apps to keep the party going #
This is working almost as well as "999!" You should yell "2.50 GAS!" to answer every ? || RT “@newtgingrich: Please Retweet #250gas today!” #
because you are? say it loud, "I'm a slut and I'm proud!" | MT @ConanOBrien: Why wasn’t there.. controversy when Rush called me a slut?” #
TONIGHT @ 7:30 – the @NSup Showcase at @ZaniesNashville feat. comics from Memphis & Nashville & Antioch!! 615-269-0221 ask for NSUP's $5 tix #
Not until Haliburton figures out how to profit off them. | MT @foxnewsradio: Are cyber attacks the new #1 terror threat to the US? #
Spice things up in the bedroom with a bottle of habenero sauce! #BadChadvice #
Microsoft doesn't even know how to make @Windows: RT@slashdot: For Windows 8 Users, Stardock Revives the Start Menu http://t.co/LqlisYrI #
Spice things up in the bedroom with a bottle of habanero sauce! #BadChadvice #
add a personal touch to the end of business calls with three simple words: "I love you." #chadvice #
.@OccupyNashville forget about physically occupying real estate.. waste of time. take your top 3 goals and transition into a non-profit org. #
Fuck Peyton Manning. He made his millions! Time to go back to Knoxville and open a used car lot like Heath Shuler did and start over. #
Nashville's General Sessions Court makes you tuck your shirt in. As if looking like a doofus is somehow more proper and NOT half 'tarded. #
Nashville General Sessions Court officers: I don't tell you your sleeve tattoos look like they were designed on an etch-a-sketch, so F off. #
If I ran the court system, all new dress code: everybody MUST wear fuzzy kangols, fly track suits, adidas w/ no shoelaces & truck jewelry. #
civil case. I'm seceding from my HoA. They're stupid twats, embezzling $$$$|RT @giaimo13: Uh-oh – why are you in court, man? Who'd you kill? #
Pat Robertson wants to legalize marijuana. After all these years, this may be the stop where my parents finally hop off the @700club train. #
same concept, relocated to groin RT @jackiekashian: Ive been looking for the lady version of "bearded youth movement." suggestions? #
I got excited and almost picked up some hairpins on the ground in a parking lot out of habit. #fallout3 #
No. Start working to ween us off of patroleum. Stop ignoring actual solutions, you old fart. | MT “@newtgingrich: Please RT # 250gas today!” #
the blood-sucking lawyers who are in Nashville's General Sessions Court every Wed are all fat, balding/grey white dudes & HOT young ladies. #
Nashville's Court system is designed to physically keep you out of the building. They bank on you NOT showing up so they win by default. #
2006 me probably shouldn't have wished for this: | RT @TMZ Tila Tequila 911 — 'She's Tried to Kill Herself All Week' http://t.co/4B7Cl9z2 #
At @zaniesNashville @ZachSelwyn is killin it! Come see him & Jon Reep this weekend. You will be amused. #
When many singer-songwriter guitar playin dudes are rockin out they do it with their knees oddly together much more than I imagine I would. #
the MFing Wolf Sisters: greatest music ever made. @nsup @TheBasementNash @mandimon @tishimon @CorporateJugger #
Micro$haft should have named @Windows 8's "Metro" start screen something more accurate. Suggest: "Fugly" "Craptastic" "Pointless" "Turd.0" #
I'm really excited about this year's ChadByChadWest Festival. So many must-see events, so little time! #CXCW #
Gary and @LizWearsTights have suggested a new adjective. I approve this message: RT @GaryIsYou: @ChadRiden Don't forget about "Chadequate". #
As in, "The lineup of Chads performing this year at the ChadByChadWest Festival is more than Chadequate.. it is MFing Chadtastic!" #CXCW #
at the ChadByChadWest Festival it's always nice to see the old school Chads mingling with and nurturing all the up & coming Chads. #CXCW #
The ChadByChadWest Festival is more than just networking opportunities for Chads, it's really centered on the performances themselves. #CXCW #
oh no. here you go: http://t.co/hdhBEMTj RT “@CubanBrouse: @ChadRiden Is there room in this for a 12-year old pregnant Chad joke? #CXCW �� #
#CXCW attendees w platinum holographic foil laminates' swag bag contains: iPad3, Beatles white album on vinyl, copy of Iceberg Slim's "PIMP" #
Ain't no party like a @Chadyterian party.. at their all night Chad-a-thon at #ChadByChadWest last year four hookers were hospitalized. #cxcw #
"I don’t think newspapers get enough credit for their in depth printed recaps of what was on the Internet yesterday. Bravo!" #RidenClassic #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2012-03-03

chad riden — Sun, 04 Mar 2012 00:59:00 +0000

Tonight! (& 8pm every Sun) SmartyPants NerdCore Comedy Show at Steve's. Free! Tv-clean-ish stand-up + full menu & drink specials @NSup #
Totally missed the #oscars I hope & pray SOMEBODY thanked The Academy.. they're always the unsung heroes of the evening. #SameJokeEveryYear #
hey @Instagram, nothing is less "fun & quirky" than describing yourself as "fun & quirky." #JustIgnoreThisIHateEverything #
Trying to figure out what the appeal of @pinterest is. Splash page says: "Save your Inspirations! Plan a Wedding!" So.. this is for women? #
Yes. RT “@rickygervais: Can any Americans tell me what state Boise is in?” #
Exactly what I needed. Thank you. RT @GaryIsYou: @ChadRiden Here is a picture of @lizwearstights in a bra just for you. http://t.co/Z0Dh8Zzh #
oh, good for them. All our problems are solved, everybody: RT @latimes FDIC: Bank earnings hit five-year high in 2011 http://t.co/xLAbzZF1 #
hey @DreamHost what's going on? RT “@JesseIsTerrific: @nsup cool thanks! Also, your site is down.” #
Please GOD say it's NOT Firehouse Subs OMG OMG OMG RT @Tennessean: Vehicle reportedly crashes into store in #Hermitage http://t.co/NTsw3Jid #
Windows 8 is a fantastic improvement. I always thought I should have to log into Xbox LIVE just to play Solitare. Good thinking, boys. #
Windows 8 devs brainstorming: "let's make the Start menu look like you played 52-card pickup with your application icons" #
Windows 8 devs brainstorming: "We've been telling users to use the Start Menu since 1995. You know what? Lose the button. Screw you Granny!" #
Endless conversation I'll def. have with my mom: "There is no Start menu now. Hover your mouse in the lower right corner." "What?" (repeat) #
Thats weird, your mom lets me go all the way! OHHHH! #SawDiceClayTonight || RT @GrantSchinto @ChadRiden I can't even get THAT far w/ MY mom. #
Ha ha. Playing DefJam RapStar and the cops just came by the house and asked me to please turn it down. Sorry Hermitage, I gots to get mine. #
Very disappointed that "the Blunt amendment" isn't in regards to Swisher Sweets and Phillies. Get a clue, Congress. #
Time to shine, AL & GA. Do your best to make us look dumb: @latimes: New round of immigration battles set in the South http://t.co/rTUwx5rF #
Tim & Eric's B$M at @Belcourt this weekend, ladies. Who's going? Let's posse up:
http://t.co/OqG1ksgq @NSup #
Saw @GregProops' podcast taping last night at @ZaniesNashville – very FUNNY. Go see him do stand-up this weekend: http://t.co/dHOudfKz #
Windows 8 finally has a screen capture to png fxn. Finally, you won't need to open Paint and cut & paste to document all the crashes & bugs. #
add glasses, flannel and a hoodie & it's dead on: RT @michelleisawolf: "The Lorax looks a lot like almost every male comedian” #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2012-02-25

chad riden — Sun, 26 Feb 2012 00:59:00 +0000

The lineup here at the @MemComedyFest http://t.co/hLt1vRPM #
.@GerardMulligan1 I think Jesus' message was: spend our time competing to look the most Christ-y while questioning all others' Jesus-osity. #
Another republican comes out of the closet: RT @latimes Gay Arizona lawman denies threatening to deport ex-lover http://t.co/IhXPPtFO #
The Mötley Crüe KIA commercial is a new creative low point for KIA. #
come see the best of @NashvilleComedy: SmartyPants NerdCore Comedy Show starts 8pm at Steve's at 604 Gallatin Avenue #217 Nashville TN 37206 #
It's all about quality, not quantitiy. For example, see my next tweeteroo.. RT “@leslienash: I suck at tweeting every day! #justsoyouknow �� #
All morning long, every time I breathe in my nostril has been clicking. I've tried everything. Don't know how to stop it. Might kill myself. #
ladies are just like computers.. I turn 'em on and off by pushing their buttons. #
Realizing that I have an extraordinary amount of "fuck you!" in me. #
Ash Wednesday edition of Bang, Marry, Kill: God The Father, The Son & The Holy Spirit? #
if today was a football game, I'd be punting right about now. #
"Don't Say Gay!" Hey everybody look how fucking stupid some Republicans are in Tennessee: MT @pithinthewind http://t.co/d8GmbIxV #
If I could teach my dog to puke in the toilet, my life would be perfect. #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2012-02-18

chad riden — Sun, 19 Feb 2012 00:59:00 +0000

Houston, we have a problem! Ha ha ha I'm so clever. RIP Whitney. #
TONIGHT! SmartyPants NerdCore ComedyShow at Steve's: 8pm. Free! Semi-open-mic for comics funnier than they are filthy: https://t.co/vQrK2br7 #
Like @MrChuckD said, "who gives a fuck about a god damn Grammy?" http://t.co/vDiyY0OG #
Tonight I opened the show with 8 minutes on tipping your wait staff. I don't know if I should be this proud of that and/or telling people. #
what kind of people put their office phone on speaker.. turn it up, then repeatedly dial busy numbers and listen to the GD busy signal? #
it's the same people who put their office phone on speaker.. turn it up, then navigate automated customer support robo menus for hours. #
oddly, also the same people who make EVERY phone call on the speakerphone.. and have their default windows noises chiming LOUD for every IM. #
no dude, it's bad. bad thoughts. negative mental images off the charts. I'm red-lining ovaheeea. “@mattconty: @ChadRiden you alright buddy?” #
fun show last night at Steve's if I do say so my own gat dern self. I really love everybody who shows up and supports the show. thank you. #
Today is a Geto Boys kinda day. All I have in this world is my Balls And My Word. ♫ http://t.co/8Dtp0ZSy #
I'm just gonna go out on a ledge here and say ANYONE who uses speakerphone for EVERY phone call is an ass-clown. #
While I'm 100% sure that is true, I still disapprove. Frown.// RT @Anundson: I like speaker phone. The more you use it the less people call. #
Divorce day! (@ Legislative Plaza) http://t.co/rKxPlOm7 #
I am now officially a divorcee. Best Valentine's Day gift, ever. Thanks, sweetie. #
keep hoping and dreaming and looking! I believe there's an Ex out there for everyone. // RT @KatrinaLColeman: Jealous! #
every time i pack my 8-year-old's lunch, I am tempted to put a can of beer in there. EVERY TIME. @CalliaRiden #
no idea who this "Jeremy Lin" is.. so I now play "STUPID SPORTS OR LAME MUSIC?": I guess.. STUPID SPORTS. Do I win? #
.@NikkiGlaser say what you will about Chris Brown, but if he can beat the shit out of Rihanna WHILE driving!? ..he's a pretty good driver. #
R.I.P. MADman, John Severin http://t.co/MjiEDJay #
Friday: KNOXVILLE – ANTI-Valentine’s Day Comedy Booze Cruise :: http://t.co/FZEZwAFg #
Saturday: MEMPHIS – @MemComedyFest's 9pm showcase show http://t.co/4Z8HsTzG #
Sunday: NASHVILLE – @NSup's SmartyPants NerdCore Comedy Show @ Steve's 8pm :: http://t.co/IiIowrXW #
#FF “@RobHaynes: I've spent more time trying to weigh the pros/cons of which sonic screwdriver to buy, than any car I've bought. #10thBTW �� #
.@DannyLimor I'm not sure why "finger boarding" exists but I'm positive that this kid is a virgin: http://t.co/tL9STKV3 #
Is "cosign" the "This: The Next Generation"? I say "word up" | RT “@micahwhite: Cosign. RT @daveweigel: @micahwhite "This" is the new "+1."” #
"Anyone who talks bad about another comic has a LOT to learn about how this business works." – @DaneCook in @ZaniesNashville green room 2002 #
according to @DougStanhope, worrying about that means you're probably NOT. | RT “@southworth: What if I'm "that guy" and I don't know it?” #
saying "@DougStanhope has a bit.." is the stand-up equivilent of @SouthPark's "Simpsons did it!" #
Way to go, TN. MT “@indecision: TN 2 ban gay subjects in schools. pretty sure in TN, science counts as a gay subject. http://t.co/1AKgs2i3 ” #
.@indecision please know that MOST of us in TN know that Stacey Campfield is a moron. He does NOT represent many of us: http://t.co/1gVGeJDu #
.@indecision I know. I'm waiting for Stacy Campfield to come out of the closet. That's how this works with the most homophobic republicans. #
Micro$0ft is always about 5 years behind Apple: http://t.co/wlrSk0dS vs “@hackernewsbot: Redesigning the Windows Logo. http://t.co/TVgBQUF2” #
I'm giving away 2 tickets to the ANTI-Valentine's Day Comedy Booze Cruise in Knoxville tonight. RT to enter to win. http://t.co/FZEZwAFg #
I've noticed the parents who have the flashiest rims on their cars are dropping off and picking up the dumbest, trashiest kids in school. #
100% of people who buy Smart Water are Stupid People. #marketing2dummies #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2012-02-11

chad riden — Sun, 12 Feb 2012 00:59:00 +0000

if you're watching "boniver" on SNL right now you know everything you need to know about the #FuckMusic movement: http://t.co/XO4lLvMj #
#superbowl more like STUPOR Bowl #
#superbowl more like Super BORE #
It's surprisingly nice to see Madonna pretending to sing. #superbowl #SuperWhore #
It's hard to keep up w it all. I'm just going to wait for tomorrow's round-up of the best tweets about the shittiest #SuperBowl commericals. #
everybody who had #SuperBowl fever: remember to take ALL of your anti-biotics until they're gone.. don't quit just 'cause you feel better. #
If I was on camera at the #SuperBowl I would have flipped you all off, too. @MIAuniverse is one of the most brilliant marketers today. #
Does everybody have their tickets for this years "Chad By Chad West Festival"? March 9-18, 2012 – sponsored by the @Chadyterian Church #CXCW #
After all these years of haters sayin' there's no reason to practice crushing my balls over and over again while bouncing on a cable.. #
Just met Spanish cartographers who've returned from an expedition to large, unexplored regions of @ChadsBeard with never before seen photos. #
OH LOOK. Corruption, hypocrisy and doube-standards from the THP & Dickson cops for the director of Alcoholic Bev. Comm: http://t.co/Wbk0rKaD #
NONSENSE. I have a twitter account for EACH joke. Look for @CoreyIsntFunny coming soon “@reppocs: You have more twitter accounts than jokes” #
Sometimes I get recognized around town as "that weirdo who keeps trying to organize a violent coup of the homeowner's association." #
I'm proud to say I have performed on that historic old stage that @TheRyman is replacing. Where will the wood go? : http://t.co/BpC4SKIa #
wait, there are rap songs that sample Dave!? // RT “@jamiebradley: I like any rap that samples David Letterman speaking…” #
I would like to eat at Dick's someday. I think I'd enjoy being screamed at while getting lousy service from minimum-wage-making failures. #
the worst thing about dealing with a delusional moron is that no matter what happens, in their stupid little mind they're always "winning." #
stand-up comedy is the profession you seek. || “@IamEnidColeslaw: I want to live in a world where I get paid to eat and masturbate.” #
& now here I am explaining my Shamrock Shake shits on social media..“@McDonalds @BuzzFeed: Social Media Explained Through..Shamrock Shakes?" #
Hit a tree. “@FoxNews: The latest trend hitting the slopes, “Snowga,” combines the breathing and stretching principles of Yoga with Skiing” #
how could "don't bone" be a "dating" tip? c it phrased 10 diff. ways: “@700club: 10 Dating Tips for Christian Singles http://t.co/uS2miTdO” #
Succulent Salmonella vs. Blazin' Botulism? || RT “@McDonalds: Today is the big day! Flavor Battle is going down in Miami! #flavorbattle �� #
I wish you had something more interesting to say. || RT “@ParisHilton: 11:11 – Make a Wish….” #
because that cop is a dick? “@NC5 @NC5_NickBeres: An innocent doctor says a police officer used xsive force & illegally imprisoned him.Why?” #
Just checking before I put too much effort into it: jokes about my penis being over-worked and under-paid would be cute and endearing right? #

ANTI-Valentine’s Day Comedy Booze Cruise 2/17 (Knoxville, TN)

chad riden — Sun, 05 Feb 2012 07:51:18 +0000

Feb. 17th – Knoxville, TN: The ANTI-VALENTINE’S DAY Comedy Booze Cruise with ME, whores! Bring your broken hearts and your favorite beer stein we’re gonna burn this molefukka down.

Use promo code “CR” for $10 tickets (no fees).
Get your tickets NOW, this WILL SELL OUT:
http://comedyboozecruise5.eventbrite.com/

For years we have been tortured and forced into gifting by this oppressive Hallmark Holiday. Knoxville’s comedians have decided to do something about it. So for the second year in a row, we are having our FUCK VALENTINE’S DAY COMEDY SHOW! This year, it just so happens to be aboard a Riverboat.

The Knoxville Comedy Booze Cruise is a one of a kind experience. For two hours set sail in the Star of Knoxville Riverboat on the Tennessee River. The boat features two full bars and a live adult comedy show will be the entertainment for the evening. This is the BEST VALUE in Knoxville for a comedy show!

Tennessee Riverboat
300 Neyland Drive
Knoxville, TN 37902

(Facebook event page)

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2012-02-04

chad riden — Sun, 05 Feb 2012 00:59:00 +0000

one of the bittersweet aspects of #TG2EB4 is anticipating the "Black Sunday" deals when it's all over. All Cypress Hill vinyl 70% off!? yes. #
Thanks to everybody who helped make last night's SmartyPants show at Steve's fun – NO SHOW next week. Some football thing is happening. #
listening to Louis Armstrong records DOODLE DOOT DOOT has inspired me BEEDLE BOOP to scat my SCOOTLE DOOT DOO tweeteroos so BOOT DOOT DOO! #
my favorite living painter / felt artist is @ShanaKohnstamm -check out her work. I have 3 paintings of hers hanging in my house. Is awesome! #
Good! More of this, please. // RT @NashvilleScene: Stacey Campfield Denied Service at Knoxville Restaurant: http://t.co/L0pFgFAX #
Eating Thanksgiving 2 leftovers for lunch, I've decided that turkey gravy should be it's own food group and mandatory in all meals. #TG2EB4 #
yeay! I'm gonna go take a nap. My work is done for the day. // “@jackiekashian: @ChadRiden you just made Mary Mack laugh!! nice work.” #
Here's the video skitch I shot with.. RT @ScottyMcCreery Yall check it out.. I've been blackmailed by my own kin. http://t.co/Z0qRs6Lm in reply to ScottyMcCreery #
Thanks! It came from deep within my soul. || RT @itahCM "just wanted to tell you that you were great in the Scotty McCreery blackmail video" #
hey @ScottyMcCreery fans, if you like JIMMY DALE you should watch my other stupid videos at http://t.co/1KvRz3dD & this http://t.co/CGRJQuZk #
Actor Nick Santino Commits Suicide After Putting Dog To Sleep http://t.co/garj0d4A || I get it.. I felt bad when I had Guido spayed. #
yes, sir. I'd shave my face-squirrel for it. || RT @DougStanhope: Wanna suit up as 1%ers and Occupy Burning Man? Seriously. #
My favorite blogs are the ones where bloggers blog about blogging. #
you guys, @liquid_tv has a ton of classic Liquid Television clips up at http://t.co/kttFvyBH =awesome! notably missing: stick figure theatre #
Daily Show fans in Nashville! for 1/2 price John Oliver tickets at Zanies (9:45pm show on 2/3) use promo code "DAILY" owl.li/8N9wb #
Happy 30th Anniversary to Mr. Letterman and everybody at @Late_Show – thanks for consistently entertaining me for as long as I can remember. #
"if comics can't make jokes about comics, then the terrorists have won." – Dave Letterman, February 1, 2012 @Late_Show #
it's not making as many headlines but @RealDonaldTrump also just endorsed deez nuts. #
thanks @RaginTwatter Deez nuts have been polling well but I think Trump's support will swing the pendulum their way. Jump on the bandwaggon! #
holy crap it's getting serious. @OccupyNashville just threatened to "occupy the restrooms of all Pilot Travel Centers" http://t.co/CQxlNXKl #
my beard has officially moved from "adorably unkempt" status to "homeless dude 'occupying' a pilot truck stop men's room." #
#FF @sbellelauren "i bet oprah makes the greatest fart noises" #
would you still snicker when I say I'm eating brunch if you knew that in my head "brunch" = "bro lunch"? Yes? crap. #
[http://t.co/VJzHxCno]: ANTI-Valentine's Day Comedy Booze Cruise 2/17 (Knoxville, TN) http://t.co/2O2u0MKG #
I've already loaded @TweetDeck up with hilarious tweeteroos scheduled for tomorrow that say things like, "more like Super BORE" #UnfollowNow #

as “Jimmy Dale” in Scotty McCreery blackmail video

chad riden — Tue, 31 Jan 2012 03:45:31 +0000

A sketch video I did with American Idol’s Scotty McCreery to promote his ACM New Artist Of The Year nomination. DONT GET JIMMY DALE RILED UP YALL!

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2012-01-28

chad riden — Sun, 29 Jan 2012 00:59:00 +0000

last night @mybrucebruce fist bumped me and then did the double finger point. pretty sure that means I get to be black for a day (ladies). #
SmartyPants NerdCore Comedy Show 8pm tonight (every sunday) at Steve's; 604 Gallatin Avenue #217 Nashville, TN 37206 http://t.co/798p4vT2 #
My beard is starting to look like a bird's nest. That means it'll be ready to harvest in about a month or two. #
you're all invited to "Thanksgivin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo – Episode IV: A New Hope" at my house 7pm Sat, 1/28: http://t.co/q0Glp1N9 #TG2EB4 #
will you both shut up? It's too early for this. // RT @CORNspiracy: shouldnt yew be blacked out by now @DruncleSam? #
Look, you don't HAVE to come if you're not down. //RT @CecilPorter: you got drunk & insisted we act out Krush Groove "Rocky Horror" style. #
EVERY time people have mentioned "The Artist" this morning, just for one second I've thought, "Prince is nominated for a bunch of Oscars?" #
It's dumb, but maybe that's why I love the flier for "Thanksgivin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo – Episode IV: A New Hope": http://t.co/Cap42X4z #
I’ve invited 200+ people over for dinner. I hope nobody lets me down. #TG2EB4 http://t.co/9CZmOzEO #
No excuses! You're dead to me now. Sorry buddy. #TG2EB4 //RT @MichaelBrown: If I wasn't in WI this week, I'd be there! #
If someone took ME to #TG2EB4 for MY bd? OMG, guys. Best. Birthday. Ever. bit.ly/zKiqxW // RT @RaginTwatter: Its my wifes Bday that night. #
glad to see them focusing on what REALLY matters. //RT @Tennessean: East TN lawmakers propose 'Ten Commandments' bill. http://t.co/pdFwak0F #
hey @mmsgreen I've got some M&M product line ideas that'll pioneer awesome new ways for me to get fatter. Who do I talk to? Seriously. #
it’s late notice but “planning” is for ass-hats. If you can’t make it we’ll take that to mean you don’t love us #TG2EB4 http://t.co/9CZmOzEO #
The #sotu is the only show on tv with more standing ovations than Comic View. #
Did John Kerry get into a fight? What is going on with his face? #sotu #
so.. you're saying "sex dungeon injuries"? #JohnKerry #sotu // RT @micahwhite Banged up in a pick-up hockey game, allegedly. in reply to micahwhite #
Jay Leno's monologue? RT @joerogan imagine if every time you said something lame and uninspired a whole room full of old assholes applauded? in reply to joerogan #
Thanksgiving dinner is too awesome to just happen once a year. Therefore: "Thanksgivin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo" #TG2EB4 http://t.co/9CZmOzEO #
“Thanksgiving 2: Electric Boogaloo – Episode IV: A New Hope” is a very high society event for classy, awesome, smart people only. #TG2EB4 #
Listening to Unknown Hinson records. He's single-handedly making me rethink the whole #FUCKmusic movement. I might post a list of exceptions #
I'm one of the "& friends" // MT @zaniesnashville: @BillyWayneDavis & Friends: Free tix W, Th, Sun! Call 615.269.0221 http://t.co/mPJtDNm6 #
on behalf of bored comedians everywhere.. yes, please. // MT @realDonaldTrump: Ivanka thinks I should run for President. Maybe.. #
I'm looking at the analytics & I just don't believe more people aren't talking about #TG2EB4 This thing must be broken. http://t.co/q0Glp1N9 #
Judging by how my stomach feels, I think I ate your McBotulism meal. It's not good. // RT @McDonalds: Who had McD's for breakfast? #
To the people skerrrt by Facebook timeline: were you posting things on the internet that you are all of a sudden ashamed of? I don't get it. #
a PERFECT time to obstruct traffic w slave-animals. //RT @danschlacter: #Circus #beasts will be.. Demonbreun from 12th to 8th at 5 p.m. #
good show, fun times last night w/ @BillyWayneDavis @janeBorden @forrest_shaw @SeanParrott @BrianEKiley @DonniePollard and Dan Whitehurst. #
Doing @ZaniesNashville again 7:30pm tonight w/ @BillyWayneDavis @Anundson @BrianBatesComic :FREE tickets: 615-269-0221 & mention twitter #
if there's one thing i love it's input from ill-informed novices #
There's only so much pointless screwin' around I can do before it's nap time again. Time to start prioritizing my time-wasters. #
I keep forgetting to carry a flask with me for these terrible, long stretches of day when I'm not in a bar. #
I am. We're throwin down another Thanksgiving 2 Jammie Jam sat, you should stop in //RT @whoistccope: whats up boss you in town this weekend #
RT @UltimaForever: We agree http://t.co/bzyLLO2N // "Ultima: Most. Important. Game Series. Ever." #
a mass murderer who loves to hit da clubz and get krunk like a muhhhhfuh // RT @MTV: Question: Who should be the new #JerseyShore roommate? #
If you haven't RSVP'd for "Thanksgiving 2: Electric Boogaloo IV: A New Hope" – chances are you've squandered your life. http://t.co/9CZmOzEO #
RT @TMZ: If THIS tweet gets 1,000 RTs, we'll never tweet about Kim Kardashian again #
#TG2EB4 preparations have begun in the traditional fashion with coffee sweetened with laziness. http://t.co/q0Glp1N9 #
On the Chinese new year, @CalliaRiden said, "I like Chinese people. They invented sushi!" me: "that's Japanese." Callia: "whatever." #
The turkey is already in the oven. Booze is already flowing. #TG2EB4 : great MFing holiday? or GREATEST MFing holiday? https://t.co/9gXcOCRi #

Thanksgivin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo – Episode IV: A New Hope

chad riden — Tue, 24 Jan 2012 05:31:25 +0000

Thanksgiving dinner is too awesome to just happen once a year.

Thanksgiving 2: Electric Boogaloo happens at random times of the year at my house, featuring a full Thanksgiving meal plus classic breakdancing movies: Breakin’, Breakin’ 2, Krush Groove. (I hate sports, so this is what we do instead of watching football or whatever it is normal people do.)

If you are reading this, you are invited. If you don’t know Chad Riden’s Address, ask. If you have kids you can bring them.. I don’t care. Callia will be there and if they get out of line she’ll kick them in the face.

You don’t have to bring anything, unless you want to. Nobody cares. Maybe bring whatever you want to drink? I’ll have MY favorite cheap swill available but it may not be what you like.

We’re calling it “Thanksgiving 2: Electric Boogaloo 4: A New Hope” because this is a very high society event for classy, awesome, smart people.

I’ve invited 200+ people over for dinner. I hope nobody lets me down. I know it’s late notice, but “planning” is for ass-hats. If you can’t make it for any reason, we’ll take that to mean you don’t love us.

