Author Archives: chad riden

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2012-02-18

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  • Houston, we have a problem! Ha ha ha I'm so clever. RIP Whitney. #
  • TONIGHT! SmartyPants NerdCore ComedyShow at Steve's: 8pm. Free! Semi-open-mic for comics funnier than they are filthy: https://t.co/vQrK2br7 #
  • Like @MrChuckD said, "who gives a fuck about a god damn Grammy?" http://t.co/vDiyY0OG #
  • Tonight I opened the show with 8 minutes on tipping your wait staff. I don't know if I should be this proud of that and/or telling people. #
  • what kind of people put their office phone on speaker.. turn it up, then repeatedly dial busy numbers and listen to the GD busy signal? #
  • it's the same people who put their office phone on speaker.. turn it up, then navigate automated customer support robo menus for hours. #
  • oddly, also the same people who make EVERY phone call on the speakerphone.. and have their default windows noises chiming LOUD for every IM. #
  • no dude, it's bad. bad thoughts. negative mental images off the charts. I'm red-lining ovaheeea. “@mattconty: @ChadRiden you alright buddy?” #
  • fun show last night at Steve's if I do say so my own gat dern self. I really love everybody who shows up and supports the show. thank you. #
  • Today is a Geto Boys kinda day. All I have in this world is my Balls And My Word. ♫ http://t.co/8Dtp0ZSy #
  • I'm just gonna go out on a ledge here and say ANYONE who uses speakerphone for EVERY phone call is an ass-clown. #
  • While I'm 100% sure that is true, I still disapprove. Frown.// RT @Anundson: I like speaker phone. The more you use it the less people call. #
  • Divorce day! (@ Legislative Plaza) http://t.co/rKxPlOm7 #
  • I am now officially a divorcee. Best Valentine's Day gift, ever. Thanks, sweetie. #
  • keep hoping and dreaming and looking! I believe there's an Ex out there for everyone. // RT @KatrinaLColeman: Jealous! #
  • every time i pack my 8-year-old's lunch, I am tempted to put a can of beer in there. EVERY TIME. @CalliaRiden #
  • no idea who this "Jeremy Lin" is.. so I now play "STUPID SPORTS OR LAME MUSIC?": I guess.. STUPID SPORTS. Do I win? #
  • .@NikkiGlaser say what you will about Chris Brown, but if he can beat the shit out of Rihanna WHILE driving!? ..he's a pretty good driver. #
  • R.I.P. MADman, John Severin http://t.co/MjiEDJay #
  • Friday: KNOXVILLE – ANTI-Valentine’s Day Comedy Booze Cruise :: http://t.co/FZEZwAFg #
  • Saturday: MEMPHIS – @MemComedyFest's 9pm showcase show http://t.co/4Z8HsTzG #
  • Sunday: NASHVILLE – @NSup's SmartyPants NerdCore Comedy Show @ Steve's 8pm :: http://t.co/IiIowrXW #
  • #FF “@RobHaynes: I've spent more time trying to weigh the pros/cons of which sonic screwdriver to buy, than any car I've bought. #10thBTW #
  • .@DannyLimor I'm not sure why "finger boarding" exists but I'm positive that this kid is a virgin: http://t.co/tL9STKV3 #
  • Is "cosign" the "This: The Next Generation"? I say "word up" | RT “@micahwhite: Cosign. RT @daveweigel: @micahwhite "This" is the new "+1."” #
  • "Anyone who talks bad about another comic has a LOT to learn about how this business works." – @DaneCook in @ZaniesNashville green room 2002 #
  • according to @DougStanhope, worrying about that means you're probably NOT. | RT “@southworth: What if I'm "that guy" and I don't know it?” #
  • saying "@DougStanhope has a bit.." is the stand-up equivilent of @SouthPark's "Simpsons did it!" #
  • Way to go, TN. MT “@indecision: TN 2 ban gay subjects in schools. pretty sure in TN, science counts as a gay subject. http://t.co/1AKgs2i3 ” #
  • .@indecision please know that MOST of us in TN know that Stacey Campfield is a moron. He does NOT represent many of us: http://t.co/1gVGeJDu #
  • .@indecision I know. I'm waiting for Stacy Campfield to come out of the closet. That's how this works with the most homophobic republicans. #
  • Micro$0ft is always about 5 years behind Apple: http://t.co/wlrSk0dS vs “@hackernewsbot: Redesigning the Windows Logo. http://t.co/TVgBQUF2” #
  • I'm giving away 2 tickets to the ANTI-Valentine's Day Comedy Booze Cruise in Knoxville tonight. RT to enter to win. http://t.co/FZEZwAFg #
  • I've noticed the parents who have the flashiest rims on their cars are dropping off and picking up the dumbest, trashiest kids in school. #
  • 100% of people who buy Smart Water are Stupid People. #marketing2dummies #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2012-02-11

