Yearly Archives: 2001

What’s in? What’s out?

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IN: The Lord of the Rings.
OUT: The Lord of the Dance.

IN: Overpriced game consoles that will be obsolete in 3 years.
OUT: Playthings involving creative thinking and a healthy attention span.

IN: Low-cut jeans on hot, young girls.
OUT: Shirtless dudes.

IN: “Segway,” the $3,000 gyroscope scooter.
OUT: Walking down the street, pushing a bicycle.

IN: Accurate, responsible, and professional reporting of the news.
OUT: Geraldo.

IN: Osama-beards.
OUT: The little Hitler-esque square of chin-hair thing.

IN: Quality, well-crafted hilarious comedy.
OUT: Jay Leno.

IN: Blind, unfocused patriotism.
OUT: Apathetic ignorance.

IN: Overly dramatic computer virus warnings.
OUT: “Forward this and Bill Gates will pay you $500!”

IN: Talented, entertaining, original musicians.
OUT: Creed.

IN: Stable, reasonably priced software that makes computing fun and easy.
OUT: Windows XP.

IN: Intelligent, informed debate over the important topics of the day.
OUT: Talk about moving the Miss. America Pageant.

IN: Leaders with vision, substance and integrity.
OUT: Hillary Clinton.

IN: Dave.
OUT: Oprah.

IN: www.MangyDog.com
OUT: www.ChadRiden.com

Consumas Greetings!

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It’s the moosssst nauseating tiiiime of the year. Well, almost.. Valentines Day is hard to beat. The December Holidays are second in the race for most depressing season only because there isn’t heart-shaped crap in your face everywhere you go. Instead, it’s the cliched Christmas garbage that has been crammed down our throats so many times that we’re fooled into thinking it’s tradition.

This continued complete bastardization of the true meaning of the season has permeated every aspect of our daily lives. Everywhere you go.. what do you see? It’s out there in the malls.. it’s all over radio, television and the internet. It’s even inked all over that pathetic, old-world, dead medium, print.

Will we ever be able to escape from it all and get back to the basics? Or have they permanently altered our concept of what the meaning of this season is? What values and customs will our children pass on to theirs? I wonder if the old ways I know and love will be forgotten. Will the ways of my ancestors eventually wither and die from lack of interest like the wonderful Police Academy franchise? I’d like to bring Christmas back to what I refer to as the “Police Academy 1 – 4″ era.. the glory years.. the way it should be. As it stands, our holidays are stuck somewhere in the “Police Academy television series” era.. a total disgrace.

More than anything else, the one thing that really burns me is the way the religious zealots keep trying to sneak God, Jesus and The Bible into this once-sacred celebration. Always pushing their wacky ideas on everybody.. trying to make religion the focus instead of the one thing that we hold near and dear as holy: commercialism.

It just makes me sick to think that consumer spending is down so low this quarter. How can you call yourself an American if you’re not out there buying big ticket items like the Nintendo Wii? Don’t you care about the economy? Don’t you care about your kids? The only way to let your friends and family know that you love them is to buy them something impersonal and expensive. Roses and X-Boxes are good, but diamonds and SUV’s are better.

When will we all wake up and realize that self-reflection, worship and spending time with loved ones wastes precious time when we could be watching Coca-Cola polar bear commercials? While Satans little helper, Martha Stewart, pushes her wreaths and wassail, true traditionalists like myself know that nothing says “peace on earth” quite like over-extending your credit to buy the latest disposable-fad products at your local Wal-Mart.

Maybe I’m being too critical. It’s just that when I hear all this junk about the so-called “true meaning of the season” it really burns my brownies. I’m just thankful that when I get depressed about the way the world is heading, I can go into any Quickie-Stop-N-Shop and see Santa endorsing cartons of Lucky Strikes. That always cheers me up.

Have a Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Kooky Kwanza, Funky Festivus, or whatever the hell it is you celebrate. I’ll help spread a little holiday cheer.. here’s a classic clip of my cameo appearance as Tiny Tim in George C. Scott’s “A Christmas Carol.” Clip courtesy of WBXX-TV.

httpv://www.youtube.com/v/YX075Zm_ahs&hl=en&fs=1

Lame Late Show Impressions (Show #1723 recap)

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Lame Late Show Impressions
Wednesday, December 12, 2001
Show #1723

News From The International Idiots Home Office

Andy Garcia, Chris Matthews

PLUS: George Clarke’s Celebrity Interview, Holiday Hairpiece Not A Hairpiece, a Kaulter Twins piece from Entertainment Tonight, and other stuff.

“And now, Pashtun Tribal Leader, David Letterman!”

It’s funny, ’cause it’s TRUE! No, no, no. The actual Pashtun Tribal Leader is the soft-spoken Hamid Karzai, who was named interim Prime Minister by the U.N.-sponsored gathering of Afghan factions in Bonn, Germany. Hamid’s headquarters is a huddle of mud huts in the southern Afghan desert in Shahwalikot. Or at least that’s what that rag, TIME, says.

The monologue dripped with delicious comedy goodness:

- Guy in front of the Ed / middle finger / gave / bottle of cologne.
- NYC kids / pay attention to their faces / might have to pick them out of a lineup.
- Christmas gift for paperboy / put it in an envelope / drove by / threw it into a puddle.
- News from Afghanistan / Osama can’t communicate with his agents / I’ve had same problem / 20 years.
- Osama / facelift / doing pre-Oscar show with daughter Melissa bin Laden.
- Osama / improved look / so attractive / last night he went out and got “bin Laden.”