Saturday, January 28, 2012
7:00pm

Chad Riden’s Address
(if you don’t already know, just ask)

(Facebook event)

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2012-01-21

Sat, 21 Jan 2012 23:59:00 +0000

thanks to everybody who came out to @nsup's SmartyPants show tonight! I had fun. Tee-bow! T-bone! Teen-boner! T-boat! Tea-beaux! in reply to nsup #
"I had a dream, I had an awesome dream. People in the park playing games in the dark. And what they played was a masquerade." -MLK Richie Jr #
Saying you want flying cars is like saying you want a flying horseless carriage. We've already got airplanes. You want a spaceship, dipshit. #
"G at last! G at last! Thank Megatheos Almighty, I'm a G at last." – A Very Drunk Chad Riden around 4:15 a.m. this morning #
The worst thing about Huntsman giving up his race for the GOP nomination was googling him to learn enough about him to make a joke about it. #
Paula Deen suggests you saute your Novo Nordisk in a stick of buter, bread it with twinkie crumbs, roll it in lard, then deep fry it. #
@Vosij I'll call you this evening in reply to Vosij #
The #BlackoutSOPA protest would appear to have more support if we said we were keeping our stupid websites ONline & unchanged in defiance. #
what's the over/under on when TN State Sen. Richard Floyd comes out of the closet? // RT @radleybalko http://t.co/Mf0EfshK #
Just to be difficult, today I'm trying to stop #StopSOPA So far, so good. Anyone care to counter protest my counter protest of the protest? #
I've got a pretty good feeling my no-budget internet protest will be equally as effective at influencing the gov't as hollywood's lobbyists. #
Even if the entire internet was turned off for the day for #StopSOPA Congress would still be all, "wha?" #ElectMoreNerds #
@i0n1c nope, that's them: http://t.co/11xAQ0it :: suck it, @MPAA! You're terrible. in reply to i0n1c #
I clicked on the thing, I emailed the people, I reposted the stuff, I put a banner up on my website and yet here we are. What now, nerds? #
Back in MY DAY Marky Mark just danced shirtless in puddles and punched things in front of broken mirrors on Mtv. Now he's acting ridiculous. #
This is the time of the day when my ass REALLY starts dragging (NOTE: this could be posted at any time and still be accurate). #
is this what you want Dave? http://t.co/95OIAKkw //RT @Late_Show:"Tie on a sack of potatoes!" #
if hastily half-ass photoshopped crap is a sign of genius, then you are correct. // RT @gargreguan: @ChadRiden You sir, are a genius. Bravo! #
@Ralphie_May thank you for always being honest and open with good advice. I appreciate it. in reply to Ralphie_May #
Stupid mustaches are the Members Only jackets of 2012. #
Everybody who works at the 5spot looks like @seanparrott in costume as @thedeaddead #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2012-01-14

Sat, 14 Jan 2012 23:59:00 +0000

I dunno what's going to happen. Apocalypse? Plague? Marathon @DefJamRecords RapStar session that "can't stop. won't stop."? I. DON'T. KNOW. #
SmartyPants NerdCore Stand-Up Comedy Show 8pm EVERY SUN @ Steve’s; 604 Gallatin Avenue 37206 http://t.co/JHOXBDBS @NSup #
I'm thinking about starting "The Chad Riden Rebuttal" a podcast where I just respond to and refute what was said about me in other podcasts. #
well, guilty as charged. he made my cold, black little heart smile. // RT @MichaelBrown @MarcMaron on @WTFPod called you "a dark guy" in reply to MichaelBrown #
just shot a funny video with @ScottyMcCreery – If my blackmail demands aren't met soon it'll be online next week. #
I'm playing Zelda. What game are you guys talking about? #
@JesseIsTerrific the answer lies within your heart.. and this walkthru: http://t.co/yBxAqGwe in reply to JesseIsTerrific #
@Vosij @RabidScotsman I want to play Skyrim so bad.. but I'd either have to buy a new computer or a ps3. Leaning toward the ps3 I guess. in reply to Vosij #
@JesseIsTerrific I usually cut 'em down the the beetle thing. I can rarely get it to stab without flailing randomly like a loon. in reply to JesseIsTerrific #
My newest book of tweets collects all the times I posted a picture and description of my lunch. NYT best seller list, here I come (again)! #
NEWSFLASH: A Confused Newt Gingrich Launches New Ad Campaign Attacking Himself; Angered Newt Gingrich Lashes Back Calling Ads Unacceptable #
I'm only 4 sips into this martini and I'm fairly confident that I've made all the right decisions in life bc they've led to rt here, rt now. #
see you there, suckas //RT @nsup: TONIGHT! @RealMickFoley at @ZaniesNashville w "the comedy equivilent of a body-slam" @BillyWayneDavis #
YES. #FuckMusic //RT @emilyvolman: I've finally reached the "too old" part of that whole "if it's too loud…" thing. #
too bad instagram doesn't have a filter to make your photos interesting. #
#FF @Anundson: "Walked into my bank with a drum machine strapped to my chest and threatened to beat everyone up. #Dre #808" #
@MetroSchools where's the photos from your 'snow patrol' today, wussies? in reply to MetroSchools #
.@MetroSchools You're fooling nobody! We all know this is just an excuse to have a 4-day weekend. You're all drunk right now, aren't you? #
"Google Certified" SEO experts are easily some of the most unbearable people you could ever talk to or be around. I'll certify THAT myself. #
I have an announcement to make: I'm retiring forever from retiring forever. Thank you for your support over all these years, it's just time. #
Guys, I couldn't stay away- I'm back out of retirement from retiring forever. I'll be retiring forever again soon at a comedy club near you. #
The People have spoken: // RT @Wampa43 @ChadRiden Retire? You? Never! #
Everything I do? I do it for YOU. And other people. But mostly YOU. // RT @ShanaKohnstamm @ChadRiden You tease. #
@ShanaKohnstamm #JewishDisappointment Does that mean I disappoint Jews? or that I'm disappointed that I'm not Jewish? I DO have Jewish Envy in reply to ShanaKohnstamm #
.@ShanaKohnstamm have you guys ever thought of telling your old people to SHUT IT? Disrespecting your elders is a core @Chadyterian belief. #
@ckcomedy is your nose jacked up again? in reply to ckcomedy #
It is absolutely wonderful that so many Christians have accepted and now worship Tim Tebow as their new Lord and Savior. #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2012-01-07

Sat, 07 Jan 2012 23:59:00 +0000

@Ashley_Corby nope. It'll be back every week starting jan. 8th. in reply to Ashley_Corby #
Irish Spring Intensify Body Wash – for when you want to smell like a medicated pine tree all day. Chase the leprechaun! #sponsored #
that was my creative outlet in the late 80's //RT @PaulinaGC What if TPing houses was considered artwork & sculptures were vandalism? #
a lot of trannies must've misunderstood this: RT @FamousWomen be a 1st-rate ver. of yrself [not] a 2nd rate ver.of smbdy else. -Judy Garland #
#FollowMeMTV @MTV @MTVNews I can fix you and make you cool again. Not for the audience you probably want but for 36 yr old douches like me. #
#FollowMeMTV @MTV @MTVNews you may also be interested in joining the growing #FuckMusic movement on the Facebooks: http://t.co/NHpS742W #
It's all about buzz.. We've DOUBLED our likes in the last few days! #FuckMusic //RT @micahwhite growing from 1 likes to 2 likes? hahaha. #
a candid shot of @CalliaRiden drafting a treaty between The Pirates and The Robots. I hope and pray this truce lasts. http://t.co/4PcyLm21 #
If you ever actually use Siri saying, "read me that text" like the guy in the ad, you can just go right ahead and go fuck yourself. #
I totally believe them! //RT @eatsustainable @McDonalds @TacoBell & @BurgerKing will stop using "pink slime" in their meat: ow.ly/8gWgS #
..but the ammonium hydroxide is what makes @McDonalds @TacoBell & @BurgerKing so TASTY! Say it ain't so! ow.ly/8gWgS #
ammonium hydroxide! ow.ly/8gWgS I'd also like a side order of diabetes. // RT @BurgerKing What do you like to dip your Chicken Tenders in? #
.@jimmyfallon My mom used to always say, "I LOVE you.. but I don't LIKE you." Now I get great pleasure out of saying that to her #momquotes #
so many people in Nashville have NO sense of humor about music.. having so many sacred cows means you're surrounded by bullshit. #FuckMusic #
.@sbellelauren if you're living your life right corn dogs are a perfectly acceptable breakfast, but I prefer bagel dogs http://t.co/jgxpCgwd #
@itflewintheair The Ryman was originally a church.. I think pews were designed to be uncomfortable in order to keep people awake / alert. in reply to itflewintheair #
There are so many reasons to avoid Gregg Allman's shows.. getting stabbed in the face is not even very high on the list http://t.co/Jf6dIPkZ #
The McDiabetes Shake //RT @McDonalds: What’s your fav McD beverage that’s topped with whipped cream? We love McCafe Hot Chocolate! #
.@lesleyrebecca don't let their elderly exteriors fool you, the Ryman's senior security staffers will whoop any whippersnappers who need it. #
I'd rather he make shiz clothes than shiz music //RT @MTV: Can we just talk about all this @KanyeWest @Twitter shiz? http://t.co/9mU48oHF #
Exactly. Welcome to the #FuckMusic family. http://t.co/NHpS742W //RT @micahwhite: I could get behind #fuckshizmusic #
giblets // RT @MattBesser: May I have a one word suggestion please? #
WTF, FBI? Who are you threatening these days? @DalaiLama? // RT @pourmecoffee: anon. threatening letter FBI sent MLK. http://t.co/3NYDmRRG #
@nashvillegeeks //RT @nsup: SmartyPants NerdCore Stand-Up Comedy Show 8pm EVERY SUN @ Steve’s http://t.co/JHOXBDBS #
..use it to take pictures of more savvy people using their Macs & iPhones //RT @Windows: Have fun w/ your camera & Windows 7 #
..by pretending I don't live in a world where stupidity is glorified //RT @DJPaulyD: In Honor Of #Jerzday How Is Everybody Celebrating ??!! #
MIO "water enhancer" ain't yo daddy's water, pussy! MIO punches your stupid daddy in his stupid mouth! #ExtremeWater #sponsored #
@Late_Show where do I apply? Sorry, Tony. // RT @Late_Show "@#HashTag. JOB OPENING! Late night talk show cue card boy." in reply to Late_Show #
We've all got our own music in our phones. Nobody wants to hear your bullshit. Turn it off now. Turn it off forever! #FuckMusic #
When you say, "Rick Santorum wants to ban all pornography" I hear, "Rick Santorum is over compensating because he is addicted to porn." #
MiO liquid water enhancer – kool aid for adults who are still children! #ExtremeWater #sponsored #
MiO liquid water enhancer – spice up your boring water with chemicals, artifical flavors & food coloring! #ExtremeWater #sponsored #
#FF @carlos_valencia "My grandma wanted an old-timey rocker for Cmas, so I got her David Lee Roth. She returned him.. cause he was broke." #
#FF @RySing "i think i accidentally got glitter in my booty snatch. i now have festiv-ass #XmasAssJokes quot; #
#FF Dave's on-air tweets on @Late_Show "@#Hash Tag. Hi boys. Barney Frank+giant tits=big laughs. Tune in tonight." #
#FF @brianbatescomic "Happy 2012 to my friends on Eastern and Central time and happy 1989 to my one friend who's still on Hammer time." #
@seanparrott what sort of things are you trying to round up a posse to go do Mr.Parrott? a heist? Some sort of Ocean's 15 mission? Pinochle? in reply to seanparrott #
@seanparrott Lady Terminator at midnight at @belcourt? 'cause that sounds awesometastic. Anybody who doesn't want to see that is no friend. in reply to seanparrott #
@seanparrott (sad face thing) in reply to seanparrott #
#FF @patdixon "If you have to say "zing!" it was not worth saying. Trust me on this one." #
underpaid employees' broken dreams? // RT @BurgerKing: pop quiz! What special item sits on top of our BK TOPPERS™ Western BBQ Cheeseburger? #
@seanparrott he's saying go do the things you like and make new friends with similar interests there. also, BOOM. in reply to seanparrott #
@danschlacter you should blog "how to be a normal person" tips for social retards like myself. in reply to danschlacter #
I'm publishing a book of tweets, but just the ones where I live tweet some horseshit on tv nobody cared about 5 minutes after it aired. #
My second book of tweets will be out-of-context attention-hungry replies to celebrities I've never met and girls who'll never do me. #
my 3rd book of tweets: a collection of tweets from hashtag games where I changed one word in a movie title to something stupid #
my 4th book of tweets will be a touching collection of all of my "Hey look! People LIKE ME!" re-tweets of #FF mentions of me #
my 5th book of tweets will be a very special one printing all of the times when I re-tweeted someone's call to action but simply added, "no" #
my 6th book of tweets will be a collection of all the times I tweeted "why is #TrendingTopic trending!? WTF" #
just reach out and feel around until you touch someone that seems friendly. new friend! //RT @seanparrott How do I make friends in the dark? in reply to seanparrott #
Got a haircut and beard trim. Wii Fit says I'm 10 pounds lighter all of a sudden. Donating the hair to the Make A Shitty Wish Foundation. #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2011-12-31

Sat, 31 Dec 2011 23:59:00 +0000

Just discovered that @MariaBamfoo is my spirit animal. #
In her dad's voice.. whose products I endorse: http://t.co/iaudXzxc //RT @jclangdell What voice does your spirit animal speak to you in? in reply to jclangdell #
It's a play on words but don't outsource intelligence. //RT @wired Anonymous [jacked] Stratfor.. main intelligence sources for.. US military in reply to wired #
Due to my holiday schedule, tonights tweeteroos will be "previously enjoyed" tweeteroos from this last season (read: reruns). #
"If you love reading internet recaps of hit tv shows as much as I do, you’ll love my new project: video re-enactments of internet recaps." #
"For a DJ name, I’d go with 'Chad Riden' so as to avoid any confusion. Same thing if I was a wrestler or a black comedian." #RidenClassic #
..actually, if I was a black comedian I would probably insist on being called "Milk$hakez" but ONLY if I was really fat. #
"I’m already finalizing my plans to completely ignore next year’s #superbowl continuing my time-honored tradition of having zero interest." #
"you can’t teach idiots how to not be idiotic." #RidenClassic #
"I find that most stick figure cartoon families on the back windows of minivans and SUVs I see should be much, much fatter." #RidenClassic #
by keeping my library books until they're way overdue and then paying late fines, I'm supporting the public library. #INactiveism #
I dress like McGruff the crime dog pretty much every day all winter long. Take a bite out of crime.. it's delicious! http://t.co/yz2AkpCA #
I'm starting to think Congress really shouldn't be in charge of ANYTHING. Maybe it's time to eliminate them and move to a direct democracy. #
I'm not up on my wrasslin' -is it something prayers of Hulkamaniacs can't fix? //RT @superpixels That didn't work out so well for the WWE. #
Nope. #FUCKmusic // RT @woot Our.. poll today is suggesting most/all 2000's music has been pure crap. Is there really NOTHING you like?! #
.@DougStanhope tell ppl to join me in making ANTI-Newt calls using his phone-from-home platform: http://t.co/3lDiDALx #iacaucus #trolling #
prank phone calls are fun and easy with Google Voice: https://t.co/nHhmyRSw #chadvice #
.@TomGreenLive tell ppl to join me in making ANTI-Newt calls using his phone-from-home platform: http://t.co/3lDiDALx #iacaucus #trolling #
@riley_fox look: // RT @g4tv Hey music fans! Rush's 20-minute opus, 2112, is coming to Rock Band Network! Details: http://t.co/rFM1AqJX in reply to g4tv #
Due to my intense holiday schedule, tonights tweeteroos will be reheated leftover tweeteroos from this last season (read: reruns). #
"I love how aluminum siding gives your expensive house that shitty trailer park look and feel." #RidenClassic #
"You’ve got the right to believe whatever you want, but *I* believe all religions are equally ridiculous." #RidenClassic #
@NicDressel you're probably right, but I was thinking about Coke Classic or the Caprice Classic. Shitty things that were not classic. in reply to NicDressel #
This financial advice is basically "be more like Chad Riden" // RT @Ralphie_May Dont leave.. become a squatter in your own home @Yekimi50 in reply to Ralphie_May #
@NicDressel It's just another generic Chevrolet at this point. They might as well rename them all the Chevrolet Whatever. in reply to NicDressel #
@realjeffreyross Nashville checking in, sir. in reply to realjeffreyross #
ha! RT @NicDressel #Chevro let-down in reply to NicDressel #
"The more often someone says “you know what I’m sayin” the less likely I am to know or care what they are saying." #RidenClassic #
I'm fresh out. Axe @KatrinaLColeman for a spare. // RT @Anundson Can I borrow a baby? I am on my way to the "Target nurse in" # boobmilk #
SLINKY. It's time those liars are taken down a few pegs. #SinkSlinky //RT @superpixels what company should I be pissed at today? #
Despite being anti-SOPA, today I'm transferring about a hundred domains TO @GoDaddy just to be contrarian. #SOPA #NOPA #
Take me to school, professor. What do I need to learn? // RT @dragon_flaming that's not being contrarian, that's being uneducated #
@dragon_flaming I've read all about it.. I'm against #SOPA Educate yourself on the definition of "contrarian" and also "trollbait", moron. in reply to dragon_flaming #
Music is the worst. It's overrated and unavoidable. Turn it off or wear headphones & keep it to yourself. #FuckMusic http://t.co/NHpS742W #
hey @mattconty what's the shitty small town near here that everybody shits on? what street has the crack whores? where do the mexicans live? #
@mattconty it comes naturally after years and years of working the ChuckleHut comedy runs. Hey you guys are fun! Mind if I play a few songs? in reply to mattconty #
@aprilmacie I can't sing or dance. If I could put out a sex tape or fuck an old man and be a star, by god I'd have all ready done that shit. in reply to aprilmacie #
I'm going to drop in and do a short set at @jazzandjokes tonight. Haven't been there in a while. Doors at 8, show at 9! @NSup #
RT @shanecomedy: From now on, lets only RT super lame ideas! #
The Chadyterian Church also skipped Michael Bloomberg's annual interfaith breakfast Friday, but it was over a disagreement about beef jerky. #
Look, EVERY parent hog ties their infants with duct tape and hangs them upside down. It's called GOOD PARENTING. You just don't take photos. #
Grown adults actively choosing to eat mystery meat astounds me. //RT @BuzzFeed Will the McRib return for a limited time? #2012questions #
(Triumph voice) FOR ME TO POOP ON! //RT @realDonaldTrump: I'm sending @BarackObama an autographed copy of #TimeToGetTough He could use it. #
thanks @grahamgilson! in 2012, I promise to hold monster truck rallies ON my expensive yacht where everyone rides lawnmowers at all times. #
If corporations are people, tax them like people: nytimes.com/2011/12/30/bus… #
shingles, bankruptcy, divorce, happy #2011in4words #
@MichaelBrown the tweeters says I already follow you, Mr. Potty Mouth. You don't need to hash tag blue, kid, you got the goods. in reply to MichaelBrown #
@lesleyrebecca yup! I like to think of it as "rebooting the Chad Riden franchise with an all new cast and storyline." #diditin2011 in reply to lesleyrebecca #
@lesleyrebecca I still keep it positive about her. In almost every situation, if there's trouble.. the problem is me. in reply to lesleyrebecca #
@EricStangel so state troopers can watch for any criminal activity on the field during the game while they secure sweet spots in the endzone in reply to EricStangel #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2011-12-24

chad riden — Sat, 24 Dec 2011 23:59:00 +0000

Too broke to pay for a car wash? Scrub your entire car with the window washer at the gas station, then drive fast to dry it off. #chadvice #
@iamcolinquinn DIE IN A FIRE! (actually, please don't.. I think you're hilarious, but I'm positive this is the only way you'll ever RT me) in reply to iamcolinquinn #
Have a broken Thing you can't afford to replace? Go buy an identical Thing. Return your broken Thing, asking for a cash refund. #chadvice #
Don't forget to spend a lot of money you don't have to buy a lot of gifts Nobody wants or needs so retailers will have a Merry Christmas! #
Make it emulate a phone that doesn't suck ass. // RT @EverythingMS Windows Phone emulator skin switcher.. #
very few things make me as happy as I get watching Dave Letterman struggle trying to send a jibberish tweeteroo out on the @Late_Show. #Hash #
@micahwhite when he goofs the screen up and asks for help to get his cursor back in the right place I wonder how often that happens off-air. in reply to micahwhite #
Get on my mailing list NOW — you don't want to miss the latest edition of my racist street jokes newsletter. #chadvice #
I'm going to East TN tomorrow to celebrate Festivus with my family.. then our annual competition to not be the one who Ruins Christmas. #
When I die.. if anybody ever puts a sticker on the back of their car to memorialize me, I will haunt you until you take that tacky shit off. #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2011-12-17

chad riden — Sat, 17 Dec 2011 23:59:00 +0000

Every time I load my dog up on pain pills I wonder if he's totally tripping out thinking, "they all know!" #
@JesseIsTerrific he had minor surgery – wart removal & a dental extraction. He hasn't been into recreational drug use since the late 90's. in reply to JesseIsTerrific #
Good news everybody.. Google Buzz is still alive and well. Let's all get on there today and Buzz it up, for old time's sake. #NeverGonnaDie #
I went to a Vegan Thanksgiving party once. Everything tasted really good.. but you know what tastes GREAT? Turkey and gravy. #SuckItSoy #
Before I get around to Christmas, I think I've still got another Thanksgiving in me.. but when!? Soon-ish: Thanksgiving 2: Electric Boogaloo #
RT @Tennessean Fewer people went to the movies the past two weekends than after 911. tnne.ws/thDave // I'd rather re-live 911 than see NYE. #
I've got a lot of great PR ideas for @Lowes – first, a new ad campaign featuring Bocephus, Jeff Dunham's puppets and a lot of fireworks. #
I love seeing "a PORTION of the proceeds go to charity" – what kind of dick hole takes money at a charity gig? #assClowns #
Constipated? Get a #BigMac Nothing clears out your colon quite like food poisoning from the grey rat meat served at @McDonalds. #sponsored #
RT @Microsoft "What does MS-DOS stand for?" // M$ bought QDOS, repackaged & resold it.. so it stands for M$'s Derivative Operating System? #
before we burn @Lowes to the ground, make sure you stock up on pitchforks & torches from the fine non-racist folks at @HomeDepot. #sponsored #
Sandusky pleads not guilty & requests a jury trial. Brilliant! Drag it out as long as possible & put it all on tv. What could pos. go wrong? #
Will you be burning any crosses in your neighbor's yards this Christmas? @Lowes has all the supplies you need to spread hate! #sponsored #
I have just created a new list titled 'terrible_shit' using TweetDeck, follow it here: @ChadRiden/terrible-shit (seriously don't) #
Donald #Trump pulled out of the 12/27 Repub. Debate, says even he doesn't want to be associated with that living joke, Donald Trump. what? #
RT @FoxNews Will this be the first #Christmas no one gives you a CD? // FINGERS CROSSED.. #FuckMusic #
RT @ultimaaiera "I dunno about #FuckMusic quot;// The vast majority of music is pretty terrible, but nobody says the Emperor Wears No Clothes.. #
Donald Trump has pulled out of the debate.. wants to distance himself from attention whore novelty candidates with no chances of winning. #
RT @SarahPalinLinks Poll Results: Big Government is Greatest Threat to Americans// so, what do we do? bomb the crap out of it and invade it? #
@wired I can only speak for MY kid, but she LOVES her iPhone and would probably think a Nokia phone was a generic piece of shit. in reply to wired #
politicians are trying to make the internet suck with SOPA, neuter our phones while traveling.. is there ANYTHING they DO understand? wtf #
@BillyWayneDavis of course.. I mean BESIDES money and whores. in reply to BillyWayneDavis #
@Late_Show uh, oh.. has Dave started drinking again? // RT @Late_Show Finger bleeding Dude! in reply to Late_Show #
Reality show producers: I just learned from this BBC doc that Terminator X left Public Enemy to run a North Carolina ostrich farm. #GetOnIt #
History will judge if "history will judge" is a valid excuse for doing really terrible things to other human beings in the pursuit of money. #
RT @BarackObama Who inspires you to give to the #Obama2012 campaign? OFA.BO/kh45zL //Nearly every Republican who opens their mouth to speak #
@YoungLionSODMG I knew you'd like that one. Don't eat at #WackArnolds errbody. in reply to YoungLionSODMG #
RT @McDonalds "5 Egg McMuffins, 4 Happy Meals, 3 French Fries, 2 Apple Pies…" // ..and a lipitor perscription for the rest of your liiife. #
@APShaya I use @waze on my iPhone mounted on my dash for navigation. Would it be better if I was holding a paper map while driving? #
"LORD please let @realDonaldTrump spend $1 B on an election campaign this year." -Every late night tv show monologue joke writer #LivingJoke #
I really want to get my white friends together to celebrate Kwanzaa. We've stolen everything else from black people.. why not this? #
RT @GregFitzShow My mom just went to Abercrombie & Fitch.. She told me that she asked them to turn the music off.// Good for her! #FuckMusic #
RT @DanaJGould Christ..sent..to take away the sins of the world. ..your uncle would like a wet vac// ..to clean up the evidence of HIS sins #
RT @McDonalds How can we put our mktg efforts to inform kids on making smart nutrition choices?// Tell them to avoid your fast food & sodas. #
@aprilmacie start a podcast or webseries doing it. #GetAprilMacieToHostAShowAboutSex (I said "doing it") in reply to aprilmacie #
RT @Late_Show Dude: You"re awesome!! CALL!! // thanks, Dave! I keep trying to call but Art won't put me thru to the desk at home base. #
@JimmyFallon I'm pretty sure this is for you. Dave doesn't understand how to tweeter you. // RT @Late_Show: Dude: You"re awesome!! CALL!! #
RT @realDonaldTrump Iran.. Imagine what they will do with nukes?! // what everybody else does – wave them at the world like a phallic threat #
RT @SarahPalinLinks "Diomede, Alaska, Where Sarah Palin Can WALK to Russia// I'll give @sarahpalinusa ALL my money if she does & STAYS there #
.@KourtneyKardash : Most Fascinating People of 2011 :: poop : a wonderful Christmas present for your most cherished friends and family #
RT @ablackcurse Holy shit @chadriden is at foobar #fastraintoaersomeville // good to see you buddy. Foobar on weds is awesome errbody. #
@grahamgilson thanks for coming to the show, man.. that was fun. @NSUP FTW in reply to grahamgilson #
RT @realDonaldTrump "Iran's nuclear program must be stopped" #TimeToGetTough // demand to see their birth certificates. That'll show 'em! #
RT @McDonalds Morning, tweeps! How is everyone feeling today? // UGH, not too good.. I think I accidentially ate a McShitYourPants. #
RT @iamdiddy Behind the Scenes of Ciroc 'Art of Celebration' Commercial bit.ly/rz1B2bç // I'll bet this video gives @RalphieMay a headache. #
@lizwearstights I'm sure it happened somewhere between the pool table exercises and @SeanParrott's lap dance. Good times. in reply to lizwearstights #
Background dancers with record deals. Beauty pageant contestants who can't sing. Modern day Sir Nose DeVoidOfFunk's, every one. #FuckMusic #
Churchy people seem to have forgotten that Jesus always gave FREE healthcare to EVERYBODY who wanted it. YOU whine about socialism. WWJD? #
@VeryAverageJoe that was directed @ Churchy people who *claim* to care about Jesus but seem to have missed the point of everything he said. in reply to VeryAverageJoe #
Just to clarify, I firmly believe all organized religions are equally wrong. Except The Holy @Chadyterian Church. http://t.co/j7qMHsoy #
Yes, Dave, both hangin' AND bangin'. Shoutout to @WahooMike. What What? // RT @Late_Show Hash Tag. S'up boys? hangin' and bangin?, #
@Late_Show while Dave is on the line, can I formally request the return of Viewer Mail? (and Pea-Boy.. or is that pressing my luck?) in reply to Late_Show #
@chadwoo124 Warped, how? I pay into the system, how am I using other people's money? in reply to chadwoo124 #
@DaninChucktown I'm not asking for socialism. I want a healthcare system that benefits patients NOT the insurance & pharmaceutical companies in reply to DaninChucktown #
@peterdepp you're an adult, buy your own iPad2. You sound like an older, thinner, Jewish Eric Cartman. in reply to peterdepp #
@beersnobrob HA! feeling all right. Do I sound break-down-y or somethin'? I'm doing good & stuff. What warning signs should I be looking for #
@chadwoo124 do I do that? I don't remember supporting murder. Mercy killings, yes. Bombing countries of brown people, sure.. but MURDER!? NO in reply to chadwoo124 #
@chadwoo124 were you say "supports murder" are you talking about executing criminals? I'm not sure what argument you want to have. in reply to chadwoo124 #
@beersnobrob OOOOoohhhh, I'm still in TN. NY move postponed while I get my divorce on like Donkey Kong. in reply to beersnobrob #
studio gangstas #FuckMusic #
@KimKardashian beautiful! When I see a pink orb with "KK" & "Kim Kardashian" scrawled on it I think "Christmas IS here." #GodBlessUsEveryOne in reply to KimKardashian #
RT @ultimaaiera Jesus also didn't need other people's tax dollars.. // He STILL doesn't. Stop giving money to these churches, everybody. #
watch @YoungJeezy's "band" (a dj, a drummer and 2 hype men pretending to play guitar) on @Late_Show: http://t.co/akSxUxSk #FuckMusic #
#FF @BRADBRADBRAD: "I hate the way SOME PEOPLE talk smack about some people on twitter but are too cowardly to call them by name." #
The Death Penalty: WWJD? (video) http://t.co/I8dM8qum #
I think Saturdays should be reserved for all the RT'ing of #FF #039;s. Let's keep Fridays clean and classy, guys. #
RT @giaimo13 Good sir, woudst thou regale us with a tale? #cleanFridays // Once I camped out in NYC's Central Park for 4 days/nights.. #
RT @giaimo13 Astounding! John Lennon festival? // nope, poor ass Eagle Scout trying to spend 0 dollars in the big city about 10 years ago. #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2011-12-10