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  • if you're watching "boniver" on SNL right now you know everything you need to know about the #FuckMusic movement: http://t.co/XO4lLvMj #
  • #superbowl more like STUPOR Bowl #
  • #superbowl more like Super BORE #
  • It's surprisingly nice to see Madonna pretending to sing. #superbowl #SuperWhore #
  • It's hard to keep up w it all. I'm just going to wait for tomorrow's round-up of the best tweets about the shittiest #SuperBowl commericals. #
  • everybody who had #SuperBowl fever: remember to take ALL of your anti-biotics until they're gone.. don't quit just 'cause you feel better. #
  • If I was on camera at the #SuperBowl I would have flipped you all off, too. @MIAuniverse is one of the most brilliant marketers today. #
  • Does everybody have their tickets for this years "Chad By Chad West Festival"? March 9-18, 2012 – sponsored by the @Chadyterian Church #CXCW #
  • After all these years of haters sayin' there's no reason to practice crushing my balls over and over again while bouncing on a cable.. #
  • Just met Spanish cartographers who've returned from an expedition to large, unexplored regions of @ChadsBeard with never before seen photos. #
  • OH LOOK. Corruption, hypocrisy and doube-standards from the THP & Dickson cops for the director of Alcoholic Bev. Comm: http://t.co/Wbk0rKaD #
  • NONSENSE. I have a twitter account for EACH joke. Look for @CoreyIsntFunny coming soon “@reppocs: You have more twitter accounts than jokes” #
  • Sometimes I get recognized around town as "that weirdo who keeps trying to organize a violent coup of the homeowner's association." #
  • I'm proud to say I have performed on that historic old stage that @TheRyman is replacing. Where will the wood go? : http://t.co/BpC4SKIa #
  • wait, there are rap songs that sample Dave!? // RT “@jamiebradley: I like any rap that samples David Letterman speaking…” #
  • I would like to eat at Dick's someday. I think I'd enjoy being screamed at while getting lousy service from minimum-wage-making failures. #
  • the worst thing about dealing with a delusional moron is that no matter what happens, in their stupid little mind they're always "winning." #
  • stand-up comedy is the profession you seek. || “@IamEnidColeslaw: I want to live in a world where I get paid to eat and masturbate.” #
  • & now here I am explaining my Shamrock Shake shits on social media..“@McDonalds @BuzzFeed: Social Media Explained Through..Shamrock Shakes?" #
  • Hit a tree. “@FoxNews: The latest trend hitting the slopes, “Snowga,” combines the breathing and stretching principles of Yoga with Skiing” #
  • how could "don't bone" be a "dating" tip? c it phrased 10 diff. ways: “@700club: 10 Dating Tips for Christian Singles http://t.co/uS2miTdO” #
  • Succulent Salmonella vs. Blazin' Botulism? || RT “@McDonalds: Today is the big day! Flavor Battle is going down in Miami! #flavorbattle #
  • I wish you had something more interesting to say. || RT “@ParisHilton: 11:11 – Make a Wish….” #
  • because that cop is a dick? “@NC5 @NC5_NickBeres: An innocent doctor says a police officer used xsive force & illegally imprisoned him.Why?” #
  • Just checking before I put too much effort into it: jokes about my penis being over-worked and under-paid would be cute and endearing right? #

ANTI-Valentine’s Day Comedy Booze Cruise 2/17 (Knoxville, TN)

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Feb. 17th – Knoxville, TN: The ANTI-VALENTINE’S DAY Comedy Booze Cruise with ME, whores! Bring your broken hearts and your favorite beer stein we’re gonna burn this molefukka down.