The middle finger guy is always fun. NYC kids’ faces is a funny rerun, too. I liked the Osama jokes as well. A short, sweet set.

Paul fanfare

Guest list

Oprah update: It’s “just a matter of time” according to People. If you ask me (and I know you haven’t), it’s just a matter of time until Oprah gets so full of herself she explodes. I just hope she’s outside of Chicago when it happens. I’d hate to see my sweet home splattered with Oprah-goo.

Oceans 11 has “fantastic star power.” The phrase “fantastic star power” reminds me of when the Star Trek kids took the Enterprise around the sun and went back in time. Sometimes I wish I could do that and go back to a time when the Star Trek franchise didn’t suck.

George Clarke has a celebrity interview with George Clooney. “George are you rubbing your foot against my leg?” “Sorry, I couldn’t help myself” “Stop it.” Dave says, “he’s just that good looking.” Is he talking about George? or was it George?

Holiday Hairpiece, Not A Hairpiece. Hi-ho babes in santa-babe suits.. what more do you need to know?

The Late Show Newsletter : Week of November 12, 2001 said, “Late Show supermodel Andrea Sande… is soon leaving New York City to join the cast of a soap opera produced in Brazil.” When is she leaving? I really don’t want her to go. I’ve been looking into ways to get Brazilian soap operas here in Nashville. If anybody has any suggestions, please let me know. Also, if there are any LSwDL staffers reading this, please tell Andrea I love her.

Dave feels bad about this guy, and guesses ‘not a hairpiece.’ I laughed at the obvious rug as soon as he was on camera. It still looked better than my hair at its best, though.

We went into the break 11:17 into the big show.

ACT 2

Felicia is using a slide thingie.. sounds good. I just got my first guitar a few weeks ago. I’m still learning my first song right now: “Maggot Brain” by Funkadelic. I don’t quite have it yet, but I’m getting closer.

Rupert says “the hair was going against the grain.” Will Rupert be with us all night? What does he do when he’s not? “I go home.” That’s funny, I’d expect Rupert to get wild on the town before retiring for the night. A decadent romp thru the streets of the city that never sleeps! Questionable activities while consorting with shady people in filthy places.. finally crashing out early in the morning in Central Park. Doesn’t everybody do that? or is it just me?

Dave brings up “Alan & Rick, the Kaulter Twins.” Hairpiece? Alan should have shot back something about Dave’s prison cut. What a great piece this was. The duo split in 1977.. “songs in the key of kaulter” was one of their albums.. Tonight Show clips! The Tonight Show starring Johnny Carson! How cool. Reminds me of the times back when Tonight was still a proud beacon of quality comedic entertainment, not the pathetic smoldering shambles of a show it has become.

Mark Fichman (former manager) says, “about those gold records: did you look at them? they’re pancakes!” Ha! Alan (or is it Rick?) was interrupted while singing “Where is the love?” by Rick (or was it Alan?) screaming, “are you trying to miss every G-D note? Go to hell you red-headed freak!”
Jon Read (studio engineer), claims that this is, “the creepiest job i’ve ever had in my life. and i’ve worked with Michael Jackson.”

“They really like making up.” Both Alan and Rick in a spa, drinking champagne. It would be really disturbing if this wasn’t so funny.

Top 10: Excuses Of The American Taliban Guy. Boy what a tool, this kid is. The youth of America, ladies and gentlemen! Raise your kids, parents. Please.. I’m begging you.

The list claims he was tricked by the brochure.. was interning.. got tired of wearing clean clothes and not getting shot at.. thought it was a paintball game.

Going out to commercial, we see a bump shot of Alan and Rick’s toast..

ACT 3

Green Onions! Love that song. My favorite version of that is on The Blues Brothers’ “Made in America” album… co-produced by Paul Shaffer.

Andy Garcia
Andy plays Harry Benedict in the Ocean’s Eleven remake. I know Hollywood thinks it can do whatever it wants, but how can you possibly think you can do a better job at *anything* than Frank Sinatra and his “clan”? I’m an egomaniac, but I don’t even come close to that kinda gall. When visiting a military base, “they were wildly excited to see Julia.” Who wouldn’t be? If there are any Julia Roberts staffers reading this, please tell Julia I love her.

Andy is also in “The Man from Elysian Fields” as a male escort who was “turned out” and pimped by Mick Jagger. Apparently this happens often due to the dang-ole telemarketers. Here in Tennessee we have some kinda “No Call” law preventing the telemarketers from dialing us up. Does it work? I dunno. I don’t have a regular phone… just a cell. I’ve never recieved a telemarketing call on it.

ACT 4

Chris Matthews
Host of Hardball and author of “Now let me tell you what I really think.” Dave doesn’t think hardball is mean, instead he finds it exciting. I haven’t spent a lot of time watching the show. Chris thinks we’re back to honoring our 5-year-old heros: firemen, nurses. Great! Now, let’s pay them well. What good does it do to put a flag on your car and wear a stupid ribbon? Let’s do something of substance.

Dave asks about flying, and Chris answers with a comment about eye contact in NYC. “Homeland security” puts him in the mind of words like “motherland, fatherland.” That is kind of weird. Eventually getting to the flight question, Chris asks who is going to stop somebody from putting a “bandanna on the top of their head.” ME! No bandannas on my watch! I used to wear “doo rags”.. until Tupoc (God rest his soul) retired to that great golden Cadillac in the sky. Then, out of respect for the man who laid down his life for peace in hip-hop, I laid down my bandanna. Chris suggests we fight terrorists with our shoes, belts, and laptops.