chad riden — Sat, 10 Dec 2011 23:59:00 +0000

The SmartyPants NerdCore Comedy Show will start at 8:30 tonight @ Steve's on Gallatin Pike. http://t.co/3BsV5SNJ happy hour specials galore! #
The official reason @CalliaRiden was late to school this morning: "a mean time traveler took us 5 min. into the future!" sorry @MetroSchools #
we could totally be best friends//RT @DianneGallagher All I want for Christmas is Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol. I'm not even kidding #
@ryanwilliams718 You're an adult why are you eating at Wendy's? was McDonald's out of happy meals? Burger King didn't have the toy you want? in reply to ryanwilliams718 #
@ryanwilliams718 GDit, you're doing it wrong. Where you typed "something something something" is where you're supposed to type funny things. in reply to ryanwilliams718 #
the Jokers Network can't play Leno reruns – they're offensively not funny // RT @iamcolinquinn JOKERS NETWORK: WE'RE FUNNY BUT…NO OFFENSE! #
my daughter is "Top Frog of the week" in her classroom which means I'm terribly inconvenienced every day doing some random shit for the kids #
At @CalliaRiden's class musical performance.. Some of these third graders have terrible mic technique. Come on kids, step it up. #
completely non-shocking confession: I used to watch The WB's "7th Heaven" in the hope Jessica Biel's character would do something naughty. #
Dear Duggar family: at this point, your miscarriage is the most subtle message the universe could possibly have sent you. #GetNeutered #
@giaimo13 I haven't seen it.. but I'll bet it does look more like a clown car than a vagina at this point. #Duggar #GetNeutered in reply to giaimo13 #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2011-12-03

chad riden — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 23:59:00 +0000

As much as I appreciate suggestions from @Amazon, I'm not buying a Toilet Mug. Gross. http://t.co/aRJ2FOrc http://t.co/yDnXwG3v #
I just found this neat website: NashvilleStandUp.com @nsup //RT @KatrinaLColeman Randall Holcomb has moved.. How can he get openmic info? in reply to KatrinaLColeman #
my 8 1/2 year old @CalliaRiden just asked me to make her a fake ID 'cause she thinks it would be funny. Probably gonna do it 'cause she's rt #
hey @Merrillmarkoe you were funny on @TheDailyShow tonight. Anybody who doesn't buy your book is a maroon: http://t.co/lJdwK8WH in reply to Merrillmarkoe #
RT @KatrinaLColeman So much for a personal touch.//Sorry, no personal touching from me. @SeanParrott might be more touchy feely (I doubt it) in reply to KatrinaLColeman #
@seanparrott I'm not sure but I think @katrinalcoleman wants us to personally touch Randall Holcomb. I think she thinks we're into dudes? in reply to seanparrott #
RIP, RIP. You were a good acronym and were much loved. My thoughts are with your family. #DeadHomiez #
my interest levels are at a record low- quickly nearing the red zone. doubling my regular M&M intake for the next hour, hoping to stabilize. #
Prayer people: what exactly are you supposed to pray about "for" someone who is already dead? best case scenario, what happens? #RIP #
the best way to avoid taxes and bullshit from banks: //RT @nprnews: Modern Greeks Return To Ancient System Of Barter http://t.co/eOGNuPgy #
@g4tv: "What's a zombie's favorite FOOD?" // On my computer they eat plants that don't shoot projectiles fast enough. in reply to g4tv #
@KatrinaLColeman nuh-uh! you are. in reply to KatrinaLColeman #
listen to @BillBurr talk about morons buying shit on Black Friday: http://t.co/k22jmAUN #
prove it. // RT @KatrinaLColeman I'm not the one afraid to blow a guy. #
iron-clad weight-loss advice from @Ralphie_May, guys: "Walk! Don't eat fried stuff don't drink calories, don't eat anything white" #yup #
@seanparrott I don't know, but I am scared. FB says he's an orthodontist ? & @KatrinalColeman seems to want us to be gay with him? confused in reply to seanparrott #
@KatrinaLColeman I've never trusted anything @reppocs has said and I'm not going to start now. There's something shifty about him. in reply to KatrinaLColeman #
@ultimaaiera if the reason is because of something a 13th century priest thought that's pretty much the only explanation I think I need. in reply to ultimaaiera #
stop! hey, what's that sound? //RT @CNN: Occupy update – 200 arrested in Los Angeles, 50 arrested in Philadelphia: http://t.co/gfdrgqVy #
@ultimaaiera wow, that's over 7,200 words long.. I was kinda hoping to hear it in 140-characters or less. I'm going to pray for brevity. in reply to ultimaaiera #
I wish my color-blindness qualified me for disability & a parking tag.. right now it's just an excuse for why I can barely dress myself. #
If politicians had to live like monks in poverty and anonymity nobody who is currently in office would still want to do it. #ThatsTheProblem #
OK OK! Tell him to go to Steve's on Sundays at 8. That's the new @nsup / @NashvilleComedy show / hangout for the cool kids. #
@KatrinaLColeman OK OK! Tell him to go to Steve's on Sundays at 8. That's the new @nsup / @NashvilleComedy show / hangout for the cool kids. in reply to KatrinaLColeman #
@giaimo13 My biggest trouble is the booze. I'll eat healthy all day and then drink myself right back to soopa-fatty status. in reply to giaimo13 #
@DJ_Spinja good tip! I'm not THAT color-blind but I'm pretty sure cops don't have a field test for that. #suckas in reply to DJ_Spinja #
@DannyLimor I cried actual tears 3 times and laughed like a loon the rest of the movie. #TheMuppets should get every Oscar they give out. in reply to DannyLimor #
@superpixels Apple just declared @ChadRiden "the official nerd comedian of choice for Apple fanboys" #BREAKINGnews #BeAnEarlyAdopter in reply to superpixels #
@memphisk8 Awesome, I'll have my people send you the paperwork. By "my people" of course, I mean my spambots. in reply to memphisk8 #
#StonerAffirmations RT @mattwardcomedy: @superpixels shit i forget the stuff i riff on lol #
@DannyLimor wanna go see #TheMuppets again this weekend? we could posse up the homiez and bumrush the show. in reply to DannyLimor #
people don't really say 'the r word' do they? that can't be real. // RT @BillyWayneDavis The R word is retarded. #
@BillyWayneDavis of course. i keep forgetting how stupid everybody is. if only we hadn't childproofed the world & protected each snowflake. in reply to BillyWayneDavis #
@BillyWayneDavis woah, whiskey.. I got yer snowman right here: http://t.co/eh04tp0w in reply to BillyWayneDavis #
much like myself, @DougStanhope hates music and talks about it on @JoeRogan's podcast. listen in: http://t.co/MLXbqanj #
#FF @PatDixon & @nyccrimereport: "New ep: A family dresses up a dead fetus like a little person and mourns it. http://t.co/427KWIhs " #
my daughter @CalliaRiden made a Chad Riden beard & mustache out of paper so she could mock me more effectively. http://t.co/sXAmM9Fg #
help stop SOPA (one of the stupidest things the morons in Congress have ever tried to fumble into law): 888-907-4136 or http://t.co/n2ZaMpuX #
of all the golden age hip hop slang/phrases, "you can get the bozack" is the most criminally under-used today. #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2011-11-26

chad riden — Sat, 26 Nov 2011 23:59:00 +0000

wish i could embed a Nelson "ha ha!"// RT @KeithAlberstadt I'm a clean comic-I'm still so fucking mad about the fucking @VandyFootball game. #
Zelda day! (@ Gamestop) http://t.co/MPAEqxZi #
8pm Free Comedy at Steve's (604 Gallatin) in East Nashville. Happy hour specials: $2 beers, 2-for-1 wells $4 wine! http://t.co/798p4vT2 #
The only way the new Zelda could be awesomer is if this tv was bigger and closer to my face. #
Well, I LOVE YOU, @KeithAlberstadt.. no matter how twisted and evil your mind has become by staring into the abyss that is @VandyFootball #
I don't smoke anymore but I still step outside every 30 minutes for fart breaks. #
@KANGraps check @JAustinJohnson yo, he done been dropping ill #DomesticRapper rhymes all up in yo mug son #what #what #NoSeriouslyWhat #
@kangraps get yo buddy crap-rappin shoes on son, we'z about to go toe to toe / yo rhymes is so dead you best be sprayin em wit miracle grow in reply to kangraps #
@bdonahueweedman Zelda is a princess in @NintendoAmerica games http://t.co/fzEHgMG6 and/or Robin Williams' daughter http://t.co/RufvkdgN in reply to bdonahueweedman #
Let's kill two birds & send @ucdavis' Linda P.B. Katehi to @penn_state so she can pepper spray all the morons who support Joe Paterno. #
RT @RockofKarma Guess who the real morons are? // your three followers? #
people say these single-cup coffee makers are good but are they 'good' good? or 'better than the crap we used to have at work' good? #
@MariaBamfoo RT "@karentvchick I would give $1 billion to see the Black Friday @Target lady in an SNL cameo with Kristen Wiig"s Target Lady" #
@iamcolinquinn YO man, how come you ain't got no pictures of Adam West on the wall? http://t.co/ZyFIkiOR #DoTheRobinThing in reply to iamcolinquinn #
i generally get holiday depression, but if I'm experiencing that now I can't tell the difference between that and my normal daily malaise. #
RT @wired Desert island. 3 possessions. They may not possess circuitry or be a weapon. What are they? // flint/steel, saw, bucket in reply to wired #
was just on @WSMV, spouting my liberal propaganda while eating Thanksgiving with @OccupyNashville.Thanks for not editing me to sound stupid. #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2011-11-19

chad riden — Sat, 19 Nov 2011 23:59:00 +0000

standby for a new wave of sex toys, weirdos. // RT @slashdot Scientists Develop Super-Slippery Material bit.ly/vLbQJR #
TONIGHT @ 9pm @CorporateJugger Presents: @RoryScovel at @BongoJava http://t.co/AmsmTFnC !!buy tix online in advance.. this WILL sell out!! #
http://t.co/VJzHxCno: Dad gets a perm (What did my dad look like with Richard Simmons' hair? Cue sloppy photoshop job.) http://t.co/oRsm1SPM #
@TheRealKristi he definitely thought he was big pimpin' #DadFro http://t.co/RM5Mr4t5 in reply to TheRealKristi #
@giaimo13 no idea about @ConanOBrien / @TeamCOCO. In MY opinion there should be a @RoryScovel channel running all Rory all the time 24/7/365 in reply to giaimo13 #
this morn. @CalliaRiden heard Sandusky deny the charges on the radio and said, "If I ever met him.. well, I'm just glad I know the F-word." #
So to get a divorce, apparently I have to take a $40 4-HOUR parenting class. Fine. Immediately following will be my totally FREE GFY class. #
Let's just change the official name for "Credit Card CVV" to "(that stupid number on the back of the card)." #
go listen to @merrillmarkoe on @marcmaron's @WTFpod – brilliantly funny lady whose work in late night tv inspired a generation of comedians. in reply to marcmaron #
@radleybalko if OWS protests are "a little late," what do you suggest people do instead to be more effective? #
@seanparrott I think they keep production going full steam so they have enough fake meat stockpiled for next time the #McRib is "back." in reply to seanparrott #
oh no! Would-be assassin Oscar Ramiro Ortega has a beard. Will this affect MY beards popularity in the polls? Let's all pray together. #
#FF @shanecomedy One thing I've learned from puking is how little I chew. in reply to shanecomedy #
#FF "@TheKennyRogers Ryan Seacrest is pregnant. #spoileralert quot; in reply to TheKennyRogers #
#FF "@CORNspiracy Burn them corn fields and don't plant no more! Corn is conspiring to make us all fat slaves! It's a gat dern CORNspiracy!" in reply to CORNspiracy #
#FF "@brianbatescomic The best thing about the NBA lockout is no NBA games." in reply to brianbatescomic #
#FF "@CalliaRiden my new YouTube video: The Girl That Did Impressions Of Her Grandparents http://t.co/b3pYrsca " in reply to CalliaRiden #
#FF "@GaryIsYou When I was a fetus I was really into pregnant chicks." in reply to GaryIsYou #
#FF "@DougStanhope Whoever filled my shower w 10 yr old boys – haha, real funny. real topical. Now get em out. I got grout work to do." in reply to DougStanhope #
#FF "@Anundson NBA lockout will not be resolved until owners and players agree to let the Harlem Globetrotters in the league. #meadowfart quot; in reply to Anundson #
RT @HuffPostComedy Why you should just unfriend everyone on Facebook huff.to/shEymC :: BIZ MARKIE sings "Just UNfriend on Kimmel!! yeay #
any broadcaster who uses the phrase "talking turkey" on the air over the next few weeks should be fired on the spot, on the air. #stop #

Dad gets a perm

chad riden — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 05:28:17 +0000

I don’t know what made me think of this today, but sometime in the early 80’s my dad got a perm. He came home with his hair afro’d up and said, “isn’t this COOL!?”

“No, dad.” We said. “You look like Richard Simmons.”

Dad laughed and kept right on thinking he’d really nailed it. Once he has made his mind up, there’s no telling him any different. I don’t know what inspired him to get a perm. I just remember thinking, “what a goof.” It was the one and only time he did anything different with his hair, but it certainly wasn’t the first or the last time my dad missed the mark on cool.

I don’t know if a picture of this exists, but if one does my mom has it in some scrapbook somewhere. If I ask her to check through her archives, it will only validate and encourage her hoarding, and nobody wants that. Instead, I Photoshopped my dad’s current Facebook profile image onto a Richard Simmons photo. You’ll just have to imagine my dad 30 years younger, grinning ear to ear and not wearing a very gay tank top.

Dad gets a perm (digital artist's rendition)

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2011-11-12

chad riden — Sat, 12 Nov 2011 23:59:00 +0000

I normally hate the “fall back” time change but I’ve been looking forward to this one forever – now the clock in my car is right again.#lazy #
Two different people have mentioned jizz in txts to me today. So if you’ve been planning to send a jizz-related txt, you’ve got competition. #
NOTE: I did not use the phrase “stiff competition” in my previous tweeteroo about jizz because I like to keep it classy. #
thanks to everybody who came out to perform on and support @NSup‘s SmartyPants Show at Steve’s – see you next Sunday at 8pm. #
@kangraps nobody has ever given you $150. hey heads up, table 12 wants their appetizers and is needs refils on their drinks.. chop chop. #
@kangraps “rap all day?” more like rap all GAY. flappin your clap trap, bustin weak ass raps.. like taking verbal craps. #TEAMSWAG #
@kangRAPS gay people ARE cool, but your rhymes suck their dicks.. like the restaurant you work at, serving drinks to tourist chicks. in reply to kangraps #
@kangRAPS saying you “won” doesn’t mean that it’s true. You say you’re a comic but audiences say BOOOOOOO! in reply to kangraps #
@KangRAPS rap rap rap. rappity rapp rap. rip rop rippity roo! scoot doot doodle-dee doot dop dippity doo. Nonsense is still better than you. #
RT @themightychuck Please tell me that’s his real account. I can’t take the disappointment. // either way, you WILL be disappointed. #
I have a lunch date with @CalliaRiden today. Her class eats at 1:15pm. Who eats that late!? @MetroSchools needs to add a brunch. #hungry #
I’ve found the perfect way to unload halloween candy & turn a nice profit by selling lollipops to stupid people: http://t.co/DKLRWN1i #
@metroSchools serves this weird lump of goo and calls it “pizza.” #NoChildLeftBehind http://t.co/Bt0XLko6 #
RT @Kurt_Vonnegut Evolution is so creative. That’s how we got giraffes. // ..and, ironically, creationists. There’s always an ugly side. #
don’t hate the player, hate the game.//RT @Anundson Why is Gruden constantly telling me I have to give credit to a player. I ain’t titlemax. in reply to Anundson #
@JenKirkman I’ve wanted to do a tour of prisons since hearing Johnny Cash’s At Folsom Prison. I’m just worried abt building a fan base there in reply to JenKirkman #
what is it, subtle hints of tanning spray and jizz? #snooki // RT @HuffPostComedy Who wants to smell like Snooki? huff.to/vOS8C9 #
of all the superfluous pontifications tweetered today, @NickFlora‘s demonstrate the most fortitude of any baby daddy I know. #sponsored #
RT @Tennessean 200,000 rounds of #Memphis Police ammo missing. tnne.ws/rYsyPc // It’s MEMPHIS! I’m sure a good samaritan will turn it in. #
I just pledged to support @treymc‘s film fest run @kickstarter project.. you should too! kck.st/uZkcvk #nashville #film #awesome #doit #
@bestpartpro it is my pleasure to support things that are awesome. in reply to bestpartpro #
Who gives a crap about the Emergency Alert System? After decades of pointless interruptions of my favorite tv shows, they’ve never used it. #
ATTN: all rappers (and anyone else, for that matter) who “can’t stop” and/or “won’t stop.” Please reconsider. #
.@g4tv I majored in b’casting hoping that someday YOU would exist so I could get paid to joke around with hot nerd chicks on tv. make it so. #
Last night at LaHa The Walrus talked about me & @NSup & @NashvilleComedy a little bit.. http://t.co/9Ns312Wi #
Want free tickets? http://t.co/jcbHgksa (@ Morty’s Comedy Joint) http://t.co/sMKOC0d3 #
Downloading the Love’s truck stop “ultimate drivers’ app” so I can keep up with my reward points and know when I’ve earned a free shower. #
I’m re-framing my soul crushing failed marriage and divorce as “rebooting the Chad Riden franchise with an all new cast and storyline.” #
@carynloveless I’m not sure exactly what you mean by saying that but I like it. Stop by craft services and try the pumpkin bars. in reply to carynloveless #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2011-11-05

chad riden — Sat, 05 Nov 2011 22:59:00 +0000

uh-oh. @DruncleSam has already been spotted stumbling around Hermitage. I hope he stays out of trouble. Please NOBODY give him any booze. #
You guys can say whatever you want about Kim Kardashian but I think EVERY marriage should only last about 72 days. #
RT @leslienash @ChadRiden score? // no, I didn't.. but thanks for asking. #
I've been in costume as @druncleSam all day – @CalliaRiden just told me I look like "a flag puked on you." #
Anybody dumb enough to eat a #McRib deserves exactly what they get. Could I get my azodicarbonamide on the side? http://t.co/QnuP63cq #
@WahooMike my brother knows some little kid named "DaMillion" (for one in a million) & thought "what an insult! DaGoogolplex = way better." in reply to WahooMike #
My beard is teetering between the "unruly" and "disgusting" phases of growth. I'm on target to hit "get away from my children!!" any day now #
@BillyWayneDavis make sure there's black people in the background and non-magical panty-lines. #NotMormon in reply to BillyWayneDavis #
@marcmaron try feeding the racoons M&M's and bananas. They'll eat both and it's pretty funny to watch. in reply to marcmaron #
I just had a stupidly small Halloween loot @Snickers that contained nary a peanut. "Packed" it was NOT. I am very disappointed. #BOO #
@seanparrott I can't forgive you this time, Parrott. Consider it "on like Donkey Dong." #RidenVsParrott in reply to seanparrott #
.@seanparrott I can't forgive you this time, Parrott. Consider it "on like Donkey Dong." #RidenVsParrott in reply to seanparrott #
Lets get Loyded! I love this place. (@ Music City Bar and Grille) http://t.co/KFjpPDqq #
.@seanparrott the only thing I'm "occupying" is a soft spot in everybody's hearts. 'cause I'm god damn adorable. #RidenVsParrott in reply to seanparrott #
I plan on counter-protesting the Vandy Republican Trust Fund Club's counter-protest of @OccupyNashville http://t.co/23E6SLnI #
..and I think @BradBradBrad will be counter-protesting my counter-protest.. and maybe @SeanParrott will counter-protest his counter-protest. #
1969 video of Jim Henson teaching how to make your own puppets, using household items: http://t.co/Nr6fx8Yi // follow @MuppetsStudio #
back in 97 or 98 my girlfriend's family mockingly called me "Chad Riden Dot Com" because I was the only person they knew who had a website. #
Who's laughing NOW, ex-girlfriend's family!? #
Who's laughing NOW, ex-girlfriend's family!? (nobody) #
I want a dry erase board protest sign so I can change the object of my outrage mid-protest. #OccupyOccupy #
@Ralphie_May edibles are the way to go anyway.. so much better for you & way less obvious to everybody down-wind. in reply to Ralphie_May #
@DannyLimor RT @Southworth: Any cartoonists out there looking 4 a collaboration on a long-term webcomics project? Email me pskl13@yahoo.com #
At @OccupyNashville with @CalliaRiden fighting the powers that be. #OWS http://t.co/c0trNGPp #
@JulianKross thanks buddy in reply to JulianKross #
hey hacks, someone super famous died.. so you better chime in before everybody's heard 14 better versions of your same joke. #RIP #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2011-10-29

chad riden — Sat, 29 Oct 2011 22:59:00 +0000

It's hard to pinpoint exactly when trouble began to brew for me last night but I think it was right around tequila:30 #
@sbellelauren I'm never getting married again, but I could propose to disappoint you in every other way imaginable. in reply to sbellelauren #
I'm really looking fwd to @nsup's show 10/30 @ Steve’s. I stopped in just to drop off fliers & they insisted on hooking me up with a burger in reply to nsup #
Waiting for a Geek Rap-Off to start at @WhatIsGMX (and, I guess, my whole life when it comes down to it). #gmxv3 #gmx #
@reppocs charming, as always. in reply to reppocs #
The Flash just asked me if I was cosplay'ing @thebrianposehn outside of @whatisgmx – NOPE! Totally in character as adorable ole me. #gmxv3 #
I really had no idea what to expect, but I had a ball at @WhatIsGMX – I hope they let @Nsup do more comedy shows there next year. Fun times. #
@marcmaron what is the possibility of getting Gallagher2 on @WTFpod? I dunno about anyone else, but *I* would love to hear it. in reply to marcmaron #
it was fun! (I'm just glad I didn't see anything I can't UN-see). // RT @DJ_Spinja thanks for attending my panel!! I spied you in the back! in reply to DJ_Spinja #
Just passed a cop who was texting while driving. I wanted to lean on the horn and swerve but didn't because I've gone square. #
@Tennessean $1 one-way express bus tickets to Atlanta!? They REALLY want is to leave quick and not come back, huh? in reply to Tennessean #
@NC5 THANK GOD, you guys. For a while I was afraid I was going to have to step outside to find out how it feels out there. (shudder!) in reply to NC5 #
RT @brianbatescomic You will never be on @NC5 again. Unless you're arrested. // I'm pretty sure @JesseIsTerrific could arrange that.. in reply to brianbatescomic #
Awesome sketch of me by @dannylimor done at @whatisgmx this weekend: http://t.co/IGETf6Gm #
Not sure when I drafted this, but I'm guessing September? Very cheerful! Hope I didn't send it out. #divorce http://t.co/uIZFV9LT #
Spent the morning debating whether or not Jack and Jill will suck with @CalliaRiden – her argument: I liked Eddie Murphy in Nutty Professor. #
..but Nutty Professor had JOKES. In Jack and Jill (I'm speculating) the joke IS that he's playing both characters. The debate continues. #
@funnybusiness re: 17 Twitter Marketing Tips From the Pros. #1 "Improve Your Tweets" // Yeah, but I mean, ASIDE from "get better." in reply to funnybusiness #
LORD (first time, long time) please let "the Redneck Party" continue to grow and be a real thing: http://t.co/6Taa25ff #RedneckParty #YES #
Fight the power! @OccupyNashville // RT @Tennessean State officials gather this morning to discuss #OccupyNashville protest. bit.ly/usYjJc #
Regions Bank is about to lose a customer. #
I hope you can edit out all the parts where I suck and still have something. // RT @WeRinCtrl Interviewing @ChadRiden Right Now. #letsdothis in reply to WeRinCtrl #
Mike Judge is the only person in 15 years who could make me give a shit about anything on @MTV. Yeay! New #BeavisAndButthead !! #fartknocker in reply to MTV #
I want to "take this country back" and keep it away from everybody who says "I want to take this country back" just to be spiteful #KeepAway #
@johnthorntonjr how 'bout "FUCK CORRUPTION"? You're smarter than being limited to a bumper sticker mentality. Here: http://t.co/QunRNfhd in reply to johnthorntonjr #
@johnthorntonjr I figured you were joking, but if your premise is that #OWS is pointless.. you're ignoring and/or supporting corruption. in reply to johnthorntonjr #
TN Gov @BillHaslam is shitting all over the 1st Ammendment. Speak up before you CAN'T: 615-741-2001 bill.haslam@tn.gov @OccupyNashville #OWS #
@billhaslam the 1st Ammendment gives @occupynashville the FREEDOM of speech and the right to assemble. Freedom doesn't require a fee&permit. #
You guys are not going to trick me into watching baseball on tv tonight. I've fallen for this trick before. http://t.co/ZbfQKZ39 #
@Anundson enjoy it while you can in reply to Anundson #
My brother is giving me two tickets to the Vols game tonight.. If you're near Knoxville & want to go give me a yell. #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2011-10-22

