Lame Late Show Impressions
Wednesday, December 12, 2001
News From The International Idiots Home Office
Andy Garcia, Chris Matthews
PLUS: George Clarke’s Celebrity Interview, Holiday Hairpiece Not A Hairpiece, a Kaulter Twins piece from Entertainment Tonight, and other stuff.
“And now, Pashtun Tribal Leader, David Letterman!”
It’s funny, ’cause it’s TRUE! No, no, no. The actual Pashtun Tribal Leader is the soft-spoken Hamid Karzai, who was named interim Prime Minister by the U.N.-sponsored gathering of Afghan factions in Bonn, Germany. Hamid’s headquarters is a huddle of mud huts in the southern Afghan desert in Shahwalikot. Or at least that’s what that rag, TIME, says.
The monologue dripped with delicious comedy goodness:
- Guy in front of the Ed / middle finger / gave / bottle of cologne.
- NYC kids / pay attention to their faces / might have to pick them out of a lineup.
- Christmas gift for paperboy / put it in an envelope / drove by / threw it into a puddle.
- News from Afghanistan / Osama can’t communicate with his agents / I’ve had same problem / 20 years.
- Osama / facelift / doing pre-Oscar show with daughter Melissa bin Laden.
- Osama / improved look / so attractive / last night he went out and got “bin Laden.”
The middle finger guy is always fun. NYC kids’ faces is a funny rerun, too. I liked the Osama jokes as well. A short, sweet set.
Oprah update: It’s “just a matter of time” according to People. If you ask me (and I know you haven’t), it’s just a matter of time until Oprah gets so full of herself she explodes. I just hope she’s outside of Chicago when it happens. I’d hate to see my sweet home splattered with Oprah-goo.
Oceans 11 has “fantastic star power.” The phrase “fantastic star power” reminds me of when the Star Trek kids took the Enterprise around the sun and went back in time. Sometimes I wish I could do that and go back to a time when the Star Trek franchise didn’t suck.
George Clarke has a celebrity interview with George Clooney. “George are you rubbing your foot against my leg?” “Sorry, I couldn’t help myself” “Stop it.” Dave says, “he’s just that good looking.” Is he talking about George? or was it George?
Holiday Hairpiece, Not A Hairpiece. Hi-ho babes in santa-babe suits.. what more do you need to know?
The Late Show Newsletter : Week of November 12, 2001 said, “Late Show supermodel Andrea Sande… is soon leaving New York City to join the cast of a soap opera produced in Brazil.” When is she leaving? I really don’t want her to go. I’ve been looking into ways to get Brazilian soap operas here in Nashville. If anybody has any suggestions, please let me know. Also, if there are any LSwDL staffers reading this, please tell Andrea I love her.
Dave feels bad about this guy, and guesses ‘not a hairpiece.’ I laughed at the obvious rug as soon as he was on camera. It still looked better than my hair at its best, though.
We went into the break 11:17 into the big show.
Felicia is using a slide thingie.. sounds good. I just got my first guitar a few weeks ago. I’m still learning my first song right now: “Maggot Brain” by Funkadelic. I don’t quite have it yet, but I’m getting closer.
Rupert says “the hair was going against the grain.” Will Rupert be with us all night? What does he do when he’s not? “I go home.” That’s funny, I’d expect Rupert to get wild on the town before retiring for the night. A decadent romp thru the streets of the city that never sleeps! Questionable activities while consorting with shady people in filthy places.. finally crashing out early in the morning in Central Park. Doesn’t everybody do that? or is it just me?
Dave brings up “Alan & Rick, the Kaulter Twins.” Hairpiece? Alan should have shot back something about Dave’s prison cut. What a great piece this was. The duo split in 1977.. “songs in the key of kaulter” was one of their albums.. Tonight Show clips! The Tonight Show starring Johnny Carson! How cool. Reminds me of the times back when Tonight was still a proud beacon of quality comedic entertainment, not the pathetic smoldering shambles of a show it has become.
Mark Fichman (former manager) says, “about those gold records: did you look at them? they’re pancakes!” Ha! Alan (or is it Rick?) was interrupted while singing “Where is the love?” by Rick (or was it Alan?) screaming, “are you trying to miss every G-D note? Go to hell you red-headed freak!”
Jon Read (studio engineer), claims that this is, “the creepiest job i’ve ever had in my life. and i’ve worked with Michael Jackson.”
“They really like making up.” Both Alan and Rick in a spa, drinking champagne. It would be really disturbing if this wasn’t so funny.
