Consumas Greetings!

It’s the moosssst nauseating tiiiime of the year. Well, almost.. Valentines Day is hard to beat. The December Holidays are second in the race for most depressing season only because there isn’t heart-shaped crap in your face everywhere you go. Instead, it’s the cliched Christmas garbage that has been crammed down our throats so many times that we’re fooled into thinking it’s tradition.

This continued complete bastardization of the true meaning of the season has permeated every aspect of our daily lives. Everywhere you go.. what do you see? It’s out there in the malls.. it’s all over radio, television and the internet. It’s even inked all over that pathetic, old-world, dead medium, print.

Will we ever be able to escape from it all and get back to the basics? Or have they permanently altered our concept of what the meaning of this season is? What values and customs will our children pass on to theirs? I wonder if the old ways I know and love will be forgotten. Will the ways of my ancestors eventually wither and die from lack of interest like the wonderful Police Academy franchise? I’d like to bring Christmas back to what I refer to as the “Police Academy 1 – 4” era.. the glory years.. the way it should be. As it stands, our holidays are stuck somewhere in the “Police Academy television series” era.. a total disgrace.

More than anything else, the one thing that really burns me is the way the religious zealots keep trying to sneak God, Jesus and The Bible into this once-sacred celebration. Always pushing their wacky ideas on everybody.. trying to make religion the focus instead of the one thing that we hold near and dear as holy: commercialism.

It just makes me sick to think that consumer spending is down so low this quarter. How can you call yourself an American if you’re not out there buying big ticket items like the Nintendo Wii? Don’t you care about the economy? Don’t you care about your kids? The only way to let your friends and family know that you love them is to buy them something impersonal and expensive. Roses and X-Boxes are good, but diamonds and SUV’s are better.

When will we all wake up and realize that self-reflection, worship and spending time with loved ones wastes precious time when we could be watching Coca-Cola polar bear commercials? While Satans little helper, Martha Stewart, pushes her wreaths and wassail, true traditionalists like myself know that nothing says “peace on earth” quite like over-extending your credit to buy the latest disposable-fad products at your local Wal-Mart.

Maybe I’m being too critical. It’s just that when I hear all this junk about the so-called “true meaning of the season” it really burns my brownies. I’m just thankful that when I get depressed about the way the world is heading, I can go into any Quickie-Stop-N-Shop and see Santa endorsing cartons of Lucky Strikes. That always cheers me up.

Have a Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Kooky Kwanza, Funky Festivus, or whatever the hell it is you celebrate. I’ll help spread a little holiday cheer.. here’s a classic clip of my cameo appearance as Tiny Tim in George C. Scott’s “A Christmas Carol.” Clip courtesy of WBXX-TV.


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  1. […] your house is to drive directly to the Goodwill drop-off. If you’re lucky enough to have multiple Consumas gatherings with different groups, you could also re-wrap and re-gift immediately. Or if you have […]

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