chad riden — Sat, 22 Oct 2011 22:59:00 +0000

We are the 99%! #occupyNashville http://t.co/OIcOyeVF #
#OccupyNashville (@ Live On The Green) http://t.co/OH8beBUx #
Marching has got me all tired'ed'ed out. Can we have a sit in instead? Or a snuggle protest? #occupyNashville http://t.co/qwUMjpYc #
Just saw a guy in an awesome car & I wanted to give him the devil horns but I was holding my phone so I think I accidentally flipped him off #
Back home. I just walked Guido & am now importing video from #OccupyNashville while watching Flight Of The Conchords reruns. #OccupyMyCouch #
here's a video I shot today at the @OccupyNashville rally/march #OccupyNashville http://t.co/uFxb2qST #
another video I shot earlier today at the @OccupyNashville march http://t.co/GOuJX45V #OccupyNashville #SuckItCorporateAmerica #LaResistance #
@JoeSouthards done got hitched, y'all. http://t.co/0MFfYj6M #
@TheTallJessica we really should hang out more often. in reply to TheTallJessica #
.@Anundson I'm on my way with a rubbermaid tub full of tacos from Lopez #2 and a kegerator full of homebrewed stout. #OccupyBrentwood in reply to Anundson #
when you're at a funeral for a biker named Jethro who was shot to death is another shooting really all that unexpected? http://t.co/ggL639LV #
.@Anundson I can bring humus but I CAN NOT shave. @TheKennyRogers and I are in the middle of a fierce beard-a-thon. in reply to Anundson #
I want a half-dozen beer-boiled hot Italian sausages w/ spicy brown mustard. make it happen, universe. #ActualPrayerIJustPrayed2GodOfSausage #
somebody here is blasting George Michael's "Careless Whisper" on their 'puter speakers. I officially give up. You win, world of sucky things #
Despite popular belief, there is no such thing as a tornado. @BrianBatesComic just doesn't like trailer parks. #
The Incredible Hulk got @BrianBatesComic hands for Christmas. #BrianBatesFacts #
there are SO many things happening right now that are not worth commenting on at all.. I just don't know where to begin. #
Many things critics classify as "essential" viewing / listening fit nicely under my "total piece of shit / complete waste of time" category. #
W/ Al Jackson tonight at @zaniesnashville at 7:30! Call 6152690221 to reserve (up to 4 ) FREE tickets! Mention the e-mail special #
suffering from a pretty bad case of Nintendo Thumb this morning. I don't know if I'm gonna make it through the day without meds. #
I try to eat healthy but when someone offers me a donut.. I'm gonna eat it like I'd be a fool NOT to take every opportunity to get fatter. #
Gaddafi was captured in a concrete pipe? Saddam in a "spider hole"? They were in power for decades.. should have had better escape plans. #
Underground lairs! Hideouts inside volcanos! Space rockets! Dr. Evil shit. Get Mike Myers to devise some plans.. he'd be great at that. #
want to watch a video of @MarcMaron talking about Louisville while I wait for my food and occasionally itch my beard? http://t.co/YjwAgT29 #
here's video of @MarcMaron touring the @AliCenter with @RyanSinger talking about HOPE. I hope I don't look fat in this http://t.co/8Ry665ra #
here's video of @MarcMaron touring the @AliCenter with @RySing talking about HOPE. I hope I don't look fat in this: http://t.co/8Ry665ra #
I REALLY wish I could find ANYONE who could help me out with SEO advice. If only there were marketing gurus on twitter! So frustrated. #
@JimGaffigan You change a diarrhea diaper because you HAVE to. You rub feces on your hands because you WANT to. in reply to JimGaffigan #
RT @ScottBartell ask away #seo // is there an easier way to get SEO bots to auto follow me on twitter than by asking for SEO advice? in reply to ScottBartell #
RT @Tennessean Meth materials and weapons found in vehicle with 8-month-old. bit.ly/otpNp7 // that's one enterprising little baby! #Awesome in reply to Tennessean #
I wish I could constantly automatically set my Google Latitude / Foursquare / Facebook check-in locations to "in a van down by the river." #
DERRRRRRRP #StupidTwitterReplies #
@rickygervais if you tell @DougStanhope stuff like that he blows it off and undercuts himself in every way but that's part of why he's great in reply to rickygervais #
I saw @SklarBrothers & @AlJacksonComedy at @zaniesnashville last night.. I'll probably go back again at some point this weekend. SO funny. #
@ryanwilliams718 there's gonna be A LOT of those. Turn off your @waze to @twitter notifications, buddy. it's a GREAT app, but we don't care. in reply to ryanwilliams718 #
. @jondaly "I had a dream-bah.. I had an awesome.. dream-bah" – Lionel Richie http://t.co/3c1maxyy in reply to jondaly #
@nyccrimereport re: Sam Friedlander-They should have seen this coming. Anyone crazy enough to represent themselves in court can't be trusted in reply to nyccrimereport #
RT @tonyyoungblood I'm going to try and go! // it's gonna be fun AND nerderrific! #GMXv3 #NerdHerd #DorkPower in reply to tonyyoungblood #
I nominate @ChadRiden for a Shorty Award in #emergingcomedian b/c… none of dem otha selfish mole-fukkas would, shawty http://t.co/ZQ4oSmQx #
@KatrinaLColeman sell your baby on Craig's List in reply to KatrinaLColeman #
RT @latimes Rupert Murdoch calls Myspace buy a 'huge mistake' http://t.co/2xUrmMlo // "No shit." – Entire Non-Tarded World Population in reply to latimes #
@whatisgmx @nsup @garyisyou @jaustinjohnson @rayprice @heidiervin are we doing this or what? Where are the GMX girls? Wtf, errbody in reply to nsup #
at @whatisgmx I found nerdgirl Han solo, nerdgirl Luke skywalker and nerdgirl R2D2. So happy rt now #gmxv3 http://t.co/ktz5zYqa #
RT @WSMVsSnowbird I posted a new photo to Facebook // NOBODY GIVES A SHIT, SNOWBIRD! STFU until the computer tells you school is out. in reply to WSMVsSnowbird #
@LaurenVino that dude can't read in reply to LaurenVino #
If you're at a nerd convention and you have to explain what nerdy shit you dressed up as.. you've gone too far into your nerdery. #gmxv3 #
@TheRealKristi I THINK I'm on the 8th floor in reply to TheRealKristi #
@TheRealKristi I just left 501, now on 2. where are you? in reply to TheRealKristi #
@whatisgmx Party on the 10th floor! Comedy and whatnot! Come on guys. Liz? Where you at? GMX girls? Don't let me down. Guys? Ladies? C'mon #
@whatisgmx It's 2am. I am at an all female dnd panel? Is this happening? Where are the GMX girls? Guys? LiZ? SeAn? Anyone? #
This DnD panel is ran by the Star Wars cosplay girls & they Are NOT shitfaced (bummer) but this one fat dude won't shut up. Come on guys. #
This dude is REALLY into grilling these bitches about DnD. The rest of us are wondering, "what room are you in?" http://t.co/GibRbAna #
RT @whatisgmx @ChadRiden I want to join // dude, you're running this shit. Round up some nerdgirls and let's get this shit started. in reply to whatisgmx #
THIS DUDE won't stop burping. Every 30 seconds. #gmxv3 http://t.co/6jI9nFDi #
I love my life. http://t.co/nd9bSWye #
It is great. http://t.co/DkR8SEfd #
@DJ_Spinja where are you? in reply to DJ_Spinja #
@RySing you ARE right, sir. in reply to RySing #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2011-10-15

chad riden — Sat, 15 Oct 2011 22:59:00 +0000

@micahwhite I love the "Louie" shot by shot parody title sequence.. Very funny stuff! in reply to micahwhite #
OMG #BreakingBad #
You're right.. a window decal on the back of your Kia minivan is the perfect way to pay tribute to your dead baby. http://t.co/GmC09gPC #
I used to work somewhere that had a LOT of meetings about meetings. I would look around wondering why nobody else thought it was hilarious. #
Is Ricky Martin STILL living la vida loco? It seems like that'd get old after a while and la vida aburrida would be a welcome change. #
Take THAT, mid-90's pop star! BOOM! Still got it. #
I just got my BEST podcast shout-out ever on this show: RT @comedypodcast Happy Birthday Gary – Episode 41 – Lee vs Lee http://t.co/tHicfp3s in reply to comedypodcast #
WE WANT BOOTSY! This interview is Awesome: // RT @JesseThorn @Bootsy_Collins http://t.co/P7sNPhM9 in reply to JesseThorn #
Are Eric B & Rakim still with Norby Walters, Kara Lewis, 4th and Broadway and Rush? Should "Paid In Full" be factually updated for karaoke? #
they're 100% right. // RT @kylekinane I bet animals think music is stupid. in reply to kylekinane #
I wish Craig Mack was still kickin' new flava in my ear. I liked that one flava in 1994, but that's not quite as new as I like them to be. #
Everybody who makes illegal lane changes while turning at an intersection should die in a fire.. Hopefully not when they hit ME. #
I'm still suffering from having walked thru a giant spider web this morning. Thinking about just going back to bed and trying again tomorrow #
I'll have you know that my beard, while NOT well groomed, IS clean, dammit. //@beersnobrob that spider will feast on the mites in your beard in reply to beersnobrob #
100% of the girls who go to this tanning salon should STOP and use the money they saved to get a car that is not a piece of shit. #
RT @Anundson I would love to learn more about this. // What would you like to know, friend? in reply to Anundson #
@Anundson What!? no.. I was watching girls come and go while @CalliaRiden kicked kids in the head next door at the taekwondo school. in reply to Anundson #
I'm really happy with where my beard is right now. all of my hard work is finally starting to pay off. #
FACT: "Q-tips" were originally called called "Baby Gays." Personally, I'd rather say I put Baby Gays in my ear. http://t.co/vw8nvwwE #
don't start w me molefukkas, I'm your worst nightmare topped w trouble and wrapped up in a you'll-wish-you-didn't-live-to-regret-it blanket. #
sorry for my bad Chaditude, errbody. #
First they came for Google Wave and I said nothing.. because who gives a shit about Google Wave. Then they came for Google Buzz… #
The @TeamCoco #livecococam is way sexier than having a real aquarium and a lot less work. http://t.co/q0alRFwt http://t.co/Brx2Kj0i in reply to TeamCoco #
what Google giveth, Google taketh away. #RIPgoogleBUZZ #BUZZoff #AdayWITHOUTaBUZZisAdayTHATneverWUZ #
I can't wait to protest the shit outta some corporate ass-hats. How dare they take Google Buzz away from me!? #
@TheRealKristi WILL I? How do I know they won't just take it away from me? Is Nothing for forever anymore!? VIVA LA RESISTANCE, @google! in reply to TheRealKristi #
iMay just be iParanoid but iThink iCloud looks a LOT like .Mac with a new name. #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2011-10-08

chad riden — Sat, 08 Oct 2011 22:59:00 +0000

October is a fantastic time to see slightly overweight superheroes at events that have nothing to do with Halloween. http://t.co/jJq00jTj #
RIP Steve Jobs.. thanks for giving me the coolest gadgets anyone could imagine over the last 30 years. http://t.co/33m8suGk #
RT @OccupyNashville Taking It To The Streets Thursday http://t.co/1TqULsxS http://t.co/zZfH1RDt in reply to OccupyNashville #
just got a flu shot and B-12 shot. Fingers crossed that my body reacts by mutating in awesome super-hero-y ways. I feel SOMETHING happening. #
Futile Scavenger Hunt: find a nerd who hasn't said one word about Steve Jobs all day today. #stevejobs #Occupy1InfiniteLoop #
Errbody go to @thebasementnash right now! RT @BillyWayneDavis In an hour and a half. twitpic.com/6w6bki in reply to BillyWayneDavis #
just got an email from @FollowCMT saying, "CMT wants YOU to win free chicken for a year!" FINALLY, we're on the same page. hook it up, boys. #
Getting up to speed on this whole Monica Lewinsky scandal. WOW. How come nobody ever talks about this? Seems like fertile ground for comedy. #
DON'T YOU TELL ME HOW TO LIVE MY LIFE! Gat dern it all. // RT @FollowCMT Hahaha! Get entered! in reply to FollowCMT #
Hey Everybody, your outdoor Halloween lights look stupid. #
Just realized the "contact" form on my website has been shooting emails into oblivion for months.. I'm not just ignoring YOU (well, maybe). #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2011-10-01

chad riden — Sat, 01 Oct 2011 22:59:00 +0000

Here's a photo of @marcmaron and @RySing enjoying Lynn's Paradise Cafe in Louisville: http://t.co/hyhYEnwr #
This is just about as close as I wanted to get to "DJ Pauly D" and his fans last night: http://t.co/5CrXQKri #
RT @DalaiLama If the work is worthwhile, then whether we can complete it or not it's worth making the attempt// ..in bed #LamaFortuneCookies in reply to DalaiLama #
.@LucasMarcoplos Great to meet you! Here's the story of my first night in Nashville: http://t.co/W77VOfXF in reply to LucasMarcoplos #
RT @curlycomedy With the prevalence of its fried chicken recipe there's no need to visit Kentucky. // the @alicenter in Louisville = awesome in reply to curlycomedy #
@zigged thanks, it was kind of like eating at a hippie cracker barrel – the kind of place where Bootsy Collins goes hat shopping. in reply to zigged #
I'm in! Tell me when & where.// RT @themightychuck Wondering if forming an ill breakdancing crew will be as easy as it was in middle school. in reply to themightychuck #
big thanks to @MarcMaron @ImprovLKY & @RySing for all the stage time this week and to @AliCenter for the inspiration. I really needed both. in reply to marcmaron #
RT @VYou: ‎VYou iPhone app is here! Be sure to download it & share some status updates with us(Yes, it's time for #VYou on the go!) http … #
my summary of EVERY episode of Breaking Bad: "HOLY SHIT! This is.. wait, WHAT!? HOLY SHIT! but how will they ever.. OMG! NO! MORE!" #
too many people make this tragic mistake. It's sad, really. // RT @ckcomedy How did I not follow you until now? in reply to ckcomedy #
If Sly Stone had any sense of humor, he'd park his van down by the river. http://t.co/H8Nf1Ri8 #
spotted in rural KY: "Cherry Tree Coonhunters Club" sign.. probably innocent but just looking at it made me nervous. http://t.co/vRuDqAa9 #
stalker alert: I'll be at @ZaniesNashville tonight for the @NSup Showcase. for 4 FREE tix call 615-269-0221 &ask4 "NashvilleStandUp Special" #
Inspired by Holly Madison (whoever that is), I have insured my testicles for $1 Million. If my balls don't start trending, you are sexist. #
RT @micahwhite Whoever THAT IS?!! Her fake tits leak with disappointment.
// FAKE!? Then she also has an inflated sense of self worth. in reply to micahwhite #
When I saw the headline: "All hope lost for bleak, bitter comedian" I just KNEW they were talking about @DougStanhope – http://t.co/QorxYKt8 #
boy, time flies when you're f'in off. #
RT @NC5 What will you do if your bank adds fees for debit card use? // I'll pull all of my $ out and invest it in beef jerky and ammunition. in reply to NC5 #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2011-09-24

chad riden — Sat, 24 Sep 2011 22:59:00 +0000

I think too much is made of "black tar" heroin.. i'm guessing if you're a heroin addict you're not that discerning about brands or whatever. #
I swear to Santa's spicy meatballs, if I have to update my browser's Flash plugin one more time I'm going to kick @adobe in it's front-butt. #
I totally forgot to watch the @CharlieSheen roast. Lemme guess.. it was outrageous? did someone get sassy and say mean things? #SheenRoast #
I wore my @BarackObama t-shirt today just so I could watch old white guys get visibly angry. Apparently they think they're millionaires? #
There should be an app for checking the status of your pending Apple Developer program applications. What's the avg wait?! @AppStore @TUAW #
"Don't blame your failure on haters. If everyone thinks you suck, they're not haters.. they're right." – @danieltosh nailed it, everybody. #
any time someone adds me on Facebook and it says we have more than double-digit "mutual friends" it's always somebody I'll never, ever meet. #
The only way this house fly could possibly be more annoying is if it somehow was more successful than me.. which isn't entirely unlikely. #
The Tennessee Nurses Association refers to itself as TNA. Their newsletter profiles nurses under the heading, "I Am TNA" ..and I snicker. #
Boy am I bored. Somebody I hate needs to do something real quick so I can spend the rest of the day shitting all over it. #
If you think we need a law requiring our children to be proficient in reading and math then you're too stupid to be having children. #
If your kids are having trouble meeting the "No Child Left Behind" standards, it's not the fault of the school or the system. Blame DNA. #
If mastery of Angry Birds were a marketable skill, we would have the worlds best trained, highly skilled, most experienced workforce. #
"DJ Pauly D" is going to be here, whatever that means (I assume it means this crowd is full of rude fucking morons). http://t.co/4RNQephk #
Juanita's Burger Boy in Louisville – good food AND apparently a great place to crash?
http://t.co/uJqmRADI http://t.co/V7myw6pS #
good bye, sleep! who needs you anyway? http://t.co/m9CaXgUu //RT @g4tv This is one indie game you don't want to miss: http://t.co/UnrhJmZs in reply to g4tv #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2011-09-17

chad riden — Sat, 17 Sep 2011 22:59:00 +0000

I <3 @marcmaron @RySing @wtfpod & @johnthorntonjr – I'm really the luckiest piece of shit alive. #
@BillyWayneDavis yesterday @marcmaron @rysing and I had their burgers, hush puppies and unsweetened tea. "NO SWEET TEA?! You're kidding me!" in reply to BillyWayneDavis #
@BillyWayneDavis that's what I'm saying.. they DO NOT HAVE SWEET TEA. I had no idea. I am appalled, offended and ashamed. in reply to BillyWayneDavis #
I almost bought a ram mounted in a life preserver at imagine & willie's because it perfectly fits my decor. http://t.co/4dfBlpR #
@JAustinJohnson I posted that on the way there.. I didn't know you were part of the proceedings. I LOVE YOU TOO! (in the butt-hole) in reply to JAustinJohnson #
@marcmaron Classic. in reply to marcmaron #
OH, you're about to get it.. IN THE BUTT. // RT @howisthatfunny I don't get it. in reply to howisthatfunny #
@marcmaron @rysing thanks for coming to Nashville and being awesometastic. Please come back soon and often and tell your friends. in reply to marcmaron #
I dunno what it is that stinks so bad in this house, but the answer better not be my attitude. I'm hoping it's something fixable. #
@RySing I'm still waiting for your video of that squirrel's-nuts-on-a-high-wire act. in reply to RySing #
I found the stench in my house. Well, I found *A* source of stank in my house. Time will tell if it was THE stinky thing. Congrats to me! #
A documentary film crew will be taping at the @CorporateJugger Presents: @RySing show at @BongoJava in Nashville: http://t.co/5cT4Xzg @nsup #
@MarcMaron talks about our Prince's Hot Chicken adventure on episode 209 of @WTFpod :: http://t.co/wkpZruB #
ChadRiden.com :: Prince’s Hot Chicken with @MarcMaron & @RySing ..the rest of the story :: http://t.co/useVjru #
@AlexKendig you mean @Anundson in reply to AlexKendig #
The guy shooting this documentary was here just 15 minutes before remarking, "wow, you LOVE to fight!" Yes, sir, I do. (Sorry everybody.) #
Y'all? Y'ALL! #
Chattanooga! I'll be doing a short set 8pm Thursday at the Comedy Catch (really just an excuse to hang with @PatDixon) http://t.co/Tl5NFyG #
Thinking about buying Captain Ron's bus. If I commit to that lifestyle, do I have to wear the sleeveless denim jackets, too? DM me, guys. #
I'm trained in Reiki. People think it's just an excuse to "lay hands" on the ladies, and they're right.. but it's so much more than that. #
it feels like I update the @Adobe Flash player for my browsers about once a week. Am I being punished by some cruel unstable software god? #
RT @DalaiLama Wise pple serve others, putting the needs of others above their own. ..you find more happiness.// ..in bed #LamaFortuneCookies in reply to DalaiLama #
This is how little I think things through: I just planted a tree and it needs to be watered.. but first I went inside to pee. #

Prince’s Hot Chicken with Marc Maron & Ryan Singer

chad riden — Mon, 12 Sep 2011 20:24:21 +0000

I had the great pleasure of being able to see each of Marc Maron’s shows at Zanies in Nashville this last week and pal around with him and fellow comic Ryan Singer for a bit. Among other places, I took them to Brown’s Diner, Athens Greek Family Restaurant, and Prince’s Hot Chicken Shack. All three are fantastic places to eat and talk and enjoy Nashville at it’s best and worst.

Prince’s is a Nashville landmark. I don’t know how long it’s been there, but I’ve heard a girl my age say her grandma worked there when she was young. I love taking people there. I’m a fan of way-too-hot food and it just doesn’t get any hotter than this. There is also a huge entertainment factor to visiting Prince’s. This restaurant is blacker than a thousand midnights – there’s a barbershop next door.. privatized (although questionably professional) security.. cops circling the place.. and a lot of guys just hanging out on the sidewalk. The only way Prince’s could be blacker is if they had pictures of Malcolm X on the wall.

An audience member brought Marc some of their chicken to the show Thursday night, and after eating a few bites he decided he needed to try it hot and fresh. After the late show Friday, we loaded up the car and drove over to 123 Ewing Drive. Marc, Ryan and I were joined by Nashville comics John Thornton Jr., Gary Fletcher and Sean Parrott.. none of whom chose to eat (was this wisdom? or were they just chicken shit?). Ryan doesn’t eat meat but decided to on this special occasion. Ryan is NOT a pussy. I wish I could say the same for my friends John, Gary and Sean.. but I can’t. Vaginas, every one.

Marc talked about our visit to Prince’s Saturday morning when he recorded the intro to episode 209 of his WTF podcast – and at both shows Saturday night in Nashville. By the second show he had developed a good, solid chunk of material that fits nicely into a near-death-experiences theme in his current act. I hope he keeps it in.

On WTF, he tells an early version of the story of our adventure at Prince’s.. and it’s pretty accurate.. but one thing he got wrong was when he said I told him, “They don’t let white people order the extra hot.” Marc may have mis-heard or may be exaggerating for comic effect.. either way, let me ruin it. Here’s what I told him:

The first time I ordered the Extra Hot, the woman at the counter gave me this look and said, “Have you eaten here before?” and I said, “Yes, Ma’am.. I know what I’m getting into.” She raised her brow and turned her head a little saying, “OooooooKkaaaay..” as if she had done her due diligence warning me and was not responsible for what was about to happen to my butt-hole. I do think that by ordering Medium, you’re showing them respect. When you walk in and order Extra Hot, they’re going to try to hurt you.. and they will not fail.

I have eaten the Extra Hot.. but NOT THERE. I get it TO GO, so they don’t get to watch me cry while I eat. I recommend people order the Medium, because that’s still pretty damn hot. “Hot” is certainly hot enough.. and you’ve got nothing to prove by ordering Extra Hot. There’s no need to be a hero.

Marc and I ate “Hot.” I drank an iced tea and then refilled that container at least four times with water before we left the restaurant. I turned bright red and started hiccuping and developed a flop-sweat.. but I knew what I was getting into. At some point, Marc said something to the effect of, “what have I done?” or maybe the look on his face said that to me. The look in his eyes was unmistakable – he looked like a wounded animal. I haven’t seen worry and regret like that since my acid trip days.. I felt like I was in the Cool Down Tent trying to talk him down from a bad trip. He went thru a giant water pretty quickly and I almost didn’t bother asking if he wanted a refill.

We ate at about 1 or 1:30 a.m. and then pretty much went home. At 3 a.m. I woke up on my couch and felt like I was about to give birth to a 20-pound baby made of fire. I was hoping that I was going to puke instead. I wouldn’t know what to do with a fire baby. I was sweating profusely and my stomach felt like it was splitting atoms. I popped some antacid tablets, which felt like throwing ice cubes into a volcano. I tried to drink water but I was in so much pain I couldn’t swallow more than a mouth full. Excruciating, unbearable pain. My pained wailing made my dog so upset that HE started to cry. This fit lasted about 12 minutes and then I was a feeling good enough to drink some water and I went back to sleep.

At 4 a.m. I woke up suddenly with terrible pain again and scrambled as fast as I could to the bathroom. I almost made it on time. Almost was not close enough. I vomited up the spiciest chicken available to man – in it’s liquid, semi-digested form – and it was terrible.. but I felt better. I brushed my teeth and cleaned up the mess and went back to bed. I was weak, but I was ok.

I woke up the next day with a huge headache.. and I didn’t drink any booze that night. I didn’t know a hot chicken hangover was even possible, but Prince’s.. you did it. I went to meet up with Ryan, Marc, John, Gary and James Austin Johnson on 12th Avenue South. Marc just smiled when he saw me and asked how I was feeling. We exchanged horror stories and laughed at our common pain. It was like we’d been to war and could now sit at the VFW and laugh about it.

I was looking forward to meeting Marc. This year, the people who run the Montreal festival asked Mr. Maron to give the Keynote Address at the 2011 Just For Laughs Comedy Conference. Among other things he said, “When I was kid watching comedians on TV and listening to their records they were the only ones that could make it all seem okay. They seemed to cut through the bullshit and disarm fears and horror by being clever and funny. I don’t think I could have survived my childhood without watching standup comics. When I started doing comedy I didn’t understand show business. I just wanted to be a comedian.”

The same goes for me.. except one of the comedians I was watching was Marc Maron. I remember seeing him on David Letterman’s old NBC show, on Comedy Central when that was a brand new channel, on Late Night with Conan O’Brien at least 40-something times.. he was one of the guys that made ME want to do comedy. He was doing more than just telling jokes. I loved the way Marc seemed to be emotionally invested in what he was saying – disarming the demons that haunted him by laughing about it.

If you’ve seen my act lately, you know that this year I declared bankruptcy; got shingles; face foreclosure on my home; I got scabies; and instead of moving to NYC like we planned, my wife left me and that left me with an empty schedule and few bookings. It’s been a little rough.

On WTF #209, Marc mentioned me saying, “Chad Riden, good guy. Been thru a lot. His heart’s heavy. World’s weighing on Chad. Weighs heavy on Chad. He’s got a burden.. but he’s a funny guy. That burden makes him funny.” Which is probably the nicest way of saying I’m a miserable piece of shit who then insists on telling every audience all about it.

It was fantastic to meet Maron and hang out. I think it would have been a very rough week for me if I didn’t have him and Ryan Singer around to make me laugh constantly. They’re doing the big work.

Marc was very nice to mention me on his show and I appreciate it. Just a couple weeks ago I was name-checked on WTF episode 204 by Doug Stanhope. This is probably the best exposure I’ve gotten so far. Can I now use WTF as a credit? No? Shit.

Chaderific documentary filming in Nashville Monday

chad riden — Mon, 12 Sep 2011 03:03:19 +0000

A film crew will be taping my set Monday night at the Corporate Juggernaut Presents: Ryan Singer! show at Bongo Java After Hours Theatre in Nashville. They also want to interview my friends about my comedy and life. I’ve told them repeatedly that I have no friends, but they don’t seem to understand that. Regardless, if any of you want to be on camera saying terrible things about me, you can do so after the show at Bongo Monday.

8pm Monday, September 12

Bongo Java After Hours Theatre
2007 Belmont Blvd
Nashville, TN

(Facebook event)

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2011-09-10

chad riden — Sat, 10 Sep 2011 22:59:00 +0000

If someone pronounces "white" hha-whaat, chances are they're racist. Not always, but probably. #
Sanity Update For My Mom: the paperwork for some medication she is taking was in her refrigerator so she doesn't forget where she put it. #
Last night I got a pretty good fortune cookie: "first they ignore you, then they attack you, then you win." http://t.co/LPDBthZ #
Instead of watching the republican debate, I'm just imagining my dad screaming about the bible, illegal immigrants, socialism, and Obama. #
My lovely wifera and I just carpooled out to see a divorce lawyer.. a fun drive on a beautiful day with good conversation. good times. #
@emilyvolman where are you going to host that? @ComedyPodcast would love to help out. in reply to emilyvolman #
We're pretty determined to have the awesomest, most painless divorce ever. #
FYI, if you tweet about divorce, several douche-bot divorce lawyers will auto-follow you. #
Since my act is about my life, I blame my failed marriage on everybody who has ever wished I'd write new jokes. #wifeymaterial #
@nicoledz Try "divorce lawyer" – I'll bet THAT was the trigger phrase for the douche-bots. | "Douche-bots" ©™® international idiots, inc. in reply to nicoledz #
Twitterville I gotta be honest.. I really do not understand why the @CORNspiracy account hasn't taken off & landed me a book deal & sitcom. #
I just saw my third Juggalo walking the streets in the last 15 min. Anything you want to tell me Nashville? It's starting to get creepy. #
@marcmaron conquered Prince's Hot Chicken's "hot" selection like a champion: http://t.co/tPY14f4 in reply to marcmaron #
I didn't know a hot chicken hangover was even possible, but Prince's.. you did it. #
@wrongforum I could eat Prince's every day, but not at the level of heat I ate last night.. holy crap. How do they DO that!? in reply to wrongforum #
@wrongforum The few times I've done it, I've always taken the Extra Hot TO GO. I don't want them to see me cry. There's no need to be a hero #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2011-09-03

chad riden — Sat, 03 Sep 2011 22:59:00 +0000

I'm listening to that one podcast where it's three comedians talking. #
Now that I've got a few beers in me, it's time to head over to the elementary school to teach the kids a few life lessons. #
My dog Guido is developing cataracts in his eyes. It's not funny at all.. unless you say he has "cadillacs in his eyes." Then, hilarity. #
coupons are a fantastic way to get deep discounts off items you'd never, ever buy. #
RT @TheRealKristi you wouldn't want 50% off summer's eve? // Nope, I'm already surrounded by douches as it is. in reply to TheRealKristi #
@beersnobrob @mattwardcomedy contact @seanparrott about the @nsup showcase at @zaniesnashville via http://t.co/2D28eCF in reply to beersnobrob #
RT @TheRealKristi nice. How about a dollar off soy bean and alfalfa cereal? // is that a thing? in reply to TheRealKristi #
When I say I'm "going off the grid" I mean I'll be in an area where there's only two or three bars of wifi signal strength.. ROUGHING IT. #
Anyone near Athens, TN? I'll be around the county until Monday afternoon-ish. (@ Athens Regional Park) http://t.co/wWwnn7p #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2011-08-27

chad riden — Sat, 27 Aug 2011 22:59:00 +0000

nobody on these tv shows are ever sitting around watching tv all day.. so unrealistic. #
At the fair teaching @CalliaRiden the difference between mark ass tricks and trick ass marks. #
@JimGaffigan rejected reality show concept: really classy smart people who are competent, humble and gracious. in reply to JimGaffigan #
BEAT YER KIDS, Y’ALL’cause who wouldn’t want their life to be just like a terrible, hack comedy premise? #
BEAT YER KIDS, Y’ALLif your kids are as stupid as you are, it’s pretty much your only option. #
BEAT YER KIDS, Y’ALLIt’s easier than being a good parent who actually teaches their kids how to act.. #
BEAT YER KIDS, Y’ALLwhy use your brain when you can HIT SOMEBODY.. HARD! IN THE MOUTH. WITH YER FIST. MOUTH! FIST! #
BEAT YER KIDS, Y’ALLotherwise you’d have to take time to raise them to NOT be shit heads.. and come on.. look at ‘em. It’s not happening. #
BEAT YER KIDS, Y’ALLit’s the lazy moron’s way to continue the cycle of ignorance & violence! Don’t be the one who breaks family tradition #
BEAT YER KIDS, Y’ALLthem thar permanent psychological scars taint gonna make themselves you know. #
BEAT YER KIDS, Y’ALLit’s the perfect way to lead by example and teach them violence solves all problems. #
BEAT YER KIDS, Y’ALLif it worked for Neanderthals, it’ll work for your un-evolved, backwoods offspring, too. #
BEAT YER KIDS, Y’ALLotherwise, who are they gonna hate & rebel against when they’re teens and realize you’re completely full of shit? #
I’m currently booking my “11th Annual One Last Time: Out Of Retirement (Again) Tour.. For The People” – tell your local comedy club! #