“We’re like pioneer men, again… Davy Crockett, Daniel Boone.” What? When did this happen? We’re primitive people, but I don’t see “us” as Davy Crockett-like. I don’t get it.

Chris thinks the Osama tape contains “Hitler stuff, Nixon stuff.” Grouping Osama bin Laden with Hitler and Nixon? I laughed.

On the American Taliban kid: “Its a free country, he bought his ticket.” THAT, I agree with. Screw the little traitor.

ACT 5

Wave, yokels! You’re on tv!

ACT 6

Dave says Johnny Walker is “in a shipping container.” Good. Anybody who looks that much like Charles Manson should be kept in a giant Ziploc disposable tupperware thing. Mr Matthews says he’s “so far to the left, Hillary Clinton called him a traitor.” Hey, that’s pretty good! “Don’t let him ever come back, treat him like everybody else in the cave.”

A good guest. I started off not liking him, but when he started talking about the traitor-kid, he won me over. At least Chris Matthews has something of substance to say. I don’t always agree with him, but that’s good. If everybody agreed with me it’d be a frightening world.

ACT 7

The wrap up. “Come back when you have something on your mind.”

“Put on your pants.” Always good advice.

CONVERSATION AND DISCUSSION SPARKED FROM THE WAHOO GAZETTE

Mike says, “diamonds are so stupid. Hasn’t mankind evolved past the point of being fascinated with shiny rocks?”

I wish. Don’t buy expensive crap for Christmas presents.. it doesn’t mean you love them more, just ’cause you spent more money. Buy cheap crap! And what better place to buy cheap crap than Mangy Dog’s online store. Go now, go often, go nuts!

THIS WAS CONVERSATION AND DISCUSSION SPARKED FROM THE WAHOO GAZETTE

Overall, I felt it was a great show. At least Nashville’s CBS affiliate, “NewsChannel5″ WTVF-TV, “Your News & Information Leader” didn’t completely screw the entire broadcast up the way they normally do. The Master Control Operator must’ve been asleep, ’cause usually he rolls breaks late, dips to black, and puts up obnoxious weather graphics that cover 2/3 of the screen talking about slightly inclement weather 100 miles away from their actual coverage area. Not tonight.. it was a clean show. Props to you, WTVF!

All Around The World For The Funny

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“Support local comedy!” This is our mantra – we repeat it every Tuesday night at The Cantina.. we used to say this every Tuesday night at Zanies.. but we’re preaching to the choir. The people there are supporting local comedy.. and that’s great. I appreciate everybody’s time, attention, and money. Today, I’d like to expand the decree to be a little more inclusive: “Support what you enjoy!”

Go out and bands, artists, restaurants, bars, clubs, theaters.. whatever / whoever / wherever it is – if you like it, get out there and give them your money and physical presence. Not just local events, but nationally touring ones too. If we don’t, the things we love will slowly disappear and years from now we’ll wonder, “what ever happened to ______?”

I’m not saying go out just for the sake of going out and blowing your money.. be choosy. Don’t waste your time on crap. Sure, you have to blindly some things you don’t like… Mom makes “artwork” with body parts dipped in paint? The kid plays second string on some inter-mural team? The boyfriend performs with some awful band? Yup, you’ve gotta go. That’s not the kind of I’m talking about.

There are better reasons to get out. When you go enjoy an evening on the town, you never know what’s going to happen. I’ve been rewarded for my opitulation in so many ways, I couldn’t come close to listing them all.. but I can tell you one story that illustrates my point.

My good friend Graham Spice has a funky band called The Guy Smiley Blues Exchange.. they are constantly on the road touring – spreading The Funk – and if you don’t go see them live every chance you get you’re crazy. I went to see them a few months ago at the Liquid Lounge in Nashville. They were the opening act for PM Dawn and digital underground for an outdoor show.

The weather was threatening rain early in the evening, and not many people showed up in time to see the GSBE. I was there, though, and the boys had a great set and ripped it up as always. They played some original tunes and some covers – all of it sounded fantastic (Buy their new live album right now!) When they were done, they had to pack up quick and hit the road for another gig (that same night) several hours away in another state.

As they were rolling out of the parking lot, my buddy Graham thanked me for coming out, shook my hand and left me standing there with an all-access “staff” pass in my hand. “You gotta get pictures with The Nose,” he said. Yes, indeed I did. Humpty Hump was going to be there in just a few hours and, by God, it was my chance to ‘do the Hump.’

If you don’t know, d.u. is an Oakland-based rap group from back in the day when rap was rap (and not crap). You may remember the big hits off their Sex Packets album (definitely one of the greatest albums of all-time): “The Humpty Dance,” “Do Whatcha Like,” “The Way We Swing,” and “Freaks Of The Industry.” Or maybe you know them as the group that introduced the world to Tupoc Shakur.. regardless, you should fire up whatever you use to steal music and download all the tracks you can find.

I stayed low-key for a while. I put the pass in my pocket and played the role of “nice, money-spending, sheep / patron.” I’m not a fan of PM Dawn, but who cares.. digital underground was on the way!

Pressed up against the stage, I tolerated the Liquid Lounge idiot / staffer who had a water gun loaded with cheap beer.. I persevered as the crowd pushed forward.. I endured as really hot girls pressed up against me.. oh, the struggle that is my life.