Feb 17, 2012 - ANTI Valentine's Day Booze Cruise

Use promo code “CR” for $10 tickets (no fees).
Get your tickets NOW, this WILL SELL OUT:
http://comedyboozecruise5.eventbrite.com/

For years we have been tortured and forced into gifting by this oppressive Hallmark Holiday. Knoxville’s comedians have decided to do something about it. So for the second year in a row, we are having our FUCK VALENTINE’S DAY COMEDY SHOW! This year, it just so happens to be aboard a Riverboat.

The Knoxville Comedy Booze Cruise is a one of a kind experience. For two hours set sail in the Star of Knoxville Riverboat on the Tennessee River. The boat features two full bars and a live adult comedy show will be the entertainment for the evening. This is the BEST VALUE in Knoxville for a comedy show!

Tennessee Riverboat
300 Neyland Drive
Knoxville, TN 37902

(Facebook event page)

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2012-02-04

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  • one of the bittersweet aspects of #TG2EB4 is anticipating the "Black Sunday" deals when it's all over. All Cypress Hill vinyl 70% off!? yes. #
  • Thanks to everybody who helped make last night's SmartyPants show at Steve's fun – NO SHOW next week. Some football thing is happening. #
  • listening to Louis Armstrong records DOODLE DOOT DOOT has inspired me BEEDLE BOOP to scat my SCOOTLE DOOT DOO tweeteroos so BOOT DOOT DOO! #
  • my favorite living painter / felt artist is @ShanaKohnstamm -check out her work. I have 3 paintings of hers hanging in my house. Is awesome! #
  • Good! More of this, please. // RT @NashvilleScene: Stacey Campfield Denied Service at Knoxville Restaurant: http://t.co/L0pFgFAX #
  • Eating Thanksgiving 2 leftovers for lunch, I've decided that turkey gravy should be it's own food group and mandatory in all meals. #TG2EB4 #
  • yeay! I'm gonna go take a nap. My work is done for the day. // “@jackiekashian: @ChadRiden you just made Mary Mack laugh!! nice work.” #
  • Here's the video skitch I shot with.. RT @ScottyMcCreery Yall check it out.. I've been blackmailed by my own kin. http://t.co/Z0qRs6Lm in reply to ScottyMcCreery #
  • Thanks! It came from deep within my soul. || RT @itahCM "just wanted to tell you that you were great in the Scotty McCreery blackmail video" #
  • hey @ScottyMcCreery fans, if you like JIMMY DALE you should watch my other stupid videos at http://t.co/1KvRz3dD & this http://t.co/CGRJQuZk #
  • Actor Nick Santino Commits Suicide After Putting Dog To Sleep http://t.co/garj0d4A || I get it.. I felt bad when I had Guido spayed. #
  • yes, sir. I'd shave my face-squirrel for it. || RT @DougStanhope: Wanna suit up as 1%ers and Occupy Burning Man? Seriously. #
  • My favorite blogs are the ones where bloggers blog about blogging. #
  • you guys, @liquid_tv has a ton of classic Liquid Television clips up at http://t.co/kttFvyBH =awesome! notably missing: stick figure theatre #
  • Daily Show fans in Nashville! for 1/2 price John Oliver tickets at Zanies (9:45pm show on 2/3) use promo code "DAILY" owl.li/8N9wb #
  • Happy 30th Anniversary to Mr. Letterman and everybody at @Late_Show – thanks for consistently entertaining me for as long as I can remember. #
  • "if comics can't make jokes about comics, then the terrorists have won." – Dave Letterman, February 1, 2012 @Late_Show #
  • it's not making as many headlines but @RealDonaldTrump also just endorsed deez nuts. #
  • thanks @RaginTwatter Deez nuts have been polling well but I think Trump's support will swing the pendulum their way. Jump on the bandwaggon! #
  • holy crap it's getting serious. @OccupyNashville just threatened to "occupy the restrooms of all Pilot Travel Centers" http://t.co/CQxlNXKl #
  • my beard has officially moved from "adorably unkempt" status to "homeless dude 'occupying' a pilot truck stop men's room." #
  • #FF @sbellelauren "i bet oprah makes the greatest fart noises" #
  • would you still snicker when I say I'm eating brunch if you knew that in my head "brunch" = "bro lunch"? Yes? crap. #
  • [http://t.co/VJzHxCno]: ANTI-Valentine's Day Comedy Booze Cruise 2/17 (Knoxville, TN) http://t.co/2O2u0MKG #
  • I've already loaded @TweetDeck up with hilarious tweeteroos scheduled for tomorrow that say things like, "more like Super BORE" #UnfollowNow #