11:47 into the latest @WTFpod with @MarcMaron @DougStanhope mentions @carlos_valencia and me. Can I use that as a credit? no? shit. #
well, that felt good for about an hour. Now back to depression and self-loathing! #
About this time 15 years ago I met my buddy Guido DeVille, who has never been less than the greatest friend ever. http://t.co/qFSVIym #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2011-08-20

chad riden — Sat, 20 Aug 2011 22:59:00 +0000

Spent most if the day bagging, boarding and boxing stacks of MAD Magazines. Get in line, ladies! #efil4dren #
Once my chair is fully reclined, I live by The Couch Potato's Creed: If it's not within arms' reach – you don't need it. #
every time I see @LeslieNash she tells me that she's really "trying hard to tweet every day" and I just laugh hysterically. #
Phone lines are open! Now taking requests on the hotline: 615-829-6187 #
@JenKirkman It's 12:51:50 here in Nashville. I'll keep you updated. in reply to JenKirkman #
Some guys wrote a thing about their top 5 favorite comedians and Tyler Cook said complimentary things about me: http://t.co/wclxfc3 #
Once I was trimming my neck and found a set of keys I'd lost. // @BRADBRADBRAD I'm gonna shave in reply to BRADBRADBRAD #
To whom it may concern: I'm officially retiring forever from comedy. #
OK OK! I'm coming back out of comedy retirement. The people have spoken! I promise, I'll never ever retire again. Never ever ever ever. #
Well, just ONE person has spoken.. but it was @emilyvolman and that's all the support I need, so I'm back forever and I'm better than ever. in reply to emilyvolman #
Never retire or put my mike on the shelf! I can't turn my back on all the Chadyterians out there.. say your prayers! take your vitamins! #
A stealthy ninja that smelled strangely like @CalliaRiden just snuck up and attacked me from the back. http://t.co/Act8zfW #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2011-08-13

chad riden — Sat, 13 Aug 2011 22:59:00 +0000

@danschlacter at @zaniesnashville G! Stop by. in reply to danschlacter #
Is twitter a rerun tonight? I swear I've read these tweeteroos before. #
RT @ToastTheRabbit tweeteroos? // I don't like saying "tweets" ..and "tweeters" doesn't sound right.. "twats" seems unnecessary. in reply to ToastTheRabbit #
RT @danschlacter @ChadRiden is that short for a certain room with brown walls and jars of candy? // my butt-hole, yes. in reply to danschlacter #
Tonight w/ SNL's @JayPharoah & @KeithAlberstadt $10 Tix Call @ZaniesNashville 615.269.0221 FB promo:NBC @twitter :SNL http://t.co/YVpuQyq in reply to zaniesnashville #
saw a woman on all fours tapping a neighbor's window & talking to their dog.. but I was wearing pajama pants so I'm still the weird one. #
If you've texted me over the last week, it didn't work and I didn't get it. Sorry. Thank @ATT for the bungle move. #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2011-08-06

chad riden — Sat, 06 Aug 2011 22:59:00 +0000

The more you talk about how important music is to you, the higher the probability that your favorite music sucks. #
I'm at my parents house, taking notes. Should I write a one man show? or notify the authorities? I'm still undecided. #
If dudes wore make-up there'd be shitty "make your own make-up!" kits that we would dread getting as gifts. #
Please message me if you have any tips for monetizing my ability to attract ticks. #
my dad has a folder on his computer called "Book" – I haven't read it all, but I can now say it is a race to see who can publish this first. #
instead of rewind, my 5-year-old nephew Elliott says, "can you fast it backwards?" #KidsSayTheGodDamnedestThings #
OMG, Police Academy 2 on @ComedyCentral! Sorry, StuffINeedToDo, something way better just came up. #
My parents have a fake barking dog motion sensor alarm thing just like Sweetchuck, except theirs is just the noisemaker. #PoliceAcademy2 #
The dialogue in #PoliceAcademy2 makes up about 95% of the phrases my brothers and I use to communicate with each other. #
When I worked w Bobcat Goldthwait I told him how much I <3 the Police Academy movies. He didn't want to talk to me for the rest of the week. #
I don't trust self-identified "geek"s – if you call yourself a "nerd" or a "dork" I can respect it. Geek = fashionable. Nerds aren't trendy. #
You can't please everybody.. and even if you could there would be some people who'd hate you for THAT. #
Every once in a while I get the urge to update all the local weathermen on MY situation as it continues to develop.. but I DON'T, do I? #
RT @tnlive Total voter turnout was 19.71% // About what percentage of those people are retirement age goofs with nothing better to do? in reply to tnlive #
.@laughspincom If the Short Circuit remake does not star Steve Guttenberg and G.W. Bailey they might as well skip ahead to Short Circuit 2. in reply to laughspincom #
If you ever get a chance to see @KeithAlberstadt live, you should. If you're in Nashville you have 5 more chances this week. Don't blow it! in reply to KeithAlberstadt #
Very disappointed to find that both "Steve Guttenberg fan club"s on Facebook seem to be disingenuous. You morons just don't get it. #
@normmacdonald YES! do a podcast! You telling stories. @ComedyPodcast would be honored to host it. in reply to normmacdonald #
Flippity flu! #
@TheKennyRogers @billywaynedavis @bradbradbrad @jesseisterrific @seanparrott // Bless you, sir! Especially the beard part of you. in reply to TheKennyRogers #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2011-07-30

chad riden — Sat, 30 Jul 2011 22:59:00 +0000

RT @seanparrott @Chadriden You're doing great. // i'm glad *somebody* thought so.. even if only in a sarcastic, sadistic way. in reply to seanparrott #
RT @seanparrott @chadriden Your soul is un-crushable.// They can't crush what has already been smashed.. can't kill what is already dead. in reply to seanparrott #
RT @KatrinaLColeman I woke up in the hospital and someone left a baby here. // how much do you want for it? I've got cash. in reply to KatrinaLColeman #
@emilyvolman threats of violence?public shame? Bribes? Empty promises of sexual favors? Noogies? @bradbradbrad @seanparrott in reply to emilyvolman #
@TheRealRoseanne I thought bill hicks died of pancreatic cancer? in reply to TheRealRoseanne #
When I meet new people I probably shouldn't lead off the conversation with my, "I once punched a mouse to death" story. #
My daughter, @CalliaRiden has asked me to tell all of you to go watch her videos on YouTube: http://t.co/Tz2xPSZ #
The podcast with the most laughs per minute I've ever heard is @JesseIsTerrific at @ComedyPodcast http://t.co/80fPVQc ..it is fantastic. in reply to JesseIsTerrific #
I'm at @ZaniesNashville tonight.. if you want free tickets, just let me know. in reply to zaniesnashville #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2011-07-23

chad riden — Sat, 23 Jul 2011 22:59:00 +0000

When I say I’m going to eat more fruits and vegetables I’m talking about olives soaked in gin. For my health. #
Saturday, I’ll be coming out of comedy retirement for this special show at the Bluesboro in Murfreesboro, TN: http://t.co/nF1Wa7N #
Screw planking, it’s all about backwards running now: http://t.co/xGEkiGf #
Running is my passive aggressive way of making sure my knees and ankles know they ain’t no better’n me. #
RT @angelbomb @ChadRiden Hey come up to Minneapolis and make us laugh. Please… // I’d love to! @AcmeComedyCo is the bestest. in reply to angelbomb #
after seeing the promo for IFC’s “Whisker Wars” I think I’ve found my true calling: competitive facial hair growing. http://t.co/mmwra2m #
.@natebargatze you got screwed by Super Dave. I was excited to see him until I realized how much time he was killing. in reply to natebargatze #
Short set tonight in Nashville: http://t.co/yQyV4rs.php?eid=220599524649113 & Saturday doing an hour in Murfreesboro: http://t.co/nF1Wa7N #
Amy Winehouse dead!? NO. Didn’t see that one coming. Did. Not. #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2011-07-16

chad riden — Sat, 16 Jul 2011 22:59:00 +0000

7:30 Tonight I’ll be at @ZaniesNashville with @RoryScovel @HenLips and POSSIBLY @DannyLimor if my peer pressure guilt trip works on him. #
RT @ShanaKohnstamm You do not possess the skill to guilt trip @DannyLimor to perform // NONSENSE! he just did 5 minutes and killed. I win! in reply to ShanaKohnstamm #
Why, hello Google+! Social media is the easiest way for me to waste time doing everything in my power to repel women. http://t.co/c08xVIv #
RT @talkingpaul I am looking forward to not being behind. // Too late! #F Paul Strickland errbody, he’s fun and good and stuff. in reply to talkingpaul #
every time I notice new ‘social networking’ / marketing expert followers I think, “Welcome, Future Unfollower!” #
I started running again.. as if THAT’s the problem. Too bad there aren’t treadmills for personalities. #
Whenever two dudes are singing into one microphone I hear nothing they sing while I wonder why these weirdos didn’t just set up two mics. #
Little Known Nashville Fact: The Country Music Hall of Fame has a display featuring Kenny Rogers’ original face. #
Little Known Nashville Fact: the replica of the Parthenon is made of cinder blocks and Bondo. #
Little Known Nashville Fact: the Demonbreun roundabout statue is Nashville’s tribute and salute to group-sex: http://t.co/n7RzY4i #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2011-07-09

chad riden — Sat, 09 Jul 2011 22:59:00 +0000

I'm on a boat!

I’m on a boat! http://t.co/BtcNlXT #
RT @angelbomb @ChadRiden but are you also on a horse? // you mean smack? Of course! in reply to angelbomb #
@RySing I especially like you when you tweet like a dickhead, so keep it up. in reply to RySing #
This lady keeps calling red skelton “red skeleton” as she tells me how much she loved him. #
All annoying little kids out there take note: You better be cute and polite! we’re not gonna tolerate any shit from you #caseyanthonyverdict #
CMT just emailed me saying, “enter for a chance to win a trip to Nashville.” I’m here, looking for a chance to LEAVE Nashville. @FollowCMT #
Tonight I’ll be at @ZaniesNashville with pals @HenLips and @RoryScovel. 7:30 showtime. Don’t screw this one up it’s gonna be awesometastic. #
.@FollowCMT I don’t WANT to leave.. my music career never panned out in Music City, so I’m headed off to give comedy a shot in Chuckle Town. in reply to FollowCMT #
RT @lizwearstights Vomited on the way home. Love you guys.// I deserve the love but I blame the vomit on @JimJefferies @HenLips @RoryScovel in reply to lizwearstights #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2011-07-02

chad riden — Sat, 02 Jul 2011 22:59:00 +0000

watching @janettemccurdy battle-rap on @nickelodeontv. Why, what are YOU doing? #
Tonight! 7:30pm The @nsup Showcase at @ZaniesNashville f. the v. funny @JarrodHarris! Watch a clip of him on @ComedyCentral: bit.ly/llckGN #
My favorite spot in Nashville: http://t.co/dPsu806 #
RT @FlavorFlav Show ‘Em Whatcha Got! // flav tweets exactly what I would tweet if I had an imposter flavor flav parody account. Love it. in reply to FlavorFlav #
Two ladies from last night’s audience CLAIMED to be from Texas but did NOT respond to me singing, “the stars at night are big and bright..” #
Someone should blog recaps of bloggers’ tv show recaps so us busy people can also not read recaps of recaps of shows we don’t watch. #
I can’t wait ’till I can post this exact same crap to the exact same people on @Google+ – I think I’ll start a Google Wave & Buzz about it. #
Talking about how Rosie Huntington-Whiteley is a terrible actress is like saying ice cream isn’t healthy. #
@news_va_en I hope the Pope tweets insanely ignorant stuff for future Catholics to ignore w/ their unforgivably irresponsible faith-blinders in reply to news_va_en #
.@news_va_en what’s the going price on Catholic Indulgences these days? What if I buy in bulk? Can I use a Groupon? Forgive my ignorance. #
2 days ago I had Nothing. Last night I rambled untested gibberish for 15 min. Tonight I cut it down to a tight, solid five. I love comedy. #
RT @Anundson really? // no, just kidding. Five minute version of Freebird and I was outta there. in reply to Anundson #
I would like to do a data backup, format, fresh software reinstall and selective data restore on my brain. then verify & repair permissions. #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2011-06-25

chad riden — Sat, 25 Jun 2011 23:59:00 +0000

Happy Dead-Beat Father’s Day! Comedy Show 6-7pm TONIGHT at @ListeningRoom in Cummins Station, no cover! :: http://t.co/AgjSDN9 #
Look everybody, now they’ve got VEGETARIAN beans! How. Do. They. Do. It. http://t.co/QQH4UIj #
.@normmacdonald I feel like we’ve let YOU down. I love everything you do, but holy shit do I hate everything about sports. start podcasting! in reply to normmacdonald #
I secretly hoped Tracy Morgan would talk about butt-fucking the whole time this morning. That would have been a hilariously meta call-back. #
I’ve never believed video games could make you violent, but if I ever see a green pig wearing a hard hat I’ll probably throw something at it #
just called @comcast @comcastcares trying to turn off the phone service I never use but w/o that service my bill would have been higher? wtf #
.@flewintheair I’m pretty sure @Comcast has some money laundering scheme going on.. Nothing they do makes any sense. in reply to flewintheair #
@KatrinaLColeman @anundson I’m NOT raising money for a drunk driving dead beat dad. Instead of wasting money on booze support your f’n kids. in reply to KatrinaLColeman #
Driving my car in or out of my garage makes me feel like a low budget suburbanite Batman. #
Thanks to everybody who #FF‘d me. #FF you, too, buddy. #FF you, too. #
hey @Anundson I have a lead on a brainwashing seminar / cult indoctrination weekend you might be interested in. It’s only $200 to register. #
The only people who ever actually follow me after someone #FF‘s me is the other people who were listed in the same #FF . so it’s not working #
#FF Dre! #FF Snoop! #FF Death Row! Now here comes my left blow! (am I doing this right?) #FF Eazy-E, wherever he is right now errbody. #
When single people have the same options to join each others’ health plans & tax breaks like married couples then THAT’s equality. #
My brother Eric is the only person I know who could be (and is) totally pissed off about avocados. I feel the same way about chipotle. #
i will not be impressed until my car can just wake me up when we get there. http://t.co/QssCbLP #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2011-06-18

chad riden — Sat, 18 Jun 2011 23:59:00 +0000

Freedom Of Speech “..just watch what you say.” ♫ http://blip.fm/~15awis #
“..if I gotta play by your rules, I’m being phony.” ♫ http://blip.fm/~15awn5 #
@buzzTouchApp is awesomeness! You can create iPhone / Android apps, even if you’re an idiot! #
a LOT of vintage porn has WAYYYYY more rape scenarios than seems appropriate or necessary.. or, so I’m told. #
Travel like a king;
Listen to the inner voice;
A higher wisdom is at work for you; #
Conquering the stumbling blocks come easier;
When the conqueror is in tune with the infinite; #
Every ending is a new beginning;
Life is an endless unfoldment;
Change your mind, and you change your relation to time; #
You can find the answer;
The solution lies within the problem;
The answer is in every question;
Dig it? #
An attitude is all you need to rise and walk away;
Inspire yourself;
Your life is yours;
It fits you like your skin; #
The oak sleeps in the acorn;
The giant sequoia tree sleeps in its tiny seed;
The bird waits in the egg;
God waits for his unfoldment in man #
Fly on, children;
Play on. #
You gravitate to that which you secretly love most;
You meet in life the exact reproduction of your own thoughts; #
There is no chance, coincidence or accident;
In a world ruled by law and divine order; #
You rise as high as your dominant aspiration;
You descend to the level of your lowest concept of your self; #
Free your mind and your ass will follow #
The infinite intelligence within you knows the answers;
Its nature is to respond to your thoughts; #
Be careful of the thought-seeds you plant in the garden of your mind;
For seeds grow after their kind; #
Play on, children. #
Every thought felt as true;
Or allowed to be accepted as true by your conscious mind;
Take roots in your subconscious; #
Blossoms sooner or later into an act;
And bears its own fruit; #
Good thoughts bring forth good fruit;
Bullshit thoughts rot your meat;
Think right, and you can fly. #
The kingdom of heaven is within.
Free your mind, and your ass will follow.Play on, children.
Sing on, lady. #
“Good Thoughts, Bad Thoughts” (George Clinton, Eddie Hazel) #
I know it’s just a video game, but Cat Woman in Batman: Arkham City has a fantastic ass. #E3ONG4 #
I shot guns with Whitehurst yesterday. My ears are still ringing and I feel like I’m crawling with ticks. Spending today naked just in case. #
Tuesday in Nashville! the @NSup Showcase at @ZaniesNashville featuring myself and comics hand-picked by me b/c they’re funny and stuff. $5! #
.@NC5 interviewed me about the Tracy Morgan controversy for tonight’s 6pm news. Had I known Police Academy 3 was on CC I wouldn’t have gone. #
thanks @NC5 and @NC5_AmandaHara for making me look so darn handsome on the tv tonight. See you tomorrow at 7 for “OpenLine” on NC5+ #
The Tracy Morgan controversy is NOT about Tracy.it’s 100% about TN HB 600 / SB 632 http://t.co/8iOZ59K & “Don’t Say Gay” http://t.co/aRBatMb #
Both TN HB 600 / SB 632 & Stacy Campfield’s ridiculous “Don’t Say Gay” legislation are terrible but GLAAD is using Tracy Morgan as a pawn. #
LGBT rights / equality is important & TN is a hotbed right now.. but by demonizing Tracy Morgan, the new victim has become free speech. #
Comedians – and all artists of any medium – must be able to communicate whatever they want, however they see fit. #
As soon as one subject/word/idea is “off limits” then it’s ALL taboo. Tracy’s words were in the context of a show, NOT a political statement #
Tracy’s act was paraphrased second-hand in text by someone who was offended by a performer who has said similar things many times before. #
Yes, it was “violent imagery” and it would be “disturbing” IF you thought he would act out literal interpretations of his ACT in REAL LIFE. #
Sometimes I say the exact opposite of what I mean and exaggerate view points I totally DISAGREE with, but sarcasm doesn’t translate to text. #
Don’t take the literal meaning of the text of the words comedians say in their ACTS and use that to try to judge their REAL WORLD opinions. #
Johnny Cash did not kill a guy in Reno. Steven Wright didn’t have a pony. Tracy Morgan wouldn’t stab his kid in the neck. Use your brain. #
If special interest groups who exist ONLY to be offended by things are allowed to dictate what artists can say.. Freedom of Speech is dead. #
@emilyvolman @jenhen @StevenWright‘s “I Have A Pony” is a MUST OWN: http://t.co/bepR37W #
I’ll be on @NC5‘s “Open Line” show tonight from 7-8pm on NC5+ discussing the Tracy Morgan controversy. You can call in: 615-737-7587 #
RT @Anundson I want to apologize for @ChadRiden for saying gaydar on openline. // mark, you’re the best. Your call was hilarious. Thanks! in reply to Anundson #
Thanks for putting up with my crap, @NC5 – I think it was a pretty good show. I appreciate the opportunity to talk about things and stuff. #
RT @Anundson @ChadRiden great job buddy // Thanks. I still have no idea what I have to do to my tv to find @NC5+ – is it magically hidden? in reply to Anundson #
I think @NC5+ will replay the Open Line show at 6am & 11am and probably more times, who knows. See if I get any funnier each time it plays. #
Instead of giving my dog Guido a haircut I’m thinking about giving him nappy, knotty dreads.. or maybe corn rows. Someone braid my dog 4 me? #
Just got a “runner’s high” for the first time in 16+ years. Not so impressive once you’ve had ‘shrooms. #
Chuck Norris doesn’t wanna make @BrianBatesComic angry. #
Chuck Norris is scared to look in the mirror and say @BrianBatesComic 5 times. #
Casinos are arcades for elderly people who like unimaginative games with terrible graphics, primitive controls and repetitive gameplay. #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2011-06-11

chad riden — Sat, 11 Jun 2011 23:59:00 +0000

Putting out an APB on both Donna Howard & Ron Sprowl, last seen (as far as I know) in knoxville, tn. Any info would be appreciated. Thanks #
If parents spent time raising THEIR kids instead of deciding what’s bad for MINE, nobody’d be as screwed up as Rihanna http://t.co/Ft917M8 #
FL Woman Attacks Roommate With Butter // The assault with butter charge won’t stick. http://t.co/Kwn2ofd #
8th Grade Field Trip Stops for Lunch at Hooters // So what? We had a Scared Straight program at our school, too. http://t.co/BeyhcXP #
Simon Cowell Becomes Bad Botox Victim// we need something to inject into people to make their personalities less ugly http://t.co/vwXuTBo #
USDA Unveils New ‘MyPlate’ Dietary Diagram // a plate? they should’ve made one in the shape of a fast food bag http://t.co/isBybrB #
Before Japan is allowed to build the Death Star, I want my own working lightsaber, an X-wing fighter and a wookie. http://t.co/MQZfRYw #
I was at the @RealTracyMorgan show at @TheRyman in Nashville.. I was not “offended.” I knew what kind of music the band played b4 I went. #
way to be a bummer, dead lady at @Bonnaroo. #
they found the dead lady at @Bonnaroo when the foul stench in the air started smelling less and less of body odor and patchouli. #
will do //RT @tnlife Would you be willing to share your perspective on the Tracy Morgan show w/ us? Shoot an email to jbliss@tennessean.com in reply to tnlife #
Reaction to @RealTracyMorgan’s homophobic rant & the backlash that followed http://t.co/XBAl0qh @nsup @Tennessean #
ha ha! @Tennessean *almost* spelled my name right: http://t.co/Sk6DUmT #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2011-06-04

chad riden — Sat, 04 Jun 2011 23:59:00 +0000

I think I made some lifelong friends at Springwater Supperclub in Nashville tonight . Good times #
.@RobHaynes @Gary__Fletcher @johnthorntonjr hell, all of @NashvilleComedy sorry for the mess guys. I guess I owe someone a pitcher of beer? in reply to RobHaynes #
I get thrown out of bars A LOT. It’s ALWAYS for a good reason. It’s ALWAYS worth it. I always wish I had video of it. I’m never sorry. #
I treated a heckler to a free full pitcher of beer. All over him. Then I put the pitcher on his head like a hat. Then I had to leave. #
watching You Got Served on TBS has inspired me to find my local $50,000 dance off competition and go rip it up, yo! That’s how I do. #
.@Ralphie_May f-this open mic’er shit, make me famous, fatty. My act isn’t gonna do it on it’s own. Help a brother out. in reply to Ralphie_May #
.@Ralphie_May c’mon, you know I love every ounce of you. in reply to Ralphie_May #
.@CNN – “War on drugs has failed, report finds” // the results of my personal investigation support these findings, but research continues.. #
If the sun refused to shine, I would still be loving you.. but as it stands, the sun continues to shine quite amicably, so.. you know.. #
when mountains crumble to the sea, it’s every man for himself. #
LAST CHANCE to register to win FREE @RealTracyMorgan tickets @TheRyman from @nsup Fri. 6/3! @ 5pm we stop taking entries! http://j.mp/eGbpGK in reply to nsup #
HA! “Friends!? Comedians don’t have friends! They have ex-wives and irritable bowel syndrome!” – Comedy Devil Don Rickles on @TheDailyShow in reply to TheDailyShow #
Tracy Morgan promised to get me pregnant tonight. (@ Ryman Auditorium w/ 16 others) http://4sq.com/kRi4by #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2011-05-28

chad riden — Sat, 28 May 2011 23:59:00 +0000

when laying the groundwork for your silly cult.. you can say, “the end is near!” ..but if you set a specific date, you’re limiting yourself. #
you know, we could achieve nearly the same effect if everybody who *believed* they’d be raptured today would just kill themselves. #
cable tv networks are really missing a great opportunity if they don’t play Kirk Cameron’s “Left Behind” movie tomorrow. #
Actually the rapture DID happen but it turns out ALL of the religions are so far off-base that NOBODY is worthy, “chosen” or special. Sorry. #
Happy Birthday to my favorite person ever, @CalliaRiden http://t.co/ZfVZ2vl #
Encourage Tennessee to “Say Gay” http://t.co/YOwfgpF via @change :: please RT, @SarahKSilverman, @jlalondecomedy, everybody #
TONIGHT! @Renardcomedy Hirsch @BradBradBrad Edwards & @ChadRiden at @LimelightTN (FREE admission if you mention twitter) http://j.mp/kZRA0s #
.@NC5 has pre-empted @Late_Show for severe weather coverage. Nothing personal, but I’d rather die in a tornado than listen to local wx guys. #
RT @NC5 NC5_HeatherGraf live in downtown Nashville. Says lots of lightning is lighting up the sky. // very insightful. more updates please! in reply to NC5 #
oh look! it’s the storm graphically represented in 3D! awesome! pointless! useless! but awesome! #
Truly the most compelling way to spread the word about Jesus must be to write his name in the dirt on the back of a 18 wheeler with a finger #
My neighbor and I just got our tea leaves read by a random dude in Kroger who claimed to be a prophet of God & everything he said was true. #
RT @andyandyfleming This bar is full of people who look like @chadriden. Surely this is not the next style?//WELCOME TO THE FUTURE, BITCHES! in reply to andyandyfleming #
@BenBergman how do you read someones tea leaves?//with an ethereal decoder ring found in a burlap sack of green tea at the Asian supermarket in reply to BenBergman #
@BenBergman how do you read someones tea leaves?// with his third eye? I dunno. He just walked up and machine-gunned us with insightfulness. in reply to BenBergman #
@andyandyfleming I imagine it being like stumbling into a cornfield of clones of The Sheriff on Squidbillies but it’s Chad Ridens in a bar. in reply to andyandyfleming #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2011-05-21

chad riden — Sat, 21 May 2011 23:59:00 +0000

Beat ch’yer tired, regional stereotypes, y’all! They need a whoopin! I ain’t above beatin’ ‘em if you won’t! WOOOOOOOOOO! #
Just did a set sandwiched by burlesque acts. I’ve wasted the last 10 years fooling around in comedy clubs, but I think I’ve found my niche. #
The only thing @Gartner_inc has been 100% right about is how to make $$$$$$$$ off of people who don’t know enough to form their own opinion. #
I wish I could fwd all non-comedians to Mitch Hedberg’s notebook during conversations: http://mitchhedberg.net/probes/scary-situation/ #
RT @comedynews @TheRealRoseanne on Roseanne: “Fame’s a bitch” http://bit.ly/l6TGpg // <= an absolute must-read in reply to comedynews #
.@Ralphie_May just admit that you love me. It’s ok. in reply to Ralphie_May #
Knoxville 8pm tonight at @Latitude_35 w/ @BillyWayneDavis & @jlalondecomedy :: last time, *someone* drove a car down a flight of stairs.. #
Ha! HA! @Ralphie_May you don’t have to put gum in my hair to get my attention, you’re on my radar. Keep at it, you’re gonna make it someday. in reply to Ralphie_May #
RIP Randy Macho Man Savage! http://t.co/o8o0GY3 #
Twitter is a fantastic place to go to hear the same pedestrian “first stab” dead celebrity joke 7,000 times an hour. #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2011-05-14

chad riden — Sat, 14 May 2011 23:59:00 +0000

I can’t start the laundry without snickering when I read “large load.” #happymothersday #
in honor of Mother’s Day, today I’m telling everybody I see to tuck in their shirt, stop slouching and pick their clothes up off the floor. #
“Most of the guys that I really enjoy, you never heard of and never will cause they’re fuck up, fringe element comics.” http://j.mp/kbqFgq #
ATTN NYC: I will be all up in you as soon as Thurs. Prepare for my arrival by stockpiling the best beef jerky and the cheapest cheap swill. #
Somebody asked me if I have ever had a “moment of clarity.” NO! 100% of the time my mind is murky with insanity. Thanks for asking! #
Dear state of Virginia, You should not put a restaurant or gas station logo on an interstate exit sign if it is miles & miles down the road. #
heads up: an old school bus full of grown men wearing camouflage outfits (non-military) is headed southbound on I-81 in VA. So.. beware.. #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2011-05-07