It wasn’t too long before the boys came busting out onto the stage spraying champagne all over the crowd and smoking blunts. Yes, they were passing around a nice fat bone and boy did it smell good. It went back and forth across the stage a few times, then Money B handed the giant doob to me, motioning to pass it around. Puff, puff, pass, pass.. I forked it over to the hottie next to me.. she gave it to another dame.. then the Liquid Lounge idiot / staffer bogarted it and horked it down to half the size it was before. With an annoyed look on his face, Shock G took the blunt back and passed it around the stage again.

They went thru most of the classic underground songs.. I was really glad to hear one of my favorites, “Same Song,” from This Is An E.P. Release. A take-off of George Clinton’s chant, “All around the world for the funk,” the refrain is “All around the world, it’s the same song.” The beat gets you movin’ on it’s own, but it’s backed up with fat keyboards from “The Piano Man” himself and decked off with the “lyrical miracle” one associates with the sound of the underground.

One great thing about this song is the verse from Tupoc, who (God rest his soul) has gone on to that great golden Cadillac in the sky. In his absence, they asked the crowd to sing his part:

“Now I clown around when I hang around with the underground..
Girls used to frown / say ‘down’ when I come around.
Gas me, they used to pass me, they used to dis me,
harass me, but now they ask me if they can kiss me.
Get some fame, people change – wanna live their life high.
Same Song can’t go wrong if I play the nice guy.
(Did’jer claim to fame change now that we became strong?)
I remain still the same.
(why Tupe?)
’cause it’s the Same Song.”

The show came to an end with “The Humpty Dance.” They walked off the stage, over into the “staff / performers only” backstage area. I donned my pass and walked right in as if I’d been doing that all night. For a while I was standing in a circle with the PM Dawn kids and a couple of digital underground’ers.. talking about how great the crowd was, how musical Nashville is. My profound insight: “It’s much deeper than just country.” Shock G nods agreement, “Yeah, when I got em doing the ‘errrrr-reeeee, errrrr-reeeee’ bass part.. they hung with me no matter how far I took it. They were right there!”

Money B was busy hooking it up with a hottie, but took the time to take a picture with me. A lady came up to Shock G and handed him a doobie. He thanked her and gave her his Humpty nose & glasses, saying it’s the only one he had with him but she deserved it. Wow. I asked him to take a picture with me and he obliged. I thanked him for coming to Nashville, and told him to have fun while he’s here. “I already have,” he says.

It was a great time. I would have enjoyed the show even if I wasn’t able to get backstage.. but because I came out and supported the Guy Smiley Blues Exchange, I was rewarded with an experience most people will never know.

So, next time your friend says, “hey come see me perform!” Don’t blow him off. Don’t assure him that “someday” you’ll come out to see him. Make the time to get out and give it up. If it sucks, let him know. If it rocks, come back again and bring more people. If we don’t do this now, someday when we finally do show up, the show could be cancelled for lack of support.. or your friend may have already become discouraged and quit.. and really crappy acts with will be all that remains.

Support my homies:
Shock G
The Guy Smiley Blues Exchange
NashvilleStandUp.com

Thanks For Nothing

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Thanksgiving has always been one of my favorite times of the year. The trees are beautiful, the grass has stopped growing, football season really heats up, people gather to eat enormous meals, and we’re just few weeks away from Christmas and New Years.

The only downside to this time of year I can think of off hand is the leaves all over the yard. I’m not a stickler about raking them up as soon as they fall – I love walking thru the piles, kicking them around for a while. Even when it’s time to do some yard work, I don’t mind raking them.. that’s part of the fun. What burns me is that when you’re shuffling thru leaves, your chances of unknowingly slopping thru a pile of dog crap goes up 80%.

Weather we want to or not, it’s almost inevitable that we start thinking about what we are thankful for. Why? Because every half-wit asks you, “what are you thankful for?” Plus, people desperate for column ideas write about what they’re thankful for, forcing you to be somewhat introspective. Either you begin reflecting upon the past year and your entire life.. or you take one look and clickity-click-clicking your way over to some wholesome, seasonal, hard-core porn.

I have a lot to be thankful for. I’m writing and performing comedy, and am lucky enough to be able to spend most of my evenings hanging out and enjoying other comedians among friends. I have a great job, a wonderful family, the pimpin’est dog, and good health. Nobody’s trying to kill me (that I know of), I don’t have some weird festering, dripping rash, I haven’t knocked anybody up, and there’s no silly drama in my life.

Things are going pretty good for me, but that’s not all I’m happy about. I’m thankful for what’s going on in the world around me. I’ve got plenty of things to make fun of… Michael Jackson is back, Britney Spears has a new album, and the Cute Boy Band craze continues. Benefit concerts abound, the Emmy Award Show was postponed until nobody on the planet cared anymore, Temptation Island 2 is on tv, and Jennifer Lopez is shooting another movie.

Even politics are conducive to comedy. We’re bombing the hell outta Afghanistan, so it’s ok again to make fun of people who wear turbans and ride camels. There’s so much unfocused patriotism floating around that you can randomly start chants of “USA! USA! USA!” no matter where you are and you’re instantly a hero. Strap a $10 US flag to your $40,000 foreign vehicle, and you’re a rolling monument of American pride!

Yes, the world is falling apart at the seams.. and that’s just fine with me.