as “Jimmy Dale” in Scotty McCreery blackmail video

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A sketch video I did with American Idol’s Scotty McCreery to promote his ACM New Artist Of The Year nomination. DONT GET JIMMY DALE RILED UP YALL!

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2012-01-28

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  • last night @mybrucebruce fist bumped me and then did the double finger point. pretty sure that means I get to be black for a day (ladies). #
  • SmartyPants NerdCore Comedy Show 8pm tonight (every sunday) at Steve's; 604 Gallatin Avenue #217 Nashville, TN 37206 http://t.co/798p4vT2 #
  • My beard is starting to look like a bird's nest. That means it'll be ready to harvest in about a month or two. #
  • you're all invited to "Thanksgivin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo – Episode IV: A New Hope" at my house 7pm Sat, 1/28: http://t.co/q0Glp1N9 #TG2EB4 #
  • will you both shut up? It's too early for this. // RT @CORNspiracy: shouldnt yew be blacked out by now @DruncleSam? #
  • Look, you don't HAVE to come if you're not down. //RT @CecilPorter: you got drunk & insisted we act out Krush Groove "Rocky Horror" style. #
  • EVERY time people have mentioned "The Artist" this morning, just for one second I've thought, "Prince is nominated for a bunch of Oscars?" #
  • It's dumb, but maybe that's why I love the flier for "Thanksgivin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo – Episode IV: A New Hope": http://t.co/Cap42X4z #
  • I’ve invited 200+ people over for dinner. I hope nobody lets me down. #TG2EB4 http://t.co/9CZmOzEO #
  • No excuses! You're dead to me now. Sorry buddy. #TG2EB4 //RT @MichaelBrown: If I wasn't in WI this week, I'd be there! #
  • If someone took ME to #TG2EB4 for MY bd? OMG, guys. Best. Birthday. Ever. bit.ly/zKiqxW // RT @RaginTwatter: Its my wifes Bday that night. #
  • glad to see them focusing on what REALLY matters. //RT @Tennessean: East TN lawmakers propose 'Ten Commandments' bill. http://t.co/pdFwak0F #
  • hey @mmsgreen I've got some M&M product line ideas that'll pioneer awesome new ways for me to get fatter. Who do I talk to? Seriously. #
  • it’s late notice but “planning” is for ass-hats. If you can’t make it we’ll take that to mean you don’t love us #TG2EB4 http://t.co/9CZmOzEO #
  • The #sotu is the only show on tv with more standing ovations than Comic View. #
  • Did John Kerry get into a fight? What is going on with his face? #sotu #
  • so.. you're saying "sex dungeon injuries"? #JohnKerry #sotu // RT @micahwhite Banged up in a pick-up hockey game, allegedly. in reply to micahwhite #
  • Jay Leno's monologue? RT @joerogan imagine if every time you said something lame and uninspired a whole room full of old assholes applauded? in reply to joerogan #
  • Thanksgiving dinner is too awesome to just happen once a year. Therefore: "Thanksgivin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo" #TG2EB4 http://t.co/9CZmOzEO #
  • “Thanksgiving 2: Electric Boogaloo – Episode IV: A New Hope” is a very high society event for classy, awesome, smart people only. #TG2EB4 #
  • Listening to Unknown Hinson records. He's single-handedly making me rethink the whole #FUCKmusic movement. I might post a list of exceptions #
  • I'm one of the "& friends" // MT @zaniesnashville: @BillyWayneDavis & Friends: Free tix W, Th, Sun! Call 615.269.0221 http://t.co/mPJtDNm6 #
  • on behalf of bored comedians everywhere.. yes, please. // MT @realDonaldTrump: Ivanka thinks I should run for President. Maybe.. #
  • I'm looking at the analytics & I just don't believe more people aren't talking about #TG2EB4 This thing must be broken. http://t.co/q0Glp1N9 #
  • Judging by how my stomach feels, I think I ate your McBotulism meal. It's not good. // RT @McDonalds: Who had McD's for breakfast? #
  • To the people skerrrt by Facebook timeline: were you posting things on the internet that you are all of a sudden ashamed of? I don't get it. #
  • a PERFECT time to obstruct traffic w slave-animals. //RT @danschlacter: #Circus #beasts will be.. Demonbreun from 12th to 8th at 5 p.m. #
  • good show, fun times last night w/ @BillyWayneDavis @janeBorden @forrest_shaw @SeanParrott @BrianEKiley @DonniePollard and Dan Whitehurst. #
  • Doing @ZaniesNashville again 7:30pm tonight w/ @BillyWayneDavis @Anundson @BrianBatesComic :FREE tickets: 615-269-0221 & mention twitter #
  • if there's one thing i love it's input from ill-informed novices #
  • There's only so much pointless screwin' around I can do before it's nap time again. Time to start prioritizing my time-wasters. #
  • I keep forgetting to carry a flask with me for these terrible, long stretches of day when I'm not in a bar. #
  • I am. We're throwin down another Thanksgiving 2 Jammie Jam sat, you should stop in //RT @whoistccope: whats up boss you in town this weekend #
  • RT @UltimaForever: We agree http://t.co/bzyLLO2N // "Ultima: Most. Important. Game Series. Ever." #
  • a mass murderer who loves to hit da clubz and get krunk like a muhhhhfuh // RT @MTV: Question: Who should be the new #JerseyShore roommate? #
  • If you haven't RSVP'd for "Thanksgiving 2: Electric Boogaloo IV: A New Hope" – chances are you've squandered your life. http://t.co/9CZmOzEO #
  • RT @TMZ: If THIS tweet gets 1,000 RTs, we'll never tweet about Kim Kardashian again #
  • #TG2EB4 preparations have begun in the traditional fashion with coffee sweetened with laziness. http://t.co/q0Glp1N9 #
  • On the Chinese new year, @CalliaRiden said, "I like Chinese people. They invented sushi!" me: "that's Japanese." Callia: "whatever." #
  • The turkey is already in the oven. Booze is already flowing. #TG2EB4 : great MFing holiday? or GREATEST MFing holiday? https://t.co/9gXcOCRi #