chad riden — Sat, 07 May 2011 23:59:00 +0000

The rain in Milwaukee smells like a wet hamster. A drunk, wet hamster. #
Dan Whitehurst and I just swerved to miss a black bear in the road! about 30 minutes south of Harris, MI. #
RT @KatrinaLColeman:”Surely you stopped and gave @bradbradbrad a ride.” // nope! He was 780 miles out of our way. Sorry Capital B. in reply to KatrinaLColeman #
RT @KatrinaLColeman:”Surely you stopped and gave @bradbradbrad a ride.” // OH! You were referring to how Brad is a fat, hairy gay man. #
I think this AM radio host just round-about accused @BarackObama of being on “Colored People Time.” #
Time to chime in, Everybody. #
Every soldier on that Bin Laden mission is an instant hero. Book deals, movies, free BJs for life – for every one of em. #
Lee Greenwood’s rotary landline phone is ringing off the hook. #
Water cooler office funny guys around the world are cracking their knuckles. My mom is FWD’ing Jesus-themed chainletters as fast as she can. #
Thousands of @cafePress shop owners are furiously Photoshopping infinite variations of the same three Osama Bin Laden jokes. #
At every truck stop I’ve been in today, I’ve been dying to scream out, “Osama Yo Momma!” just so I could count the high fives. #
mentally making lemonade #
I’m doing a short guest set on this: //RT @BillyWayneDavis Tonight @gobananascomedy in Cincinnati Kooks w @rysing @tomsimmonscomedy and me in reply to BillyWayneDavis #
RT @superpixels “You fuckers bragging about inbox zero?..” // I’m more productive than all of you with my inbox 16,825. http://t.co/7Un8Xd0 in reply to superpixels #
Please don’t compliment me when I’m drunk – I’ll give you my “how dare you like me!” speech. #
I really wish Sober Chad had no knowledge of Drunk Chad and vice versa. Each me only uses that info to hurt the other. #
Travel tip: in a pinch, toenail clippers are a handy & terrible way to trim your mustache. #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2011-04-30

chad riden — Sat, 30 Apr 2011 23:59:00 +0000

so God sends Jesus.. we kill him.. then we celebrate his brutal murder. What if we DIDN’T kill him, and instead acted like he told us to? #
hey @BillyWayneDavis @PunchlineMag thinks you’re adorable: http://j.mp/fAEVHb B-dub and Punchline sittin’ in a tree.. K-I-S-S-I-N-G! #
If someone has a shopping cart with 20-something cartons of soy milk, they’re bat shit, right? There can’t be a real reason for that. #
RT @birq Maybe they’re making soy meth. // If that were true, soy milk would be the lamest way to catch a buzz, ever. in reply to birq #
Even the awesomest massage chairs are still pretty terrible. Is a little league team jabbing me with baseball bats? No, “Full back refresh.” #
The lady doing my pedicure: “I feel like you King Kong! You SO BIG, I so small!” Keep talkin’ lady. #
RT @nprnews Is The Dalai Lama Playing A Dangerous Game? n.pr/gsqgzQ // Russian roulette? in reply to nprnews #
Headed Northbound on I-65 north of louisville round about the 29 mile marker, lookin fer that Smokey Bear report. Come on back, Southbound. #
RT @nprnews A Business That Helps Prostitutes Bloom In Recovery n.pr/dV03ne //the Magdalene program in Nashville! Awesome ladies, every one. in reply to nprnews #
RT @Anundson all clear to Derby city. Don’t be a dirty dan // 10-4 good buddy, I’m puttin’ the hammer down! in reply to Anundson #
I’m the youngest person in this casino by at least 450 years. #
I want to see @BarackObama‘s Social Security card. Why won’t he show it to us? What is he afraid of revealing? #
I’m faxing this to @JayLeno:”They made an Atlas Shrugged movie. Didja see those box office numbers? turns out, AMERICA SHRUGGED. (cue:music) #
the dumbest voices are always the loudest #
Pssst! This guy is a dildo. Pass it on. (Kewadin Casino, St. Ignace, MI.) http://t.co/l3J9Umm #
Just ripped a honey packet open like a meth’ed-up Winnie the Pooh. #honeypocalypse2011 #
I can’t take England / the British seriously precisely because of THIS faeiry tale horseshit that they refuse to just STOP doing. #rw2011 #
Oh, you’re “royalty”? Go fuck yourself. #rw2011 #
There is a woman here singing karaoke who sounds EXACTLY like Elvis in his prime. I suspect it’s really Bob Zmuda in drag. Don’t know. #
Fuck your pointless, powerless “royals” and their wedding. When England starts offing these bitches like Henry VIII’s wives, televise that. #
I smile every time @Twitter‘s sidebar lists accounts “Similar to you” & they ARE ME: @ComedyNews @ComedyPodcast @nsup @DruncleSam @i_idiots #
Going to a “beer tasting” in Milwaukee. I will attempt to document how much I end up “tasting” but my math gets bad quickly. #
Beer tasting tally update: a lot. #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2011-04-23

chad riden — Sat, 23 Apr 2011 23:59:00 +0000

I spent a few hours at @nashfilmfest filming stuff. I’ll be back this evening for the 9pm red carpet with a flame-throwing car. #NaFF2011 #
RT @DJ_Spinja “I’m really tempted to go see 13 Assassins!!!” // it does sound awesome.. 9:30 tonight- don’t miss it, suckas! #NaFF2011 in reply to DJ_Spinja #
She always promises the world, but delivers a trailer park. #
So Exxon, Bank of America & GE get HUGE tax breaks.. my take-away: I should totally start a multi-billion $ corporation http://bit.ly/eRC1GJ #
The churchy’s say no abortion.. but God gave you a loophole: for Passover, just “forget” to dump lamb’s blood on your door. Problem solved! #
Trying to read about Passover so I can mock it, but it’s so excruciating- like reading some baseball player’s detailed wacky superstitions. #
You’ve got the right to believe whatever you want, but *I* believe all religions are equally ridiculous. #
a question for @ComedyCentral & @TheComedyAwards: we know how to donate TO “The Comedy Fund” but how do we apply for assistance FROM it? #
a stand-up video from my shows opening for @DougStanhope – “Chad Riden – The Death Penalty: WWJD?” http://bit.ly/deathWWJD #
.@ComedyCentral I see info about donating, the EIF, MPTV Fund & Actors Fund, but not info about how comics qualify for and get assistance. #
4:20 on 4/20! DERRRRRRRRP! #
Read: $$$!//RT @realjeffreyross I get to roast him hard every night in front of an angry mob.. RT @fastlou711 Why are u saving Sheen’s show? in reply to realjeffreyross #
Keep your loud music to yourself, please! Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and this beholder thinks your tunes suck ass. #
Booze.. WWJD? Jesus would turn water into wine and save the party. #
Skanky Whores.. WWJD? Befriend them and be best pals for life. Right, Mary Magdalene? #
.@SarahKSilverman Here’s Stacey Campfield’s blog post about it http://lastcar.blogspot.com/2011/04/dont-teach-gay-bill-passes-senate-ed.html in reply to SarahKSilverman #
.@SarahKSilverman the BIG questions is: what weird gay-sex scandal will eventually force Stacey Campfield to come out of the closet? in reply to SarahKSilverman #
.@SarahKSilverman little known fact: Stacey Campfield’s “don’t say gay” bill was originally called “ignore the gay and it will go away” #
The more often someone says “you know what I’m sayin” the less likely I am to know or care what they are saying. #
thanks to @Anundson @riley_fox @MattWardComedy @superpixels & @JohnUptonComedy for the #FF‘s! #FF you, too! #
saw a black guy at hobby lobby stocking shelves, rocking a Hitler mustache. So, that’s officially a thing you can do again. #
RT @McDonalds The incident in Baltimore is sad and reprehensible. // YOUR FOOD is sad and reprehensible. The Baltimore incident is tragic. in reply to McDonalds #
RT @DJ_Spinja Michael Jordan did it in a commercial. // AH! So that was the green light. I haven’t seen ads since I bought a @TiVo in reply to DJ_Spinja #

stand-up video: “The Death Penalty: WWJD?”

chad riden — Wed, 20 Apr 2011 16:56:55 +0000

Here’s a stand-up video from one of my shows opening for Doug Stanhope – “Chad Riden – The Death Penalty: WWJD?”

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2011-04-16

chad riden — Sat, 16 Apr 2011 23:59:00 +0000

.@WindowsPhone – from the geniuses who brought you the beloved, equally groundbreaking Zune! #
.@WindowsPhone -because Windows isn’t just a shitty os for your low budget, generic desktop computer, now it’s also for your 3rd rate phone! #
RT @wrongforum “@ChadRiden you get a bad phone?” // nope! got an iPhone 4, it’s fantastic.. but these Windows Phone ads are all over in reply to wrongforum #
.@WindowsPhone – FINALLY! @Office on your phone! Just like you’ve ALWAYS wanted.. right, soulless corporate whores? #
RT @McDonalds “families can make the choices that are best for their kids.” // which is exactly why we do not eat your grey rat-meat burgers in reply to McDonalds #
Every time I think about the Sex Pistols I am disappointed that it’s just music and a Sex Pistol isn’t actually a real thing. #
I’m envisioning a Glock-looking ray-gun weapon that makes people start doing it upon impact. #
Stop trying to placate me by talking about the Bop Gun. The Bop Gun frees your mind so your behind will follow. That’s not the same thing. #
all I know about pain medicine is: when they tell you not to drink booze with it, you’d be a fool not to drink booze with it. #
OH! a @Windows “app store”!? What a great idea. How do they come up with such GREAT ideas? Nobody else innovates like that. NOBODY! #
Happy birthday to David Letterman! How will @Late_Show celebrate? My vote: all night, toss stalkers off the roof of the Ed Sullivan Theater. #
Chattanooga, TN tonight @ All You Can Eat Comedy Buffet at 9pm. $5 http://on.fb.me/ez8lqp #
Earlier in the week I blamed a fart on the cat, but I think I owe him an apology. Sorry, “Ace Venture: Snuggles Detective.” #
I love how aluminum siding gives your expensive house that shitty trailer park look and feel. #
Here’s my first #NaFF2011 video.. http://bit.ly/g8GbOq :: I’ll be filming more stuff at @NashFilmFest later this week. #
#BoyICantWaitUntilWeAllCommunicateUsingNothingBut
StupidlyLongHashTagsForEverythingWeEverSay
ForEverAndEverAmen #
in lieu of flowers, please send anything other than flowers. #
V! Thanks, man. Tell the kids I said hey. Then explain to the kids who I am.. but lie. //RT @AKASKA2:”Happy Birthday buddy!! Have a good 1!” in reply to AKASKA2 #
RT @tedalexandro “Predictable move, Tea Party has a black guy hosting.” // is he in a sea of Whitey? in reply to tedalexandro #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2011-04-09

chad riden — Sat, 09 Apr 2011 23:59:00 +0000

Tuesday, April 5th, I’ll be doing a show with The Beards Of Comedy at @ZaniesNashville – 7:30pm, $5 tix: 615-269-0221 http://on.fb.me/fVQdd4 #
My first video for @NashFilmFest is online. It’s 3D, but funny even w/o the glasses http://nafftv.com/2011/04/3d-video-welcome-to-nashville/ #
Can everybody PLEASE just delete their f’ing @hotmail accounts and get on @Gmail already? I’m sick of the constant spam & phishing from you. #
I’m either crawling with chiggers or completely paranoid.. or maybe I need a shower. I can stay seated and do nothing if it’s just paranoia. #
RT @JerriBlank “Someone spray painted some horribly racist word…” // “SOMEONE?” Jerri? Are you sure you don’t have “something to say?” in reply to JerriBlank #
RT @Anundson “Bizrq CDs are being delivered today. Who wants one?” // me me me! http://bit.ly/fUh4Df in reply to Anundson #
Blood pressure 116/60, heart rate 80. Suck on THAT, Italian sausage links! #
RT @JesseIsTerrific: “Nice list, @ChadRiden” // WHAT. This old thing? Aw, thanks! http://twitter.com/#!/list/ChadRiden/people-i-hate in reply to JesseIsTerrific #
.@mindykaling at this point, wouldn’t it just be easier for us to talk about who IS NOT going to do a cameo on The Office finale? 1) Me. in reply to mindykaling #
I LOVE @ComedyCentral & @NormMacDonald & @TheOnion but do not give a half a shit about sports. These are very frustrating times for me. #
When writing about comedy, if your headline contains: “no joke,” “all kidding aside,” or “seriously funny” you are truly ‘lame stream media’ #
RT @comedynews Colin Quinn Long Story Short Premiers on HBO Saturday http://bit.ly/hECgyp in reply to comedynews #
I never remember to do #FF but if I did I’d list these people every week: http://twitter.com/#!/ChadRiden/follow-these-people/members #
RT @JesseIsTerrific “Cool, should be back at house around 8ish.” // awesome! I’ll drop by around 7ish to steal all your shit. in reply to JesseIsTerrific #
RT @BarackObama “..different beliefs came together today” // ..to do what we PAY them to do.. MONTHS later than it should have been done. in reply to BarackObama #

NaFF11 3D: ‘Welcome To Nashville’ video

chad riden — Mon, 04 Apr 2011 18:19:18 +0000

April 14-21 I’ll be working for the Nashville Film Festival as the jackass comedian correspondent for the NaFF TV Team. I’ll be filming a lot of idiotic hijinks and whatnot all throughout the festival – interviewing people, pretending to know anything about film and trying to figure out how much I can get away with given only a laminate and a camera crew.

To kick things off, we spent Friday night / April Fool’s Day on Broadway shooting a bunch of man on the street stuff in 3D. I talked to a lot of tourists and a few locals about movies, cowboy hats, party buses, drinking and country music. We got a lot of really funny footage, but have cobbled together a short little teaser called “Welcome To Nashville.”

It’s in 3D, but it’s funny even if you don’t have the glasses:

Even without the 3D glasses it’s clear that I’m a multi-dimensional talent!

More of these are on the way. BTW, complimentary NaFF TV 3D Glasses will be available at the NaFF BOX OFFICE beginning Thursday, April 14th at 4:00PM.

For infos about the NaFF, visit their website at NashvilleFilmFestival.org and/or follow them on the Twitters: @nashfilmfest. All of the NaFF TV stuff is up at NaFFtv.com.

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2011-04-02

chad riden — Sat, 02 Apr 2011 23:59:00 +0000

“Have you seen this Rebecca Black ‘Friday’ video? It’s TERRIBLE! I’m gonna repost it everywhere & tell everyone I know!” I blame @DanielTosh #
Kids say “guess what?” a LOT. No, YOU guess what? Conversational MadLibs is annoying. Also, Nobody cares about your story at all. #
Took @CalliaRiden to see Diary of a Wimpy Kid 2. The entire theater smells like little kid farts. #
RT @nsup ‘Pound Dogs’ cartoon seeks funding http://bit.ly/eT0SYz // @MikeSalva just needs 334 people to give $5 each! We can do this, guys. in reply to nsup #
@AdultSwim @TheRealEarly I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY THE SQUIDBILLIES THEME IS NO LONGER SUNG BY BILLY JOE SHAVER. wtf guys, come on. #
.@WillieNelson has to sing a song in court to avoid jail: http://bit.ly/e2grIt – I didn’t know the Dukes of Hazzard was still in production. #
“Own the meatballs” – new BIZRQ cd available now: http://nashvillestandup.com/new-bizrq-cd-glass-half-meatballs-drops-today/ @Anundson @birq #
Wiped, completely reinstalled everything on my phone. The default setting for Everything seems to be ‘Annoy The Shit Out Of Chad.’ #
Officially stricken with my 2nd major sickness of 2011: shingles. Some call it Old Man Super Herpes Disease-O-Rama.. I call it weeks of FUN! #
DRUNK WARS documents drunks in their undisturbed natural habitat. Episode 20,110,312: http://bit.ly/DrunkWars #
RT @DJ_Spinja “YIKES!! I hope you’re better soon!” // I wish Twitter’s ‘Add your location’ function would allow me to say ‘on my death bed.’ in reply to DJ_Spinja #
RT @nsup: The album @ReggieWatts recorded live in Nashville is now at @Thirdmanvault – vinyl LP only, no digital. Go pick it up: http://bit.ly/RW3rd
RT @nsup: Listening to @ReggieWatts‘ live @Thirdmanvault record. Can clearly hear @SeanParrott & @ChadRiden laughing hysterically bit.ly/RW3rd
RT “@seanparrott: @Chadriden Is it finally out?” // it’s out! Go get it: bit.ly/RW3rd #
@NPR‘s Science Friday is about to do a funny scientific comedy show today for April Fools Day. Please don’t I’m already in enough pain. #
Just shot a bunch of man on the street stuff in 3D for @nashfilmfest – should be online Monday-ish. Get your 3D glasses ready. #
Got your 3D glasses? BEHOLD! AFCOAT on Broadway earlier tonight for @nashfilmfest, looking amazingly life-like. http://twitpic.com/4fxeju #
Hey April Fools Day Jokers, “unfunny lie” is NOT the same thing as a “joke” or a “prank”:
http://splitsider.com/2011/04/ugh-april-fools-day #
One of the few things I hate about having a kid: waking up at 5am with Big Time Rush stuck in my head. Also: knowing Big Time Rush exists. #
RT “@ohexcuseme: just imagine It’s Slayer.”// you’re stronger than I. @nickelodeonTV‘s insta-tween-star factory will be the death of me. #

DRUNK WARS: Episode 20,110,312

chad riden — Thu, 31 Mar 2011 01:45:49 +0000

Hilarious Comedian Chad Riden’s DRUNK WARS documents drunks in their undisturbed natural habitat.

DRUNK WARS: Episode 20,110,312 – watch more funny videos

Episode 20,110,312
SYRACUSE, IN

Hilarious comedian Chad Riden arrived at the venue and parked his car. As he walked around the corner toward the front door, it BURST open and a very, VERY drunk couple were THROWN out. In the air. By big dudes.

They tumbled into a group walking in, who pushed them back into the bouncers. The drunk guy said, “WOAH, we’re getting’ thrown out AND BACK IN!”

Just seconds after arriving, Chad pulls out his phone to capture the moment..

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2011-03-26

chad riden — Sat, 26 Mar 2011 23:59:00 +0000

My video response to “What made Mr. Rogers such a big hit with the ladies?” #VYou http://vyou.com/a/218627 #
My video response to “Where do babies come from?” #VYou http://vyou.com/a/218643 #
My video response to “If you were on death row, what would you want for your last meal?” #VYou http://vyou.com/a/218651 #
My video response to “What movie do you hate the most??” #VYou http://vyou.com/a/218663 #
My video response to “What is something that people spend way too much money for when there are better so…” #VYou http://vyou.com/a/218681 #
My video response to “Oh no! They made you all watch that poor unicorn or whatever it was, die over and o…” #VYou http://vyou.com/a/218694 #
My video response to “were you upset when the sarah silverman program was cancelled? do you still keep in…” #VYou http://vyou.com/a/218704 #
My video response to “have your got your nintendo wii yet?” #VYou http://vyou.com/a/218858 #
I just pledged to help fund @MikeSalva‘s POUND DOGS cartoon project on @Kickstarter – you should too! YES, YOU SHOULD: http://kck.st/dJCUzq #
TONIGHT! the @nsup Showcase at @ZaniesNashville featuring @SeanParrott plus @IronComic &more! $5 615-269-0221 or http://bit.ly/NSupZaniesTix #
April 14-21 I’ll be working for @nashfilmfest as the NaFF TV Team 2011 Festival (jackass comedy) Correspondent: http://nafftv.com/2011-team/ #
Watching “In Plain Sight” on @Netflix. In EVERY episode two agents say to each other, “WHAT!? I thought YOU were watching [the witness]?!” #
For the last few days whenever I watch tv, every time I hear a bleep I say “FUCK!” Try it. It’s really fun.. especially with reality shows. #
There aren’t many things more entertaining to me than when I hear / see someone invoke my brother Kirk’s quote: “If shit sucks, leave.” #
RT “@mattwardcomedy: @ChadRiden thanks again for the video and for running a great show at Zanies!” // thanks for doing it, buddy #
RT “@yaulp: I think it’s time we saw a picure of @ChadRiden in a Wonder Woman outfit…” // I’m certain that you are all alone on that one. #
RT “@nashfilmfest: We want the funny! http://t.co/ZdRw19s” // you got me instead! Sorry in advance, errbody. #
Is Natasha Leggero rapping? Of course she is. Why woudn’t she be? It’s hilarious because she isn’t somebody you’d expect to be rapping! #
You’ll find rapping during a stand-up comedy show in @AndyKindler‘s The Hack’s Handbook: section 6-B: http://www.andykindler.com/none.html #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2011-03-19

chad riden — Sat, 19 Mar 2011 23:59:00 +0000

As I was walking toward the venue’s door, it burst open and a couple were THROWN out. He screamed,”We were just bein’ LOUD AND DRUNK! WTF!?” #
TSOYA is a show/podcast about things that are Awesome. I send a donation to @youngamerican every month to pay back karmic debt. #MaxFunDrive #
RT @RobHaynes “@ChadRiden that reminds me of every Bob Seger song ever.”// HERE I gooooooooooOOOOOOO! tuuuuurrrn the paaaaage. in reply to RobHaynes #
The commotion seems to be that they’ve got about 15 girls in one cage and some of the girls started to fight with each other #ChadByChadWest #
Every once in a while I find out that something I’m looking for no longer even exists and I realize how old I am and it makes me a little sad. #
RT “@riley_fox: How the hell did I drive all the way to Indianapolis only to run into @ChadRiden? #foxinindy // I’m international! good 2cu #
I’ve been playing a LOT of @jasonmcleod‘s @basjian – a FUN Ultima-esque not-so-massive multiplayer online game written in javascript & node. #
RT “@mrseanpatton I just smoked a cigarette.. I am done smoking.” // Bullllllshit. Did some kind soul “buy” that pack for you, Mr. Loophole? in reply to mrseanpatton #
RT “@DougStanhope If you’re reading this on a phone in a bar, I hope they put AIDS in your daiquiri.”// laptop at home!Keep your AIDSy booze in reply to DougStanhope #
#ChadByChadWest has been awessssumm! SO many famous, funny Chads are here, it’s really hard to keep up with everybody I’ve met. #cxcw #
RT @birq: “@ChadRiden I wish I could have gone this year. Tell Chad I said hi.” // will do! Get your tix NOW for #ChadByChadWest 2012! #cxcw in reply to birq #
Still drunk from yesterday’s all night Chad-a-thon. Boy do the Chadyterians at #ChadByChadWest sure know how to party. #cxcw #
St. Louis! Tonight at 9pm:
Brennan’s
4659 Maryland Avenue
Saint Louis, MO 63108
(314) 361-9444
New stories of drunken debauchery & douches! #
Everybody who DIDN’T come with me to St. Louis to do @MattConty‘s show is a fool. A FOOL! This is awesssssum. #
RT @JesseIsTerrific pour a 40 on the ground for Michael Gough, the crazy doctor in “Horror Hospital.” // oh NO! Dr. Christian Storm! Alfred! in reply to JesseIsTerrific #
I just set up my thing at the @VYou http://vyou.com/ChadRiden Are you on the #VYou ? I’m on the VYou. It sounds like an insult – Hey! VYou! #
Just did an interview w/ tv channels 2, 5 and 17 about the show Sat to benefit baby Landon Carpenter in Columbia, TN http://t.co/3n2MKxK #
If you can’t go to the show in Columbia Sat night you can donate to baby Landon’s fund at any middle TN Regions Bank. http://on.fb.me/egqT67 #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2011-03-12

chad riden — Sun, 13 Mar 2011 00:59:00 +0000

@mattwardcomedy when you get hungry, go to Scratch: best pizza on earth. You’ll love it. 100 East Unaka Ave. http://www.scratchbrickoven.com in reply to mattwardcomedy #
TONIGHT! one show only at the @Stardome in Birmingham with @MattDavis – showtime 7:30. tickets @ 205-444-0008 #
Signs the set didn’t go well: waitress says, “well *I* thought you were great!” #
Coyote. #
RT @nsup: The next @nsup Showcase at @ZaniesNashville (w/ @IronComic) is Tuesday March 8th! Tickets are $5: http://bit.ly/NSupZaniesTix #
Your @nsup Showcase @IronComic topic for tonight is: World of Warcraft. Tweet your jokes at @IronComic to qualify. Go! #
For Lent, I’m giving up on life. #
For Lent, I’m giving up on my faith. #
For Lent, I’m giving it up for the troops. #
For Lent, I’m giving it up for the waitstaff. #
For Lent, I’m giving it up for the other comics you’ve seen. #
as a kid, I always wished Spiderman would stop having amazing adventures and take a few minutes to belt out a Bono song. Dreams do come true #
@nsup just got word that the @Belcourt *might* be screening the @billhicks_movie in May. Very excited. http://www.americanthemovie.com/ #
The CNN reporter live in Tokyo keeps showing us the video tapes knocked onto the floor in their office. Big deal,tell an intern to clean up. #
Looking forward to seeing everybody again this year at the Chad By Chad West Festival. It’s always so AWESSSSUUMMM! #cxcw #
I wish I could get a break from all these “marketing guru” douches who are just here to network with all of us Chads. #ChadByChadWest #cxcw #
.@JesseIsTerrific it’s no secret. The Chadyterian Church bankrolled the entire thing. Tax exempt status = better swag bags! #ChadByChadWest in reply to JesseIsTerrific #
Everybody with a platinum holographic foil laminate got a swag bag with an iPad2, the Beatles white album on vinyl and a vial of stem cells. #
@emilyvolman sexist?! This ain’t no sausage fest. There’s three girls for every Chad at #ChadByChadWest – the ladies love #cxcw get on board in reply to emilyvolman #
RT @emilyvolman “..women! THEY ARE NOT FUNNY!”// OH they’re not here to PERFORM.. just to cook, clean and have sex with all the Chads. #cxcw in reply to emilyvolman #
Incredible breakfast buffet here at the #ChadByChadWest fest. Everybody’s a-buzz about the Chaderiffic events scheduled for the day. #cxcw #
I find that most stick figure cartoon families on the back windows of minivans and SUVs I see should be much, much fatter. #
I don’t think newspapers get enough credit for their in depth printed recaps of what was on the Internet yesterday. Bravo! #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2011-03-05

chad riden — Sun, 06 Mar 2011 00:59:00 +0000

(random joke about Charlie Sheen being hilariously on the brink of self-destruction at all times, which I will regret / delete when he dies) #
@CalliaRiden just said, “put some clothes on, daddy. You look like a super lazy person who doesn’t want to do anything.” bingo! #
http://twitvid.com/I5JK5 – This guy just snuck in the back door at @ZaniesNashville to interview @TomGreenLive. Awesome / crazy. #

