Attack On America

We’ve all seen the video of planes crashing and buildings collapsing. People running for their lives screaming and wailing. Smoldering piles of rubble where the World Trade Center used to be and at the Pentagon. Our first thoughts go to the people in the buildings: friends, family, fellow Americans. I’ve called or emailed to check in with my friends in New York just to make sure they’re ok. Thankfully, nobody I know was involved in the attack. I hope you find your friends and family to be as lucky as mine were.

After watching television for 17 hours straight, seeing the events unfold live right in front of me, I went to sleep knowing I was safe. Crazy things like that don’t happen here. Nobody attacks Nashville. My house isn’t exactly a high-profile symbol of America that some weird foreigner wants to snuff out. Nobody in Jerusalem would cheer if CNN reported that my home had been destroyed. I can wake up at my leisure, turn on the tv and see what those wackos are up to off in those distant places.

I used to watch the fighting in the Middle East and think, “Wow. Sucks for them.” Then flip the channel until I found something funny. I wasn’t concerned with idiots blowing each other up on the other side of the world. It’s been going on a lot longer than I’ve been around.. in fact, they’ve been fighting forever.. and if you believe the Book of Revelations, you know that someday it’ll lead to Armageddon.

In the past, what this meant to me was: “I’m not vacationing in the Middle East. Those people aren’t any fun.” I’d rather hang out in the beautiful Tennesse Valley where my biggest worry is my dog’s flea problem. I go about my day thinking up jokes for my next set and funny things to do with my friends. About twice a year I make a pilgrimage to New York to see Late Show with David Letterman, The Daily Show, Late Night, and the Upright Citizens Brigade. Terrorist acts don’t affect me.

But wait a minute. What if some moron decides to blow something up next time I’m in New York? That might inconvenience me! What if the shows I want to see are cancelled? What if I can’t get a train to my friend’s apartment so I can crash when I’m tired? Unacceptable!

Something has to be done to stop these bastards. The FBI can arrest all the associates of the hijackers, but will that be enough? Won’t Osama bin Laden just send more rag-head maniacs to infiltrate our wonderful country and wreak havoc? We’ve got to stop them before they strike again! We need to round-up those crazy Arabs among us. That guy at the Jiffy Mart.. the family down the street. Who knows what they’ve been planning? We can’t trust them, they look different than we do!

As red-blooded Americans, we can’t stand for this attack on our home soil. We have to defend truth, justice and peace! We have to strike back at the bastards where it really hurts.. Jordan, Afghanistan.. we might as well get Saddam Hussein and Khadaffi while we’re at it. Hell, just NUKE ‘EM ALL! If we kill everybody, then we’ll show ‘em why we’re so much better than them.

So buy a US flag and fly it proudly. Wear your red, white and blue clothes and beat the hell out of everybody who doesn’t look like you. Most importantly, forward this to 10 people or you’ll have bad luck.

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