Thanksgivin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo – Episode IV: A New Hope

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Thanksgivin' 2: Electric Boogaloo - Episode IV: A New HopeThanksgiving dinner is too awesome to just happen once a year.

Thanksgiving 2: Electric Boogaloo happens at random times of the year at my house, featuring a full Thanksgiving meal plus classic breakdancing movies: Breakin’, Breakin’ 2, Krush Groove. (I hate sports, so this is what we do instead of watching football or whatever it is normal people do.)

If you are reading this, you are invited. If you don’t know Chad Riden’s Address, ask. If you have kids you can bring them.. I don’t care. Callia will be there and if they get out of line she’ll kick them in the face.

You don’t have to bring anything, unless you want to. Nobody cares. Maybe bring whatever you want to drink? I’ll have MY favorite cheap swill available but it may not be what you like.

We’re calling it “Thanksgiving 2: Electric Boogaloo 4: A New Hope” because this is a very high society event for classy, awesome, smart people.

I’ve invited 200+ people over for dinner. I hope nobody lets me down. I know it’s late notice, but “planning” is for ass-hats. If you can’t make it for any reason, we’ll take that to mean you don’t love us.

Saturday, January 28, 2012
7:00pm

Chad Riden’s Address
(if you don’t already know, just ask)

(Facebook event)

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2011-12-24

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  • Too broke to pay for a car wash? Scrub your entire car with the window washer at the gas station, then drive fast to dry it off. #chadvice #
  • @iamcolinquinn DIE IN A FIRE! (actually, please don't.. I think you're hilarious, but I'm positive this is the only way you'll ever RT me) in reply to iamcolinquinn #
  • Have a broken Thing you can't afford to replace? Go buy an identical Thing. Return your broken Thing, asking for a cash refund. #chadvice #
  • Don't forget to spend a lot of money you don't have to buy a lot of gifts Nobody wants or needs so retailers will have a Merry Christmas! #
  • Make it emulate a phone that doesn't suck ass. // RT @EverythingMS Windows Phone emulator skin switcher.. #
  • very few things make me as happy as I get watching Dave Letterman struggle trying to send a jibberish tweeteroo out on the @Late_Show. #Hash #
  • @micahwhite when he goofs the screen up and asks for help to get his cursor back in the right place I wonder how often that happens off-air. in reply to micahwhite #
  • Get on my mailing list NOW — you don't want to miss the latest edition of my racist street jokes newsletter. #chadvice #
  • I'm going to East TN tomorrow to celebrate Festivus with my family.. then our annual competition to not be the one who Ruins Christmas. #
  • When I die.. if anybody ever puts a sticker on the back of their car to memorialize me, I will haunt you until you take that tacky shit off. #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2011-12-17