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RT “@tomgreenlive: @ChadRiden Rock on Chad!!” // this whole weekend has been awesomely insane. Nashville! get tickets for sun night. #
It is with a sadness that I realize I’m too old, fat, drunk and hairy to be in this (and most) bars. #
The temperature inside my house is the exact same as outdoors. the ac/heat(?) is blowing furiously. I’m not sure which way we were headed.. #
tonight I’ll be live tweeting my hilarious,unique take on the live tweeting efforts of live tweeters’ live tweets. LIVE! #
RT @Anundson “@ChadRiden it wasn’t that long ago when you got us thrown out of The Villager.” // I get tossed out of there every time I go. in reply to Anundson #
@JesseIsTerrific I was talking to D about that last night. I’m doing his radio show tuesday, wanna go? http://on.fb.me/mUsiChAll in reply to JesseIsTerrific #
RT @nicoledz “I’d give up my bulk order of Thin Mints to play the SNES Aladdin game” // http://www.snes9x.com/ & http://bit.ly/SNESaladdin in reply to nicoledz #
oscars schmoscars. @TomGreenLive @MrSeanPatton & I’m doing one last show TONIGHT at 7:30pm at @ZaniesNashville – be early, it will sell out. #
Thank you for axing, I’m wearing boots, tattered jeans, a stolen jäger shirt and one of my brothers’ Firestone uniforms (in fatty size). #
I’m just glad *somebody* thanked The Academy.. they’re always the unsung heroes of Oscars night. #
One of my favorite types of douches: loud audience members who are shushed by the staff & then talk loudly about how they were told to stfu. #
RT @tomgreenlive Nashville late last night. http://post.ly/1gLXJ // thanks for the food & laughs, buddy. I had a ball. See ya around! in reply to tomgreenlive #
in feb I did 20 shows in 28 days in 5 cities w/ great comics, including @MariaBamfoo @DougStanhope @TomGreenLive @MrSeanPatton and more #
RT @andyandyfleming “@ChadRiden No one likes a braggart.” // I don’t care! I’m an F-18 powered by Charlie Sheen! WINNING! in reply to andyandyfleming #
RT @andyandyfleming “@ChadRiden it looks like you’ve been doing awesome things. So happy for you.” // I can read the hate between the lines. in reply to andyandyfleming #
Turns out I’ve been deathly ill the last three days. Totally thought it was just a terrible hangover. Oops #
@Late_Show I wish you would webcast the band during commercial breaks. I’d love to hear all of “Ghost Riders In The Sky” right now. #
the doctor’s office just called – confirmed that I do NOT have the flu, nor is it H1N1. I’ve got a tiger blood IV, but am not getting better #
you can’t teach idiots how to not be idiotic. #
I just sent someone a photo of my nut sack. I just pray this doesn’t come back to haunt me some day. #
Sometimes I talk to local open mic’ers and feel like Papa Smurf tactfully trying to explain how the world works to Bigmouth the ogre. #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2011-02-26

chad riden — Sun, 27 Feb 2011 00:59:00 +0000

Tonight in birmingham with @DougStanhope: http://facebook.com/event.php?eid=167552836606289 #
RT “@LeeRoyDiggler: @JesseIsTerrific @ChadRiden Huh?” // Doooooooo whhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaat? #
my head is still spinning a little from this weekend with @DougStanhope – here’s some of my photos :: http://on.fb.me/hBDhDS #
I wonder if Lt. Col. Chad Riden (AFCENT Director of Space Forces Space Control Officer) ever Googles himself & sees me. http://bit.ly/fi5MFr #
Let the record show that this weekend @DougStanhope called me: “wicked funny” once, “fucking brilliant” twice, and “stupid” only one time. #
I’ll be at @ZaniesNashville with @MrSeanPatton wed-thurs & @TomGreenLive fri-sun. Think you can handle that much pure, unfiltered funny!? #
RT “@lesleyrebecca: @ChadRiden @tomgreenlive is coming back? I want to touch the scar again.” // then I’ll see ya this weekend! #
RT “@seanparrott: I’m sorry, Chad. @chadriden” // NO YOU ARE NOT #
If you’re in Nashville and have the night off and you don’t come out to see @MrSeanPatton thursday night you can just go fuck yourself. #
Callia: “Daddy, I’ve heard you say the F-word, but you weren’t mad.. you were laughing on the phone with your friend.” #
RT “@Henlips: Man, It’s a good thing nobody loves me…” // I love you, Henry Phillips! That ain’t the booze talkin. Typing, yes- not talkin #
I wish you nothing but pain in your silly travels especially if they wind up in my octagon! Poetry INDEED leaping from his fingertips. #
RT @latimesent: A new ‘Police Academy’ — a good idea? http://lat.ms/edNOPV // OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG #
due to a trimming mishap earlier today my beard is only operating at 80% of it’s normal power. We’re working to restore functionality asap. #
I tried a gel-fueled beard comb-over but it did not meet quality control standards. #BeardGate2011 #
RT “@CalliaRiden: @ChadRiden your beard looks like a squirrel died on your face.” // ha! HA! Go to bed. #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2011-02-19

chad riden — Sun, 20 Feb 2011 00:59:00 +0000

I like my women the way I like my coffee: mocha & on ice with honey #
I like my women the way I like my cars: fast and stolen #
I like my women the way I like my weed: sticky & mexican #
I like my women the way I like my fridge: turned on and full of booze #
I like my women the way I like my play-dough: moist, mold-able & non-toxic #
I like my women the way I like my Internal Revenue Service: taxing my ass #
I like my women the way I like my razors: disposable #
I like my women the way I like my burgers: cheap and greasy #
KNOXVILLE 8pm tonight: The Upstairs Underground Stand-Up Comedy Show @ Preservation Pub/Market Square http://on.fb.me/eRnLQT w/ @KnoxComedy #
Callia made a video fri wondering how/why @MetroSchools could possibly be closed for bad weather: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0KpF_Fp5hVs #
Today: I pledge my love for my lovely wifera and go out of my way to make her feel special. Tomorrow: back to being emotionally unavailable. #
On my way to deliver sushi to my wife, the serpentine belt snaps. She warned me that something was wrong w/ the truck but I didn’t listen. #
I just saw a guy climb into his Thunderbird window Dukes Of Hazzard style. Nashville, sometimes you are just too adorable for words. #
Facebook’s “like” button is ok, but on old MySpace you could give one or two kudos. I miss the ability to DOUBLE-like something. #
Just farted so hard my butt hurts. Happy Valentine’s Day everybody. #
Went to (still at) Spanky’s open mic. Good to see people unwittingly paying tribute to @JesseIsTerriffic & the stupid traditions we started. #
One major difference: one last joke. We USED to do that b/c we only had a few comics & wanted to fill an hour and a half show. 3.25 hours in #
3.25 hours in and we still have 3 comics left. THEN we’ll do one last joke. To stretch it out. Even though 90% of the comics have left. #
Then we’ll award a can of Fresca (“Fresca? that’s good drinkin’!”) to a ‘winner’ like we always did, except with reverence instead of irony. #
Also missing: the certificate that proclaims the ‘winner’ to be “the biggest hack in Nashville this week.” THATs what that award means erbdy #
RT “@heatherhocomedy: oh how I miss the fresca” // no, you miss those people in that scene in those days (as do I).. but they’re all gone. #
Druncle Chad shoulda never started tweetering last night. Going to that show is like revisiting an abusive relationship with an x-girlfriend #
It was actually a fun, half-decent show (for the most part) but some time around hour 3 of open mics I start teetering on the edge of sanity #
I mentioned @JesseIsTerrific in a tweeter last night but I spelled terrific wrong because I am an idiot. #
8pm TONIGHT @ Lindsay Street Hall; 901 Lindsay St; Chattanooga, TN 37402 w/ @DougStanhope :: http://on.fb.me/hycXTl :: who has bail money? #
@DougStanhope just took the audience outside for a mid-set smoke break thanks to the wireless mic. Awesome. http://twitpic.com/40xmtv #

Another @DougStanhope shot from Chattanooga, TN tonight http://twitpic.com/40xny2 #

@NPR is here capturing @DougStanhope taking the audience out for a smoke, but @ComedyNews will post it first.. http://twitpic.com/40xpl5 #

One more @DougStanhope photo from backstage http://twitpic.com/40xsdp #

RT “@MoAlexander: @ChadRiden dude you guys played a church” // what better place to preach to the choir? #
RT @Gary__Fletcher “I’ll MC.. for FREE. And by “FREE” I mean I’ll suck your dicks. With my mouth.”// deal! @lizwearstights has to watch. in reply to Gary__Fletcher #
Gat DERN it #
RT “@Anundson: @tonyyoungblood @JesseIsTerrific I didn’t go. How was Riden?”// i was foolish for trying to follow the mattoid! #
@Gary__Fletcher did a fantastic job, Craig Smith made a special guest appearance performing with the mattoid, and Bingo was all dressed up! #
In the immortal words of Reno Collier, “I don’t FEEL GOOD.” #

Callia video: I can’t believe my school closed for snow

chad riden — Mon, 14 Feb 2011 15:15:35 +0000

Callia made a video friday wondering how/why Nashville schools could possibly be closed for bad weather even though the weather and roads are “just fine.” Is the Metro Nashville school system ‘lazy’?

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2011-02-12

chad riden — Sun, 13 Feb 2011 00:59:00 +0000

This @Starbucks keeps its honey packets behind the counter. Did someone figure out how to make meth outta honey? Put out a squeezy bear. #
RT: “@patdixon: My dick hurts this morning” // you should let it rest! It always works hard. #
I’m already finalizing my plans to completely ignore next year’s #superbowl continuing my time-honored tradition of having zero interest. #
At @ZaniesNashville tonight my 7 year old daughter Callia went up and told 3 jokes before @MariaBamfoo‘s set. I couldn’t be more proud. #
RT “@birq: @ChadRiden Did she kill?” // slayed. She’s been on more stages in more states than 99% of the local @NashvilleComedy open micers. #
@mariabamfoo is the bestest ever. Just one more show at @ZaniesNashville thurs night. Go! if you do not adore her then we can’t be friends. #
I’ve tried to post the video but it’s not working. Callia’s first joke tonight: “daddy your beard looks like a squirrel died on your face.” #
Callia telling everybody at @ZaniesNashville how fat I am. http://twitpic.com/3y7o1z #

Callia Riden, in her Taekwondo outfit, opening up for Maria Bamford at Zanies in Nashville

RT @tonyyoungblood @ChadRiden and @Odinaka rocked it at the @MariaBamfoo show at Zanies! // I would’ve paid for the privilege – SO much fun. in reply to tonyyoungblood #
MY OFFICIAL ENDORSEMENT of Dr. Joel Bamford’s revolutionary cosmetically elegant, natural alternative to soap: NO SOAP http://bit.ly/NOsoap #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2011-02-05

chad riden — Sun, 06 Feb 2011 00:59:00 +0000

When I smile people just think some creature is moving around in my beard. #
For a DJ name, I’d go with “Chad Riden” so as to avoid any confusion. Same thing if I was a wrestler or a black comedian. #
RT @wrongforum So your black comedian name wouldn’t be “Wildin’ Riden”?// Also not “Riden Dirty” “RidenHood” “Riden Along In My Automobile” in reply to wrongforum #
Wait a minute.. there’s trouble in the Middle East!? you’re shittin’ me. #
In honor of Black History Month, I just joined http://t.co/MjYniNx :: now making new friends there who are totally down with my struggle. #
RT @laptopmag “@TUAW iOS is losing to WP7 in the Mobile OS bowl..tell your readers to come vote”// we voted with our $$ in the real world. in reply to TUAW #
Whatever company sells the “giant Jesus cross on the side of the interstate” kit is making a killin’! (AND making profit off of a killing). #
In Baltimore, MD tonight & tomorrow, looking for John Waters’ mustache in the audience: http://www.sullyscomedycellar.com/ #
Signs you’re not ready to have kids: the stains on your carpet all have good stories behind them but you can’t remember any. #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2011-01-29

chad riden — Sun, 30 Jan 2011 00:59:00 +0000

When I walked in to Mexico Joe’s in Stillwater, Oklahoma, a waiter said, “AWESOME beard, bro!” Beard confidence levels are high. So is he. #
In the shower I used extra shampoo and conditioner on my beard to reward it for a job well done. #
Website idea: Facebook rip off where you connect your profile only to people you’ve had sex with. I’m unsurprised that FuckBook.com is taken #
I really want to do a themed comedy tour but “The Troubled Loners Of Comedy” has been hard to get off the ground for many reasons. #
Tonight my set will be an hour-long comedy tribute to my beard: 8:30 at the Quality Inn ballroom in Stillwater, OK :: http://on.fb.me/fZOASM #
It is both a blessing and a curse that the very stupidest people I meet are the ones who don’t understand me, hate me and are offended. #
Bring me a figgy pudding! Bring me a figgy pudding and a cup of good cheer. I won’t go until I get some, so bring some out here. #
Just once, I want to hear a President say, “the state of the Union is TERRIBLE.” #
Still trying to get to the bottom of this whole MTV “Skins” controversy. What band made that video? I don’t think I’ve ever heard that song. #
If Jay Leno is the ‘Hasty Pudding Man of Year,’ I want to award Harvard the ‘Figgy Pudding Go Fuck Yourself, He’s Terrible And So Are You.’ #
RT “@Tennessean: Parents, what are you going to do if your county closes schools?”// roll my eyes and mutter all day about candy-ass pansies #
Rebranding myself “The Golden Voiced Dipshit”- BONUS: I can ramp up my boozin’ and losin’ if that’ll make it more interesting for the press. #
RT @BillyWayneDavis: “Did baby Jesus need a diaper?” // yes, AFTER Mary coined the phrase, “holy shit!” in reply to BillyWayneDavis #
RT “@latimes: Sarah Palin harshly criticizes Obama’s #sotu // STOP TREATING THIS NONSENSE LIKE IT’S NEWS! Ignore her and she will go away. #
@marcmaron Gallagher once went into @zaniesNashville and walked thru the crowd, passing out candy from the greenroom while heckling h’liner. #
I just want to take this opportunity to tell everybody that you can suck it. #
“@lesleyrebecca:Saw you were a few blocks away. Nearly came out just to say hi.”//please do. I’m generally bored and desperate for attention #
#FF @LandonOutLoud – he’s new to twitter, but is an old friend & a veteran road comic. Ladies & gentlemen, the very funny.. Landon Lyon! #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2011-01-22

chad riden — Sun, 23 Jan 2011 00:59:00 +0000

What happened to all the jewelry commercials? Isn’t it just as romantic to buy overpriced useless shit in January? #
I’m very skilled at avoiding almost all pop music UNTIL it shows up as @AlYankovic parodies or “Kid’s Bop” cd commercials on tv #
Turkey bacon tries too hard to look like real bacon. Just be yourself, man, people will like you for being YOU. #
thank Megatheos people write tv show recaps online.. otherwise I don’t know how I could possibly find out what happened on the shows I WATCH #
reading internet recaps of hit tv shows. because I LOVE these shows.. but before I watch them I want to hear some random dude’s take on it. #
reading internet recaps of hit tv shows. because like most of America, I’d rather read than watch tv. #
totally missed the Golden Globe awards. I hope somebody will write up a recap so I know whose work I should respect & who I shouldn’t like. #
If you love reading internet recaps of hit tv shows as much as I do, you’ll love my new project: video re-enactments of internet recaps. #
reading internet recaps of tv shows I DON’T watch, so I can rest assured that I didn’t waste my time on them. #
@dominos took a REAL focus group to a REAL farm to show them the REAL tomatoes they use to make REALLY shitty pizza : http://on.fb.me/g9dJOc #
I’m doing a show in Stillwater, OK on Saturday night. It’s all just an excuse to FINALLY visit The National Wrestling Hall Of Fame @NWHOF #
@NWHOF I hope your Andre The Giant shrine doesn’t have a time limit for worshipers – I plan on being there a while. #
It’s MLK Day.. or as they call it in Arkansas, “F#ckin’ MON-DAY” [extended menacing glare] #mlkday #
Amy Sedaris Makes “Potato Ships” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NaSTopnH-Pw :: Amy on YouTube is the best thing to happen to the internet. #
TONIGHT in Oklahoma City: Thursdays Don’t Suck @ The 51st Street Speakeasy, 8:30pm :: http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=126884097376825 #
RT @JesseIsTerrific: “Had a great time with @BillyWayneDavis & @ChadRiden [TUES] night..” // I’m just now starting to recover. HEY-ZEUS in reply to JesseIsTerrific #
Just drove past the fourth 18 wheeler laying on its side that I’ve seen today. No cars wrecked at all.. Just four brilliant truckers. #
I’m enjoying a relaxing, self indulgent spa day; getting awesome new beard extensions. #
RT @funnybusiness “@comedynews @ChadRiden thanks for the post! http://ow.ly/3I2ub"; // no problem! I miss me some Asheville in reply to funnybusiness #
RT @birq “@ChadRiden What a coincidence. I’m getting my pubes frosted right this very minute.” // you’ve just gotta treat yourself sometimes in reply to birq #
Italian Jim’s “Super Pepperoni” has over 300 pepperoni slices. 300! (@ Italian Jim’s Pizzeria) [pic]: http://4sq.com/gFXRhq #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2011-01-15

chad riden — Sun, 16 Jan 2011 00:59:00 +0000

1 down, 19 to go! is everybody else who was on @SarahPalinUSA ‘s hit list taking cover and beefing up security? holy shit. #
Sarah Palin’s “Take Back The 20″ post is still on FaceBook (for now): http://on.fb.me/TakeBackThe20 #
Giving the cat a clean shave. #
any time I see a Twitter Trend I don’t understand I assume it’s sports or music or another universally loved thing I don’t give a shit about #
MySpace has a staff? #
@MetroSchools the link to see ‘snow patrol’ photos requires a login/pass, but there is no link to register for one. in reply to MetroSchools #
@MetroSchools no, “Click here for photos taken by the “snow patrol” on the morning of January 11, 2011.” goes to: http://twitpic.com/3p7gj6 in reply to MetroSchools #
Don’t ever question my authoritaww! // RT @MetroSchools @ChadRiden Oops! You are correct. Apologies for doubting you. Fixing it. And thanks. in reply to MetroSchools #
Is “Country Strong” anything like “Retard Strength”? Haven’t seen the movie. #
When I click on something that is trending, it’s always just people saying, “I CAN’T BELIEVE (whatever) IS TRENDING!? OMG.” Please die. #
@DanielTosh your Carlos Mencia impression is unparalleled. Is Carlos eligible for a future segment of ‘is he retarded?’ #
My 14-year-old dog Guido has been going up & down the stairs constantly for about 10 minutes now. Alzheimer’s? or does he see g-g-g-ghosts? #
Turns out fake comedy sports news shows are just as unbearable as the real thing. #
@SarahPalinUSA is actually the ‘real killer’ OJ Simpson has been tracking down all these years. Pass it on. #BlamePalin #
@SarahPalinUSA created AIDS when she hate-f#cked a monkey. True Story. #BlamePalin (please RT to help spread the TRUTH) #
Just announce it already, pansies. We all know you’re gonna. // @MetroSchools: there has been NO decision yet about closing schools tomorrow #
@SarahPalinUSA orchestrated 9/11. If you support her the terrorists WIN (’cause it was her). #BlamePalin please RT to help spread the TRUTH #
@SarahPalinUSA shot JFK from the grassy knoll #BlamePalin :: please RT to help spread the TRUTH #
@SarahPalinUSA came up with the idea to re-edit Star Wars so Greedo shot first #BlamePalin please RT to help spread the TRUTH #
@SarahPalinUSA has been killing all those birds with her ultra-sonic super prayers (and guns) #BlamePalin please RT to help spread the TRUTH #
Tea Partiers compln abt “made-up criticism about, for instance, the founders intruding on the Indians or having slaves” http://bit.ly/gwGgtx #
Just read that story aloud and Callia said, “WHAT? They are SOOOOO stupid.” At least Tennessee’s public education system didn’t fail HER. #
ATTENTION STUPIDS: The Zodiac has been changed! Better go read up on your new personality.. otherwise you risk thinking for yourself. #
Callia made me PROMISE to put Afrika Bambatta & Steve Miller Band mp3s on her Nintendo DSiXL. That’s MY daughter. #
I’ve been told that the changes in the Zodiac do not affect us. Thank god! Was worried that everything I knew about that gypsy grift was bs. #
RT@DalaiLama: If we have a positive mental attitude, then even when surrounded by hostility, we shall not lack inner peace// booze helps too #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2011-01-08

chad riden — Sun, 09 Jan 2011 00:59:00 +0000

Boy was I shitfaced. I hope I’m not excommunicated. #
We don’t have any black eyed peas to eat, so I’m playing “my humps” over and over on repeat. #
GNATS! “Terror has never been so annoying.” http://FunnyOrDie.com/m/528j :: just uploaded a newly found cleaner copy of this to FOD.. enjoy! #

@BanksyArt‘s “Exit Through the Gift Shop” is a fantastic documentary about underground street art, @obeygiant, & Thierry Guetta. Netflix it. #
Comedy And You: An Edu-taining Enter-cation film about stand-up comedy. Now on http://FunnyOrDie.com/m/52bd @nsup @NashvilleComedy #

Was just given a sample of apple-pie-flavored moonshine at a show. I love Nashville, Tennessee with every bit of my cold black little heart. #
On @cartoonnetwork (east) RIGHT NOW: Uncle Pecos on ‘Tom and Jerry’ singing “Crambo”: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_xGC9mNwTwQ :: YEAY! #
RIP the late, great Speedy Fast Riden: hamster, friend (2010-2011) http://on.fb.me/SpeedyVideo #
Callia just told me a fart joke I didn’t understand. Maybe it’s too nuanced? too subtle? holy crap have I lost my sense of humor? #
Somebody just yacked right in front of the bathroom door. Staffers are scrambling to not be the one to clean it up. #
Oh good, this crack head loves my coat. I had hoped for his approval. #
“@supercatmatt: @ChadRiden I bet he really likes your iphone…” // Uncle Cracky never saw it – I tweeted that while he was blowing me. #
@evanier posted The Best Photo Of Buster Keaton Or Anybody Ever Ever Ever: http://bit.ly/fE6UId also, Mark has The Bestest Twitter bg image. #
the 6 friends I have on Google Buzz are currently discussing: is it a failure? I’m starting a Google Wave about it. Please join in. #
every time I talk to my dad on the phone he is completely out of breath for some reason. #
my parents called to say they each got a colonoscopy today & “both of our assholes are clean! figure out a way to put that in your act.” thx #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2010-12-25

chad riden — Sat, 25 Dec 2010 23:59:00 +0000

Any adult who wants or expects a Christmas gift from another adult is a lunatic. #
Judd Apatow sometimes ReTweet’s haters. I will now try to trick him.
@JuddApatow is an ass-faced clown twat! Grrr! Unprovoked anger-fueled irrational Internet Jihad! #
Judd Apatow did not fall for it. DAMMIT!
Thanks to @nsup @ZaniesNashville @JesseCase @BillyWayneDavis @BradBradBrad @seanparrott and everybody who participated in @IronComic tonight. #
RT @reggiewatts: interesting article about the IRS http://bit.ly/fLKct3 // careful.. THESE people are responsible for my bankruptcy. #
I won the first Golden Fresca of the 2010 Spanky’s Awards b/c NashvilleComedyChaos didn’t show up. http://twitpic.com/3iafsv #

I get an entirely unhealthy satisfaction from arguing with completely insane people.. but boy is it fun. #
building a giant magical tree house where everybody I’ve ever met can come and be best pals together forever. hope to see you there! #
Now taking applications for new casual acquaintances. must have fragile ego, deep-seated anger issues and lots of pride. #
Browsing the Useless Shit store at the mall, buying one of each thing here for everybody I’ve ever met because that was what Jesus wanted. #
The only thing more beautiful than a tree that has been topped is an asphalt parking lot four times bigger than would ever be necessary. #
I think buying your spouse expensive jewelry for Christmas is a good way to buy their loyalty for one more year while you continue to cheat. #
I wasn’t invited to lunch tomorrow, so much as told I was going to go by the “Happy Birthday Gary” @ComedyPodcast :: http://bit.ly/fLFnjD #
RT @Anundson Listening to old episodes of mangy dog radio hour whoop dee doo // WHOOP-DEE-DOO?!? http://mangydog.comedypodcast.com/in reply to Anundson #
RT @Anundson: you are always invited yo lunch // I don’t eat! I get most of my nutrition by cannibalizing the souls of local open mic’ers. in reply to Anundson #
@JerriBlank when will the painful, oozing blisters go away? in reply to JerriBlank #
Here’s my annual Holiday Times posting of the clip of me starring as Tiny Tim in George C. Scott’s A Christmas Carol: http://bit.ly/cmr-cmas #

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Just told Callia that Baby Jesus will come down our chimney tonight and leave us eternal gifts of guilt and depression. #ruiningchristmas #
Callia woke us up at 4:50 am. Coffee and fireplace are fired up and presents are being ripped open. My vote that we sleep in late? Ignored. #
..and Christmas is over. Thanks for sticking by as I painstakingly live tweetered every detail instead of being present in the moment. #

Keep the MAS in Crimmas!

chad riden — Thu, 23 Dec 2010 23:15:49 +0000

Here’s my annual Holiday Times posting of the clip of me starring as Tiny Tim in George C. Scott’s “A Christmas Carol.” Enjoy:

Have a Merry Christmas, Happy Jew-time, Kooky Kwanza, Funky Festivus, or whatever the hell it is you celebrate.

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2010-12-18

chad riden — Sat, 18 Dec 2010 23:59:00 +0000

RT @moshekasher: "Hey gay people living in the deep south, move." // your region-based prejudice is just as ignorant and closed minded. #
@moshekasher an hour outside of any major city- North-South-E or W -you'll find small towns and small minded people. Stupid is Everywhere. #
@moshekasher @NashvilleComedy is a bot that just RT's Nashville comics in reply to moshekasher #
@moshekasher I'm watching "Small Town.." now. While I'm doing that, YOU listen to @ToddBarry – From Heaven – track 4 (from 1:25 – 2:38) in reply to moshekasher #
this movie is really not about the South so much as it is a small town. This could not have been filmed in Atlanta (gayest city in the US). #
@moshekasher Blaming an entire region for the actions of a few tragically stupid people is regional hatred. Don't spread hate. #
RT @moshekasher: "sorry but its a hateful region." // how often have you been in the south? @margaretcho likes it and does really well here. in reply to moshekasher #
@moshekasher you paint yourself as a forward thinking progressive yet cite the civil war as your example of hate in the south. update. #
@moshekasher you haven't spent much time in the south, but you think you know what you're talking about. that's ignorance and prejudice. #
@moshekasher in the words of @ToddBarry, you're a "narrow minded fake liberal.." #
@LaurenChavarria I'm not offended by his comedy.. I'm amused by his prejudice, ignorance and hatred disguised by pious self-righteousness. #
nevermind me, errbody, I'm just over here making new pals on the internet. #
go read the @shanagallery interview on Red Line Gallery blog: http://fb.me/vw6e6Tla – I've stolen a few of her paintings and I'm not sorry. in reply to shanagallery #
@moshekasher "Tell me how many pro gay rights congressmen does the south currently have?" // TN, GA & VA: http://bit.ly/gXduAn in reply to moshekasher #
RT @moshekasher "Thats town sized based prejudice." // my point was: the movie was called "Small Town Gay Bar" not "Gay Bar In The South." in reply to moshekasher #
@moshekasher that same film could have been shot in a small town in IN, ND, OH, OK.. but NOT in Nashville, Atlanta, Memphis.. #
@shanagallery I know you've hidden them in the bathroom // no no no. bathroom, bedroom, guest room and the living room. we've spread em out. in reply to shanagallery #
A Loyded Christmas = easily my favorite Xmas card so far http://twitpic.com/3fxjqk #
1/2 day for @MetroSchools wed. The best way to ensure their safety? Turn kids loose in the streets to fend for themselves in an ice storm. in reply to MetroSchools #
Just found out I'm not the shittiest financial planner among my peers. Nobody is more shocked than I am. #
Friday night, you're all invited to the 3rd random Thanksgiving 2: Electric Boogaloo at Chad Riden's Address :: http://on.fb.me/f8k3X8 #
please join me and 200 of my closest friends friday for Thanksgiving 2: Electric Boogaloo 3: Revenge of the Boogaloo http://on.fb.me/f8k3X8 #
Heading out to the store.. let me know if you need anything. #
less than 34 hours until "Thanksgiving 2: Electric Boogaloo 3: Revenge of the Boogaloo" changes the world forever http://on.fb.me/f8k3X8 #
stay tuned for my list of The Top 10 'Year End Top 10 Lists' Of 2010. #
just made chicken soup – not "for the soul" so much as "fo dat azz" #
making @MarcMaron's Apricot-Walnut Stuffing for tonights Thanksgiving 2: Electric Boogaloo 3: Revenge Of The Boogaloo http://on.fb.me/f8k3X8 #

Thanksgiving 2: Electric Boogaloo 3: Revenge Of The Boogaloo

chad riden — Wed, 15 Dec 2010 05:47:50 +0000

Turkeys are cheap if you buy em after Thanksgiving. Come on out to Chad Riden’s Address and join us for Thanksgiving 2: Electric Boogaloo 3 – thanksgiving dinner followed by break dancing cinematic classics Breakin�, Breakin� 2 & Krush Groove. (I hate sports, so this is what we do instead of watching football or whatever it is people do.)

We�re calling it �Thanksgiving 2: Electric Boogaloo 3: Revenge Of The Boogaloo.� I KNOW we did the exact same thing on… February 25, 2009 and on December 1, 2009 but �Electric Boogaloo� is too fun to say and �Thanksgiving 4: The Quest For Peace� sounds stupid and this is a very NOT stupid, high society event for classy, awesome, smart people.

If you know where we live, you�re invited to stop in and eat and drink and whatnots. If you don�t know where we live, just put �chad riden�s address� into your GPS thing and you�ll find it.

Here�s the Facebook event page for Thanksgiving 2: Electric Boogaloo 3: Revenge Of The Boogaloo.. I�ve invited 200+ people over for dinner. I hope nobody lets me down. I know it�s late notice, but �planning� is for ass-hats. If you can�t make it for any reason, we�ll take that to mean you don�t love us.