The Age Of Fear And Forwards

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We live in frightening times. Acts of terrorists (or “freedom fighters” as the US called them back when we trained them in these techniques and supplied them with weapons and supplies in the 80′s) have filled many people around the world with a fear that was unknown to us until just a few weeks ago. How can I tell people are scared? My email inbox is filled with messages with “FWD: FWD: re: fwd: FWD- FWD: RE:” in the subject field.

I’ve been a long-time critic of lame-ass forwards and the people who send them. If you’ve read my past columns (and now that I think about it, there’s not that great of a probability that you have) you’ve heard me run off on tangents about this inconsiderate, bandwidth-wasting annoyance. This is one of those things I keep talking about because people keep sending them!

Don’t get me wrong. I love hearing from my friends and family. There is nothing I love more than to get a short note from a buddy.. or a long, involved, well-thought-out letter. As long as what you’re sending me is original content.. you expressing your feelings, thoughts and opinions… or acting silly, just sending a goofy note of nonsense… or being informative, sending some bit of knowledge I may find handy somehow. These are all valid reasons for clicking on “send.” What I hate is getting the stupid junk chain-mail that the internet-virgin housewives and other AOL-users send back and forth to each other until it eventually ends up coming my way seven or eight times from different people. Each thinking that they’re being very clever for sending everybody they know some stupid, cliched crap.

I slam AOL here because, well, it sucks. It’s a giant stinking monster that infects and bogs down the real internet with it’s masses of morons. Get on any USENET Newsgroup of your choice and look for off-topic posts filled with poor logic, grammar and spelling.. look for the trolls trying to start fights.. look for the complete idiots.. I’ll bet 90% of them have “@aol.com” in their email address. Why? Because “it’s so easy!” and as we all know, stupid people need easy solutions. Not that there aren’t legitimate, smart, creative and nice people who use AOL.. but they are in the minority, and are guilty by association.. and are contributing to the evil global conglomerate which is AOL-Time/Warner. Get a real internet service provider.. get a permanent, broadband connection and get out of dial-up hell. It’s the year 2001, for Megatheos’ sake. Once again, I’ve digressed.

Normally these ridiculous forwards fall into one of these categories:

  • THIS IS SO FUNNY!! - I forgot to mention that the “Forward This Crap To Everybody I Know” idiots typically type in ALL-CAPS because they are oblivious to the generally-accepted idea that “shouting” is rude and annoying.. of course, they’re usually completely unaware of the world around them. Anyway, this type of forward contains lame “story” jokes that are 5-10 minute reads before you get to any sort of punch line. Another abomination is the list of jokes about blondes or rednecks or whatever.. some of these would be funny if everybody hadn’t heard them all before, and if they were re-written, and all the “dead” words and phrases were edited out..
  • L@@K AT THIS! – This message will invariably have a file attached. A honking 300KB or larger executable file that plays some sorry animation on your screen while it infects your hard drive with whatever the virus of the week is. Either that, or the file is an image somebody altered.. so Osama bin Laden is pounding a goat from the rear, or Clinton and Gore look like Beavis and Butt-head, or it’s a squirrell standing up showing off his horse’s schlong. Some of these are pretty nicely done, but the majority have been cut and pasted together by some teen whose Photoshop skills are sophmoric at best. Telltale signs are when they have no concept of lighting sources and how shadows fall. These are simple concepts that amateurs often overlook.
  • URGENT VIRUS WARNING!! - If you keep your virus definitions updated, and refuse to accept or send attachments that you can’t verify, then you’ll be just fine. Usually these come from the same computer illiterate morons who spread the virus around by forwarding the executable files of dancing pumpkins or whatever. I just love the way the media makes such a big deal out of every virus that comes along. Like this is something new.. an unprecedented plague that they use to show off their lack of computer skills live on the air. It warms my cold, black little heart to hear some 55-year old fart who hasn’t moved his ass out from behind a desk in years try to explain the dangers of the internet when he clearly has no concept of what the words on the teleprompter actually mean.
  • EMAIL BETA TEST - This is one of my favories. It usually goes something like this: “Microsoft (also Disney or another big-name with big-money) is beta-testing some new email-tracking software and if you forward this to everyone you know Bill Gates (or Michael Eisner, or whoever) will give you $500!” Yeah, because Bill Gates is the nice, generous kind of evil, elitist, monopolistic trillionaire. Rich guys don’t get rich by giving their money away.. and even if they did, do you really think anybody needs your ‘help’ with their fictional technology? Sure, Microsoft is such a mom-and-pop shop that they can’t spare any of their own workers to test out new stuff..
  • PERSONALITY SURVEYS – “Take this test! Add up the points and see what type of person you really are.” Ugh.. I know who I am.. I’m the guy sick of getting this crap. Also in this category are the questionaires that are 7-10 pages long asking such important questions like “what’s your favorite desert?” Ladies, if you want to find out the intricate details of my personality.. just have sex with me. That’s the easiest way. We can talk about your feelings afterward if you’d like.
  • UPLIFTING FEEL-GOOD STORIES - Long, heart warming, faith-affirming stories of personal triumph, and traces of the “good in humanity.” Then at the end you read, “Forward this to 10 people within 2 minutes or you’re saying you hate Jesus.” What? That’s blackmail! You’re putting words in my mouth.. I never said I hate Jesus and I’m not going to hell when I delete your stupid drivel. I’m pretty sure God cringes every time you zealots start throwing his name around like you’re some name-dropping Hollywood phony.