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  • Every time I load my dog up on pain pills I wonder if he's totally tripping out thinking, "they all know!" #
  • @JesseIsTerrific he had minor surgery – wart removal & a dental extraction. He hasn't been into recreational drug use since the late 90's. in reply to JesseIsTerrific #
  • Good news everybody.. Google Buzz is still alive and well. Let's all get on there today and Buzz it up, for old time's sake. #NeverGonnaDie #
  • I went to a Vegan Thanksgiving party once. Everything tasted really good.. but you know what tastes GREAT? Turkey and gravy. #SuckItSoy #
  • Before I get around to Christmas, I think I've still got another Thanksgiving in me.. but when!? Soon-ish: Thanksgiving 2: Electric Boogaloo #
  • RT @Tennessean Fewer people went to the movies the past two weekends than after 911. tnne.ws/thDave // I'd rather re-live 911 than see NYE. #
  • I've got a lot of great PR ideas for @Lowes – first, a new ad campaign featuring Bocephus, Jeff Dunham's puppets and a lot of fireworks. #
  • I love seeing "a PORTION of the proceeds go to charity" – what kind of dick hole takes money at a charity gig? #assClowns #
  • Constipated? Get a #BigMac Nothing clears out your colon quite like food poisoning from the grey rat meat served at @McDonalds. #sponsored #
  • RT @Microsoft "What does MS-DOS stand for?" // M$ bought QDOS, repackaged & resold it.. so it stands for M$'s Derivative Operating System? #
  • before we burn @Lowes to the ground, make sure you stock up on pitchforks & torches from the fine non-racist folks at @HomeDepot. #sponsored #
  • Sandusky pleads not guilty & requests a jury trial. Brilliant! Drag it out as long as possible & put it all on tv. What could pos. go wrong? #
  • Will you be burning any crosses in your neighbor's yards this Christmas? @Lowes has all the supplies you need to spread hate! #sponsored #
  • I have just created a new list titled 'terrible_shit' using TweetDeck, follow it here: @ChadRiden/terrible-shit (seriously don't) #
  • Donald #Trump pulled out of the 12/27 Repub. Debate, says even he doesn't want to be associated with that living joke, Donald Trump. what? #
  • RT @FoxNews Will this be the first #Christmas no one gives you a CD? // FINGERS CROSSED.. #FuckMusic #
  • RT @ultimaaiera "I dunno about #FuckMusic quot;// The vast majority of music is pretty terrible, but nobody says the Emperor Wears No Clothes.. #
  • Donald Trump has pulled out of the debate.. wants to distance himself from attention whore novelty candidates with no chances of winning. #
  • RT @SarahPalinLinks Poll Results: Big Government is Greatest Threat to Americans// so, what do we do? bomb the crap out of it and invade it? #
  • @wired I can only speak for MY kid, but she LOVES her iPhone and would probably think a Nokia phone was a generic piece of shit. in reply to wired #
  • politicians are trying to make the internet suck with SOPA, neuter our phones while traveling.. is there ANYTHING they DO understand? wtf #
  • @BillyWayneDavis of course.. I mean BESIDES money and whores. in reply to BillyWayneDavis #
  • @Late_Show uh, oh.. has Dave started drinking again? // RT @Late_Show Finger bleeding Dude! in reply to Late_Show #
  • Reality show producers: I just learned from this BBC doc that Terminator X left Public Enemy to run a North Carolina ostrich farm. #GetOnIt #
  • History will judge if "history will judge" is a valid excuse for doing really terrible things to other human beings in the pursuit of money. #
  • RT @BarackObama Who inspires you to give to the #Obama2012 campaign? OFA.BO/kh45zL //Nearly every Republican who opens their mouth to speak #
  • @YoungLionSODMG I knew you'd like that one. Don't eat at #WackArnolds errbody. in reply to YoungLionSODMG #
  • RT @McDonalds "5 Egg McMuffins, 4 Happy Meals, 3 French Fries, 2 Apple Pies…" // ..and a lipitor perscription for the rest of your liiife. #
  • @APShaya I use @waze on my iPhone mounted on my dash for navigation. Would it be better if I was holding a paper map while driving? #
  • "LORD please let @realDonaldTrump spend $1 B on an election campaign this year." -Every late night tv show monologue joke writer #LivingJoke #
  • I really want to get my white friends together to celebrate Kwanzaa. We've stolen everything else from black people.. why not this? #
  • RT @GregFitzShow My mom just went to Abercrombie & Fitch.. She told me that she asked them to turn the music off.// Good for her! #FuckMusic #
  • RT @DanaJGould Christ..sent..to take away the sins of the world. ..your uncle would like a wet vac// ..to clean up the evidence of HIS sins #
  • RT @McDonalds How can we put our mktg efforts to inform kids on making smart nutrition choices?// Tell them to avoid your fast food & sodas. #