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2010-12-11

chad riden — Sat, 11 Dec 2010 23:59:00 +0000

Something is technically wrong. Thanks for noticing [NO, thank YOU!] we're going to fix it up and have things back to normal soon. [LIARS!] #
RT @JesseIsTerrific: Just ate at @pepperfirenash with @ChadRiden … My new fav hot chicken place. // yes, highly recommended goodness. #
Hey person doing something I think is stupid, why don't you just blah blah blah blah? #imsmart #suckitotherpeople #scoot #doot #doodle #
I had a productive day organizing the content for http://StupidCunt.info/ :: coming soon! #
oh is it New Years Eve already? Cause I'm pretty sure I see a ball being dropped. #
@Tennessean just because Nashville cops are violent dicks doesn't mean they shouldn't be in charge of keeping the peace! http://tnne.ws/36E #
Miami Sound Machine was right – you may have tragically underestimated THE RHYTHM's devastating long-term effects on your internal organs. #
i've been up the last two nights – my dog Guido is sick and can't stop dry-heaving. i told him to 'sack up' but then i realized he's spayed. #
TONIGHT's @nsup Showcase @ZaniesNashville: just $5 for more comedy packed into 1 1/2 hours than you'll find anywhere within a day's drive. #
@nicoledz http://twitpic.com/3d9o1a – Good times in reply to nicoledz #
Big thanks to everyone who participated in tonights @nsup Showcase (plus @IronComic) at @ZaniesNashville – fun show. Next one: 12/20/2010 #
just read this.. RT @sarajaneky it would be delightful to discover that he shaves his balls. // probably more disappointing than delightful in reply to sarajaneky #
@nicoledz 10 years total of completely half-assing it, 5 years now doing comedy full time (despite said half-assery). See @nsup for mic info in reply to nicoledz #
My lovely wifera says she likes me to "look scruffy, not Taliban-y and homeless," so I guess it's time to trim it. http://twitpic.com/3e51c1 #
The beard gets sheared today. For the next few weeks, instead of t-shirts I'll be selling baggies of beard trimmings after shows. #GetInLine #
RT @JesseIsTerrific Surprised that @ChadRiden didn't post his "Imagine" parody today. // here you go: http://tinyurl.com/cmr-imagine in reply to JesseIsTerrific #
my beard has been trimmed to a socially acceptable length / finally found where Callia's hamster was hiding #OurNationalNightmareIsOver #
Grand Opening Preview night – this place is incredible. Come check it out fri & sat for the Grand Opening shows. Awesomeness. #
Oops, previous gushing was about the all new @jazzandjokes 174 3rd Ave N, Nashville, TN 37201 http://jazzandjokes.com/ :: awesome venue! #
Watching @MontyMitchell doing the jokes half of @jazzandjokes http://twitpic.com/3e7w2s #
@nsup favorite @RenardComedy is up at @jazzandjokes http://twitpic.com/3e7xpi #
is the Copyright symbol copyrighted? it should sue. RT @ComedyNews: @ComedyCentral unveils new logo, new video http://tinyurl.com/2as6rgz #
I'm hiding under one of the seats in @oprah's studio.. waiting for her to announce me as one of her favorite things. I may be here a while. #
My lovely wifera and I have an @Oprah compromise: I'll sit and watch the show with her as long as I can constantly demean her gender. #
RT @beersnobrob: @ChadRiden wishes he could do MAGIC // I *used* to do Magic, but not since he got the AIDS y'all. Amirightpeples? The AIDS? #
Performed tonight dressed as if 1994 chewed me up and shit me out.. As confirmed by the laugh when I said that. http://twitpic.com/3ejq8e #
RT & #FF �@SarahThyre: A retweet hardens my nipples and a #FF makes me blow my load.� // YOU'RE WELCOME #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2010-12-04

chad riden — Sat, 04 Dec 2010 23:59:00 +0000

Whatever, Universe. http://twitpic.com/3b4kku #
For Black Friday and Cyber Monday I saved a TON of money by not buying a gat dern thing. #
I'm absolutely amazed by how many kids have no idea what a push-up is. Most just bob their heads without bending their arms at all. #
Just caught my beard in my coat's zipper. Ouch and/or Dammit! #
RT @Tennessean Billboards claim Jesus returning May 21: http://tnne.ws/34N // AND on May 22, Family Radio's Harold Camping will off himself in reply to Tennessean #
hey @TheDailyShow go ahead and plan a visit to Oakland, CA :: RT: @Tennessean Billboards claim Jesus returning May 21: http://tnne.ws/34N in reply to Tennessean #
it was my new years resolution to "look more grizzled" but I'm just now getting around to it. #
Nerd Boner: Building a GameBoy Emulator in HTML5 and JavaScript | Webmonkey | Wired.com http://bit.ly/envHuO #
I think @MrChuckD said it best: "Who gives a fuck about a god damn Grammy?" #
Get your presale @ReggieWatts tickets before 4pm at @thirdmanrecords – otherwise doors open at 8. Cya there. http://twitpic.com/3ca01u #
RT @louisck: I cannot find a picture of Sarah Palin with a black person. Can anyone find one? // here you go! http://twitpic.com/3cazdi #
Reggie Watts (@ Third Man Records w/ 2 others) http://4sq.com/cleTqj #
Awesome show from @ReggieWatts w/ surprise guests @timheidecker and @NeilHamburger – thanks to @ThirdManRecords @Nsup @axe & Yogi Bear fans #
Tim & Eric awesome tour (@ The Cannery Ballroom w/ 5 others) http://4sq.com/81SNuQ #
Tim & Eric awesome tour Chrimbus bus http://twitpic.com/3cnq35 #
Jesus first miracle was turning water into wine. I tried turning water to wine and it worked! it took 3 months in a fermenter but I did it. #
I saw a Hitler documentary that said he was gay. Turns out he wasn't conquering the world, he was just trying to give Europe a gay makeover. #
As a kid the Miami Sound Machine used to taunt me with threats that "the rhythm is gonna GET YOU" -ever since I've been too scared to dance. #
$250 million creationism theme park to open in 2014 in KY http://tinyurl.com/2ajrrwu // Thank Megatheos it's not going to be in TN.. #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2010-11-27

chad riden — Sat, 27 Nov 2010 23:59:00 +0000

Suck it, Vandy! #
This diet has become more of a wacky digestive system experiment than anything else. For fun, spend a day eating just bananas & skim milk. #
Me an my dawgs representin’ up in the 615, bitches! http://twitpic.com/38z7sm #
..and with that fried chicken, my diet ends. Weighing in at 223.5 lbs, I lost 7.5 lbs in 7 days. I won’t feel bad eating anything this week. #
This guy just did a shitty AND unfunny Reagan impression and is now in his racist Asian stereotype loony toon character juggling bit. WTF? #
RT @JesseIsTerrific: You’re not at Zanies are you? // yes. Some guest set from the only comic I don’t know in the lineup. #
One of these things is not like the other.. One of these things is not the same.. http://tinyurl.com/2fmusld #
Im thankful for thankfulness. Thanks, Thanky thank thankadoodle thank thank. #
I hate music. It’s everywhere, and it’s terrible. Alls I wants is a little peace and quiet in this loud, stupid world. #
I know that’s not a popular thing to say..and I know I won’t make any friends saying it but let’s all just turn it off and enjoy the silence #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2010-11-20

chad riden — Sat, 20 Nov 2010 23:59:00 +0000

My bathroom at the Lafayette Hotel in Marietta, Oh is the smallest one I've ever tried to squeeze into. http://twitpic.com/36lo9c #
A guy in the parking lot repeatedly threatened to punch me in the face. he was mad about "one of them baby jokes." he was hilarious. #
Just entered Kentucky on I-64w. in the median there was a port-a-potty and a trash dumpster side-by-side. Awesomest welcome center, ever. #
mon: box of chocolates @ Spanky's Nashville; tues: @LaughingSkull fest @Stardome; then at @ZaniesNashville wed-sun w/ Jon LaJoie & others #
follow not the heretic @riley_fox -The Chadyterian Church is the way & the light. LOW, Riley is not even ordained! http://twitpic.com/2zt1ym #
Just told the dr's office receptionist about the genetically engineered monkey army in the tunnels under @vanderbilt's Peabody campus. #
When I walked into sam's sushi he immediately called me out for gaining weight. I love him for his honesty but damnit damnit damnit. #
Actually his exact words were, "are you trying to become a WWE wrestler?" hilarious, my friend. Very, very funny. #
I told Sam I plan on running an hour a day. he suggested I be less ambitious and plan to walk 10 minutes a day. He's probably right. #fatty #
RT @JesseIsTerrific: If you decide to run for an hour straight, can I film it?// I *decided* to start running a month ago. Has not happened. #
so Mark Zuckerberg announced that Facebook invented Google Wave? #
RT @Causley82: Just ordered tickets for Saturday nights show for @jonlajoiecomedy from @theleaguefx at @zaniesnashville // see you there #
Tired of my fat gut, I'm starting the 7-day cabbage soup diet: http://cabbage-soup-diet.com/ currently 231 lbs.- I'm already losing my mind. #
RT @Tennessean Oops. Technician accidentally wipes out info on 580 Metro computers. http://tnne.ws/2ZW // dipshits. in reply to Tennessean #
RT @NikkiCatania If you're really thinking about losing weight, I'm a fan of boxing // I'm a fan of Punch Out! on the Wii.. but NOT activity #
RT @lizwearstights: This diet should go swimmingly.// I appreciate your positive attitude but I'm already teetering on the edge of insanity. #
RT @nashvillest: the new Panda Express at 100 Oaks is serving free meals until 8! Line up at your own risk. // GAT DAMN IT #
This is a photo of me peeking over my fat gut at you. Enjoy. http://twitpic.com/37py1y #
After the show tonight a guy said he follows me on MySpace. Are you sure? the only time I update MySpace is to say I'm no longer on MySpace #
Nothing says 'comedy' like supermodels taking a shit. Plus a Lindsay Lohan cameo? what could be more 'underground' than that? #
I'm hallucinating about stout beers & hot fried chicken. This has nothing to do with my diet.. I think about beer & chicken 98% of the time. #
Fatty just weighed in at 227-ish, so I've lost about 3.8 lbs so far. Damnit I want to eat a side of beef or three. http://twitpic.com/3880am #
I just want to remind everyone that Jay Leno is the cicada of terrible, unfunny, tragically stupid late night tv: http://twitpic.com/yre75 #
@ZaniesNashville, getting ready for another night w/ @jonlajoiecomedy – the 1st show has a secret celebrity guest set I'm very excited about #
Hey @CraigyFerg – funny set at @ZaniesNashville – Thanks for dropping in. Maybe someday I'll stop by to do a spot on your show. #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2010-11-13

chad riden — Sat, 13 Nov 2010 23:59:00 +0000

my stupid cd was downloaded over 168,655 times. I'd like to apologize to each and every one of those people. I WON'T.. but I'd like to. #
Callia: "Reading is fun because it's like a cartoon in your head." #
�@Gary__Fletcher: @ChadRiden I was one of those downloaders.� // that's an admission of guilt! the RIAA will be in touch shortly. #
�@marymackcomedy: Oh Man! Guess who starts jazzercise this week?!� // not me, lady! That one time was plenty. Careful-it's a slippery slope #
�@sleepydad: No coffee filters. Ugh.� // the humble paper towel will work like a champ in an emergency situation like that. #
My "STARmeter" on IMDB is "Down 26% in popularity this week." Should I have a drug-fueled sex scandal? http://www.imdb.com/name/nm4097092/ #
more ego surfing: the Sumter, SC Opera House name drops me on their official history page http://www.sumtersc.gov/visitingus/operahouse.aspx #
note: I am NOT The U.S. Air Force Space Command's Weapons and Tactics branch chief Lieutenant Colonel Chad Riden. I'm the one w/ dick jokes. #
Katharine Hansen, Ph.D., creative director and associate publisher of Quintessential Careers says I have a "well-branded digital presence." #
..btw, the number of comedy bookers who give a shit about a "well-branded digital presence"? approximately zero. http://tinyurl.com/38o37qe #
for the last week or so I have not been able to stop doing the "mega-mega-megamind" line from this spot: http://tinyurl.com/2fllzzm #
"hey everybody I'm Jay Leno, does anyone remember when I used to be funny?" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cfkvpcjNk7c #
working hard, writing a lot of new material-OH WHO AM I KIDDING? I'm watching MacGruber again and I'm NOT ashamed. "Ahh penis jokes." #
To everybody who follows me like Phish: this week I'll be doing two shows in Nashville & one each in Morgantown, WV and Marietta, OH #AFCOAT #
fantastic. #conanreturns #
RT @TeamCoco What do you guys think of the beard?! Are we liking it? #conanreturns // RELAX! We love everything, just glad to have you back. in reply to TeamCoco #
so @MSNBC "suspended" @KeithOlbermann for TWO WHOLE DAYS? Lamest publicity stunt ever. Totally should have milked it, boys. #
Nashville shout out on Conan's first show. Can YOUR town claim the same thing? @nsup @NashvilleComedy #conanreturns @TeamCoco #
WEeeeelllll obviously it's time to change the channel. #conanreturns #teamcoco #WhoGivesAShitAboutGeorgeLopez #
"@TeamCoco What did everyone think?!" // cold open = gold.. handled NBC with FUNNY, class.. the moon is neat, but why? bet you never use it. in reply to TeamCoco #
now watching TiVo-delayed @Late_Show – will probably watch @TeamCoco live, then go to @TiVo for Dave, then @jimmyfallon and/or @TheDailyShow #
thanks to @ZaniesNashville and everybody who came out to the @Nsup showcase and/or participated in @IronComic in person or online. I had fun #
I wish I knew how to comment spam my own blog. I'd like to find all the comment-less entries (most of em) and post, "FIRST, BITCHES!!" #
I'm doing the @LaughingSkull festival show @stardome 11/16. tickets are just $1 IF you use promocode RidenVIP http://tinyurl.com/cmr-skull #
@TheKennyRogers thanks for coming out to the show last night. the audience *gasped* when I mentioned you – so excited to see you there. #
Hemp drink? How'm I supposed to smoke a liquid? http://twitpic.com/35pe8j #
The CMA Awards are going on in Nashville, which is why I am far away hidden in the hills of Hermitage. Suck it, music! #ChadRidensAddress #
internet just told me that it's Veteran's Day? I'd totally forgotten. Sorry, troops.. I have failed you. (So THAT's why there was no mail..) #
people in Nashville who are upset/surprised to hear Davis-Kidd books is closing: print is dead. Did you miss the release of the Apple iPad? #
RT @DalaiLama I believe that whether a person follows any religion or not is unimportant, he or she must have a good heart and a sweet ride. in reply to DalaiLama #
The people surprised by Davis-Kidd books closing are the same who were shocked about Hollywood video, Tower & Bockbuster. It's 2010. Evolve. #
it's so good to see fresh clips of George W. Bush speaking on @TheDailyShow ..now that he's not in charge of anything. http://bit.ly/9UqrZa in reply to TheDailyShow #
�@tomgreenlive: Any web genius people out there? I want to meet one. Surprise me.� // i dunno about genius. is a web jackass close enough? #
I think this hotel breakfast buffet is playing the closing theme to the Incredible Hulk tv show. Sorry I ate all the bacon, Dr. Banner. #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2010-11-06

chad riden — Sat, 06 Nov 2010 22:59:00 +0000

I'd like the myth busters guys to explain to me the science behind why they wasted so much time at the otherwise awesome #rallyforsanity #
hey errbody, call TN State Rep candidate @JimGotto at 615-883-3087 and ask him to stop robo-calling @ChadRiden's house. Thanks. #
voted for Alfred E. Neuman across the board.. because MAD Magazine told me to in 1984, and I do as I'm told. #
Just got to parent-teacher conference day at Callia's school. I've seen several parents walking out looking down, shaking heads, muttering. #
While some states voted on legalizing marijuana, Tennessee voted on legalizing hunting and fishing? Maybe I'm just high, but I'm confused. #
�@tomgreenlive: The massive influx of new media … rudderless ship. Where is Johnny Carson when you need him?� // at JohnnyCarson.com ! #
I'm not sure what kind of store Ross thinks it is, but it looks like a garage sale in there. They do NOT have cowboy hats for little girls. #
There's nothing gayer than getting upset when somebody jokingly calls something gay. http://tinyurl.com/2aorv34 #
Ross has remote control cars, clothes, picture frames, shopping carts w stripper poles attached to them & other crap you'd find at Goodwill. #
We looked at WalMart, Ross, Target, then FINALLY found a cowboy hat at Party City. You'd think one would be easier to find in Nashville. #
I wish I could just make a damn sex tape and get a show on E! or Bravo. This "do it the hard way" shit is taking way too long. #
Tues night! 12 top notch comics, 1 mediocre one and one helluva heavy metal parody band all in ONE show for $5: http://tinyurl.com/nsup11-9 #
having a chipotle-flavored coffee with my chipotle-flavored cereal. Later I'll have chipotle flavored chipotle covered in chipotle sauce. #
McRib "fans": STFU. I used to be 8 years old, too. Don't buy food – no, don't buy ANYTHING from a GD clown: http://www.foodfacts.info/mcrib/ #
I eat Publix' NuttyNuggets NOT b/c it is cheaper, but b/c it is way funnier than the already hilarious Grape Nuts. http://twitpic.com/344793 #
#mcrib is rat meat molded into the shape of a heart-ravaging abomination of a sandwich. Do you have real BBQ in your town? of course you do. #
If hating WackArnold's is wrong, I don't wanna be right. #mcrib is made from USDA certified donkey parts, roadkill opossum & yard trimmings. #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2010-10-30

chad riden — Sat, 30 Oct 2010 22:59:00 +0000

" 'dude you're funny as shit.' – @chadriden to me just now. He barely sounded surprised!" // I HATE improv, but AM a fan of @andyandyfleming in reply to andyandyfleming #
The steps on the stairs up to this bar are 4-5 different sizes. Is that legal? I stumbled and I'm not even drunk. http://twitpic.com/30bmp2 #
Finally home. 3 girls in my house. Nobody is awake. Just turned off 14 (14!) lights that were on for no reason. Perma-cranky mode initiated. #
Callia: "snuggies are so last year. And they're not a good idea." now changing out of my snuggie/crocs combo into something way tackier. #
It just isn't Halloween time until Jimmy Kelly's attire starts seeming normal again. http://twitpic.com/30w9yh #
Slurping dirty gin martinis. Yup, it's THAT good of a show. Taco truck, I'm on my way. #
iPhone Map app, when I search "taco" and Nolensville Pike in Nashville has NO hits I KNOW you're full of shit. Get it together asap. #
@thecomicscomic they have great BBQ joints in NYC, WTF are you doing?! #McRibIsAnAbomination in reply to thecomicscomic #
Is it just another wacky weatherman joke that The National Weather Service Emergency Alert System audio is always completely unintelligible? #
(random joke about Charlie Sheen being hilariously on the brink of self-destruction at all times, which I will regret / delete when he dies) #
I'd love to shit all over Charlie Sheen, but last time I was in NYC I had my own drunken rampage thru The Plaza, so I can't throw stones. #
Well @Oprah, I think we NEED a tv channel where *everybody* gets called a bitch ("Youze A Bitch!" channel?) http://tinyurl.com/oprah-bitches #
Big headache. Was it the free beer last night? or the complete lack of free beer this morning? Another mystery of the universe! #
Trying to explain to my 7 year old the cultural significance of #rallyforsanity is like trying to explain evolution to a Tea Party'er. #
Father Guido Sarducci is my best friend / dog Guido DeVille's namesake. #rally4sanity #donnovello #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2010-10-23

chad riden — Sat, 23 Oct 2010 22:59:00 +0000

The cops are here! Callia and i are flushing everything we can but the toilets are now stopped up and overflowing. #BCN10 #
It is better to stay silent and be thought a fool, than to open one�s mouth and have all the chess pieces fall out. #BCN10 #
@TheKennyRogers just walked up to me, grabbed my balls and said "you got to know when to hold 'em." and then walked away. #BCN10 in reply to TheKennyRogers #
@KeithAlberstadt say it with me: "suck it, Vandy!" in reply to KeithAlberstadt #
Tonight, 8pm show at Rulli's – 851 US 20 / Suite 2#, Middlebury, IN 46540 – if I don't check in by midnight, send help and/or hookers. #
RT @TheKennyRogers: @ChadRiden I can't tell if this is taco meat or rabbit droppings? #bcn10 // it's freshly ground hipster meat in reply to TheKennyRogers #
"point of interest"? I'll just take your word for it, Indiana. http://twitpic.com/2y89df #
The door key is an actual key. Amish country, errbody. Horse and buggies all up in dis bitch. (@ Der Ruhe Blatz Motel) http://4sq.com/b0De27 #
A state trooper pulled Brian Bates over the other day. Being a man who respects the law, Bates let him off with a warning. #brianbatesfacts #
Composing an angry and lengthy essay about my hatred for the Times New Roman font and everybody who has ever used it. #
RT @AndySandford: at tonight's Beards show: you will see the greatest grand finale of all time // you're going to shave each others' backs? in reply to AndySandford #
RT @AndySandford: at tonight's Beards show: you will see the greatest grand finale of all time // bearded human centipede? #
RT @AndySandford: at tonight's Beards show: you will see the greatest grand finale of all time // Bob Newhart dreamed the whole thing? #
TONIGHT! The @nsup Showcase at @ZaniesNashville! 7:30 showtime! excitement! hilarity! funny people! call 615-269-0221 for $5 tickets! #
Disillusioned with being disillusioned. Looking into discount re-illusion options that don't require travel, emotional investment or effort. #
Dancing Taco Time is the shit. DO the worm or the running man! or better, the Flava Flav dance! #LiveCocoCam #
dammit. the mormans came to the door and I missed the last 10 minutes of the #LiveCocoCam – did the dancing taco do the Flavor Flav? #
Cottage cheese! #LiveCocoCam http://www.teamcoco.com/live #
@TeamCoco Donuts! #LiveCocoCam #
@TeamCoco refried beans! #LiveCocoCam #
@TeamCoco hot wings! #LiveCocoCam #
@blissgreenpants joined twitter 10 minutes ago, showed the address on #LiveCocoCam and has 100's of followers. Blow up my twitter, Bliss! #
Callia and I spent all day yesterday on a sheep farm filming a video for a @LahnaTurner song. I've never laughed harder in my life. #
Here you see Reverend Riden holding The Good Book on a sheep farm. What more do you need to know? http://twitpic.com/2zsr7x #
An angry mob including Dan Whitehurst as a cop, me as a priest and Callia as a very angry Callia: http://twitpic.com/2zsrtc #
BTW, I *am* an ordained minister. @BillyWayneDavis asked me to get ordained a few years ago and I DO AS I'M TOLD. http://twitpic.com/2zt1ym #
Unlike those who have "Beware of Dog" signs in their yards, Brian Bates' dog has a "Beware of Brian Bates" sign in front of his dog house. #
Still just in my Winnie The Pooh boxers. Callia thinks I should get dressed, but *I* think she should be happy her daddy is so damn handsome #
#FF @ComedyNews @nsup @ComedyPodcast @IronComic @DruncleSam
@ScreechSucks @CORNspiracy @NashvilleComedy @riden_family @i_idiots @ChadRiden #
For those of you still on the fence about joining the Chadyterian Church: we offer free tax shelters AND *every* day is a religious holiday. #
@JimGotto, if you don't stop robo-calling my house immediately, I will begin robo-calling your house. Are you still at 615-883-3087? #
@JesseIsTerrific Jessodists are an abomination in god's eyes! all four of them (he has glasses.. near-sighted). #
please do me a favor and call TN State Rep candidate @JimGotto at 615-883-3087 and ask him to stop robo-calling @ChadRiden's house. Thanks. #
RT @scotnery: "My mom was the last to serve me breakfast in bed� // will someone in la please start pity f#cking scot on a regular basis? #
RT @NikkiCatania Add in boxed wine and donut holes during services and I'm in. // you're in! Make sure I have all your current banking info. in reply to NikkiCatania #
@JesseIsTerrific 1st Chadylonians 3:16 says, "The blood of the unrighteous will flow thru the streets like the urine of the homeless." in reply to JesseIsTerrific #
I just got my Eventful "Chad Riden demand" update and it turns out nobody gives a crap. Please join the cult: http://eventful.com/chadriden #
please take one minute to call TN State Rep candidate @JimGotto at 615-883-3087 and ask him to stop robo-calling @ChadRiden's house. Thanks. #
Brian Bates grew a beard at the age of eighteen. Seconds. #
I'll be being funny in Memphis tonight – what else is there to do? Get shot? This'll be way better than that: http://tinyurl.com/cmr-memphis #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2010-10-16

chad riden — Sat, 16 Oct 2010 22:59:00 +0000

Answering the phone, telling creditors that Chad Riden died in a fire this weekend. It's tragic! Thanks for understanding, CitiBank. Twats. #
all vehicles should be equipped like bumper-cars to make the morning drive more interesting. #
MacGyver can build a bomb out of paper clips, rubber bands, and soda cans. Brian Bates can build a bomb out of MacGyver. #
new sketch video up on @funnyordie – "Get On Google Wave!" http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/4fcbc58d5e/ultimate-comedy-get-on-google-wave #
Brian Bates can kill two birds with one Chuck Norris. #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2010-10-09

chad riden — Sat, 09 Oct 2010 22:59:00 +0000

When you're the only person at a rest stop in rural Ohio the already creepy vibe is amplified by the isolation. #
I wish somebody would post *something* about football. Just bc i dont watch it or give a shit doesnt mean I don't want to hear YOUR opinion. #
Someday the mountain might get me, but the law never will. #
Was accused of using the word "retard" in a show benefiting special ed peoples. I DID NOT say that word during the show. AFTER the show, yes #
RT @Anundson: @nsup you're not coming to this are you // ha! very perceptive #
The traditional gift for your 8th wedding anniversary is brass. Today, Laura finally got those brass knuckles she's always wanted. #
I don't HATE Jay Leno.. I just think his show is the worst thing on tv and the fact that it is ON tv and successful means we're all doomed. #

Ultimate Comedy: Get On Google Wave!

chad riden — Fri, 08 Oct 2010 23:40:26 +0000

Chad Riden, Brad Edwards and Sean Parrott attempt to collaborate on the next ULTIMATE COMEDY show using Google Wave. NOBODY likes Google Wave but me. Same could probably be said for this video.

Ultimate Comedy: Get On Google Wave! – watch more funny videos

Written by Brad Edwards and Chad Riden. Produced by international idiots, inc. Originally was a part of a live ULTIMATE COMEDY show in Nashville sometime in October 2010.

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2010-10-02

chad riden — Sat, 02 Oct 2010 22:59:00 +0000

This guy keeps talking about how I look like @thebrianposehn – I need to either shave my beard or lose the glasses or get away from this guy #
"I'm the only one who loves you, baby. I'm the only one who understands" #AbusiveRelationshipWithGoogleWave #
Chuck Norris once kicked Brian Bates' ass. He was then awakened from his dream by a roundhouse kick to the face. #
RIP Greg Giraldo. Thanks for laughing at my stupid jokes & for telling me not to kill myself. You made my LCS audition actually fun. #
Athens, Ohio! 9p Sat: Abrio's; 859 E. State St; 45701 -if you're within 7 states and you don't start driving right now you're gonna miss it. #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2010-09-25

chad riden — Sat, 25 Sep 2010 22:59:00 +0000

does anybody have about $200,000 I could borrow? I'm good for it, I PROMISE.. and you have my word that I won't spend it on Lottery tickets. #
Life is ok. I've destroyed a few cars recently, but what I've lost in brain cells and money I've gained in jail time and stories. #
My first 5 followers were @seanparrott, @Anundson, @northrup, @Chadillac73 and @DrFunkhole. #first5 http://bit.ly/first5 #
Brian Bates was bitten by a rabid Chuck Norris. Three days later, after tons of excruciating pain� Chuck Norris died. #
His name used to be Chuck Norris, but people started calling him Brian Bates because it sounded tougher. #
RT @andyandyfleming Does anyone know of a company that will make mass custom greeting cards? // ask @angelbomb – his work is awesome #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2010-09-18

chad riden — Sat, 18 Sep 2010 22:59:00 +0000

At the big book burning today, I tossed in Judy Carter's "Comedy Bible." #
@JessicaRMurray Microsoft Office is for chumps. Go get http://www.OpenOffice.org for free & you'll never look back. in reply to JessicaRMurray #
Ultimate Comedy at 8pm (@ Billups Art) http://4sq.com/beFy2T #
How will FOX News twist Obama's childrens book into a story about him being a socialist muslim antichrist litter-bug? http://adjix.com/9s3j #
More than anything else, I really wish I could find marketing tips online. There has to be SOMEBODY out there doing that, right? #
just picked up shows at the last minute – @ZaniesNashville tonight and tomorrow w/ Shane "want to date an inmate?" Mauss @shanecomedy #

Ultimate Comedy: Searching for Scott?

chad riden — Tue, 14 Sep 2010 02:54:35 +0000

Brad Edwards and Chad Riden need Scott Field to help them put on the greatest comedy show ever / save their souls (and grandma’s farm) / whatever. Featuring Sean Parrott, Callia Riden, Hannah Prendergast and various other East Nashvillians:

If you prefer, ULTIMATE COMEDY: Scott? is also on the YouTubes.

Produced by international idiots, inc. on September 11, 2010 as the intro video for the September 12th ULTIMATE COMEDY live show at Billups Art / The Building in East Nashville.