Top 10: Excuses Of The American Taliban Guy. Boy what a tool, this kid is. The youth of America, ladies and gentlemen! Raise your kids, parents. Please.. I’m begging you.
The list claims he was tricked by the brochure.. was interning.. got tired of wearing clean clothes and not getting shot at.. thought it was a paintball game.
Going out to commercial, we see a bump shot of Alan and Rick’s toast..
Green Onions! Love that song. My favorite version of that is on The Blues Brothers’ “Made in America” album… co-produced by Paul Shaffer.
Andy plays Harry Benedict in the Ocean’s Eleven remake. I know Hollywood thinks it can do whatever it wants, but how can you possibly think you can do a better job at *anything* than Frank Sinatra and his “clan”? I’m an egomaniac, but I don’t even come close to that kinda gall. When visiting a military base, “they were wildly excited to see Julia.” Who wouldn’t be? If there are any Julia Roberts staffers reading this, please tell Julia I love her.
Andy is also in “The Man from Elysian Fields” as a male escort who was “turned out” and pimped by Mick Jagger. Apparently this happens often due to the dang-ole telemarketers. Here in Tennessee we have some kinda “No Call” law preventing the telemarketers from dialing us up. Does it work? I dunno. I don’t have a regular phone… just a cell. I’ve never recieved a telemarketing call on it.
Host of Hardball and author of “Now let me tell you what I really think.” Dave doesn’t think hardball is mean, instead he finds it exciting. I haven’t spent a lot of time watching the show. Chris thinks we’re back to honoring our 5-year-old heros: firemen, nurses. Great! Now, let’s pay them well. What good does it do to put a flag on your car and wear a stupid ribbon? Let’s do something of substance.
Dave asks about flying, and Chris answers with a comment about eye contact in NYC. “Homeland security” puts him in the mind of words like “motherland, fatherland.” That is kind of weird. Eventually getting to the flight question, Chris asks who is going to stop somebody from putting a “bandanna on the top of their head.” ME! No bandannas on my watch! I used to wear “doo rags”.. until Tupoc (God rest his soul) retired to that great golden Cadillac in the sky. Then, out of respect for the man who laid down his life for peace in hip-hop, I laid down my bandanna. Chris suggests we fight terrorists with our shoes, belts, and laptops.
“We’re like pioneer men, again… Davy Crockett, Daniel Boone.” What? When did this happen? We’re primitive people, but I don’t see “us” as Davy Crockett-like. I don’t get it.
Chris thinks the Osama tape contains “Hitler stuff, Nixon stuff.” Grouping Osama bin Laden with Hitler and Nixon? I laughed.
On the American Taliban kid: “Its a free country, he bought his ticket.” THAT, I agree with. Screw the little traitor.
Wave, yokels! You’re on tv!
Dave says Johnny Walker is “in a shipping container.” Good. Anybody who looks that much like Charles Manson should be kept in a giant Ziploc disposable tupperware thing. Mr Matthews says he’s “so far to the left, Hillary Clinton called him a traitor.” Hey, that’s pretty good! “Don’t let him ever come back, treat him like everybody else in the cave.”
A good guest. I started off not liking him, but when he started talking about the traitor-kid, he won me over. At least Chris Matthews has something of substance to say. I don’t always agree with him, but that’s good. If everybody agreed with me it’d be a frightening world.
The wrap up. “Come back when you have something on your mind.”
“Put on your pants.” Always good advice.
CONVERSATION AND DISCUSSION SPARKED FROM THE WAHOO GAZETTE
Mike says, “diamonds are so stupid. Hasn’t mankind evolved past the point of being fascinated with shiny rocks?”
I wish. Don’t buy expensive crap for Christmas presents.. it doesn’t mean you love them more, just ’cause you spent more money. Buy cheap crap! And what better place to buy cheap crap than Mangy Dog’s online store. Go now, go often, go nuts!
THIS WAS CONVERSATION AND DISCUSSION SPARKED FROM THE WAHOO GAZETTE
Overall, I felt it was a great show. At least Nashville’s CBS affiliate, “NewsChannel5″ WTVF-TV, “Your News & Information Leader” didn’t completely screw the entire broadcast up the way they normally do. The Master Control Operator must’ve been asleep, ’cause usually he rolls breaks late, dips to black, and puts up obnoxious weather graphics that cover 2/3 of the screen talking about slightly inclement weather 100 miles away from their actual coverage area. Not tonight.. it was a clean show. Props to you, WTVF!