Like I say, normally those are the categories. Lately, we’ve had a ton of crap come thru spreading ignorance, fear and hate in response to the September 11, 2001 acts of ignorance, fear and hate. Now the most common thing is, “I normally don’t forward these, but I know this is true because my girlfriend used to date a guy who heard a drunk Arab in a bar talking about how Nostradomus said that when Skittles changes their flavors, something bad will happen in the new city of Yorks.” Just shut-up.

In the immortal words of my favorite Grateful Dead song, “New Speedway Boogie”: “Please don’t dominate the rap, Jack / if you’ve got nothing new to say..”

Bad Late Show Impressions (Show #1693 recap)

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Bad Late Show Impressions
Wednesday, October 17, 2001
Show #1693
by Chad Riden

News From The International Idiots Home Office

Ethan Hawke; Judith Miller; and Quincy Jones.
PLUS: Dave’s Catalogs, and other stuff.

Have you ever had such a string of good fortune that you KNEW it was just a matter of time before the great yin-yang pendulum of luck swings the other way to slice and dice your life into neat finger-food-sized cubes? Well, sit back and enjoy your favorite lovely beverage as I recount the living hell which has been my Late Show viewing experience this evening.

The day started off looking good. Tuesday nights I perform my lame ass comedy at Zanies here in Nashville at 8 p.m. and then travel in a comedy caravan to The Cantina where we generally have a dozen or so local comedians perform at the open mic there. No cover, and 2-for-1 beers if you’re ever in town.

Those who give me money in exchange for my time during the day know this and allow me to come in “whenever” on Wednesdays. They know I’ll be out all night and are very nice to accommodate me. So I saunter in exactly at whenever on-the-dot and put in my time. Afterwards I went over to The Cantina for the daily Hungry Hour special – pasta and 2-for-1 beers. $5 for two beers and dinner, including tip. Not a bad day at all, so far..

I swing by the house and play with my little canine buddy, Guido, for a while. Then I trek over to Zanies to see Henry Cho perform for (without a doubt) the dumbest audience I’ve ever seen. It was an *amazingly* dim crowd.. they surprised me again and again with their stupidity and rude, jackass behavior.

I, being the responsible Guest Late Show Impressions Substitute Guy that I am, had set the vcr to tape Dave just in case I didn’t get home in time to do it myself. So when I got home and flipped the tv on at 10:45 (I’m in the Central Time Zone), I was horrified. Jay Leno was on my television.

Screaming bloody murder, I quickly flipped the er up a channel to Nashville’s CBS affiliate, “NewsChannel5″ WTVF-TV, “Your News & Information Leader.” I had left the cable box on NBC after watching Ed. I had nobody to blame but myself, which made it all that much worse. So I missed the first 10 minutes of the Show. I tuned in just in time to hear Mr. Letterman say “Omaha Steaks Roadkill Clearance Sale!” so that’s where we’ll officially begin. What you’ve been reading so far was the preamble, or “ramble” as some of you are no-doubt thinking.

I enjoy steaks *and* roadkill, so “Omaha Steaks Roadkill Clearance Sale” sounds pretty good to me. “Morley Safer’s Secret” featured some great Photoshop work. At least I hope those were doctored photos.. regardless, a fine job from the graphics kids. Unsung heros, those graphic artists of the world. In regards to the L.L. Bean catalog I have to say: wilderness sex is sex the way God intended. Well, at least let me say wilderness sex was a freebie.. the rest is all human invention, I guess.

We go into the first break 12:59 into the show with a beautiful skyline bumper shot that seemed too pretty to be real. Here in Nashville, the fine folks at “NewsChannel5″ WTVF-TV, “Your News & Information Leader” are apparently training a new overnight Master Control Operator again. They allowed the national spots to play, and maybe slipped in a few of their own.. then they were in black for 20 seconds, came out to a commercial for 4 seconds, went to the CBS feed of Late Show (which had Ethan Hawke seated and speaking about “a complicated character… now most of these big stars like.. Tom Hanks…” we only got to see 9 seconds of that, then it was back to the commercial for the “Share a Pair and Save” promotion at Shoe Carnival. Then Rivergate Toyota’s Ultimate Jackass Used Car Sales Guy (“The Auto Giant”), who is a giant dork, gave us his pitch for 15 seconds.. then back to the Late Show still in progress. I, of course, was screaming at my tv.

Ethan explains his conflicted character. He didn’t seem to have much to say about his daughter. I like Uma stories.. I find her very appealing. Ever since Pulp Fiction, I’ve been irresistibly attracted to coke heads overdosing on heroin they snorted. Boy, does that get me going. That baseball clip was pretty cool. Ya know, when I’m working.. I don’t care how much money they’re paying me, I’m not running full speed into a wall so I can flip and catch a ball. It’s not happening. I may be a loyal employee.. I’m definitely a “team player”.. but if that happened while I’m on the job, somebody gets a base and a fan catches the ball.

Judith Miller seems nice.. oh wait, what’s that? My tape runs out and begins rewinding. I laugh, “of course the tape ran out. What’s next, raining frogs and rivers of blood?” Bring it on. I’m ready for whatever the gods choose to throw at me. At this point, who cares?

I slide a new tape into the machine and resume recording. Yes, let’s preserve this moment forever.

Judith turns out to be a good booking decision, in my opinion. A pleasant lady, knowledgeable, nice posture, and she was informative and interesting. We should be “concerned, vigilant, but not panicked.”

Wow, I really like that bumper shot of the World’s Fair thingie. It’s composed beautifully with the reflection on the water in the background, the fountains in the foreground, and some silhouetted trees in the lower left and right corners. The photographer used his “star” filter to get the X effect with the lights in the shot. Very nice.