  • @aprilmacie start a podcast or webseries doing it. #GetAprilMacieToHostAShowAboutSex (I said "doing it") in reply to aprilmacie #
  • RT @Late_Show Dude: You"re awesome!! CALL!! // thanks, Dave! I keep trying to call but Art won't put me thru to the desk at home base. #
  • @JimmyFallon I'm pretty sure this is for you. Dave doesn't understand how to tweeter you. // RT @Late_Show: Dude: You"re awesome!! CALL!! #
  • RT @realDonaldTrump Iran.. Imagine what they will do with nukes?! // what everybody else does – wave them at the world like a phallic threat #
  • RT @SarahPalinLinks "Diomede, Alaska, Where Sarah Palin Can WALK to Russia// I'll give @sarahpalinusa ALL my money if she does & STAYS there #
  • .@KourtneyKardash : Most Fascinating People of 2011 :: poop : a wonderful Christmas present for your most cherished friends and family #
  • RT @ablackcurse Holy shit @chadriden is at foobar #fastraintoaersomeville // good to see you buddy. Foobar on weds is awesome errbody. #
  • @grahamgilson thanks for coming to the show, man.. that was fun. @NSUP FTW in reply to grahamgilson #
  • RT @realDonaldTrump "Iran's nuclear program must be stopped" #TimeToGetTough // demand to see their birth certificates. That'll show 'em! #
  • RT @McDonalds Morning, tweeps! How is everyone feeling today? :) // UGH, not too good.. I think I accidentially ate a McShitYourPants. #
  • RT @iamdiddy Behind the Scenes of Ciroc 'Art of Celebration' Commercial bit.ly/rz1B2bç // I'll bet this video gives @RalphieMay a headache. #
  • @lizwearstights I'm sure it happened somewhere between the pool table exercises and @SeanParrott's lap dance. Good times. in reply to lizwearstights #
  • Background dancers with record deals. Beauty pageant contestants who can't sing. Modern day Sir Nose DeVoidOfFunk's, every one. #FuckMusic #
  • Churchy people seem to have forgotten that Jesus always gave FREE healthcare to EVERYBODY who wanted it. YOU whine about socialism. WWJD? #
  • @VeryAverageJoe that was directed @ Churchy people who *claim* to care about Jesus but seem to have missed the point of everything he said. in reply to VeryAverageJoe #
  • Just to clarify, I firmly believe all organized religions are equally wrong. Except The Holy @Chadyterian Church. http://t.co/j7qMHsoy #
  • Yes, Dave, both hangin' AND bangin'. Shoutout to @WahooMike. What What? // RT @Late_Show Hash Tag. S'up boys? hangin' and bangin?, #
  • @Late_Show while Dave is on the line, can I formally request the return of Viewer Mail? (and Pea-Boy.. or is that pressing my luck?) in reply to Late_Show #
  • @chadwoo124 Warped, how? I pay into the system, how am I using other people's money? in reply to chadwoo124 #
  • @DaninChucktown I'm not asking for socialism. I want a healthcare system that benefits patients NOT the insurance & pharmaceutical companies in reply to DaninChucktown #
  • @peterdepp you're an adult, buy your own iPad2. You sound like an older, thinner, Jewish Eric Cartman. in reply to peterdepp #
  • @beersnobrob HA! feeling all right. Do I sound break-down-y or somethin'? I'm doing good & stuff. What warning signs should I be looking for #
  • @chadwoo124 do I do that? I don't remember supporting murder. Mercy killings, yes. Bombing countries of brown people, sure.. but MURDER!? NO in reply to chadwoo124 #
  • @chadwoo124 were you say "supports murder" are you talking about executing criminals? I'm not sure what argument you want to have. in reply to chadwoo124 #
  • @beersnobrob OOOOoohhhh, I'm still in TN. NY move postponed while I get my divorce on like Donkey Kong. in reply to beersnobrob #
  • studio gangstas #FuckMusic #
  • @KimKardashian beautiful! When I see a pink orb with "KK" & "Kim Kardashian" scrawled on it I think "Christmas IS here." #GodBlessUsEveryOne in reply to KimKardashian #
  • RT @ultimaaiera Jesus also didn't need other people's tax dollars.. // He STILL doesn't. Stop giving money to these churches, everybody. #
  • watch @YoungJeezy's "band" (a dj, a drummer and 2 hype men pretending to play guitar) on @Late_Show: http://t.co/akSxUxSk #FuckMusic #
  • #FF @BRADBRADBRAD: "I hate the way SOME PEOPLE talk smack about some people on twitter but are too cowardly to call them by name." #
  • The Death Penalty: WWJD? (video) http://t.co/I8dM8qum #
  • I think Saturdays should be reserved for all the RT'ing of #FF #039;s. Let's keep Fridays clean and classy, guys. #
  • RT @giaimo13 Good sir, woudst thou regale us with a tale? #cleanFridays // Once I camped out in NYC's Central Park for 4 days/nights.. #
  • RT @giaimo13 Astounding! John Lennon festival? // nope, poor ass Eagle Scout trying to spend 0 dollars in the big city about 10 years ago. #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2011-12-10

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  • The SmartyPants NerdCore Comedy Show will start at 8:30 tonight @ Steve's on Gallatin Pike. http://t.co/3BsV5SNJ happy hour specials galore! #
  • The official reason @CalliaRiden was late to school this morning: "a mean time traveler took us 5 min. into the future!" sorry @MetroSchools #
  • we could totally be best friends//RT @DianneGallagher All I want for Christmas is Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol. I'm not even kidding #
  • @ryanwilliams718 You're an adult why are you eating at Wendy's? was McDonald's out of happy meals? Burger King didn't have the toy you want? in reply to ryanwilliams718 #
  • @ryanwilliams718 GDit, you're doing it wrong. Where you typed "something something something" is where you're supposed to type funny things. in reply to ryanwilliams718 #
  • the Jokers Network can't play Leno reruns – they're offensively not funny // RT @iamcolinquinn JOKERS NETWORK: WE'RE FUNNY BUT…NO OFFENSE! #
  • my daughter is "Top Frog of the week" in her classroom which means I'm terribly inconvenienced every day doing some random shit for the kids #
  • At @CalliaRiden's class musical performance.. Some of these third graders have terrible mic technique. Come on kids, step it up. #
  • completely non-shocking confession: I used to watch The WB's "7th Heaven" in the hope Jessica Biel's character would do something naughty. #
  • Dear Duggar family: at this point, your miscarriage is the most subtle message the universe could possibly have sent you. #GetNeutered #
  • @giaimo13 I haven't seen it.. but I'll bet it does look more like a clown car than a vagina at this point. #Duggar #GetNeutered in reply to giaimo13 #