The audience crane shot act always brings out the worst in people. 3/4 of the way back in the section right in front of the monologue area of the stage, on the aisle, is a man who (first of all) is wearing a US flag as a shirt. This, to me, screams “dork who is desperate to get on tv.” Along with the normal hands over the head frantic waving, he jumps up and down twice. Sit down, spanky. Go do that kinda crap behind your local newscasters’ live shots. The more serious the story the better.. they love that. Even the people in the balcony behave themselves.

Q. Why didn’t Dave introduce Quincy Jones simply as “Q”? It’s right there on the cover of his book and 4-cd boxed set. Apparently that’s what the guy likes to be known as. I understand that.. “Q” does sound cooler than “Quincy.” Ok, now’s the time when I show off just how little I know about real music:

CHAD SHOWS OFF JUST HOW LITTLE HE KNOWS ABOUT REAL MUSIC
Quincy does a little dance while his orchestra plays that cool song from “Austin Powers.” What I really want to know (besides the specifics about that piece of music) is what is that instrument that makes the cool noise when that one guy has his fist up it? And I don’t want to hear any crap about anyone’s honeymoon, either.
THIS WAS CHAD SHOWS OFF JUST HOW LITTLE HE KNOWS ABOUT REAL MUSIC

“Pants make the man.” What about a guy who happens to work at a pants sewing facility? Wouldn’t the man make the pants in that instance? Probably not. There’s a sewing sweatshop near my old high school in Athens, Tennessee.. I think it mainly employed women to work on the floor. Not many men want to say they sew for a living. All I remember about my visit to that plant is the stories about people not paying attention when operating the giant industrial sewing machines. Not good mental images, let me assure you. They didn’t exactly get us excited about possible employment opportunities there.

CONVERSATION AND DISCUSSION SPARKED FROM THE WAHOO GAZETTE
Mike axes: “We don’t need ‘National Boss Day.’ How about ‘Minimum Wage Day’?”
I wholeheartedly agree. Bosses be damned, let’s do something for the poor, hungry people struggling to make ends meet – living paycheck to paycheck. I’m doing well for myself right now and can’t complain.. but my first job in broadcast television was with WKXT-TV. In early to mid 1996, I was the new guy.. doing the dirty work for $5.25 an hour. My boss, Production Manager David Williams, came up to me one day and said, “Hey, congratulations!” “Huh?” “You get a raise today!” “Really! Wow, thanks!” I was excited.. I was just a poor student at UT, working 3 jobs and only able to afford Raman noodles and beer. Later during the newscast, the anchor reads that Congress has raised minimum wage by a quarter. Congratulations to you, Mr. Williams: you were the biggest dickhead I’ve ever worked for.
THIS WAS CONVERSATION AND DISCUSSION SPARKED FROM THE WAHOO GAZETTE

The parts of the show that “NewsChannel5″ WTVF-TV, “Your News & Information Leader” chose to allow me to view tonight were good. It’s a shame that the MCO this evening didn’t care enough about the on-air product to actually run the board during the show. I’m just glad he got all his smoke breaks in… otherwise I never would have had the chance to see that same local commercial break that extra time. God bless you “NewsChannel5″ WTVF-TV, “Your News & Information Leader” and God bless The United States Of America!

The shame I have to live with is this: someday I’ll think to myself, “Hey there Chaddy, why don’t you throw in a tape of some Late Shows from the October 2001 era. That was a good time. Let’s check it out.” Then I’ll watch a few shows.. and as the Tuesday, October 16 show comes to a close I’ll think, “Hey, chin up. Another show will immediately follow this one!” And I’ll anticipate the hilarious comedy. Then I’ll be horrified by the Tonight show open. That’s the worst part about all this: my Letterman Library has been infected with an unholy presence, and it will haunt me for years to come. Cruel fate.

A Call For Genocide

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An evil plight has befallen my humble abode. It’s nothing biblical like locusts or lepers or the living dead… If I could trade my afliction with any other I’d gladly welcome frogs falling from the sky, or rivers of blood, or even videotapes of Jay Leno’s “Tonight” Show (A pathetic bastardization of what was once a proud beacon of quality comedic entertainment. This hideous freak has single-handedly reduced Johnny Carson’s throne to a smoldering shambles, and it saddens me to no end. Thank Megatheos there is a much better Show on at that exact same time.). But, I’ve gone off on a tangent already.

This pestilence in my home has an ungodly grip on me and permeates every aspect of my life. It has driven me to the brink of insanity – any attempt I make to thwart this invasion is met with contemptuous indifference from my resilient foe. I’ve been waging this battle for a long time. There have been many setbacks, and few victories.

Each morn as I wake, I am aware of the presence. As I go about my day, the situation haunts my thoughts. Throughout the eve and late into the night, I plot against my foe… working diligently with my eyes on the future.

Those of you who’ve been to my place recently probably have a guess as to what I’m talking about, but you’re wrong. I’m not whining about my roommate. True, another human infests my house and is an unholy annoyance and all that, but that’s not what I’m talking about. He’s a minor problem in comparison to the pure evil I speak of.

Yes, flea season is in full swing.

When you live in a house with multiple furry animals scurrying about, you’re never alone. You have cute little friends who love you unconditionally with every molecule of energy they possess. Unfortunately you also have ugly, tiny fiends who hate you… whose only goals are to annoy and expand (kind of like daytime talk show hosts, only without Rosie and Oprah’s incessant self-righteous rhetoric). Damn the fleas!

I’ve treated the yard so often that the poison-saturated soil can barely even plant life at this point. I use the topical medication on my pets and shampoo them with the deadliest concoctions commercially available. I powder my carpets with DeathDust5000. I vacuum and steam clean like an insane neat-freak on seven hits of Liquid Sunshine. I’ve got a light-trap thing so sticky that the fleas rip their little limbs off when they try to jump away. I bomb the house with room foggers often enough to kill off all human life. Yet they live.

I understand the food chain and the grand scheme of things in the animal kingdom.. but I challenge anybody to show me a purpose for these creatures. Anything that feeds on the blood of the living is unholy and must die.

I only wish I was a man of science. I would use my powers to completely remove all fleas from the earth, destroying all of their kind without mercy. If I could control the weather, I’d schedule monthly deep-freezes just to keep flies and fleas in check. When? When will science allow me to kill off an entire species in one fell swoop? I’m not asking for all that much. I just want to be able to lay down on my bed without having vermin bouncing on and off my legs. That’s all. What’s it take to get a little flea genocide going?

So… what’s been going on in the news?

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The World Trade Center tragedy is the most horrible thing that has ever happened here in the US. I have nothing but sympathy and prayers for everyone affected by the terrorism. I don’t want to be disrespectful to the victims and survivors of this tragedy.. but my way of dealing with things is to be funny. I need a release.. we all need to get away from the carnage for a while and enjoy ourselves. Otherwise, we’ll all go crazy.

The only thing about this whole situation that made me laugh is the news coverage. The national networks did an ok job (For the most part.. the only beef I really have with them is the increasingly moronic Dan Rather who quoted “an ancient Oriental proverb that says, ‘Revenge is best served cold.’” Dammit, Dan.. there’s a HUGE difference between revenge and justice.).

Dan Rather’s lack of professionalism aside, the most ridiculous thing was the local news. Watching the coverage, there was a palpable feeling that the local teams were just chomping at the bit… praying for an excuse to break in and act like they’re big shots. Having worked in local television for years, I’m pretty sure there were quite a few anchors across the nation sitting at the desk in the studio pouting. “But, but.. it’s five o’clock! It’s my turn to be on tv! Waaaaaaahh! Boo-hoo for me! Where’s my airtime!?”

So they took over the bottom part of the screen rolling local headlines. Like there’s anything going on here in Nashville that is worth mentioning while planes are crashing into the biggest buildings in New York City. I fully expected to look up at the 14,576,329th replaying of the second crash and see scrolling across the screen: “From the newsroom: At this hour, T-E-M-A reports no end in sight for construction on I-24…” Well, duh. “Planet Hollywood closes it’s doors (a city mourns)…” Whoop-dee-doo!

Not satisfied with merely cluttering up the already congested screen with their drivel, they go the extra mile to squeeze a local angle out of the terrorism. The national feed is squeezed back into a box on the screen with the audio low.. the local kids have a little box in the corner: “Hello. I’m Bob Localguy interrupting Tom Brokaw for this special report. Actually, I just got a new haircut and wanted to see what it looked like on camera.” Then they go out to the airport to show video of pissed off people sitting around watching CNN. Thanks, local news idiots, but I can see that live right here in my living room.

Later in the day they figured out a way to justify breaking in live again.. they’d woken Governor Sundquist from his coma and propped him up in front of a microphone. He was in a daze. Reporters were firing away with the stupidest questions ever. I was fully expecting them to ask; “What steps have been taken to protect Tennessee from invasion by Arkansas?” “Do you have a contingency plan in case the Bellcourt Theatre falls into enemy hands?” “Will the National Guard be deployed to protect Opry Mills?” “How will we defend the Grand Ole Opry?” “Is the Parthenon in jeopardy?”

At least David Letterman brought class back to television. If you missed the Late Show on Monday, September 17, man did you miss something special. That’s all there is to it. Dave knows exactly what to say when there’s NOTHING you can possibly say. He’s a hilarious comedian, a seasoned broadcaster, a legend in late night, a comedic genius.. but most importantly, a great man. A good person. I can’t possibly put into words the amount of respect and admiration I have. I’m proud to say he’s my hero.

If you did miss it, the video and audio clips are up at www.cbs.com/lateshow/ under “Dave TV.” His speech is under ‘Dave’s Monologues’, and ‘Big Show Highlight’. The Dan Rather interview is also under BSH. A transcript of Dave’s opening remarks is at David Yoder’s site.

Michael Jackson is doing his part to help out the WTC victims.. he’s putting together another song (kinda like “We are the world”) called “What more can i give”…. What more can you give? I dunno. you’ve got an amusement park in your back yard, how ’bout you give some of your own damn money? I’m eating Raman Noodles every day.

Mike’s got a bunch of friends helping him out on this one: Destiny’s Child, Britney Spears, N’Sync, Backstreet Boys… ya know, if all these crappy, TRL-happy, cheesy-ass disposable pop groups can come together for the good of man.. can’t we ALL come together as a people? Huh? HUH?

movie trailer: “GNATS!”

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Terror has never been so annoying.

Featuring Jesse Perry, Chad Riden, John Selby, Melissa Young, Robert Tucker, and Bubba.

Produced by MangyDog Productions. Edited by international idiots, inc. Copyright September 2001.

(A lower quality version of the video is also on YouTube.. which is AWESOME if you were hoping to find a lower quality version of this same video hosted on YouTube.)